Is this it?
I’m one of those people that does mental check-ins and asks myself this question on a regular basis. I know there are others that wonder if there is “something more.” My brand of “something more” and “is this it?” is like this uneasy feeling that gnaws at the back of my mind. Sometimes it’s a mere whisper and other times it’s screaming. It often serves as my own compass that drives me to make decisions. Call it intuition or instinct, all I know is I’ve learned to trust myself to take action when “something more” calls my attention.
Five years ago, I started my first blog. All I wrote on my first entry was “So I always know…” It serves as a reminder to me of the day I zigged instead of zagged. I made a choice that day and wanted to never forget that where I am and where I’m from are days upon days of making choices and decisions. Sometimes stumbling and often times doing and saying things that aren’t always in my best interest, but learning and growing all the while. (and loving myself)
I used to be more daring. I’ve mellowed through the years. I laugh less and take life too seriously at times. I’m always working on that. In my youth, I vowed I wouldn’t change and wouldn’t let “the system” change me. As a teen I loved the punk scene. I won’t get into all the reasons because that’s unimportant, but there’s a song that I liked by The Dead Kennedys titled “Life Sentence.” Part of the lyrics say:
“No sense of humor
But such good manners
Now you’re an adult
Are you really you you you
You you you you you you
Are you really you?
This is a far cry from Carly Simon’s “Coming Around Again” lyrics that say:
Daddy breezes in
So good on paper
I know nothin’ stays the same
But if you’re willin’ to play the game
It will be comin’ around again”
Yet somehow I can relate to both.
My point is, I’m working on my “something more.” Some people are fortunate, they find their groove early on and all the little puzzle pieces fit perfectly and some people are simply content with the status quo. I was the one pushing my dreams down and working toward comfort and stability. I would often challenge myself, but those challenges were still within a comfort zone of what I knew I would succeed at or at the very least, I wouldn’t fail miserably. I took risks here and there, but would return to structure.
Like many, my life was becoming a spectator sport in the sense of instead of living, doing, and exploring, I was simply watching from the sidelines. Maybe you’re like I am, an adventurer at heart and you know when you can’t just sit and watch anymore. When you realize some alternatives will serve a greater purpose and be more fulfilling.
I’m sure you’ve noticed my absence from blogging. I’ve been busy, but it’s also because some of my routines have worn out their purpose. I’ve been intentionally avoiding it and doing silly things like crossword puzzles and making jello instead. Then of course I’m working. I’m especially working on being more daring. I’m in training for my “something more.” I’m stretching beyond my usual routines because I need to. It’s easy to do the predictable, isn’t it? In a nutshell, my life was getting smaller and it was impacting who I am and where I want to go.
What I’m trying to say and I think a lot of my women readers will relate to this…It’s my turn. The dream is here and the dream is now. It’s finally my turn. It’s so profound that I’m left with so what do I do now? I know what I could do. I could keep it safe and comfortable like I have been, but that’s not what I want to do. Not this time. This isn’t about my husband, my kids, my family…this is about me. Goodbye safe harbor.
There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~Anaïs Nin