I don't know if this is the right place to post, but I need some guidance from some of you wise women. Mind you I am not a babe in the woods myself, I am 43 and should be able to handle this already...but here goes.

My DH (2nd husband of 2 years) and I just filed bankruptcy, mostly due to mounting medical and dental bills, but there were a lot of old cc bills that we weren't able to pay as well. The total was about $14,000. What we have left is just my student loan of $12,000; which is useless now because I am on disability for rheumatoid arthritis and fibro, but that is another story.

DH and I have determind I am a shopaholic. Mind you I don't buy expensive things, I am a bargain shopper. I also cannot stand to have money in my wallet. If it is there I feel like I have to spend it. I know this is because of the way I was brought up, my mom was the same way, and my parent's were very dysfunctional with money. I have had 3 major upsets with money; in my early 20's, in my 30's after my divorce, and then now. This last time we just worked really hard to get our credit up to buy our first home and then once we got in it the expenses of starting out just took over and mounting bills and car repairs just killed us.

I need to find a way to curb my desire to bargain hunt. I do it all the time, on ebay, online, the dollar store, goodwill, anywhere I can. I am medicated already for OCD. I hate to start going to 12-step programs because I just am not that type of person. I did just order Dave Ramsay's program after watching some of his shows, and I worry about the envelope system because I'm scarred I'll take the money and blow it on something.

I guess my question, if there is one or two here, is have any of you experienced anything like this, and how do you curb it, or do any of you have suggestions on how to work through this?

Thank you so much,

I'm sorry you are going through this.

I used to be a shopaholic when I was married, wasn't happy until I spent whatever money I had. I shopped sales, used coupons, found bargains, etc. I always thought I was getting a good deal but I was spending money like crazy using my ex-h cc's or writing checks many times withdrawing our account. This caused problems with the many other things with our marriage and the marriage ended.

I was left broke and divorcing and my daughter and I lived with my parents for awhile. I had no money so that halted my spending.

You have to want the need to live simpler and stop spending. Ask your self do you need this, the answer will probably be no. Stop looking at things online and when you go to stores have a detailed list and only buy those things.

My mom is a shopaholic, my parents were just making it after paying all the credit card payments a month, I believe they were paying about $700 a month just on minimum payments because of my moms shopping. My dad had a heart attack and the medical bills were high. They filed for bankruptcy, there debt was too high and they couldn't afford basic neccessities or food.

I'm sure having to file doesn't feel good but you need to be determined to never let this happen again.

When you get the urge to buy bc of a bargain (I am working on this too) just remember how it felt to file the bankruptcy. No shopping high will compare to the feeling of having no debt. And the little purchases here and there will kill your budget. You want to set a good example for your kids as well. My fil was recently dx with RA as well. My mil is trying to get everything paid so when he can no longer work, they won't be in debt.

I'm not sure why you don't want to do a recovery program but they do help. Celebrate Recovery is an excellent program for just this type of addiction.

I went through a spending spree earlier in my marriage and just loved a bargain. My mind would rationalize the purchase because it was a "great" price. I bought so much for my home that it started to make me claustrophobic. Every wall had art or something on it and furniture began to crowd the place. I even had a "gift" closet that I'm still trying to unload.

I found through therapy that I was trying to fill an "inner need." Now, I hate clutter, and love to go into stores so I can look at the "bargains" and walk away and say no. It's very easy now. I've since filled that empty place with God and things spiritual and have no more problems in this area.

I would say talk to someone you trust or maybe even consider going to a therapist who can get you back on track. Oftentimes, our need to acquire "things" is a missing link within us. It might not be your case, but finding out where this stems from would help you get over this addiction.

Many blessings to you as you embark on a new year and a new mindset. You can do it! Visit here often for inspiration and motivation!

I did just order Dave Ramsay's program after watching some of his shows, and I worry about the envelope system because I'm scarred I'll take the money and blow it on something.


Thank you so much,

If you are truly worried about having cash around, then DON'T - not until you can trust yourself a little more. I do sort of a different version of the envelope system. I leave all of the $$ in the account (I simply don't want to have to keep track of the envelopes), but I keep a binder with one page for each bill. Each month has a column on the page and I write down my budget for that expense for the month (ie: groceries - I write down my budget at the top and each time I purchase groceries, I subtract it from the total) at the end of the month I take all of the balances from the various expenses and add them together - if I was honest and true to myself and my binder, The total should match, to the penny, my balance in my checking account.

I'm so sorry and hope you are able to work out your problem. I've overspent at thrift stores before. I haven't bought new clothes (expect for underwear and socks) for any of us at a store for about 4 years. I ONLY will buy from thirft stores. I ran across so many good deals that dh and I decided I could easily go through $100 a week on bargains and that wasn't saving us anything so I now only carry $20.00 with me when I go thrift shopping. I also only go once a month (the weekend after my disability check arrives). You'd be surprised how far $20.00 can go when you absolutely 'dig' for the best deal and don't get sucked into buying stuff that you don't need. I also go with a list such as 'dh needs jeans', or 'I need office supplies'. This has worked out really well since I rarely leave the house and am not tempted to just stop in a store. Dh and I either do the grocery shopping together or he does it alone. He won't enter a thirft store, lol, so no problem for him.

Dh and I also have a deal since we have so little money. We never spend more than $20.00 without the other one knowing and or approving. My house would be overflowing with furniture and more stuff to re-sell if we didn't have that rule. I already have all of MIL's things to sell so it's not like I need something else to sell. If I run across something that I think dh would want or need or that I need but is over my limit, I call him, we decide and then I ask the store to hold the item till later that day or the next day. They rarely refuse.

Just some tips that I use. I wouldn't try the envelope system yet until you have gone a month or 2 without spending all of your cash in your wallet. I know the thrill of the 'hunt' for a bargain and it can be intoxicating. You just need to figure out what works best for you so that you don't end up spending bill money or overspending on your grocery budget. Hugs, Carolyn

One thing that might help is to spend some of that time you'd spend on ebay sigining up for freebies of samples, especially soap, shampoo, toothpaste, etc. that you can use to stretch your supply. ONLY sign up for things that do not require a credit card or shipping charges or additional purchase, though. This can shift your focus from getting good deals for a little while.
I would strongly suggest working with a therapist or support group as you are working through this. I like one on one therapy, it has helped me many times over the years.

One thing that might help is to spend some of that time you'd spend on ebay sigining up for freebies of samples, especially soap, shampoo, toothpaste, etc. that you can use to stretch your supply. ONLY sign up for things that do not require a credit card or shipping charges or additional purchase, though. This can shift your focus from getting good deals for a little while.


Great idea! That's exactly what I do! I get a thrill out of getting all of those freebies!:applause:

Could you switch over from getting to giving? Maybe organizing items for a yard sale and pricing them, or selling on ebay?

I went through a spending spree earlier in my marriage and just loved a bargain. My mind would rationalize the purchase because it was a "great" price. I bought so much for my home that it started to make me claustrophobic. Every wall had art or something on it and furniture began to crowd the place. I even had a "gift" closet that I'm still trying to unload.

I found through therapy that I was trying to fill an "inner need." Now, I hate clutter, and love to go into stores so I can look at the "bargains" and walk away and say no. It's very easy now. I've since filled that empty place with God and things spiritual and have no more problems in this area.

I would say talk to someone you trust or maybe even consider going to a therapist who can get you back on track. Oftentimes, our need to acquire "things" is a missing link within us. It might not be your case, but finding out where this stems from would help you get over this addiction.

Many blessings to you as you embark on a new year and a new mindset. You can do it! Visit here often for inspiration and motivation!

I wholeheartedly agree with changed4life. Would have posted it myself but she beat me to it :)

If this is seriously negatively impacting your life, it will take a major fundamental shift from within to change your behavior. You cannot do this alone. I repeat, you cannot do this alone. I highly encourage you to find a counselor or a support group to help you through this. It takes unbiased, outside, objective observation and feedback to help change deeply ingrained thought patterns and behaviors. Willingness to go to any lengths to change destructive behavior is what it takes. FWIW, I go to a 12 step group for other reasons and it has changed my life on such a profound level that I am a totally different, better person for it. You might want to give it a try, what have you got to lose? Best thing is they are free!

I'll keep you in my thoughts.

well, my latest trick, and it seems to work, is that

1) I dont carry around money any more. I take money when I need to get something.

2) I see something that is a "want" I have to wait 24 hours. If the next day, I still find I cant do without, I give it extra thought. In that 24 hours, if I remember what Im thinking about, I have to think of ways I can use what I already have, or places perhaps I may find it less expensive... Shopaholics tend to have short memory spans on impulse items. I dont have to use this as often as I could.

3) shop by the LIST. Grociery shopping, eat before you go and shop by your LIST! Only deviate if its a super good deal, and sometimes, with cash, you have to drop some to get others. Meat is what I deviate on the most, when I can get a super sale or something that wasnt in a flyer for me to plan on.

4) DO YOUR SHOPPING WITH THE ADS..... make the list with what you already have and whats already in stock with your kitchen. Plan on what days your going to make what, and always have a backup for the evening, such as cheap totinos pizza or something when plans go arye.

read jerrold mundis' book How to get out of debt, stay out of debt and live prosperously

debtor's anonymous is a program that you might consider. especially if you can't stop.

I used to be the same way, easily going through $100 a week at yard sales. I had a house full of used stuff that I got a good deal on, but it was all stuff that really gave me no pleasure. I have a rule now that in order for me to bring in something new, then I have to get rid of a similar item. This rule is easy when you are buying new sneakers to replace the old worn out ones. With other things though it really makes me thing hard if I am OK with getting rid of something. Right now I am also trying to save money for a new car, I have a picture of the car I want that I keep wrapped around my cash and debit card. Seeing what I want helps me rethink any nonessential purchases.

You could start an "accountablity group" with us here for free?
Watcha think?
People just have to promise to not be patient and understanding if theres a slip up?

I think avoiding stores at all costs helps.
Sending hubbies to the grocer works as they are often list oriented by nature :D

Throw all flyers away and adds ASAP.
You wanna know food sales and nessesities...
But stores also wanna sell you more more more.

I would try to trade the shopaholic tendency over to a saver/frugal tendency.
Get obcessed with buiding savings/wealth etc..
Read the Millionaire Next Door.

Who knows this trait may bless you if channelled?
:thumb:

WOOPS, I mean to say that we needed to BE patient and supportive.

Uh, so sorry!
I typed that wrong.

Gee an UNsupportive group sounds helpful ahahahahah

Slip ups will happen as you start a new way of life, but you wil get there :hugz::hugz:

1.) do not carry cash or have cash around the house...that is too tempting.
2.) Do not carry credit cards. Leave them at home or better yet cut them up.
3.) Limit your television watching. Due the commercials, television prompts many people to shop.
4.) Get into therapy to ascertain the real reason why you display these behaviors.
5.) Go into your closet and around your house to inventory what you currently have this will help you realize that you already have enough.:cuckoo:

You could start an "accountablity group" with us here for free?
Watcha think?
People just have to promise to not be patient and understanding if theres a slip up?



LOL...I saw your correction a few posts after this. I thought Wow, she's going to crack the whip! LOL

I totally agree with what's been said. You can't do this alone. Get a support group. Get you DH to do the errans for a while or always take a suportive buddy along. Don't carry cash if you don't think you can resist. Make a plan and stick to it. I think you should tackle this as a couple and help each other. I know I was buying junk on line etc. and now I know there was another cause. It's like overeating etc there is usually something else that you are not dealing with and it manifests it's self in other forms. I believe everything happens for a reason. Take this as a wake up call and figure out the root of the problem so you can get it resolved.
If you get an urge how about thinking about it for 24 hours first and maybe check in here to discuss. We will help you get over the urge and work towards your goal. Don't give up you can get through this:grouphug:

I think my problem with recovery programs is that I have a bit of social anxiety, and we moved two years ago into a large area where I know absolutely no one! I guess that would be a good way to get to know some really great ppl! Maybe that is the way to go!

WOW...thank all you lovely ladies for your support. I know there is some emotional reason for shopping and I do need to deal with that.

I do already sell on ebay, www.littlebellesnbuckeroos.com (http://www.littlebellesnbuckeroos.com), if I can do that shameless plug for you all. I have about 4 big rubbermaid tubs still to list. And books on half.com as well. I've read Suze Orman, The Millionaire Next Door, David Bach, and now I'm going to delve myself into Dave Ramsay, hopefully with DH's full support. We are devoted to staying debt free (other than our student loans and house) after the bankruptcy is finalized in 2 weeks. Although it is chapter 13 so we will be paying for 3 years and debtors do still get paid, I don't feel so badly.

I guess I am going to go to the local DA meeting and at least see how it goes. I have to ACOA mtgs in the past and since it was a really small town where we were at the time it was not very productive. One on one counseling is another option, in fact it is free through my husbands work for things like this so I'm calling tomorrow. I've been debating all these options for weeks now, and I'm so thankful that you all helped me feel so not alone and make some decisions. I will keep you updated. Toile, I love the idea of being accountable, but do you live in TX; if you are not going to be supportive ;) I don't want you too close if I should fail, the whippin' might hurt!!!!!! Good thing you posted a correction, I was a little worried you all were going to be really mean...I NEED new underwear once in a while!!! LOL

Thanks again,

((((group hugs to all)))))

Its amazing how one typo can mess up a whole picture.
So sorry again LOL.

Last year I was typing a frugal recipe for a group and I made a major typo!

If you look at the key board the D is beside the S...

I was trying to type ADD milk...
Lets just say that a_ _ milk was typed :O

I never caught it until 500 people read it :O
Luckily they joked about trying to find a_ _ milk at the stores hahahah.

Ok getting off topic here.

roflma_ _ o!!!

I think my problem with recovery programs is that I have a bit of social anxiety, and we moved two years ago into a large area where I know absolutely no one! I guess that would be a good way to get to know some really great ppl! Maybe that is the way to go!

Hey, Cathi--I live in San Antonio also! PM me sometime, if you'd like someone "local" to talk to. :hugz:


--Michelle

I am so sorry to hear this for you. It is really difficult. I have had to deal with a similar shopping issue. I managed to get ahold of it through a lot of hard work and meditation but I do slip sometimes. I had to give my bank card to a friend and only spend when she gave me the card. It sounds ridiculous but eery time I wanted to buy something she would ask me "Why?
If the answer wasn't good enough she kept my bank card.

Finally there came the day when it just didn't seem that important. I had found other things to fill my needs (I read and craft a lot). I still backslide but this problem isone that can be overcome. I don't think you can do it alone though. It is really important that you do NOT have access to money - the bank account, cash or credit cards. Until you cross that line in your mind, youwill continue to do this.

Very best of luck to you.

Thanks Karen,
DH and I have discussed this and I actually have been going to give him mine. We cut up all the cc's with the bankruptcy so those are not an issue, but we do have debit cards and I'm the one who handles ALL the bills. It is so daunting sometimes. I hate having access because I KNOW it's a problem but he has never realized before how much a problem it has been until now. I think we are definately on the right track. I do agree I shouldn't have access without anyone knowing about it. We talked about having our own "blow" money of about $20-30 a week that we don't have to account to anyone for and maybe that would work well. I wouldn't be totally deprived but still the budget wouldn't suffer either.

I am going to follow through on all of the recommendations. In fact I looked up the DA meetings here in town and they are on Sunday's so I will pop over there next weekend.

You all have been soooo helpful and I feel so much better. I was feeling so alone and now I feel like I'm not the only one and it's not just me that faces such overwhelming issues.

Hi Cathi

I haven't posted here in a long while, but read your post and felt like I needed to post to it.

I have been exactly where you are right now, and still struggling to get back on our feet. We filed bankruptcy 2 years ago. It takes so long to get things evened out.

I loved, loved, loved (and still do) to shop. It filled some kind of empty spot in me - for awhile. I never bought outlandish or expensive things. Seems like I was searching for bargain clothes, or things to "feather my nest". Goodwill, Walmart, ebay etc.....

Even after the bankruptcy it was hard. My personal experience was that even as hard as bankruptcy was, it didn't make me change overnight. I mean, if DH & I both didn't have trouble with money we wouldn't have gotten to the point of bankruptcy in the first place. As humiliating as the experience was, not spending was still a battle.

It has taken me 2 years and a lot of struggle to change my focus. I always viewed my shopping as "saving money" because I was getting bargains. But now I know that spending is spending even if it is a good deal. And, when you are eyeball deep in debt, you eventually get numb - what's another $10 here and there?

We are a one income family, with a mortgage and 2 daughters. DH works hard and makes a nice income, but it is tight every month. I kept trying to find ways to make money, a little job here or there - but knew I was supposed to be a SAHM, and was never comfortable in the PT jobs. My focus had to change.

Now I spend my days looking for ways to reduce our expenses. I never thought little things could make a difference - like turning the thermostat down 2 degrees or washing in cold. But every little bit helps.

There are still plenty of times I go online and have a cart with things in it ready to buy. But somewhere, somehow something clicked, and now before I hit that submit button, I stop and think about what this is really going to cost in the long run.

I have made it a game to see if I can come up with creative solutions. For example, I made my girls dolls clothes from remnants I had and .99 sale patterns for Christmas. I had to hem DD#1 2 pairs of jeans the other day, and I used to cut of legs to make denim skirts for their American Girl dolls.

Now that might not be up your alley, but other things could be. For example, I am almost out of coffee. No money to spend on coffee this month. So, it is tea for me until that is gone and then water. Not my first choice, but it is saving me money.

I had to get my girls to change their focus as well. I mean, I was, and am still, a sucker for girls clothes and Littlest Pet shop toys. But, at first I made the mistake of telling the girls "we can't afford it". Then my youngest kindly told her Kindergarten teacher we didn't have any food in our house and we were poor. Ooops!

So, now my tack when they tell me so & so got this or that is - "That's great for them, but we choose not to spend our money that way." Something that really brought it home to them was comparing not going to McDs to a trip to Disneyworld. They are dying to go. So, now, everytime they ask, I ask them how much it costs to go to McD's. Then we figure out how much we could save if we didn't go - and how that adds up to their dream vacation.

It helps me to think in these terms too. I mean, finding yarn on sale for $1 a skein is something I can hardly bear to pass by. But, 10 skeins of yarn for my stash is $10 I could use for something else - or put into savings.

Sorry, I didn't mean to ramble on and on...I am a long way from perfect. I fall a lot! But, I will be glad to be a listening ear if you need it.

First and foremost, thank you for opening up and sharing. I know it's a hard subject. I appreciate your honesty and empathy! I am starting to do the things mentioned. In fact the heat is down to 68, and everyone is complaining their hands are freezing, I told them to put them in their pockets! My husband walks around in short sleeves so he needs to get used to wearing long sleeves!

And as far as cutting costs with the kids this year, my 3 yr olds christmas was off of Craigslist, he got a gorgeous kitchen for $25, and ebay where I got him a star station for $10, but he doesn't seem to like the star station so that might go back up for sale ;)...then I hit the dollar store for coloring books, so he was cheap...I even made his holiday overalls, and am thinking about making some boutique overalls to sell on ebay. I'm on disability so can't work but could do something like that on my own terms. I made all the nieces and nephews name pillows for christmas this year instead of buying toys so we saved a ton there since there are 7 of them! My only problem is my 13 year old. He has been away visiting his father and is coming home today. We haven't gotten his Christmas gift yet and he wants and XBOX 360. We're going to sit him down and really talk with him about how things are and make him take partial responsibility for it's purchase if that is what he really wants, because we just can't budget it. You make sense saying not to say we have no money to kids...they will tell ppl that and before you know it you might have ppl bringing food baskets or something! lol

Thanks so much for your input...i'd love to chat occasionally about how to deal with things..pm me

I'm happy to read that you're going to try DA on Sunday.

It is difficult to change unhealthy behaviors without facing the root causes of the behavior.

I am not a shopaholic, but overeat when stressed. I reach for food in the same way an alcoholic reaches for a drink (alcoholism runs in my family). I say this because I realized a while back that I should attend overeater's anonomous to get to the root causes, but have been chicken.

You have inspired me to do it. All the best to you on Sunday!!!

And I think it is totally ok to let a 13 year old know you do not have the funds to purchase a several hundred dollar gift for him. He does not need to know all the specifics, but that is an expensive item!


Toile -- you made me laugh, but I like the idea you had about an accountability group. In your first post, I just thought "Geez - she really means it - we'll really be held accountable"!

I think it is great you have faced your situation , are trying and getting your son in on some of it so you don't feel the pressure to buy him something you can't afford. The first step is the hardest and you have done that. Good job. Blessings to you and we are here for you . Welcome to the Village and I am glad you joined and are getting support you need.

Hugs,

Angel

Thanks Angel,
All in all things are going well. Just a little update... We told my DS that we couldn't do his expected christmas gift, and he countered with an offer of paying for most of it himself, which we are working on (he received a lot of christmas money which he wants to put toward the game, and then sell some of his older stuff as well to declutter and still have some money left over) So anyway, it has been a bit of a transition getting him back in "mommy mode" after being gone for 3 weeks but he's getting there. Anyone with a broken family can identify I'm sure! Back to school tomorrow and that will help with the routine as well! YAY for me!!! I've been really busy selling on ebay and haven't had much time to be on here over the weekend because I was so busy there and with some plans to expand a bit. I've got a ton to do but there is only one me!

I just really really want to take a moment and thank all of you who responded. It meant a lot to me. It's easy to get caught up in our own lives and read someone elses story and say "geeze, how rough" but not respond, you all respond with helpful and supportive ways. I will never forget that. Thank you.

On the bankruptcy note; that is going to court on the 16th (prayers appreciated here) ;) , and then we should be done with that and I can busy myself with becoming successful in all areas of my life! I have been shopping, a couple small trips and gone overboard with "bargains", so I did what someone here suggested, and now my husband and older son are in charge of shopping for the time being. I will work into that once I feel I can be stronger. As long as they can and will do it for me, the better. I have chronic pain anyway, it's better for them to be wandering around aimlessly in a store than me!

Thanks again, and bless all you lovely ladies!

We're not to the bankrupcy but I can definitly relate to the shopaholic. I buy things and then decide I don't want them. We really can't afford for me to do this so this thread has helped me also. Thank God for frugal women willing to share.:thanx:

I love to bargain shop as well. Really the only thing I can do is go for a walk or find something else to do to get me away from the computer. I also keep in mind that the REAL bargain is when I don't buy ANYTHING! Now THAT is a savings!
Good luck!