I got the mail yesterday and found a credit card bill for 6800.00 I didn't know existed. I didn't know it existed because it was hidden from me by my husband.

I am so stupid. How could I not know?

While I was at work 12 hours a day he was gambling. He charged at the casino.

I also found out that he cashed in a 1000.00 CD and 1000.00 is missing from savings.

I was so busy clipping coupons, watching sales and working all I could to get us out of debt, he knew this, he agreed to this and he snuck around and spent money we didn't have. He encouraged me, we had numerous discussions about eliminating debt.

I thought we had 4000.00 in debt on the cars. I thought everything else was paid. When the cars were done I was going to finish paying off the student loan. The house was next.

We fought for hours. He looked and acted relieved, now I knew. The one reason he is living in this home right now is he is banned from going to the casinos. He has agreed to a weekly allowance, agreed to not even go to the bank and he will do no shopping. His compulsive behavior extended to shopping trips. He also agreed to getting a second job. The other reason he is living in this home right now is I need his income to pay off this debt. The very last reason he is living here is I do love him. Love shouldn't be the last thing but right now it is.

How could I be so stupid?

I have asked him to go to counseling, he doesn't think he has a problem. At this point I know I can no longer trust him with money at all and his only access to money is through me. He has been told I will file for divorce if he breaks our agreement, he knows I mean it. I am probably lucky I did catch this early, before it went into the tens of thousands.

I worked so hard and now it seems like it was for nothing. I can't stop crying.
his behaviour may change for awhile but without counseling I don't think it will last.

I know this post seems jumbled I just can't stop crying. I don't know what more to do. What else do I do?

*hugs* You've done all you can. Now he either needs to shape up or you'll have to make some tough decisions. The scariest part of your post is that he doesn't think he has a problem. That would make me worry he'll go right back to it, but I hope he doesn't.

I hope things settle down!!!

*hugs*

Julie, I don't know what to say to make you feel better. Maybe you found out so you can really be on your way to debt free. I am a keeper of sayings;
I the Lord leads you to it, He'll get you through it! Thoughts and prayers are coming you way.

I am so sorry for you.
First off make sure your name is on no credit cards with his name.
Make bank account yours only ( or sorry he will be taking it out again )
Make all CD's your name only so he can't touch it again.
Time for Tough Love and Protect yourself.
If he won't go to counseling then your only going to go through worse.
JMHO
Will be Praying for you...

I am so sorry you are going through this. Miranda is right, if he does not think he has a problem then there is nothing you can do to change him. Gambling is just like using drugs, drinking or any other addiction. The only thing you can do right now is take care of yourself. Even if he won't go to counseling, you need to. And I highly suggest going to Al-Anon. It is not just for those who have loved ones who drink, rather anyone with some type of addiction. It is learning about how to change your response and reaction, since it is the only thing you can change. Also, you can try maybe getting a number to a gambling hotline and giving it to him, although I am not sure he would follow through at least you did what you could do. I would also think about getting separate checking accounts. HTH. ((HUGS)). PM me if you need me, I have been though a similar situation too.

IF the Lord leads you to it ,He;ll get you through it!
It figures the one time I don't preview it I'd mess it up!
Sorry, Julie

(((hugs))) I know you must be feeling horribly let down. My father in law lost their home because of compulsive gambling. The only thing that MIL could do was totally take over their finances. I have an uncle that had a gambling problem many years ago...he did overcome that problem so it is not a lost cause.

I'm sorry to hear this. I have known a person who had themself banned from the casino so even if they did go in, they would be escorted out. He may want to look into that.

I really think you should insist on a counseling before you two go forward. Do what you can to stay afloat and think of possibly having to do this without him. I don't mean to sound so hard - but he may not get better without help and he will leave you in the :poop:. I am so sorry you are having to face all of this on your own. Rally your friends and family to help support you through this - even if it means that you have to tell them what is really going on. You are in my thoughts and I am sending you good vibe and hugs :cheerup:
Dianne

Oh Julie, I am so sorry you have to deal with this. I can't pretend to know what you are going through, but I wish you didn't have to go through it.

I would also remove his name from your bank accounts, your credit cards, c.ds, savings, kids savings, etc. I would also put an alert on your credit bureau that requires verification by you before any additional credit is extended. Cover all your bases babe. It's not being mean or evil, it's self-preservation.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I think you should add another condition for him remaining in the home and that is that he attend Gamblers Anonymous meetings.

Oh, and if you ever decide to leave him this debt is HIS and not yours. You are not responsible for his debts.

Cut up all credit cards.

The others have addressed those areas well, here's what I have to address:

DO NOT KICK YOURSELF OVER THIS! I've talked about things like this with hubby because we've seen people do this often. We know of one woman that racked up over $200,000 without her husbands knowledge, it is easily done.

Heck, I COULD EASILY DO IT HERE and hubby wouldn't have a clue!

Hold your head up and hold him to his promises or stick to your guns on your threats, it's your future on the line.

Compulsive/addictive personalities can be a pain to deal with, I know, I have one, luckily I've channeled it to the good.

Hugs, head up and know you have LOTS of shoulders here for you.

kj

I am so sorry you are going through this. I think you should add another condition for him remaining in the home and that is that he attend Gamblers Anonymous meetings.

Oh, and if you ever decide to leave him this debt is HIS and not yours. You are not responsible for his debts.

Cut up all credit cards.

Some states are joint debt, joint assets states. Which really sucks in situations like these.

There is a stupid one in the relationship but it's not you. Put everything in your name. If he doesn't think he has a problem then he will do it again. Gambling is an addiction. I had an alcoholic ex that would say he wouldn't touch another drink again, that I mean more than alcohol. Well guess what, that lasted about a day or two and then he'd be right back at it but just trying to cover his tracks better. I suspect gambling would be the same way. The high is hard to give up. Until he's ready to get real therapy for it I'd stay on constant gaurd. I hate to paint such an unflattering picture but you have to take care of you and yours.

I am so sorry also.. But I think you should do what is mentioned above.. changing everything to your name. Not just for your own peace and safety, but for his also. The Al-non is good too. I pray that you will be strong.
Keep us posted.. And wipe up those tears and keep focused. You do what you can and protect yourself.

I'm sorry you're going through a rough time, but I'm glad we can be of some support to you; we're a group of caring ladies you can vent to..:grouphug:

You seem to be very focused on taking charge of the situation your husband has placed you both in and that focus (even if it's a tough love one) is intelligent. Pride yourself on that. Stay firm with your directives and do set up a security fund for yourself if God forbid you need it. Securing that he comes to you for money is a terrific plan.

Here's praying that he will see his addiction as a serious threat to his well-being and yours and that you're marriage can get back on track and be healed from his secret that is now out. I'm happy for you that your debt isn't worse than it is. It could have been well into the thousands! Keep working your frugal plan and stay positive.:hug2:

Blessings!

Oh you poor thing. I will keep you in my thoughs & prayers. Just remind yourself, you are doing such a awesome job paying off debt.

Bless your heart. Maybe you will be able to convince him to go to Gamblers Annonymous or to Al-Anon. He does need some help. (((HUGS)))

I am so sorry....may the Lord guide you in the decisions you need to make.

Oh I am so sorry sweetie. I had a terrible secret sprung on me in my first marriage too. It wasn't gambling, but involved large amounts of money and dangerous behavior so I really do feel for you.

If he won't go to counseling you get yourself there -- pronto. Go without him. You are going to need someone to help you sort this out. There may be legal or financial professionals you will need to consult with later but a good counselor should be able to help you with that.

I don't know if gamblers annonymous has a group for family members like AA does, but I would check it out. My state has a gamblers help line -- if there is one in your area they might be able to direct you to help for YOU.

He's not going to stop until he has to start dealing with the conscequences of his behavior himself and it usually has to get really bad. So you may have to get tough honey. Stay strong, God Bless and please go get help for yourself.

I agree with the other ladies, I would go to the bank today and close the accounts and re open them in your name only. They can work with you on this. I'll be thinking of you.

Never had to deal with a gambling addiction, but I've had plenty of loved ones with other addictions. :hug2:

Another thing you might want to be careful of is online gambling. I don't have a clue as to how to go about blocking such sites or being able to check the history to see if he's been accessing them, but just something you need to be aware of.

If you have life insurance policies that have cash value, make sure he can't/hasn't gotten his hands on those. Also, check his check stubs to make sure he's not siphoning some money off the top.

It's difficult enough handling the debts that you know you have without this. I'm familular with gambling addition. Not that I have one, but I used to work in a casino and have seen it. At one time, a women sat at a slot machine for 3 days without leaving her seat to eat or use the restroom. The casino that I worked at offered free counseling for people like her. We even had employees that stole from the casino to gamble.

My prayers and thoughts are with you.

Thanks to everyone, I really needed to read all of your support.

I am done crying now. Time to take care of business.

He is banned from the casino, he now has no access to money. My state this debt is joint debt. I am responsible. I also make more money, if I don't pay they will go after me.

So far his attitude is contrite and "I did wrong" and "I don't want to lose you". We'll see how long that will last.

My insurance will pay for counseling. He doesn't want to go. I am considering just going by myself.

He has asked me to let him know how his money is being spent and what is being paid off. I wanted to hit him but I didn't. I just said that I will do what is nessecary and things will be very tight around here. Right now that is the best I have to give.

I am considering taking a non secured loan to lower the interest rate. I have never done this before but my credit scores are very good. I guess I am afraid to because there may be more out there I don't know about yet. Perhaps I should run a credit report.

Maybe I am too emotional right now to decide. Time may be wisest right now.

But I am done crying now. After I wrote the last post I was able to sleep for a bit and feel a whole lot better.

I don't know any of you but you all mean the world to me. Thank you.

Hugs again, you'll be just fine, and you're a better woman than I, I woulda smacked the taste out of his mouth for asking for accountability for "his" money!!!!

I'd personally DEMAND he go to counseling, insurance covers it, he NEEDS it.

And if you need let us know, maybe one of us is close enough to DRAG HIS BUTT IN THERE FOR YOU!! :)

hugs again,
kj

Julie,

First off I am really sorry for all this as the others have said it's a hard road.

Next, that being said I think you should do an end run to cover yourself....since you are in a state that is community property, maybe you should run that credit report, (just to make sure there are no more surprises). Then go to a lawyer and have a contract drawn up that says that that dept is his and how it was made, make him sign it and then if things don't work out the way you want them to you are covered in a divorce.

Also, like the others have said get your name off anything that is connected to him......unfortunatly you are now a jailer, policeman, and PI all in one.....

Good Luck,
leezza

I'm so sorry Julie, betrayal of any kind hurts and hurts bad. Perfectly understandable for you to run through all kinds of emotions as this settles in and you work towards fixing what you want/need to.
Mr. "I have no problem" has a big problem, if he didn't have one, wtf is all this crap? He's lied & he's stolen. You do what's right for you but one of my stipulations besides all you are doing is for him to definitely get into a program of some sort. I wouldn't care if he feels like a fool or embarrassed or whatever his excuse is. There are a lot of things you didn't want and are now having to deal with. Time for Mr. Big Spender to just deal with it & get his butt to counseling.
Again, I am so sorry.

Julie,

I am so sorry and sending thoughts and prayers your way. You have gotten some great advice and support, so just wanted to add hugs. Keep us updated we are here for you. I agree with the others put an alert on your credit , get a credit watching service, get the accounts in your name only.

Angel

Just wanted to add get a credit reporting service and have it come to your email only then you log onto their secure https site and can get your report. You can also get it by snail mail . With the new features they will now let you know if you ssn is used on the net etc. Also get a full credit report so you know if there is any more you don't know about.

:hugz: I hope you are able to work through all of this!!

Tell him he gets a full accounting of where his money Is being spent, if and only if he goes to counseling.

Meant to add that he is in NO position to make demands upon you.

I am so sorry sweetheart. My heart is aching for you.
You are getting wonderful advice and support in this
thread. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
You seem to have it all together and that makes me
believe that you will come through this as painful
as it is. Hang in there.

I am so sorry to hear what happened. May I make a suggestion? I worked at a large credit card company and have heard this story before. You should remove his name from the credit cards. Call the companies right away. If his name is on the card he can call them and have another one mailed- even if he is not the primary card holder. You can also have a password added to your account that only you know so he can't get any information. That might seem drastic, but like you said without counseling he may do this again. It is an addiction.:weeping:

I'm sorry, I know how this is. My mom has a horrible gambling addiction she won't really deal with. My sister and I are often worried she may wind up homeless.

The hardest part of this whole thing will letting him fall on his butt and deal with the consequences of his actions. Everyone here has given great advice and you should follow it. This is an addiction. The person who works in the casino is not making up her story about the woman who wouldn't leave. Some people wear depends when they gamble so they won't have to leave their "hot machine". Unfortuanately he is going to gamble and his is going to lie to you again if he won't seek treatment. It's just going to happen. It doesn't make you bad or even him bad. It's just the nature of addiction.

I spoke with counselors at our state's gambling treatment program and they told me the only way to ensure there is no more gambling is for the addict to have no money period. He advised mom to let us open a checking account without her name on it and direct deposit her check there after which we would pay her bills, go shopping with her etc. Of course she didn't agree even though we were willing. You will have to do this even if he doesn't agree.

I would do everything the people here have advised and not let him put any of it off. Absolutely freeze your credit if you can and visit that lawyer for a "mid numptual". I might cost a couple hundred dollars but that will more than pay for its self when he falls off the wagon and trys to use your credit to increase the debt load. I might also wake him up a bit and help him realize how deadly serious this is. Remove his name from everything you possibly can, maybe even the house. What is to stop him from getting a equity loan without your knowing?

Absolutely go to counseling yourself. Addicts by their nature bring chaos with them and the stress will be very great. He's good now but it will only be a little while before he begins to resent the money lock down and tries to take it out on you or manipulate you into caving. Having a counselor who you can talk, who will back you up and help you disern what is addictive behavior and how to deal with it is vital. The will also help you learn to stand your ground, which is vital with addicts.

I am so sorry you have to deal with this. I will be praying for you and your family.

Christine

I am so sorry this happened to you, but I am glad you found out when you did. With credit card limits sometimes sky high, the damage could be worse financially.

However, you are also damaged emotionally by what can only be seen as a betrayal. I would feel the same way.

He is in denial if he thinks he does not have a problem. Gambling is an addiction - just like drugs and alcohol. He needs help. If he will not go to an inpatient care facility, then you should insist that he attend Gamblers Anonymous. You can even go with him for support and to make sure he attends.

Just another thing to add - I had a boyfriend that had an additiction and he went to one of those title loan places and got money on the title of his truck - ended up losing the truck.
Hugs!

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}


Did not read all the replies yet, but my two cents:


Addiction is addiction. He will need help.

Is he lying about anything else?

Freeze your credit. Protect yourself.

There is nothing to stop him from applying for more cc's.



{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I'm so sorry. Sending (((hugs))) and prayers for you guys to work this out together in a good way.

You've been given some good advice by other Villagers. Just wanted to say I'm sorry you're having to deal with this heartbreaking situation. Sending hugs your way! :hug:

Dixie Jean

I'm so sorry......... Hugs.

Hugs to you. The others have offered great advice. Protect yourself financially, protect your relationship even if it means taking charge and requiring counseling. It will probably be a one day at a time type of situation. Prayers to you for strength and compassion, you have some tough love to provide.

His name is not on the house. I owned the house prior to our marriage and I never changed that. I would think he can't get a home equity loan without my signature. If he wants to lose his car, well it is his to lose, I don't care. My car is in my name only. Come to think of it. I think my name is on his car too. I don't think he can get a title loan without my signature.

His name is off of all credit cards and off of checking and savings. I have my own private savings and his name was never on that. His check is direct deposit and it goes to a checking account his name is not on. He did agree to that and everything is set up. He, of course can change that, but then he knows we will be divorced and he will have to leave.

I found no other debt other than the credit card and the missing 2000.00.

I would think for him to get a personal loan he would need my signature. Our bank is aware of the problem and have been most helpful to me. I don't think they would give him a loan.

Tonight I am going to contact his brother. He and his brother go gambling together. I think I will make his brother aware without placing blame on him. My husband is responsible for his own actions. It's funny his family always let it be known they thought I was such a bitch. They have no idea how bad this bitch can be. Damn proud of it too!

He is looking for a second job to pay this off. He continues to refuse counseling. I have been too busy being 'detective' to pursue the counseling issue or the attorney.

I do want to salvage this marraige, but I look at this year end statement of all the charges. My birthday is on Feb 13, last year we decided nothing would be spent on my birthday and we would put that money on debt. On this statement it says he went gambling on Feb. 14 and charged 200.00. I didn't even get a birthday card. I am doubting anything can be salvaged and consider this a business relationship, he is here to pay this mess off. Maybe when the hurt dies down a bit I will feel differently. Right now I just don't care. He can pay this mess off.

Can you tell I am no longer crying? I am just mad as hell.

Oh Julie - It sucks when you find out someone's been deceiving you! I've been there too many times.
I'm glad you have your things in good control.
:grouphug2

sry ur goin through this. my uncle has a gambling problem also. he is seperated from his wife. he complains to us that he never has any money. i keep hearing from my mom that hes behind in child support and his rent to her (he lives with us at my mom's place). like others have said get to a lawyer and both of u into counciling. after u have gone to the lawyer and he doesnt go into counciling then divorce him. sry if it sounds harsh but without the counciling he will do it again and keep promising to go but never go.

First off, you are not stupid! I understand loving him too, I'm married to a recovering addict and I decided to stand by him with a lot of boundaries in place.

Secondly, don't make counseling an option for him, he needs to go to G. A. or find a Celebrate Recovery group. You need to go to counseling as well. My dh knows that no accountability group or recovery group, no married life. Sometimes they have to be jolted into taking those steps.

Thirdly, seal up every account he can get into and him getting a second job is a perfect idea.

Fourth, don't make yourself crazy over his behaviour! Easy to say, hard to do, but don't get involved with his craziness. Addicts can really suck you in!

I've got you on my prayer list and I pray that you can both find healing and recovery together!

When my husband came clean, the first time, there were several more times after that....anyway I just told him we're going to counseling so we either go to get this fixed or I go alone to figure out how to move on without you. That remains in effect 11 years later. He has to remain in recovery.

I'm so sorry. Don't back down, you are right. I have seen this happen over and over-it always seems to be this wife sneaking around and maxing out hidden cards. Guess it goes both ways. Let him work two jobs, overtime, clip coupons, do without.

I am so sorry that you are going through this whole thing. I was not surprised to read that the family that gambles with him considers you a 'bitch'. Oftentimes, those with addictions look to family & friends who don't share the addictions as goody two shoes/pains in the neck. I think it is because they think you are judging them since they judge themselves so harshly (which pushes them further into addiction).

You cannot fix him - he needs to admit his problems to himself and work hard for the rest of his life to stay away from gambling.

It sounds like you are in the right frame of mind to protect yourself.

I wish you the best of luck, and my prayers are with you.

I am sure every bit of advise has been covered by all above me. I just wanted to say that as with anyone dealing with another's addiction, you really need to take good care of you! Join a group for codependancy if one is offered near you. It could be a huge help. Make sure you have a support system. You know you have us!

What an awful situation to endure, after all your hard work too. Sending strength and positive thoughs your way. You should definitely seek help for YOURSELF; I'm afraid there are probably a LOT of lawyers and therapists that know about gambling addictions.

:cheerup:

I hate to say it but double check on the credit and equity lines. My husband opened one and I know I didn't sign for it. I myself have an addictive personality, I tend to go overboard. I won a lot of money but didn't keep receipts and had to pay a lot of back tax. I didn't want to tell my husband about my winnings and the fact that I won money and played it back. I was lucky in the fact I limited my losses to $300. per trip. The hotel and the food averaged about 700 per trip and was all comped. I maybe lost one time out of a year, but I can see how people could easily get sucked in and think they are going to win it back. I have also bought many properties and investments behind my husbands back. I hate to say it but sometimes if the person is so inflexible you just stop listening to them. I was wanting to invest and my husband wasn't interested. My investments have mostly made money but I have had some bombs in there. I have told him about most of them.He was upset until he realized that a piece of land we owned that he let go for back taxes that I redeemed and is now worth 40k or more and another 40 acres of land has went up from 1k per acre and is now worth 300k or more. I am in the process of fixing up the houses to replace my income, so I can quit with money. I opened my own company so I wouldn't have to have him sign. Some of the spending is also a payback for having no control and having a spouse that always have to have it their way. I feel I have zero feedback on what happens in the house. He picks the furniture,etc a 5k tv I feel if I make good money I should be able to spend it any way I want to , since I put no checks on him, I expect the same back.So maybe counseling should be done in case he is angry about something and is lashing out in a backward way. Check for PO boxes and go to the court and get that debt thing to keep you and your house safe and check your credit report. He could have things sent to relatives. I did..

I don't even know what to say other than what has already been said and that is I'm so sorry. I don't blane you in your actions I have to say I would do the same. *big hugs sweetie

Julie, your story reminds me so much of what my aunt went through with my uncle about 10 years ago. They had been married about 30 years and had moved to Las Vegas when his company transferred him. She told us recently about it all and how she would receive bills in the mail for cc's she had no idea he had opened and would ask, "Tell me the truth...is this the last one?" At which he would tell her, "I promise, it is." The next day another bill from another previously unknown opened account would arrive. Eventually, they divorced. She loved him, but couldn't live with his lies and addiction. She is still digging herself out of the financial hole he created and they were divorced about 7 years ago. He passed away about 5 years ago.

Interestingly enough, his family, whom she had been very close to all those years, also considered her a bitch for divorcing him, even though they knew what was going on. My uncle was a sweet, wonderful man. But he was also an addict who didn't try to get the help he needed. Do what you ned to do to take care of yourself. We are all here for you. ((Hugs)). You're doing the right thing.


--Michelle

You sound like a good strong woman.

Go to Al-Anon. Stand firm.

Blessings and power to you.

I am so very sorry. When we discover something terrible about someone we love it is an awful blow.

I hate the advice I have given you but this is from someone, who 5 years after a divorce is still getting calls from crediotros regarding her ex - protect ourself financially. Spend the money to go see either a lawyer or accountant and get professional advice on how to handle money and accounts at this point. This doesn't mean you aren't going o try to work things out, but it means if you aren't able to you won't get screwed.

I am really sorry for your terrible news, Julie. My thoughts are with you.

Some states are joint debt, joint assets states. Which really sucks in situations like these.

I haven't taken the time to read the whole 6 pages...but got to this post. I was in that situation...be very, very careful. In New Jersey, we do not have a separation(too many people were "separating" but still being "together", just to protect assets)...it's divorce or "deal with it". I chose to "deal with it" and have paperwork(signed by both of us) that says I am not responsible for any debts after dateXX.
In many states, *IF* you choose to stay married, it's a tacit agreement to keep things joint. A judge might have some sympathy if you found out about the debt and immediately filed....but to KNOW about the problem and not do anything about it, is the same as saying it's a risk you're willing to take. It's a horrible place to be...marriage is not to be taken lightly and is a big commitment, and you are forced to take action over MONEY(and trust me, you will hear how you loved money more than him).
I'll pray for you, honey...pm me if you want to talk. I've been blessed..the devastation to the finances was undiagnosed bipolar disorder(well, undx. by the doctors, *I* was begging them to listen to me), and medication and accountability has stopped that....but the damage was already done.

Just wanted to give you a big hug. Sorry you are going though this.

((((((HUHS)))))) I'm so sorry you are going through this. I grew up in a house with a gambler. There is no seeing reason for them. It sounds like you've taken the first steps to protecting yourself. I do agree with some of the others that have suggested going to a lawyer and having something written up though to protect yourself from being responsible for future issues. Keeping you in my thoughts.....and sending lots more ((((((hugs)))))))

:hug2::hug2::hug2:

Wow, I'm so sorry to hear that. Sounds like it is a problem. Hopefully it's in the past, and was a problem.

If it was me I would cut back on trying to pay off my debt and start stocking some cash somewhere dh didn't know about. A shoe perhaps lol?

The truth is you need security. If it all goes to hell in a bread basket you need good cash money!

If you end up divorced and things get divied up you can have the money to start paying off your part of the debt as well as living money.

This is the time to be smart.

I wouldn't bust my hump trying to pay off (example )$20000 in debt and get $10000 paid just to get stuck with half of the $10000!

Why is this all about you having to suffer and get things paid while your dh adds to the debt?

CASH for YOU now.

I am not saying not to work on paying off debt!!!! I would NEVER say that!!!! Pay off debt, maybe a little slower.

I hope you can find trust in your dh again and that the resentments you will feel lessen. It is hard to live with a man you don't respect or trust.

Good luck!

Julie, I have not even looked at the other responses because I want to get this out fast. I have a family member who went through something like this - and unfortunately it can get worse. You need to change the bank accounts and savings accounts to where he CANNOT withdraw funds, not just rely on his honor. This reeks of a gambling addiction, and (as with other addictions) it is not something someone can just decide to control and quit doing it. I'm not saying throw him out, I understand loving someone, but for the sake of your kids, and your self, and even for him, you need to have him in a position where he CANNOT get to your operating funds so that you CAN pay the bills. Also, you might want to check with a lawyer about any way to remove yourself from liability for any new debts he might incur, such as new cc applications - some states have that.

Wow. I'm so sorry.

You have done all of the right things.

You have to be ready to mean it about divorce with a slip-up, and it sounds like you do.

One more thing--it is none of my biz, but I would say DON'T bring children into this marriage as yet, till all things are better for a long time. Kids'll make ya stay with someone you shouldn't for longer than you should sometimes.

Praying for your dh and his addiction --and for YOU, especially.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I, too, would change all bank accounts, etc. If he wants help, then he won't oppose. Truth is, gambling can be an addiction, so you need to nip in the bud asap. It's never that easy, but getting started soon, is best. I will keep you and your husband in my prayers.

I am soooo sorry and I am sending hugs your way and good thoughts/prayers.

You've been here before and you will get out of this mess again, believe me you will! :hugz:

I agree with everyone else about protecting yourself and going to therapy. My sister is married to an addict and believe me he may initially stop gambling but the behavior will return if he does not get help. Sending up a prayer for you!!!:drama:

I am so sorry this is happening. I haven't read all of the responses, but I think Holly had good advice. Do whatever it takes to get those accounts to be inaccessible to him. The fact that he doesn't think he has a problem is such a red flag.

We will be praying for your family. Difficulty creates strenght.

Just want to agree with everyone else and add one big thing: even if he WON'T go to counseling (and I wouldn't quit pushing him to go) you need to go for YOU. You are the most important person in this equation right now and you are going to need an unbiased party to talk to, to listen to, and to give you advice on things. With you insurance willing to pay for counseling, I would check into joint counseling between the two of you AS WELL AS private counseling for you (and maybe him if he'd agree eventually) because this is going to bring issues onto you that you don't deserve. Take care of YOU first and foremost . . . stay safe, protected, and SANE.

God bless you, I'll be praying for you both.

Remember, gals named Julie are made of some stern stuff :fight: and you'll draw on that strength to make it through this.

~Julie~

Oh Julie, I'm so sorry you're going through this. :( We're all here for ya... Wanted to send you a whole bunch of hugs!! :hugz:

I wanted to thank you all again for the support you gave me during this. You will never know how much I appreciate it.

I also wanted to give an update on this whole situation. Dh has agreed to go to counseling for this addiction. He has gotten a second job to pay this credit card bill. We are talking now instead of screaming at each other.

I still have to self-protect. His name is not on anything. His only access to money is if I give it to him. We even had his name taken off of his car, at his suggestion. I have to give the guy credit he seems to be really trying. I pray it continues.

It is my hope that with counseling he will be able to handle money again.

The bad news is I found another 400.00 missing. It was written as bad checks. I scrambled to cover them by cashing in some savings bonds I had. I felt I had to because my name is on that checking account too. I was also able to take his paycheck and put a chunk of it on the car loan. I still have my EF fund. I think I can do this, I should probably say we can do this because I have not been holding back on the reality of this situation. He wanted to know where his money is going. I have been giving his a full reality dose. No more denial.

So I haven't filed for divorce yet, but I can't begin to tell you how much I wanted to. I don't know what hurt more, the money or the sneaking around and lying. Gambling became the other woman, taker of our financial peace and shook this home to it's foundation.

Maybe, in the end this will be a good thing that happened. It certainly plunged me into hardcore frugality and he is clipping coupons, turning down the heat and turning off lights right along side of me.

All of you kept me sane. Thank you again.

Julie

:hugz: Well it does sound like he's trying. Maybe with counselling and really hard work things can turn around for you both. I'm thinking really good thoughts for you Julie.

I wanted to thank you all again for the support you gave me during this. You will never know how much I appreciate it.

I also wanted to give an update on this whole situation. Dh has agreed to go to counseling for this addiction. He has gotten a second job to pay this credit card bill. We are talking now instead of screaming at each other.

I still have to self-protect. His name is not on anything. His only access to money is if I give it to him. We even had his name taken off of his car, at his suggestion. I have to give the guy credit he seems to be really trying. I pray it continues.

It is my hope that with counseling he will be able to handle money again.

The bad news is I found another 400.00 missing. It was written as bad checks. I scrambled to cover them by cashing in some savings bonds I had. I felt I had to because my name is on that checking account too. I was also able to take his paycheck and put a chunk of it on the car loan. I still have my EF fund. I think I can do this, I should probably say we can do this because I have not been holding back on the reality of this situation. He wanted to know where his money is going. I have been giving his a full reality dose. No more denial.

So I haven't filed for divorce yet, but I can't begin to tell you how much I wanted to. I don't know what hurt more, the money or the sneaking around and lying. Gambling became the other woman, taker of our financial peace and shook this home to it's foundation.

Maybe, in the end this will be a good thing that happened. It certainly plunged me into hardcore frugality and he is clipping coupons, turning down the heat and turning off lights right along side of me.

All of you kept me sane. Thank you again.

Julie:grouphug2 I will continue to pray and think of you and hope everything works out. You are very strong even if you don't feel it right now, though, I hope you do. You are an inspiration being able to take control of the situation so quickly.

Julie,

Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking and praying for you. Hugs.

Angel

I am glad that things are getting somewhat better. Just another tidbit of advice: you cannot change someone, they have to change themselves.You are the oinly person in charge of yourself. You seemed to have done the right things with the $$ I just wonder how long it will last with him having no control whatsoever of $$ and this may seemto be of his life too. It's still all new to him being found out, another job, doing whatever you want him too because he is scared of you leaving him etc., what will happen ina few weeks or a month ?? I am not sure if it will work. I hope it does for both of your sakes. Maybe you should ask the counselor or sgo to gamlers anonymous yourself to get answers and some understanding of the addiction. They also have a support group for families of gamlers, maybe you could get some insight about how to handle the money etc. You definitely need to keep your $$ separate just in case,. Good luck

Julie,

Just wondering how things are going still? If you feel like it would you give us an update? If not, I totally understand. You're still in our thoughts.

i havent posted to this because i felt like i had nothing to offer, but did read up on the updates & the happenings and others' comments.
I wouldnt have known what to do in your shoes, but appreciate all the questions/comments people made for me to get a better perspective.

however, i wanted to give a little appreciation and wish good luck with the positive change.
I think when someone is in denial, even reality doesnt sink in... but when someone WANTS to change, and they begin to accept reality as it is, good or bad, that's when real change can happen, imho.

And I really hope for your sake that this is the "reality check" needed for your dh to change, and change for good.

We're here for you...

I could not live the way you do.I would go beserk having to check on my hubby everyday. Please get out of this mess and take care of yourself. That is what is wrong with women. We feel like we can take care of the mess someone else makes. I got out before it got worse and it did. I needed peace because life is to short. God bless you.....