My parents are very conservative with very traditional beliefs about relationships and those things related.

As I have mentioned before, I am living with my BF. This is completely unacceptable in my parent's point of view. Obviously, I feel that I am old enough to make decisions for myself and I have chosen to do this. I know it is not what they want for me, but it is what I want. Also I know that I will face opposition because I am young, but I am not that young. I feel that if I can be responsible for myself in all other ways, that I can make my own choices as well.

The problem I have is, I have not told my family. They believe that I am living on campus in a school apartment, which I have led them to believe to avoid their rejection. However, I hate lying to them and cannot continue to lie because it hurts me badly, I am just afraid their rejection will hurt even worse. I was hoping someone could give me advice on how to talk to them about it.

I have become (almost) completely independent from my family, espcially financially, because I am banking on the fact that they will withdraw all support when they learn. The only thing that they still help with is that I am on their insurance, but I pay my own bill. It's just cheaper for me to be under their name.

I do not want to be separated at all from my family, but I have come to a point in my life where I must decide what is more important, to do what I feel is best for me, or to sacrifice to win the approval of others?

I know that I will continue to live with my BF, no matter the outcome, but I do not want my parents to hate me or disown me. I know that this is a risk I am taking, but I wish it didn't have to be this way. I wish that my family could accept my choices as my choices, that be all. I really don't want to tell them til after Christmas either, in order to avoid tension over the holidays.

If anyone could offer advice, it would be greatly appriciated.

I would stop the misleading and tell them ASAP. As you said, you're a big girl and you're going to live w/bf no matter what. The longer you wait, the more it will hurt. They may feel even more deceived after Christmas, possibly even thinking you waited after receiving more from them (gifts) rather than owning up to it earlier.

I would say exactly what you wrote. You love them and you don't want them to disown you, but you need to be honest with them about something.

I really believe that honesty is the best policy. You can't control how they will behave, but you can start controlling how you behave.

Good luck!

I really believe that honesty is the best policy. You can't control how they will behave, but you can start controlling how you behave.
Good luck!

:tay:

Part of being adult is making choices & standing by them. You've made your choices and did so knowing that your parents wouldn't approve. Yes, there will be consequences (like college funding probably being taken away) but you will truly be standing on your own being true to your choices and owning them. In time your parents will (should) calm down , especially as they watch you grow into a beautiful independent young woman.
I'd just tell them that you love them dearly but ...
They will be disappointed because they had this idea of how things should go & they are worried about what will happen to you. All parents go through this with their kids and in time they will realize that this is your life & you will make mistakes and you will struggle but you will make your way. It's not easy letting go but they have raised you well enough to be strong enough to go it on your own & you go ahead and do just that.
They will come around, just give them time & if they don't well that's their choice.

I know that I should tell them as soon as possible, but they don't see me as indpendent and I see myself.

And it's not for gifts, we don't even really do gifts for anyone over 12 or 13...it's the family I never get to see except for at the holidays that I may not get to see.

And I'm not worried about college funding, everything for my college I have paid for myself, I have not once asked for money this year.

What would be the best way to talk to them about it? I'd much rather talk with my mom first, because she is the one that would have anything to say about it. If I were your child, what would you want to hear?

I am a conservative, traditional mom.
I feel that living together is wrong. However, once my children moved out into the world and became financially independent, they began a life for themselves. When you are in your own home, you make your own decisions. I would not support my child financially in that lifestyle. But I would not disown or reject my own child.I cannot tell you what to say to your mom. But I sense a loving closeness that you have for her. Just speak from your heart.

I'd want you to tell me the truth.

Know that when I look at you after you tell me that it's not a look of hate.

Its that I'm scared of you leaving, of being hurt, of making mistakes. Maybe I do care what other people think, maybe too much. Maybe I wish I did what you are doing now....

Tell me what your plans are, how this is important to you. Tell me you love me and that the way I've raised you has given you a family who mean the world to you & that hurting us is the last thing you want to do but it's time for you to spread your wings. Just talk to me & I'll help you talk to your Dad.

Would you see your child 'on their own' when they were attending college? When does a parent see a child as on their own?

I have considered myself majoritally financially independant since my Dad was laid off when I was in high school. I had a job and a car, so I just took care of myself. When my dad got a job, I felt it would be irresponsible and childish to start asking for money again if I was doing fine on my own. So basically since I have been working, I have been taking care of myself.

I am just afraid that I will never be able to spend time with my family again.

But that is the thing, my parents raised me NOT to do this, so telling them that I love the way they raised me would be a contradiction. Everything my mom has taught me about how to live is not how I am living.

I think you should apologize for not being honest and tell them you love them but have made this decision (if you are really sure) and you hope they won't "disown you" or whatever term you want to use.

Really, what else can you say? They will probably be angry, might even go a while without talking to you, but as you said, you're an adult and you have to decide which is more important - making your family happy, or making your own decisions and standing by them?

Bamber, I do not know if I will ever see my kids as adults. Although before me, I see independent adults, a part of me, I guess my heart, still sees the little ones I raised. I will always want what is best for them. But it is no longer my job to decide what is best.Are you happy in the choice that you have made? When I have personal conviction about my decisions, I am fortified. Do YOU think living together is wrong?I know you have stated it is what you want to do. Is what you want to do something you feel is wrong?Maybe, you are dealing with your personal convictions, more so than your parents convictions. Just my rambling thoughts. LOL

I think if you are truly grown up then what your parents think will not bother you in the way that it seems to. Dont misunderstand me, yes its important what your family thinks but if your grown up then its not that important. Do you understand? They only person that needs to feel good about your living situation is you

Yes, I am the only person that has to feel comfortable with it. But I do not want my parent's decisions to keep me from time I could spend with my grandparents, my aunts, my uncles, my cousins, and all the family that I only see at the holidays, and I only see them at my parents house.

It's not just my relationship with my parents that is on the line, I do not want to create more family drama than there needs to be.

My mother still tries to tell me what I can and cannot wear, what places I can and cannot go to, and who I can spend time with. Although I do not let her control me, I do have to suffer her criticism every time I do something she feels is 'innappropriate'.

If my situation were a perfect situation where both parties were completely undestranding, I'd tell her right away. But I do not feel she would give me a fair chance, knowing her strong convictions and how they have hurt our relationship in the past.

I dealt with the same issues as you when I was younger. I told my parents and they did not give me any support at all. I was cut off from them for awhile and they did not help me with college. It was rough and I was sad as I loved them very much and just wanted to be accepted.

That being said, it was one of the best decisions I ever made. I was honest with who I was and stood up for me. I am a much stronger person for what I went through.

Things ended up working out in the long run and my parents are accepting of who I am today, even if it's not exactly what they had hoped for me.

Yes, I am the only person that has to feel comfortable with it. But I do not want my parent's decisions to keep me from time I could spend with my grandparents, my aunts, my uncles, my cousins, and all the family that I only see at the holidays, and I only see them at my parents house..

So why don't you establish an adult relationship with your granparents, aunts and uncles? If you are relying on your parents to make the arrangements for those social gatherings, then perhaps you see your independence differently?


It's not just my relationship with my parents that is on the line, I do not want to create more family drama than there needs to be.

My mother still tries to tell me what I can and cannot wear, what places I can and cannot go to, and who I can spend time with. Although I do not let her control me, I do have to suffer her criticism every time I do something she feels is 'innappropriate'. .

I've learned that it takes two or more to make drama. You can let them rage and give you the silence treatment and leave the ball in their court. If you are planning on staying with your BF weather they like it or not, then the drama is all theirs. Let them own it.

And have you told your mom that she shouldn't be giving you advice on your wardrobe and social life? Only you allow yourself to suffer her criticism, you can always say, "Mom, it is inappropriate for you to tell me what to wear, and if you continue, i will end this conversation."


If my situation were a perfect situation where both parties were completely undestranding, I'd tell her right away. But I do not feel she would give me a fair chance, knowing her strong convictions and how they have hurt our relationship in the past.

I don't think anyone has the "perfect situation" for disclosing something like this. She may view it as you hurting her but in reality it is her response that hurts her. She may be disappointed but you will be proving yourself to be truely independent as an adult. Only you can weigh out the pros and cons of this situation. Everything has a cost. It will cost now, it may cost later.

Good luck in your decisions.

I"ve read through this and have noticed, Bamber, that you have not disclosed your age. I feel this may be the sticking point.

You may "think" you are grown up, but in actual fact the human brain does not mature until you are 25. This is a physical fact. I remember thinking I knew it all at 21, but now realise that 35 is a more realistic milestone in terms of reasonable maturity and sound decision making.

Once a young adult moves out of home, they can get up to anything they like, and generally do. Curiosity killed the cat, and all that. I feel it is a little naive for your family to think you are the same girl now that you were when living with them, because in some ways you are not.

If your true age was 15-18, then I, as a mother, would have a problem with my daughter living with a boyfriend. It would NOT be based on sexual concerns (I would reason my child was well enough educated in that sense to take appropriate precautions and set ground rules). My concerns would be for my daughter's general welfare, eating properly, and most importantly not being influenced by inappropriate older people in making poor life choices. THAT would be my greatest concern.

Once my child was 18 (this is the legal adult age in Australia) they are entitled as an adult to do anything they like, and my responsibility to them ends, to a certain extent, but I would still be available to listen to their problems, and to give counsel, if that is what the child wanted.

So what is your age?

Reading about your situation brings me back to my younger days. My parents sound a lot like yours. I didn't actually live with my boyfriend (now my husband) but I know that they would not have approved of our relationship as it was. I chose to not disclose the actual truth to them. Maybe it was like living a lie, but I just knew the way they were. I was independent and had good judgement and was a good person. I was tired of being controlled by them, too. Now, I have been married over twenty years and have three children, my oldest 19 years old. He lives his life very differently than we have raised him, but I love him and want a relationship with him no matter what. So, I have chosen to feel/ behave differntly than I believe my parents did. Sorry that this is so long. I know I haven't given you any advice, but I guess you have to be true to yourself in the end. Good luck.

I don't think my age beyond the fact that I am over 18 but still in college should be a factor. There are several factors of maturity level that go beyond the number of years I have been alive. I know many people well over 25 that still act like they are adolecents, and many people barely over 18 who are wise beyond their years.

As for my family, it's tradition, not the fact that my parent's arrange the social situations. My aunts/uncles live far away and only come down for Christmas and sometimes Thanksgiving. I do see my grandparents occasionally on my own, but it is on occasion. They also live a good distance away and I know it sounds bad but I just do not have the time to see them. With school and work I am too busy and cannot afford the gas either.

It is not that I do not plan on telling her, I just want to wait.

And I can't be sure I am right, who ever is 100% sure? I don't want to shut out my family completely, I want them to love me and be there for me, but I know they won't. I guess I feel that if they can't love me unconditionally, I don't owe them my honesty.

I think you should tell them; my only other thing is that if they are paying money based on you living up to certain expectations, then they have every right to pull that money if you are not meeting them. I believe you said that you are pretty much on your own financially so it may not be a big deal, but if they are paying for you to live in a dorm room and you are paying rent with BF then that in my mind is not good.

No, my scholarship pays for my dorm room. The only financial assistance I have is that they allow me to remain on their car insurance so that I get a discount, but I still pay the entire bill.

[QUOTE=bamber;


[/QUOTE]Parents would like to have the same thing. Unconditional love.Maybe it begins with honesty.

I LOVE MY PARENTS. I want to have a good relationship with them SO badly. But I know that if I follow my heart, I cannot do that, not because of me, because of them.

We are talking about a kind of 'unconditional love' that told me that they would love me less if I got body piercings. Just a little hole in my body! Imagine what this would do to their love for me?!

Oh and should I really tell them that I have body piercings now? After they said that? Would that honesty be good? The knowledge of holes in my body would not help them in any way, and it obviously would hurt me.

I LOVE MY PARENTS. I want to have a good relationship with them SO badly. But I know that if I follow my heart, I cannot do that, not because of me, because of them.

We are talking about a kind of 'unconditional love' that told me that they would love me less if I got body piercings. Just a little hole in my body! Imagine what this would do to their love for me?!I understand now. Bamber, I am so sorry.I cannot understand this behavior from parents, other than to say that is a terrible way to get what you want from a child of any age.I can understand how you must feel.

OK thanks Bamber for responding - if you are over 18 then your parents should really only show a general duty of care to your welfare. They have no rights to tell you how to dress, who to see or live with etc, especially if you have left the family home. I hope they come to their senses.

I wish you all the best in resolving this.

When I was young I moved in with a boy. I told my parents and they did not react well at all. I still wish I'd never told them. I lived far enough away that they never would have found out, and when things went bad in the relationship I was too embarrassed to get out when I should have.

When I was almost thirty my (now) husband moved in with me. I never told my parents, even though they lived down the street, lent him their truck to move his stuff in, and were over nearly daily. My mother chose to pretend he was just visiting, we never spoke of it. All was happy.

I think that before you jump into an open honest relationship with your parents, you should think really hard about whether they can handle one. Ask yourself what you hope to gain, and whether that is a realistic expectation. Just because your parents should respect your decisions doesn't mean they ever will. I'm 36, my mother still tells me what I should be wearing, doing, etc. I just go like this :lalala: since I know that arguing with her is pointless and just causes unnecessary conflict.

I agree with Annymoll, as I too don't understand your parents "conditions and requirements" to be the recipient of their love. It doesn't seem to be based on who you are but what you present. I don't think it is their business if you have 1,3, or 20 body piercings.

It sounds as if they are using their "love" or "withdraw of their love" as a way to guilt you into doing what they want, presenting yourself who they want you to be. That is very manipulative, destructive to the relationship as you are finding out, and unhealthy.

Do you have any past experiences where they have threatened their "love" to get you to do behave a certain way, and you ignored their threat? How did they respond? How did you feel?

And though the numerical age may not seem as important to you as a factor of maturity, it does have its role in helping us, and you, to determine what your life experiences have been. You may be mature for a 20 year old (or whatever your age is) but it doesn't sound as if you are ready for this situation.

Other things to consider:

Would you be able to pay the car insurance if you were not on their policy?
Are you willing to accept the consequences of their chosing to end their relationship with you if you tell them?
What does your BF think about the situation?
Is he someone they would like if you were not living together?
Do your other family members (grandparents, aunts/uncles) feel the same way your parents do?

When I was young I moved in with a boy. I told my parents and they did not react well at all. I still wish I'd never told them. I lived far enough away that they never would have found out, and when things went bad in the relationship I was too embarrassed to get out when I should have.

When I was almost thirty my (now) husband moved in with me. I never told my parents, even though they lived down the street, lent him their truck to move his stuff in, and were over nearly daily. My mother chose to pretend he was just visiting, we never spoke of it. All was happy.

I think that before you jump into an open honest relationship with your parents, you should think really hard about whether they can handle one. Ask yourself what you hope to gain, and whether that is a realistic expectation. Just because your parents should respect your decisions doesn't mean they ever will. I'm 36, my mother still tells me what I should be wearing, doing, etc. I just go like this :lalala: since I know that arguing with her is pointless and just causes unnecessary conflict.


I think this is why I have not told them yet. I know that if things did not work out, I probably would have too much pride to go back and ask for help if they rejected me.

...
Do you have any past experiences where they have threatened their "love" to get you to do behave a certain way, and you ignored their threat? How did they respond? How did you feel?

I have ended previous relationships because of my mother's likes or dislikes. Otherwise, I have usually complied with everything to keep the peace. I feel like I have sacrificed many things, and I just cannot give this up.

And though the numerical age may not seem as important to you as a factor of maturity, it does have its role in helping us, and you, to determine what your life experiences have been. You may be mature for a 20 year old (or whatever your age is) but it doesn't sound as if you are ready for this situation.

Again, I do not feel my age is important, I feel that people older than myself do judge me based on my age without any consideration of other factors. Age is a number, it has nothing to do with knowledge or experience.

Other things to consider:

Would you be able to pay the car insurance if you were not on their policy?
Are you willing to accept the consequences of their chosing to end their relationship with you if you tell them?
What does your BF think about the situation?
Is he someone they would like if you were not living together?
Do your other family members (grandparents, aunts/uncles) feel the same way your parents do?

I would find a way to pay my car insurance, yes. I do not want to accept those consequences, that is why I have not told them. I value my relationship with my parents, but I am not willing and do not feel I should have to give up my relationship with my boyfriend in order to preserve my relationship with my parents. He doesn't like me lying to my parents, but he understands the situation and he tells me that he doesn't care either way.

That is the other thing. My dad likes my BF, but my mother hates him. She will not admit she hates him, but actions speak much louder than words. Every time he comes to my parent's house (which is rare, because of what happens) she stares, will hardly speak to him, and just generally makes the situation uncomfortable. My dad makes a genuine effort to ease the tension, but it's still there. Every other year until this one, my BF had to work on Christmas and did not get to meet my other relatives except at my sister's wedding a year and a half ago. My dad's side of the family love him, and I think my mom's side of the family didn't really notice him too much, or maybe they just thought he wouldn't be around too long, I don't know.

I lived with bfs before and I didn't feel it necessary to tell my parents all about it since I was on my own. If they asked, I would tell but I think they knew and didn't ask. They would find out eventually anyway and I would deal with their surprise or reaction when it happened and no sooner. They knew there was nothing they could do to stop me and punishing me by disowning me would really be more like punishing themselves so they had their little discussion with me on how they didn't think it was a good idea but I was grown and would do what I wanted.

There are still some secrets I keep from my parents. To tell them now would only hurt and disappoint them so I keep it to myself.

There are still some secrets I keep from my parents. To tell them now would only hurt and disappoint them so I keep it to myself.

I agree. I think some parents are controlling and just not able to accept their children as adults who want to live their own lives the way they feel is best. It's sad, but true. I wish I didn't have to keep secrets at times with my parents, but I know them and how they would react.