:smhelp:

First I hate to seem like I'm complaining when I know I've got it good. But I need to see if I'm crazy or what.
Any advice or comments are definitely welcomed.

I'm not working full-time, in fact I barely pull half-time status. I'm currently going to school and (yay) will be finishing up by the end of June (with the degree... still gotta couple certificates I'm working on - but I'll finally have a degree!).

Anyway, so I work about 30 hours a week. My bf (of 4 yrs) works full-time. He has a son - and I live with them.

Not that bf doesnt do any housework, he'd be an awesome house-wife if I could get a great full time position *lol*, but I do quite a bit myself. He's more straightening up & vacuuming.
I cook, do laundry, dishes, clean up after the dog (in house), dust, file, currently repainting bathroom (and patches around the house where previous owners didnt know how to paint *sigh*)... that's basically what I do.

The child (11 y/o) keeps after the dog (walks, feeds, bathes, cleanss up (outside)), keeps his room cleaned (when I get on him about it) and takes out the trash.

The child said to me the other day "you really dont have time for play do you?" Uh... NO! After work, I come home & work on homework, clean, laundry, dishes, start dinner, clean up & some nights I go to school after that & dont get home until 10pm some nights.

The child is a major extrovert (he's a totally different discussion too *giggle*) and always expects full attention... so I'm trying to teach him that playing alone isnt bad or a punishment (as his mother would have him believe (she being an extrovert too)).
So when he asks me to play I usually do... but cant always due to being busy or just plain tired!

I noticed that this week alone (ok maybe it's TMI but it struck me as profound) I had one shower, hadnt been able to shave in almost 2 weeks, hadnt touched any of my personal projects, barely had time to work on my class-project (school), my clean clothes are in a pile near my dresser (no time to put away)... among other insignificant things.

Am I CRAZY??? (or just going crazy?) *lol*

After chasing my tail in circles all day - where do I get the time for ME??

Am I being selfish?
Do I just have no clue what I'm doing?

I figure I won't ask bf to help much since he works full time... his off time is his. He plays with his son, but he seems to have MORE energy than I do at the day's end.

The child is somewhat incompetent re: cleaning & just outright lazy (due to his mother coddling him since day 1 - he's never been allowed to play sports because "he might get hurt".... but that's for another time!).
So my asking him to help... it'd just get done faster if I did it myself & less frustrating.
He'd mess it up (and has done so in the past on purpose to get outta work) and just leave the mess for me.

Okay... enough venting... I'm just a little perturbed due to having to have my first shower :shower: in a week be icy cold - because when I say "i'm taking a shower" everyone else thinks it's a great idea & so I get the last (of the water heater's water).

:sigh:

Thanks!

Sue

:hug2:
I don't think getting a shower (preferably warm!) or getting a little rest would ever be considered selfish by anyone. Those are essential to your physical and mental health. Does your BF ever go without a warm shower? Does he go without play time? I'm guessing not.

Also, don't think that just because his paycheck is full-time that you're not also working full-time. Your hours at home and at school probably make up more than one full time job.

I think it's time for a serious talk with BF, and maybe his son, too. Maybe the three of you could work out a schedule or a system so that everything gets done without you bearing the brunt of that load. Or maybe you can carve out half an hour or more a day where you're unavailable-- that's your time to do whatever you need to do for yourself.

Hang in there-- and good luck!

Thank you Amy.

I think you're right... it's definitely time for a talk with them both at the same time.

I just get a little overwhelmed w/his son at times due to his lack of courtesy, his lack of common sense, his lack of knowing that anything or anyone exists beyond his little world.

He got the dog for "his birthday" (supposedly) - who's the one that does most of the (turning into) yelling about "did you clean up his mess? | did you clean out his cage | did you feed him yet today (at 5pm & the response is no) | did you brush him...| etc etc"

I feel like I'm turning into the disciplenarian (sp?) - tho I've only known bf for 4 and half yrs and his son about 3 and a half of those yrs. I just recently moved in (w/in the past 4 mos) & am beginning (as I'm not a mother myself) to feel overwhelmed.

We all get along great - except when I expect the child to do things he says he forgets (i mean... how can you forget to take a shower?!)

It's my learning, changing & trying to figure out why this child has never been taught the basic things I knew at half his age!!! (It's taking over from a mother who simply held his hand & coddled him thru EVERYthing in life).

*wish me luck*

Thanks for your reply.

Sue

:hugz: Sue

First of all, you need to take some time for yourself and get a shower every day! As for the 11 year old, well...I have 15 year olds I still have to remind to shower! I think it's a "boy thing".;) My 17 year old just recently stopped needing reminding to take care of his body so he did not offend anyone.

If the dog is the 11 year old's then he needs to be the one that is totally responsible for it. If the dog does not eat, neither does the 11 year old (Dog must be fed before breakfast and/or dinner). All messes will be cleaned up or no play time. And guess who should be responsible for monitoring all of this...his Dad!!!! My goodness, you have your hands full enough and who took care of things before you moved in? DAD!

Hi sue and welcome to the village. :)

I'm with Amy, I think you all need to have a talk about who does what. I'm sure you didn't move in with them so you could do all their housework. Tell them that you feel tired and overwhelmed and that you want to work out a solution that everyone can live with.

Another thing. That boy will push you so that he knows how far he can go. Make sure you establish firm boundaries and stick to them. and do everything in the open so everyone knows where you're coming from. Your requests are reasonable and you did not move in to be used as a maid.

Good luck.

Lists!!
When things get overwhelming here everyone is given lists.
I work 40 hours and am foster mom to 3 under the age of 4 and a stepson on weekends (12, spoiled , with autism).
During extra busy months dh is given a weekly calendar with all the kids visits etc. and additional chores that need to be accomplished, on Fridays I come home from work with a list of things that need to be accomplished by 10 p.m. on Sunday I give him the choice of which he would like to do, along with his own projects. There are only so many hours in a day.
I am typically up and "working" from 6 a.m. until 9 p.m. when I announce myself off-duty, this is the only way I keep sane.

I agree Sue. I think it is time for a talk with both of them. I hope they didn't intend for you to be the cleaning lasy when you oved in. Who did it before you moved in with them? Someone had too. Just because you are there doesn't mean you have to do it all.

Hang in there.

You all have been a great help & inspiration.

No I didnt move in to do their work.

And no, no one really did anything until I moved in.
Yes the boy's dad did some housework (as he still does), and did laundry once every 2 weeks (whereas I keep up with it every couple days - week max!). The dishes would stack up to be done once a week, and the cooking - *laugh* - well they were take-out hounds before they found the cooking of Sue!

Yes... I'd say the lack of personal hygiene IS a boy thing... especially since this boy lacks most of his sense of smell. Here's an idea for you so you know that he's not one of those kids who fakes it... when we first got the dog, he stayed in the boys' bedroom (in a cage of course) and pee'd EVERYwhere in that cage. I came over (this was at their old place) & as I entered the FRONT door (bedrooms in the back of course) I was slapped in the face w/urine odor... now imagine how bad it smelled in the boy's bedroom.
He had NO clue!

I just this moment made a weekly/daily/monthly list of responsibilities. He's _almost_ 12 y/o & has a list that reads as:

Daily: walk dog, feed dog
Weekly: take out trash, put away clean clothes, keep room clean/straightened
monthly: bathe dog & dog's cage

THAT IS ALL HE HAS TO DO!

how i would've killed to have had that FEW chores to do at his age!

He'd never had to do anything before. His former-stepmother (who is somewhat still in his life) coddled him from the moment she married in. She was only around for about 6 yrs - but enough time and him young enough to soak up everything she did (dare i say) wrong!
She never disciplined him (so he thinks playing alone or having to clean his room is due to him doing something wrong... as she would clean his room FOR him), she refused to let him fall down & go bump w/out him crying, she let him whine (which he's breaking fast w/me in the house!) and throw tantrums.
A nearly 12 y/o throwing stomping, crying, whining, throwing themselves to the floor in a 2 y/o way - tantrums!!!

I was baffled when I saw him do that at age 10. I said NO WAY! Those happen less now - but he'll still stomp & pout/cry alone.

:sigh:

I need as much support as I can get.
I have talked to his father... and he is supportive of me & backs me when I make a decision... which makes me feel supported enough - especially not being married (yet?) and just recently movoing in.

So I truly appreciate EVERYthing you all can offer me.

I'm doing the best with what I've got & what little experience I have from taking care of friend's kids for several yrs at a time (as a teen - no less! talk about responsibility!).

Anyway.... thanks for letting me vent.

Thanks for the inspiration.

I've simply got to MAKE (not find) time for me... even if it is hiding in the bathroom painting my nails... just to "get away".

speaking of painting my nails.... I think it's a perfect sunday evening....

:D

Sue~

Sue,

Try checking out www.flylady.net . She has a great system for keeping your house under control and taking care of yourself at the same time. When I first got married, I was totally up against a wall when I worked 50 hours a week (plus 1.5 hours commuting time 5 days a week) and still had to do all the housework! This site really helped me calm down, figure out how to really love my home and my family. While my situtation wasn't as bad as yours (I don't have any kids - well, except maybe my husband - he would wait until every piece of clothing was dirty to do laundry, wait until flies hovered in the kitchen to do dishes, and the cats had to pee on the bathroom rug before he'd clean their litterbox), I did think this site was (and continues to be) a great help.

Especially since the FLY part of Flylady is Finally Loving Yourself!

Sara

I second the comment on lists. My husband has adult ADHD, and without a list, nothing would get done. We can be sticking to the floor because its dirty, have no clean clothes, and the dog can be crossing her legs she has to go out so bad, and he honestly doesnt' notice. We have a bulletin board program for our computer, and I just post his to do list on it every day. www.mycorkboard.com it's a free program. i do understand what you mean about taking time to take care of yourself...i'm the same way. Its just my husband and I , but I work full time nights, go to school in the daytime, and am starting my own business on the side. With housework, etc, I barely have time to breathe, much less shower and put away clean clothes. Carve out that time for yourself, it's precious. I get up earlier than everyone else on my nights off, and stay up a little later in the am than i'd like on the nights i work, just to have a little bit of "me" time.

Sandi

Sandi...


I sympathize.
You sound like you've got less time than anyone! AND you're creating your own home business.... good for you!! :)

I feel bad for complaining now! lol

It's just difficult being in transition to know (or not know) fully what i can / cant do & the boundaries.

So I have to make my own.

And lists it's gonna be.

I've already created a short list of chores & posted them up on the child's wall in his bedroom.

Let's see if he can follow those!!!

:)

Hey, complain away! It helps to know that there are others in the same boat. I wasn't trying to one up you or anything, just to empathize ;)

You might have to look at standards too. My DH and I have vastly different ideas of what constitutes clean and we each had to give a little lest I work myself to death and be frustrated. I had to relax my standards some with an active toddler into everything. The house is just not going to be as perfect as it was before we had kids no matter how hard I work. It just is more cluttered during the day before evening pickup. DH had to realize that his low standards drove me crazy and he helps more.

Regarding personal time, I think everything is a little different. Some people need 30 minutes, maybe someone else an hour a day, maybe someone 10 minutes. Find what you need and make sure you get it or you will burn out. DH comes home and we have dinner. In the evenings he takes care of our son (age 2-1/2) while I have some quiet time and then start work as I work from home in the evenings part-time. That gives me time to read a little bit, shower or whatever.

Flylady is a great suggestion. It helps me a lot. My house as I said isn't perfect but it is basically clean and generally not a disaster. :-)