Do you think I am wrong??
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  1. #1
    Registered User rissimo's Avatar
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    Default Do you think I am wrong??

    My daughter is adopted. She is a Special Needs Person. We have had her since she was 2 and she is now 20. I started out babysitting her on the weekends and then it turned into weeks and then we ended up with her. We went and got custody of her, and got that with no problem because the bio mom did not show. After we got out of court there was a message for us from her asking us to call her. We did and she stated that she was doing laundry and fogot all about it. We started the adoptin process when she was around 10 but had trouble finding bio so it went on hold. The adoption was finally finalized when she was 16. Because of dd learning disabilites, metally she is only 7 and is working on the 3rd grade level, the doctors and teachers all agree that telling her would make her regress and ruin all the progress that has been made with her since we have had her, so we have not told her.

    She does not know her bio. DD has a social network account, one that I only know the login for and I check it before she gets on. Well, bio had found her and sent her a message letting her know who she was and wanted her to contact her. Luckily I deleted it and she never saw it. DD gradutaed this year and bio showed up of it and tried to talk to her.

    My delimma is that she is wanting to know everything about her. I have told her that dd has no idea who she is and it is in her best interest that she does not because of her situation. Bio then replied that she needs to know more info so she can make an informed decison. I feel she made her informed decison long ago when she gave her up to us and since she has not been a part of her life all these years she has no right to know anything about her. She could have stayed a part of all or our lives if she wanted to but she enjoyed her drinking and drugs too much and chose not to.

    Do you think I am wrong?

  2. #2
    Registered User cissylu's Avatar
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    No I think you are right! your daughter does not need to know.
    She is a special needs child , I believe it would only confuse and hurt her.

    the time for the mother to find out things has been long over in my book.

    stand your ground and do what is in your heart. you know best.

    Hugs and good luck!

  3. #3
    Registered User frugalfranny's Avatar
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    No, not wrong at all.

    I might even consult an atty. or 'court person' to see what your rights are in case the idiot birth mother wants to create more problems! I would do this soon as it sounds like she is wanting to stir the pot. You don't need the stress of it.........and your dd doesn't need the emotional upheaval it would cause.

    Hope this settles down for you soon.........good luck!

  4. #4
    Moderator nuisance26's Avatar
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    ~You are her mother and I agree with you. I too would consult an attorney to see what steps can be taken to discourage the bio from contacting your daughter.~

  5. #5
    Registered User rissimo's Avatar
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    I have consutled the adoption atty and was told that since she is now 20 there is not much I can do, if I maybe give her some information on her it may appease her and keep her happy. I need to get a Conservatorship. We had an atty and he had started this and then he said that a Power of Atty would work just as well. But he had a heart attack and passed away before any of this was done. Is there any atty's out here or does anyone know one that they could ask this to. Cause if a Pwr of atty will work it will be alot cheaper to get done. We cannot afford the other.

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    Registered User rissimo's Avatar
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    Oh, I forgot to say that I had asked the atty about the conservatorpship and pwr of atty and she said that she does not handle this and does not know.

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    Registered User shp1055's Avatar
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    I agree with FF. As the mother of an adopted child, I wish mine had never remembered her bio family. It only causes problems for the child.

    Mine was 3 when we got her & the state dragged their feet & the case out until she was 8 years old. Thus there were "state mandated visits" during the interim. The bio mother never did drugs that we know of; she just enjoyed her boyfriends (plural) to the extent that she severely, and I mean severely, neglected the children. She is a bit slow and so are 2 of the childrent, but my daughter is the next to the youngest & the youngest was adopted by another couple & they are not slow in the least. My take on this is that the older ones are "envioronmetally handicapped" & had they been taken when they were younger (like ours was) and had attention, love & proper schooling they wouldn't have the problems they have now.

    Since she is special needs, I feel you would have legal grounds to be able to bar the bio from contacting her in any way, shape or form. Check with the Div. of Children's Services and an attorney if possible. Keep on top of it & good luck.

  8. #8
    Registered User rissimo's Avatar
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    Would the Div. of Childrens Spec Svcs beable to help? This was a private adoption.

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    Registered User angelbumpkin's Avatar
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    Its is your right to give your DD as much as or as little info. as you you want to give. There is a reason God blessed you with DD in the 1st place.

    My son bio tried contacting us my response was you made your choices now you must live with your choices.

    You must have the conservatorship for DD. Power of attorney is not the same thing. There is a big difference in the two. P.O.A. you are acting on her behalf and she can still make choices for herself where conservatorship you are her guardian.

    Sending you lots of prayers and a big hug.

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    Registered User Kellili's Avatar
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    I think you are doing the right thing. I have an attorney friend, I'll email him and see if he knows anyone that could do something for you. He is not in Knoxville, or I'd ask him to do it himself.

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    I would also contact the special needs advocasy group that fits. I would bet they can help you or point you in the right direction. They may even have a less expensive attorney.(sp). I woder too about a restaining order because she is special the Bio mom could really upset her.

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    Registered User Syn D's Avatar
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    No you aren't wrong.. She had her chance, you don't forget an appointment that important when it comes to your kids..

    You have to think about your dd and her advancing, not falling back.. She knows she graduated, so she knows what she needs to know..

  13. #13
    Registered User rissimo's Avatar
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    Thank you all so very much for the encouragment. I have been so worried about this, and I'm glad to have friends to talk to about this and get advise, It really helps!!!!


    Kellili thank you for checking for me. That is BIG help!!

    to everyone!!!!!!

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    Moderator mauimagic's Avatar
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    Your DD is so lucky to have you and I imagine you feel the same way too. For more reason's then this, you certainly need to be named guardian. And in the future you may need to get a restraining order against the bio mom - given her history, she'll probably get bored with the whole thing in time. Good luck and please let us know how it all goes.
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    I'm not sure how I feel about this... Understandably you would rather not tell your DD about this....BUT...someday it's most likely that the bio will finally reach your child ... the trust that will be lost could be more damaging than telling her... a child with a mentality of a 7 year old will still feel strongly about this... ultimately your call...but there could be some pretty tough repercussions from keeping it under wraps....

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