Oh my gosh I've gotten so very overwhelmed by my financial situation. Nothing is an emergency but my money is being twisted in every direction right now. Let me explain.

I'm 49yo, divorced with two adult children (26 dd & 24 ds) and a great bf.
I have a government job with SOME stability BUT that's as far as my assets go, my job.

Because of my own stupidity I left my marraige of 26 years with nothing. I restarted my life all new. I have no debt but I have no savings either. I do have a tsp (gov't version of a 401K).

Because of life happenings I'm stuck with a retirement buyback of $32,000. This is the result of something that happened while married but I cannot go back and ask for help with this. This is my own issue (unfortunately). This will have a pretty big impact on my pension so I need to pay this back.I'd like to be able to retire at 56 in 8 years. This is a huge priority for me.

I am very proud of my kids. My DD is graduating with her Masters June 4th. I feel I should help significantly financially to fund a cruise she'd like to go on as a graduation gift. She has worked harder at this than I feel most do, and she deserves a bit of a break before starting to teach in the fall. I'd LOVE to do this. I admit to feeling a LOT of guilt because if I hadn't left the marraige, ex and I could have EASILY done this but now with splitting, funds are significantly lower than they would have been.

My DS is getting married August 12. I love his fiancee and I am tremendously happy for them. Her parents are paying for the wedding but I feel I want to contribute significantly towards their Honeymoon funds. They both deserve a get away, and I'd LOVE to see this happen. Again, insert guilt feelings.

DBF and I have bought a house that needs remodeling in everyway possible. Insert the term 'money pit' here. I LOVE what we are doing and admittedly HE pays for the big ticket things but even just things like drapes, pictures, paint and the like it costs a LOT more than I was hoping.

So, as you can see ALL these very important goals require bigger money than I am able to easily provide. I am getting so overwhelmed by this I don't know what to do because also I would LOVE to stay out of debt.

Does anyone have any input on this?

Davesgirl the first thing I would do is to write down everything you want to contribute money to and how much you would like to contribute. Then start funding it.

Kellie

Ok, first things first. Let's look at what you consider is the absolute TOP priority right now. That is a very important part of this situation -- prioritizing. As much as you care and love your children and your BF and appreciate what they're doing, you have to consider -- will these things effect me in five years? Will paying for your son's honeymoon and your daughter's cruise really effect you positively in another five years? Will buying pretty shower curtains and dinners out really effect you in five years? Is it really that vitally important that the guest bedroom be painted this year, or can you go another year with white walls? Will it really matter to your son, who will be blissfully happy about his new marriage, if he stays in a four-star hotel or a cozy little cottage over his honeymoon?

Your son and your daughter are moving on with their lives and I'm sure you couldn't be more happy or proud. BUT... as much as you want to help and contribute, do they WANT you to help and contribute? I am a very independent person, and unless I absolutely need money, I don't like it when my mom tries to help out with my funds. Furthermore, if they choose to do these big and glamorous things, perhaps they feel a sense of responsibility and independance and wish to pay for it themselves. I understand the desire to help out, but at the same time, check with them first and foremost about that.

Now, about the $32,000 that you owe. You say that you have eight years to pay it off? May I make a suggestion then? I have direct deposit with each of my paychecks. If you are in the same boat, speak to your bank and ask them to set a specific amount of money aside each and every paycheck so that you can start paying that debt. For example, if you have eight years to pay off that debt, that's $4000 a year. Now, let's say that you get paid every two weeks, meaning you put away money 26 times a year. If you wanted to put away $4000 in one year from your paychecks, you'd have to put away about $154 per paycheck. Your best bet would be to talk to your bank and set up an account that you could draw interest from. I've used GICs or Canadian T-Bill Mutual Funds. (I live in Canada, so I am not sure what accounts Americans have available to them.) Then pay off your $4000 once a year (or perhaps just put that $154 directly toward the debt every paycheck). If you get paid every week, it's $77 per paycheck. This is how I go about paying for my insurance and other bills. I have $117.00 taken out of my paycheck every two weeks and put toward my car insurance and toward a little nest egg for any future happenings. (Car insurance is $40 every paycheck and the other $67 is savings -- they say that you should put 10% of your paycheck away, so that's what I'm doing. ;) )

This may sound steep to you, paying out this certain amount every month. However, when you live a frugal lifestyle, it really can work! There are hundreds of women in this group who set aside money from paychecks every week to pay off their debts and have done it successfully! If you can afford more than $154 every two weeks, do so! That'd mean your debt would be gone quicker. Plus, it looks good that you are making regular payments toward your debt should you need to take out any other accounts (though I wouldn't recommend this).

I think it's very important to speak to your family. Tell them the goals that you have, and explain to them what you would like to do. I am sure there are ways you can contribute to your son's honeymoon and your daughter's cruise without giving them large sums of money. Can you take your daughter shopping, or get her a tan before her cruise? Can you help your son plan a fantastic and romantic honeymoon in a town in the next state? Be creative, there are lots of things that can be done!

I hope that's helped some. Let us know what you think!

BTW, welcome to the Village! :welcome:

You people are great! Naderbug, oh my gosh your response took so much thought and time to type it out...THANK YOU!
My $32,000. I can borrow off of my TSP and pay myself back in 5 years. That way all interest goes to me, so I will probably do that. I have enought in my TSP to do this, but I will lose the compound interest on that money and my interest will be 5% so in effect all I'll be making on that $ is 5%. I can live with that but that payment amount will be over $200 each pay...$400 a month. Ouch, but if that's all I have for debt it's equivelent to a car payment.

My time for saving up for the DK's gifts is short, so I'd need to use what little I do have saved. I am realistic, I know I'm not paying $5000 cuz I just can't. But in the time left, to do a reasonable amount is going to clean me out. I have talked a little to my daughter, and I am proud that both of my kids aren't dependant on Mommy (or daddy) for $$. I just would like to contribute. I know there's always gonna be milestones and I can't always be a significant source but how do I admit that.
I have to insert here that I am VERY responsible with money. I am very frugal, but this new lifestyle seems so self indulgent since it was me that decided to leave and divorce ex. I feel like I'd be saying...sorry, I gotta be selfish now...no can do helping you out.
It really IS guilt playing the biggest part....

BTW, did I also mention that my sister is expecting her first baby pretty late in life and she lives across the country and I feel I should make a trip out there to help her get ready for this baby. She's due in August. There's money for a plane ticket...GAH!

Ok, more suggestions.

I know exactly where you're coming from on the whole selfishness thing. I'm twenty-four and have spent the last two and a half years in a marriage to a man who required (at least in his mind) that I devote my entire life to him, fully and completely, with no room for me. Long story short, I am filing for divorce in September. I am currently in another relationship with a wonderful man (who I call :smooch: ). However, he is a very independent person, and I am SOOOOOO not used to that! Like I said, I am used to devoting myself 110% to my husband, and now that I'm in a relationship with :smooch:, who likes time to himself and to do his own thing, I find it very difficult. At first I kept taking panic attacks -- what do I do with myself? And I felt so selfish about it.

The thing is, I had to get over that feeling. There is absolutely nothing wrong with spending time, money and effort on yourself. You are just as important to your son, daughter and BF as they are to you. And they want to see you happy, I'm sure. I'm not trying to discourage you from helping them with their big projects coming up. I'm just saying that I think there are more meaningful, creative ways that you could make an effort to help them without shelling out a bunch of cash. For example, is your son going to remember that you gave him $1000 toward his honeymoon (where he will be preoccupied with his gorgeous new wife and all the fantastic things about her) or will he be more reminded by, say, the pictures in the gorgeous photo album you made for them? Or by the freezer full of frozen dinners you made so that they wouldn't be stressed out when they get back from the honeymoon? Or the basket with a bottle of delicious champagne, the delicious cookies, crackers and cheese, and the wonderful smelling candles you give him to use on the honeymoon?

Likewise with your daughter. Will she appreciate the $1000 you give her for her cruise (where she'll be flirting with handsome shipmen and gazing at tropical masterpieces) or will she appreciate the sexy little bikini you bought for her, which goes along with the cute sunglasses and sandals? Or the adorable journal and pen you gave her, plus disposable camera, to record her adventure? Or the travel basket, equipped with sunscreen, empty address book (so she can keep track of people she meets) and fresh fruit that you give her to enjoy on her vacation?

I know it's certainly not $1000 toward their adventures, but will it really mean as much as something tangible, in the end? When your daughter comes home, is she going to say, "Mom, thanks for the money for the cruise" and not mention it again, or is she going to say, "Wow, Mom, great idea on the address book. I got the name of six gorgeous guys while I was on that cruise, and I have a date next weekend!" Likewise, is your son going to say, "Mom, thanks for the money for the honeymoon" and not mention it again, or is he going to say, "Wow, Mom, Julie really loved the frozen dinners! She wants that recipe for lasagna. Wow, you must've been really busy, there's enough food here to feed an army. What a great surprise!"

I paid for our entire wedding (my husband was in university at the time). You know what my favorite wedding gift was? The washer/dryer combo we received from my husband's parents.

Now, if I may suggest another alternative to flying out with your sister. :P Chances are, your sister probably has friends nearby that could help her get ready for this new baby. Might I suggest you start a care package? Start collecting sleepers, soothers, baby bottles, rattles, baby blankets, and coupons coupons COUPONS for baby stuff for your sister. Then, about two weeks before her due date, ship up the box of items. Again, is your sister going to say, "Thanks for coming over and helping me out" and not mention it again, or is she going to say, "Wow, I forgot all about buying diaper rash cream and nursing pads! Thanks so much for the stuff, especially that bottle of bubble bath. That is a real treat for me."

You can contribute so much to a person, but there's so many ways to do it. You should see what I have planned for my Mom's trip to Ireland next week! I plan on making a bunch of food stuffs for her and her boyfriend while their gone and filling their freezer with yummy goodness, so when they stumble back in, jet-lagged and exhausted, they won't have to do anything but pop a pizza in the oven and relax for a while.

WOW.....Thank you! Such creative ideas! I'm gonna need a game plan! All EXCELLENT ideas!
I am right now working on a crib quilt for soon-to-be nephew. I have already sent maternity clothes that I found at neighborhood thrift store. I am doing things, I'd just like to go help out with painting or the like. We'll see....

I am all for the sexy little bikini, sunglasses, and sandles! Heck yeah!

I am 27, and very independent. My mother knows that she can not give me money. I wont accept it. One time, we sent a 500 dollar check back and forth for about 2 months before she just put it in my savings account. It is the little things my mother gives me that I appreciate the most. Like the time she sent me a new scrapbook and pages and all the odds and ends that go with it, so I could scrapbook my trip to Spain. Now, everytime I take out that book to share my trip, I think about my mother. And when she is gone, it will be even more memorable. It is tangible. So I agree with Naderbug, the money, while would seem to be nice, will not be a lasting memory.

Please be careful with your gift giving. I also love to give gifts but I read that many women are brought to financial ruin because of their gift giving. We women are care givers and like to bring smiles and comfort to people and especially to those we love. We will often over extend ourselves to help others thinking its a life or death situation to do so even though its not. Over time it can slowly drain the life out of us and our bank accounts. It can keep us in a perpetual state of stress because we're always feeling guilt ridden, worrying we can't fund these events and then one day awakening to find we're old, without enough money and now dependent on others as a result. We need to stop the insanity!

Most people don't appreciate how we spend our money on them. Most don't even remember, but they do remember the good heartfelt times we've shared. We need to use our imanginations more to find creative solutions that will not drain us financially and that will enable others especially our children to find solutions for themselves. They can know we love them without spending money. I feel we need to put more love into what we're doing and less money. Many of us are now equating love wih money. It doesn't have to be this way.

After reading this article, I cut down on my financial gift giving. I used to have everyone over every holiday and I would buy and prepare all the food. I was spending thousands at Christmas time but rarely ever received a gift myself. (Though I didn't mind). I would take in any relative needing a place to stay for extended periods of time and literally giving people the clothes off my back. After awhile I realized that no one seemed to appreciate any of this. I was enabling other people to be dependent instead of finding their own solutions that they could be proud of. I was stunting their growth instead of helping them to grow. I also was lying to myself by pretending I could continue to keep giving financially in this way. I woke up before it was too late.

I now ask people to each bring a dish to our family gatherings, I explained I could no longer continue to give monetary gifts as I lost my job and I no longer offer my home as a crash haven. I pray my loved ones will be able to find their own solutions which will eventually empower them and I also pray for creative ways to give to others that will not bankrupt me. Life is different around here now and I think we're all enjoying it a lot more.

Dave'sGirl...I have nothing to add to the exceptional advice you been given here. (Funny...my favorite wedding gift was ALSO a washer and dryer my parents bought us!) Money doesn't equal love, and the fact is, you've raised these children your whole life, much of which it sounds, in an unhappy marriage. You say you feel badly being selfish. I say, it's time to take care of you. They should understand this. As your daughter if there is anything she NEEDS for the cruise. Perhaps you could get her that. Ask your son if there is anything he NEEDS for the honeymoon, or upon their return. Get them that.

I'm currently on maternity leave with my third child. My parents wanted to give us money, either as a loan or as a gift so we wouldn't be stretched so thin during this time. We told them no, and despite their arguments, we came to an agreement that they would occasionally drop off a roast, or some chicken. They feel helpful, they get to keep their money (Which they desperately needed come tax time due to some irregularities) and dh and I remain proud that we are doing it on our own.

Keep us posted! I'm interested in what you decide to do! :D

You've gotten some great advice about making sure the financial gifts would be wanted and alternative gifts that might be appreciated as much and are better financially. You mentioned you'd like to retire in 8 years and it's a huge priority, but said "love" to do other things with your money. May be wrong, but it seems like what might be your greatest priority you're putting on a back burner. If that is your highest priority, you should fund it first, and use any extra funds (if there are any) towards the other goals. In 8 years, your kids may have young families and have more need of a mom with free time to help out than with some extra money today.

On the other hand, if retiring early is just a dream and you'd really prefer to spend more on the kids & new house today, just make sure you're setting aside enough to retire at 65 or whatever age and don't worry about funding an early retirement. It's tough to set priorities sometimes, but I'm sure you'll figure yours out.

I read a thread on here earlier that made me think of this site and a gift that was given to me. I got a certificate from a bridal shop to have my gown preserved. That was an expensive not extravagant and most thoughtful gift. That may be something that will remind your child of you many times. Just a thought. Good Luck!

I agree also that you need to be careful, not feel guilty and take care of yourself! Your children sound wonderful and I bet time spent with you is much more important to them than things or money, take care of YOURSELF.

We're sadly in the middle of a hard time with hubbies mom, she's spending herself QUICKLY into bankruptcy and had initially ask us for help getting control of things (my hubby is the oldest son, we've never ask for anything from her and much prefer her company to gifts). When we went over the books with her she's on a quick crash course, the reason is the other kids, she's paying cell phones for them, letting them use her CC's, co-signing for them and feeding them, they're grown boys with good jobs and families, but she feels that giving things is the way to show love. She's shown love to the point her CC's are over the limits, the payments are late, her outgo is nearly double her income and her credit is shot.

God love her, she's a good mom but she's always putting the kids before herself.

Take care of YOU!

kj

Thanks to all that took the time involved to help me. I'm more grateful than I can say. Thia all gave me the perspective I needed to stop and think this thru. I've already come up with ideas (other than the wonderful gift ideas given here already). I'm thinking grocery store gift cards when they get back and also my son's got a favorite scalloped potato recipie I use. I served it once when I had the two of them over and his fiance also liked it. I'm thinking about getting them a potato slicer and including that recipie with it.
As far as my daughter, she's pretty experienced in the travel dept and has many swimsuits, travel clothes and the like so I've really got to think on this.
Mind you I will gift them with money, just not as much and I will put a LOT more thought into all of this.

And, I always knew I had to keep my retirement as top priority. Thing about that is that noone in my family KNOWS about this situation, not even ex, so I'm sure they think I have all this money, as I do have a decent job. I've been working on this buyback for a few months now but it's frightening because that's a TON of money and it probably means I will never own another house on my own. If BF and I marry yes, but not on my own. BTW, BF does know about this $$.

I think you've received some great advice, but I also wanted to add - sometimes a "large" gift is much better appreciated later - I got married 2 and a half years ago, and my parents and in-laws are still giving us "wedding" gifts - we didn't receive a whole lot on the big day, and some of the gifts are a lot more appreciated now than they would have been at the time. We're especially looking forward to a washer/dryer that we'll be getting "when we buy a house."

I can only second what others have said. DD#1 was married at Christmas and we asked what she wanted us to give. She asked if I would donate the wedding outfit and help cater the food for the reception. So that's what I did. She also registered at the Bay for tons of stuff. We use that list (which we printed off) to purchase Christmas and birthday gifts for her and her dh. We should be good for a few years!

As for divorced parents and weddings...don't get me started! My parents are divorced and came to their granddaughter's wedding. The competition in the giving of gifts and cheques between them became embarassing. It started about 3 months before the wedding and continued for a month or two after! DD#1 just decided to quit cashing Grandma's cheques. Not saying this would happen in your situation, but I would really watch that you do not put your son in an embarassing situation with his spouse over your gift giving.

If, OTOH, your children are used to getting money from you, you have a different problem. We basically let the kids know they're on their own after they turn 18. They are expected to provide for themselves. They can live at home, but they either go to school full time (in which case we help out), or they go to work and pay us rent (if they live at home).

Dh is not a big fan of helping kids pay for their university, so I help out by taking them on errands so they don't need a car or use the bus that often. I also give them grocery gift cards to use. I also help dd#1 with sewing for her apartment and showing her how to run a frugal household.

Whatever you decide, I'm sure you'll do fine. You seem to have a handle on the issues. You just need to priortize, as someone else posted, and get on with it from there. You may need to set boundaries with family in regards to money, that's all. Best of luck!

Jean

Im not sure if anyone has truly said this point blank so I will.

Its ok to say no.

It doesnt meant you do not care or are not willing nor wanting to help your own children but as some said you could give money and they say "thanks" once and thats the end of it. Buy them a gift that they may not want/need or need/want yet. But its also hard on you to be on your own, you must think of yourself now. You need to look after yourself first then worry about other things.

Alternate gift ideas:

* donate $100 to a charity of their choice (breast cancer, diabetes, heart & stroke etc) in their name

* plant a tree in their name

* make 'coupons' or 'vouchers' to help do things once they've past their big day etc - home cooked meals delivered x amount of days per year, free spa-like day with manicure/pedicure and a great lunch out etc

Or you can wait to give them what they really need, later on in their lives once ALL of you have established yourselves. All they really need right now is your support, love and blessing/well wishes. Thats priceless.

Just talk to them, be open and honest....after all this is what you'd want if they had a problem too right?