Hello Ladies,

It has been a long time since I have posted here. I haven't been able to use my laptop due to a broken charging cord. Also, things around here have been heated between my husband and I. We will be seperating ASAP. After being together for almost 20 years. We have been together since I was a sophomore in H.S. It has been long overdue. I was just hoping for alittle advice. What are some of the mistakes to avoid? What are some of the things I really should do?
These are some of the details: I am moving out of our house with my 13 year old daughter. My son (15) wants to stay with his dad. They will also have to move out.

Thank you

did you go by a different name?

i have no advise. As far as emotional stuffs, my best advise would be to never speak ill of dad infront of the kids. don't vent to them etc. My parents divorced when i was 16 and "dad" did it all the time. made me feel awful. i couldn't get a birthday card in the mail without a big to-do about what an ogre he thought she was etc. So that's the advise i have.

Hugs!!! The ladies here will have tons of ideas for ya.

No advice, just :hugz: and best of luck to you.

Missy,

Thank you for responding so quickly. My husband is against being civil. He says that if we are not staying together then there is no reason to be nice to me. It is really hard to stay calm around him. He is jealous and controlling. He also has a drinking problem. I have to move on if I am going to be happy.

Nothing to add but I will be sending you hugs and prayers! Best of luck with your situation.

Im sorry that he has such a poor attitude. MY dh and I have dated since 16 got married at 21. We have 13 yrs together already. Im sad to hear that your marriage isnt going to make it. I was hopeing that fairy tails do come true. I want to believe that dh and really will live happily ever after becuase when we got married so of our elders didnt think it was a good idea.

I dont have any advice eccept to tell you to do what you feel is right and dont lower yourself to his level. Just becuase he isnt going to be civil to you doesnt mean that you have to stoop to his level. Your kids will respect you for it.
Good luck.

I have no idea how you feel as I have never gone through this. My only advice would be to talk to the one in control of everything...God, and talk to him often.:angel2:

Hugs to you!! I'll be praying that God gives you patience and wisdom. It sounds like you are ready to live your dreams and not someone else's nightmare. Perhaps keep a diary of these dreams and goals to keep positive and moving in the right direction.

I really feel for you. I'm, going through something like that except he likes his drugs. All my kids are adults the baby is 21. I have been very nice to him where he has called me every name in the book as someone here told me make sure I get everything I deserve. Best of luck to you.
Fern

No advice just wanted to say I am sorry you are going thru this

I am so sorry about your situation. I am also going through a separation. I have been married 22 years with a 20 year old son and a 16 year old son. My husband had an affair all summer with bartender from the marina bar that we kept our boat....65 miles away, while I worked 12 hour days at a car dealership. He lied to me, saying nothing had been wrong with our marriage and then said she was a friend in need and brought her home for Thanksgiving dinner at my house (because I never turn away someone with nowhere to go). Four days later, she was still in my house and he asked for a divorce and said he was in love with her like he has never been in love before. My brother....my angel, had my 16 ds and I in a hotel for a week while we found an apartment. We moved in December 10 and are practically glued to each other's hip, but we are surviving.

My advice to you....because it does hurt, not matter how long it's been a bad situation...talk to someone, a counselor, a pastor, someone unbiased and supportive....talk to me. Keep track of everything, get a separation agreement as quickly as possible. Try to sit down with him and discuss the details of your separation rationally....but don't expect it to be easy.

I am beginning to feel whole again. I was neglected for many years, but hung in for the sake of committment and loyalty and yes, love. I have lost 32 pounds....I need to loose much more. I don't stress as much, I don't avoid home, I don't do anything that causes pain, if I can help it.

Love your children, keep them close. It will be ok....but it does take time.

If you would ever like to chat or email....you can reach me at specialfy02@yahoo.com

Take care, Pat...Nick and Chris' Mom

:grouphug2 Wish there was more I could offer. Dh and I are struggling ourselves after 15 years. I'm still hopeing we can work it out but that glimmer of hope is getting duller all the time and making a clean break is looking better and better. Lots of (((HUGS)))!!! I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.

My advice to you is to pray and seek out a good counselor. I also agree with the others that you don't speak badly about each other in front of the kids. The best scenario you two will work things out but either way good luck to you and God Bless.

Advice from someone who has been there (a time or two): seperate your finances as quickly as possible (checking, savings, 401, insurances, credit cards). Try to get (in writing- even if it is notebook paper) how you guys are going to work out child visitation and expenses. The advice on not speaking badly about him is excellent and pays off big time as the kids are older. After those things are done, as soon as you can get an attorney to work up either a set of divorce papers or legal seperation papers. I didn't with one ex - holding out hope he would "snap out of it" and we would get back together. He ended up wiping out my accounts, taking out credit cards in both our names and I spent a ton of money trying to get it all cleaned up.

Thank you all,

I am sorry that some of you know the hurt that I am going through personally. Being in a marriage that is not working out is terrible. As far as I know he has not gone out on me. He is always accusing me of having a boyfriend. If I am a little late coming home from the grocery store, then I would get the third degree. I sometimes go out with a friend ( not very often) he needs to know exactly what we were doing and where we went. I have never done anything for him to be like this. So this makes me wonder if he has a guilty concious.
I am a substitute teacher by day and work at a country gift shop at night. I have missed work yesterday because he didn't fix a flat tire on the vehicle that I was using. It was flat since Thursday, yesterday was Monday. It is really embarassing to call in to say that I can't make it to work. I is a good thing that the woman that I am calling to cancel is a friend of mine. At least she knows what I am going through. So last night my son fixed the tire somehow. My husband said he didn't fix it for me because I didn't ask him.
Last night my friend called me to sub today. I told her that I could because the tire was fixed. This morning I was already to leave, he had taken the keys out and locked them in the garage. So I had to call my friend back and tell her again that I couldn't make it. That only gave the school a 15minute notice.
I haven't been able to get anything out of OUR garage because he has change the lock and put a paddle lock on it.
This isn't the first time I have almost lost out on work because of him. Another time when he was being childish, he blocked the truck in with other vehicles so I couldn't leave. It was a good thing that it was a school in my town that I was subbing at, because the bus driver came back to my house to pick me up. Oh yeah, my 13 year old daughter too. She was so embarassed to be dropped of at school just her and I. When I told him how we got to school, he said that it wasn't his problem.
Today when I called him to find out where the key was, he told me that since I didn't want to stay with him then I needed to "find a new husband to give me a car. And get a real job."
I would love to be able to leave right now. I just do not have anyway to do so or anywhere to go. Life right now is SO frustrating. Thank you for letting me vent.

His behavior is past frustrating....he is being abusive and down right EVIL. How about a close friend, or family of any kind? Can you pack up some things, take your daughter and some money from your account and go to them? I know first hand how overwhelmed and lost you are feeling. Friends will help. Mine came to my rescue when I had to leave so abruptly. I know there are people that you know that love and care for you. I have only read some of your posts and know you are a good and caring person. You and your daughter cannot stay in the situation. It will only get worse. Please try to seek out someone to stay with temporarily. You would be surprised at how clear things look when you aren't surrounded by the craziness.
Pat

ps...generally when someone accuses YOU of doing something wrong, they have done something to be guilty of themselves. He may have never cheated, however, he knows he is wrong in how he treats you...food for thought.

I'm sorry for your situation. I have no new advice to give, other than I'd maybe reconsider letting my child stay with this man. Good luck.

No advice either, but been there, and I know youre really hurting. Just remember that it will get better, and everything happens for a reason.( some older lady told me that, when this happened tome,,for some reason it really helped)

Thank you ladies,

My MIL said that I could use her extra car if I wanted to. She also said that my daughter and I could stay with her for awhile. She told her son that he couldn't if he was still going to drink. I just hope that he doesn't try to retaliate against me for her trying to help me. I also hope that if I stay with her that my son would come to. He said that he wanted to stay with his dad when we move out. I just wish he would change his mind. Believe me this is not what I want to happen.
I might not have any choice but to stay with her for awhile. My income will be cut as soon as school ends for the year. It will be hard to find a place to rent in this school district or to get a car loan on my current income. I have been looking for another job to take the place of subbing. Then I am concerned about the transportation issue again. I am not finding the way out very easy.

Is there a battered women's shelter near you? If you don't need to stay there sometimes they do offer counseling services and sometimes it is best to learn from people who have been in the same situation.

I don't recall reading that he hit you but words and deeds can hurt just as much if not more. I am so sorry you are going through this abuse. I know you will find this hard to believe now, but you will come out of this, stronger and so much better off.

Reach out and grasp help anywhere you can. You have already started here and you are cared for and prayed for. Let others help you as well. Sometimes things are just too big for one person to handle. Don't be afraid and don't be prideful, just get out.

Please let us know how you are doing.......ok?

I am so sorry you are going through this. I escaped a similar situation myself 19 years ago.

No advice, just good thoughts coming your way!

Best of luck to you. :hugz:

I'm proud of you!!! Talking to you mil was an excellent idea. Family and friends are so important. My husband that I am separated from is an alcoholic and that was a huge part of our problem. Stay with her as long as it is comfortable and you can work on the next step. If you are in a safe place, one that is less stressful, it is so much easier to start each every other step necessary. Your son will come around in time, his father's actions will steer him right to you. I'm cheering for you!

BTW...even 5 months later (which is where I am at now) he is still frustrating and hard to deal with. Child support was supposed to be here on the 20th and guess what...still not here.

Sending Hugs your way! :hug2:

Good Morning ladies,

I am now using my MIL car to get to work. She came to my house to speak to her son about playing fair and being civil. He refused. He told her that he believes that I am running around on him and that he will not "let" me use "his" car period. She said then she is going to leave her car with me. He said it wasn't his problem. He hates the idea that she offered her house to my daughter and I. I understand that concerning me, but I think he should care where is daughter will stay.
He also came home with forms for divorce that he must of gotten from a friend at work (his wife works in the field). By the way I do not want any money from him. Because any money or gifts (when I received any) always had strings attached. I believe he will still try to control me if he feels that it is his money that I am using.
What do you think about this: The car insurance is due next week. I will not have the the money to pay for it. The insurance bill is in my name. The two vehicles on the policy are owned by my husband (paid for and registered to him). He will not let me use either one of these cars. If the bill doesn't get paid then it will be my name that shows a cancellation for non payment not his. If I cancel the insurance, that shows the wrong attitude of civility. I made a call to the insurance company to ask their opinion, but have yet to receive a call back.
Well I need to go. My friend was gracious enough to ask me to sub today, since she knew I could drive there. God bless good friends.
Thank you for listening and praying for my family. Have a great day.

Definitely sounds like your soon to be ex has "control" issues. SOunds like a sad situation for you and the kids.

It sounds honorable you want to keep the insurance paid, but he is not making effort to be "civil" either. You need to set up your own checking account and save your future paychecks solely for your needs. Also if there is an auto loan and the insurance is not current, the bank will be notified. Hope that is not the case. If your name is not attached to any auto loan or registration, then you should not feel badly for cancelling the policy. I am sure your insurance agent will advise you, but I would be telling the ex since you do not have use of the vehicles, and no $$, you are cancelling the insurance and he can contact them to put it solely in his name....and he will have to contact them, fill out an application, etc...that way it is noted you cancelled it and will not show up as a negative in the future. Hugs.

I have been there and still recovering. I left three years ago and have a 7 and 15yr old with him. I agree witht he first comment, never ever let the kids hear you talk bad about him and definatly don't direct the comments to them. You need to live now! That is pretty much every thing I've got. I had a controlling jealous man. and it is so great not to be timed or limited in who i can talk to , I am starting to make friends and now live two hrs. away from my family and have never talked to them so much in the 11 yrs. my hubby and I were together. I love living for me and the kids are doing great. They are happy now and happier to be around me. I dunno about you but living with my hubby I would often walk on eggs around him and then be worn out and grumpy for the kids. Not now and you know what. He's never been a better dad than he is now. (not that he's the greatest, but he's never been better)

I talked with the insurance company. They said that to give him the bill and then go in a sign a form that will release me from the policy. She did tell me that if I am going to be driving my MIL car then to be added to hers. This will also keep me current in the insurance world.
On my way to my night job I passed my husband on the road. Nothing happened and I continued on to work. When I got home he asked if I had 5 minutes to talk. He wanted to go over the divorce papers that he brought home yesterday. The first paper was about child support. He said "well, we don't need that one". He is not planning to pay anything because we will both have one child. His income is about 4 times as much as mine. He will not be paying spousal support (not that I even want any).
Then he informed me that is has cancelled my health insurance at his work. This was a real slap in the face. I have medical issues from my childhood that requires that I see specialists. I have even see doctors two states away. To leave me without any coverage at all is just...I have no words to explain how hurt I am to be treated like this.
He also went on to ask who was in the car with me when I met him on the road. He will not believe me when I tell him repeatedly that I have NEVER been with anyone on the side. To tell you the truth I am so scared of being treated like this again the thought of dating anyone is the furthest thing from my mind.
By the way I aready had my checking seperate. I just wish there was something in it. :cents: even. Please keep my family in your prayers.

I have no advice, but I am sorry that you are going through this.

I am sorry you are going through this, I was almost in the same situation as you just a mere week ago but I want to make our marraige work.

As far as you and your DH here's what I would do:
~ DONT SIGN ANYTHING he give you
~ Make him pay child support since he makes more than you, this is for your DD anyway, he should WANT to support her
~ Stop being civil, this isnt working with him, maybe he's being this way because he knows he can!
~ Dont ever talk bad about him in front of the kids - #1 rule!
~ Go stay with the MIL, she cares alot about you and your DD

I just wish you the best of luck and sending hugs and prayers your way :hugz:

I noted you are in Maine ( as I am). Try contacting "Pine Tree Legal" aid. I hear they give free aid or consultations for people in certain income requirements and they can give you good advice on child support, and your rights, health insurance,etc.... Might just be of help.
Here is the address: http://www.ptla.org/index.html

Again best wishes getting on your feet.

Claimsgirl66...I have been on their website many times. I have even tried calling. I kept getting a message to call back at certain times and days. I never seem to get it right. I am going to try again tommorrow. Thank you for suggesting it to me though.
Do you live in southern Maine?

I was not feeling that well today. I had to sub and then work at the night job. I think it just might be stress and nerves. Boy, do I need to get a steady income. It is going to be so hard trying to live on this pay.

Thank you to all you ladies for your concern and prayers.

Yup, in same area....battled the heavy holiday weekend traffic after work,yikes! I know affordable housing is an issue in this area, so I am glad you have the option of staying at your MIL home. Keep your chin up and keep us posted.

no advice, only hugs ~ stay strong for yourself.

Good Morning Ladies... Last night was pretty bad. He was drunk as usual. He wanted me to go over these divorce papers again. I told him that I wasn't going to do anything with them. I told him that I will be contacting my own lawyer. He will have to do the same. He hates the fact that he will have to spend "His" money on a lawyer because "I am being stubborn". He thought that since we are each taking a child (which I still hate that my son will be with him) that everything will be easy to split. Well anyway I am rambling.

He kept badgering me last night about everything and wouldn't leave when I asked repeatedly. So I called 911. He followed me all around the house while I was on the phone with them. He made some snide remarks about different things while he was following me. When the three state policemen got here we both had a conversation with them for awhile. They couldn't take him because he didn't commit any crime. They did tell me to put a protection from abuse order out on him next Tuesday. That will insure that he leaves the house.

Later on after they left my husband came into the house, stood at the diningroom table and stared at me like he had something to say. I was on the phone with my SIL, so I didn't even look at him directly. He then went in the bathroom to take a shower. I thought well I guess what he had to say must of not been that important. Well later after his shower, when all the kids had gone to bed, he starts up again. He was asking if the policemen were my "personal friends". I wouldn't answer him or even acknowedge that he was in the room. He kept asking me until finally he got up and went to go outside. Of course he had to make one more comment on the way out.

Well maybe SOON he will be gone. Please keep praying for my family.