I dont know what to do in my life anymore..... I found out 5/2007 that my husband had an affair with his boss for 3 years (so 2004-2007) and I tried working things out but I might want to add that my husband has a porno addiction, that's the problem now.... I find it on his computer all the time.. he sneaks it when I am at my grandma's, not home or whatever... even when I am sleeping.

I just cant handle this anymore, I have confronted him and he promised to change and he WAS doing good for a while but here I find it again (none the less my 12 year old daughter who was doing a project on his computer found them!) She didnt see pictures or anything just the names of the movie titles and of course, she knew right off the bat what they were and she came and got me right away.

I also DONT trust him one bit, I dont believe him either. How can I trust him after what he did and now what he keeps doing and SWEARS he hasn't looked or watched a porno since I found out about the affair. I dont want to live a lie, I just dont feel I can keep living like this with a man who cares more about porno than his own family.

Thanks for listening and if anyone has any advice, please send it my way.

If you have been where I am now and left, how did you do it? Please take into consideration I dont work and only have a small EF saved, I also dont have family to go stay with, just me and my daughter.

Hi!

I am very new here but I left my husband of 21 years in November 2007. Porn (that I know of wasn't involved) but he was extremely controlling and (it's a long story). I also have a job so I can't offer anything about that I am afraid.


However, I went to see a lawyer first, then I went to counselling and it is very possible that he could be forced from the house because of your child seeing and recognizing porn. My measly advice would be to contact a lawyer for a free consultation and call the domestic violence people....they will be able to refer you to the proper place, if this doesn't fall under them.

You need to be strong and get counselling whether or not you decide to stay or leave. That is your decision alone.


One thing I was told by my counsellor was that a woman needs to get individual counselling before/as well as along with attending couple counselling - if that is the route you choose.

I wish you all the best....My prayers for you and your children.

Tracy--I'm so sorry you're going through this. I have no advice, except keep your head held high--you're a smart and wonderful woman and you deserve the best. I'll keep you in my prayers. I wish there was something more I could do.

Tracy--I'm so sorry you're going through this. I have no advice, except keep your head held high--you're a smart and wonderful woman and you deserve the best. I'll keep you in my prayers. I wish there was something more I could do.

My thoughts exactly. You deserve better than he is providing you. You shouldn't have to take second place to some cyber whore.

Trac - I am "glad" to see this post, as I have been thinking about you and lifting you up in prayer fairly often. I of course have no suggestions, but I do like the posters idea of the free lawyer consult. Thing about your daughter seeing porn on his computer in the house is an interesting thing that might just "help" you in a sick-twisted sort of way. I'd be spending some days calling close friends to see if they can help, that and a womens shelter, I am sure that they would have some thoughts. PLEASE keep us updated.
Traci
the other thing~you might want to look at jobs in your area.....it may end up being in your future (sorry)

Just been looking in from afar for a long time now & can say that you have put up with more than most would. You've let out bits and pieces here and there & it's always seemed like you were the one to keep it together. You've said alot without saying much. No fun & not right to live like that. I'm sorry and if I were you, I'd move on. But I'm not you and whatever you decide, I wish you well.

I am sorry you are going thru this. My heart goes out to you

I'm sorry it's come to this :(. You do what you gotta do. I think you should leave but that's just me. The good thing is your daughter is in school and you can try to find a job around those hours. I'm not saying it will be easy but it's bound to be better and lead you to something better. I also would recommend calling a women's shelter and they will give you resources and direction. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

I was really hopeing that things were going to look better for you. I am so sorry that it hasn't.

You know my number, you know my e-mail- please call me if I can help in anyway. I can only imagine how difficult this decision is.
Big hugs and big kisses to ya!

I'm sorry you are going through yet another trial with this man. I was hoping that things were getting better for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers. You seem to be such a wonderful person, I know something wonderful is waiting for you!

Tracy,

I sent you a PM, so sorry about this.

Kind Regards,
leezza

Tracy My prays are with you......... I've been seperated from my husband of 22 years for 21/2 year now....... His problem was and is drugs....... You need to be strong and weigh all your options, before you decide what you are going to do.
Fern

Tracy, good luck no matter what you decide to do.

My thoughts are with you tonight

I've been through divorce though I have no kids and I was working,but here goes. First off you were married almost 10 yrs-here in Ohio I think you only have to be married 5 before alimony is involved and you have access to half his retirement when he retires. Also since he cheated on you and if you have proof I'd go to a lawyer. If you own house you may get it(or possibly have to pay so much to him,but since he cheated and your daughter had access to sexual content-you will possibly get the house). If you don't own house then some sort of settlement possibly to help w house. He will also have to pay child support(on the 12 yr old-the 17 yr old-and only the 18 yr old if they are in college-also if the 17 goes into college also). I don't know what kind of work he does,but dep on how well he gets paid will help you. You might also be able to contact the women's shelter or other organization about job training if you go into the work field....dep on if you have any school already and what you have interest in you can get help. I would talk to a lawyer first they can go over everything and give you a consultation of your options-and that part is free. You will want to sep(w legal paperwork-talk to that lawyer) if possible first while you are going through everything. Here in Ohio you have to be sep for a year-though since you have an affair(which here isn't grounds for divorce anymore-it is incompatable)but also the access to sexual content by a minor will not be handled to lightly be a judge.

If you are part of a church talk to the pastor(or his wife first) they can prob help you w minor things like food or tell you also where to go. You need to go through counseling,him def and possibly your kid(s).
I don't know what your debt is ,but it will usually be divided though if you've been the primary caregiver and he's the only one working then he may have to take all(though any good credit you have you can take w you-try to get some of your own now if you don't have any)-talk to a lawyer about this though. I know vehicles and cc and bank accts will be divided how the courts see fit(which means usually if he erred in a bad way -they will side w you).Unless you two sign some form of agreement. Which as we've all said. He is in trouble for the affair,any money spent for said affair and off course his 'problem' being readily accessible to your kids-esp a preteen.

Your husband is not going to be happy but he should have thought of this before....once trust is gone and for something like this it makes it doubly hard to come back.

I'm sorry this had to happen to you. Keep us updated.

Tracy, I think of you often because of some of the things you mentioned in the past. I agree with Darlene; you put up with some things most people wouldn't. I want you to find peace for you and your daughter. You shouldn't have to go through life miserable. It isn't fair to you or your family. I will be praying for you and hope you make the right decision for you!!

:hugz: I am so sorry!

Tracy, I'm sorryto hear what you're going through. You deserve so much better. Please keep us updated on how everything's going.


--Michelle

Tracy,
So sorry you are going through this. Although I haven't encountered this kind of problem I can offer a perspective of sorts.
You hit the nail on the head about "His" addiction to porn. It's a tough situation, because although he may not be drinking, doing drugs, etc..., he still has an addiction. Are there any support groups in your area? I have gotten divorced before, but that was for many other reasons, drinking included. Still, I think they thing that hurts the most is that he is so addicted to the porn that he hasn't heeded your words or respcted your feelings, or you for that matter. I think I would do a lot of research and find out what the symptoms, and recovery rates are. I understand that you are in a fix, but are you? Or will you get into a financial position to be able to care for your DD and yourself? These are all questions I know the therapist, or counselor will zone in on.
I wish you the best of everything.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I know that you will make the right decision.

I too sending you my best. I have been thru a divorce; come as a huge suprise he met another woman online he thought would bring him more than me and the kids could. I had no job, I was a sahm, I picked myself up off the ground and in 1 & 1/2 yrs not only did I have a great job with a bank I bought my own house all by myself. It brought me and the kids closer even though I didn't think that was possible. Ultimatley it will be your decision to do what is best for you and your dd. I can say that once that trust has been broken its hard to get back, if it every truly comes back; I comend you for being able to take him back at all after the affair. An addiction is an addiction and is rarely ever kicked without counseling.
You are a strong lady and you will do it; if its what your decide, never doubt that.
Good luck, hugs and keep us posted; you have alot of ppl that are willing to help even if it's cross country/countries that includes myself.

Tracy,
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. You are a strong woman, and have dealt with your share of grief from him. Only YOU can decide what you can and will put up with / get over. Have you visited a counselor before? If you're not comfortable with that I want to share with you that the book "Ten stupid things women do to mess up their lives", by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. It really helped open my eyes and realize what I was capable of when I was in a bad situation. Please PM me if you'd like. I'll be thinking of you and sending good vibes your way!:hugz:

Frugalmumof3,

I have been were you are before, not in completely the same position as we weren't married, just living together and I had no children and a job so although things were tough on my own I didn't have the financial problems to deal with that you do.

Addiction to porn and to "internet dating" or online affairs are difficult to deal with.

I know with my partner, he was in complete denial about it even being a problem, and even had me convinced for a while that it was normal, that all guys did it and that if there was no actual physical intercourse involved then it wasn't cheating. To my knowledge he never stepped accross the line and actually had an affair but that is probably just me being niave and if he didn't I am sure that it was just because the occasion never arose.

Porn and any kind of "virtual sex" is so destructive in a relationship and it completely damages your self esteem, mine would spend hours on the computer (I caugt him a few times so I know that he was doing it) pleasuring himself.

Sometimes I would catch him at it only hours after we had been intimate or after I had suggested that we "go to bed" and he had refused.

I found it really hard to measure up to what he was looking at on screen, I mean I am fairly normal looking, no DD implants or platinum blond hair, I don't wear stilletos to bed and, while I will admit to being a little adventurous (I wouldn't call myself prudish) there was no way that he would get me to engage in some of the things that he was looking at.

The worst of it is was that he couldn't see that he had a problem or understand why it was an issue for me, in the end I felt like he had two lives, on on the internet and one with me, and anytime that he was with me I felt like he was imagining some one or something else and there was zero trust left in our realtionship.

I understand where you are comming from because it is lonely, frustrating and completely damamges your self image. To be honest I really don't know that they can be helped and I definately believe that it is some sort of disorder. I commend you for trying to work through your issues and save your relationship.

I think that you have some tough questions to ask yourself, like if you believe that you can live like that, in this day and age it is difficult to ban a computer from your house, especially if you have school age children as it is invaluable to them.

If you do decide to leave, make sure that you have worked out a plan for yourself, and seek some counsel from some one who knows the laws in your area. Take care of yourself and your children.

I can tell you that if you decide to leave and make a life with your kids and by yourself, it will be the making of you, you will accomplish things that you never believed you could and the experience of being able to do it all by yourself will be just the things that your self confidence needs. I have read a lot of your posts and have found that your advice to people if always very considered and helpful. You are strong and resourceful and you can make it no matter what you decide I'm sure that it will be the best thing for you.

Just a thought that maybe this toxic situation is holding you back from your full potential?

and if you are trying to stay together...clean the computer completely and install a net nanny-where it won't let you access any of those sites...where only you has the password.make sure it is nothing he will guess. It might drive him nuts...might only slow him down,but hey the kids are more important. It costs a little bit,but I'm sure it is worth it for you.

Tracy, it breaks my heart for you to read this. I have some advice for you. If I knew "then" what I know "now" I would have done things very differently when I left my ex. Call you local women's shelter immediately. they have resources you can only imagine being able to access and they can do it right away.

They can help you with housing, counseling, food, a job, clothing, legal services, and most importantly, immediate shelter. They will help you make your exit plan, and they will stick by you like no one else.

Don't feel ashamed to take their help because one day, you will be like me. You will be the one on the other end of that phone line extending a life-line to another woman in a desparate situation.

There are all kinds of abuse Tracy, and there are people out there who make it their life's work to help women escape.

If you have any questions PM me, and I will give you more info.

Love ya, and be strong.

You're getting great advice here.

You do need to get out of the situation, damaging you and your daughter emotionally, which has physical ramifications. Take care of yourself, your daughter needs you.

One more thing, you may want to check and see if Suzy Orman has any books that can help.

On Oprah yesterday, Suzy Orman was on and she is giving away her book "Women and Money" online for a free download. It is only available until 5:00 pm today, so you need to scoot over there right away. You could print it out, it is 300 pages though, or save the file online. Go to the Oprah website and you can find it there.

I am sending power and blessings for this trying time.

So sorry to hear about this. My ex had a drinking problem and numerous affairs. I was left with a 5 year old and no place to go. Now I can see things that I should have did differently as everyone here as said. so get an attorney, some will take payments, document EVERYTHING so you have proof.I learned that the hard way. Eventually I found a job and a little house to rent. That was 28 years ago. I now have a husband I wouldn't trade and have a house that will be mine in 3 years. My daughter turned out great even though she hasn't seen her dad in years. He lives 10 minutes away. You will make it through this because you are strong, you have your kids and everyone here. If it weren't for all the help and support I have gotten from my friends on here even though we have never met I don't know where I'd be. We're here for you.

I too am sorry that you have to deal with this kinda of stuff. You have dealt with so much, but again, you will need to do what your heart tells you to do. Some people can come back from all of this, yet it is a really long road and no guarantees. I do know you need to get your ducks in a row, a bank account, and such. Good luck and keep us posted.. lots of love and hugs...

Your getting some good advice here. I just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you. Hugs to you and your daughter.

julie

I am so sorry! Keeping you in my thoughts. :grouphug:

Tracy..I am sorry that your still going through this crap.. I wish you all the strength for your journey ahead of you..((HUGS))

Tracy, I'm sorry you are still dealing with this :hugz: You have gotten some excellent advice. Just know that you ARE strong enough to do this. You are.

I too been thinking about you .I have read your blog and posts since the start and I think you have done everything to try and make the relationship work.You are the only person who can make the decision.You deserve to be treated better
Stay strong,my thoughts are with you

I am sorry that you are having to continue to deal with this type of behavior. I know that you are strong enough to overcome this. Please think of yourself and your daughter. We are here to support whatever decision you make.

Good Luck. I will keep you in my prayers.

Tracy, it breaks my heart for you to read this. I have some advice for you. If I knew "then" what I know "now" I would have done things very differently when I left my ex. Call you local women's shelter immediately. they have resources you can only imagine being able to access and they can do it right away.

They can help you with housing, counseling, food, a job, clothing, legal services, and most importantly, immediate shelter. They will help you make your exit plan, and they will stick by you like no one else.

Don't feel ashamed to take their help because one day, you will be like me. You will be the one on the other end of that phone line extending a life-line to another woman in a desparate situation.

There are all kinds of abuse Tracy, and there are people out there who make it their life's work to help women escape.

If you have any questions PM me, and I will give you more info.

Love ya, and be strong.

FrugalMom, YOU ARE A STRONG WOMAN. That is readable in your posts and in this thread. I am sorry you are going thru this and the decisions you need to make will not be easy. Daisygirl said it best. The people at a woman's shelter will have a lot of resources for you. They will let you know what your options are and information that will help you decide what is best for you and your dd. You will be in my prayers.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Great advice given already. My thoughts are with you. ((((hugs))))

Tracy, I have not been a member for long but from the advice you give others I can see you are a VERY strong woman....probably much stronger than you know. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. I just want you to know I am thinking and praying for you. These other women have given you some great advice and I wish you the best in whatever decision you make. :grouphug:

There is one more thing I want to add. This may sound harsh, and please know I don't mean it that way. This story is the reason I got the courage to leave my exhusband:

You are teaching your daughter that this is how men are supposed to treat women.

When you stay in a bad situation you are showing by example that the situation is acceptable. And if there are boys involved (I think you have stepsons) you are allowing them to think that their faher's behavior is acceptable.

The day I left my ex, he talked to me like I was dirt in front of my daughters. He said to me, "If I wanted any s**t from you I'd squeeze your head."

I looked him dead in the eye and said, "If some man spoke to our daughter like that you'd kill him. If I stay with you she will end up with a man just like you." It was this sudden moment of clarity. I packed my bags and left 15 minutes later with him laughing that I would come crawling back in a month. I NEVER returned and never will.

Please, Tracy, think of the lesson you are teaching. If it is a fixable situation, by all means, I understand the value of working out problems. Only you know what is going on behind closed doors and can decide if this is what you wish for your daughter.

We love you Tracy.

I'm sorry you're going though this - I too have been following your story on this site (though I have been a member for only a short time). Speaking from my own experience, for me, I have a lot of trouble trusting again once it has been broken. This has happened with my ex (who promised to reform but I knew he wouldn't) and my best friend (whom I supported both emotionally and financially for a few years) who said some things that were so hurtful to me, I ended the friendship. I could not trust either of them not to hurt me again.

I think it's time for you to move on. Even though it hurts now if you leave, you'll feel a lot better about yourself and your family down the road.

I wish you good luck in whatever path you choose.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this.

I went through something similar. My ex husband cheated on me for years, promised to stop when caught, but he still did it over and over.

I was with this man since I left my home in high school, I never worked, and had a baby.

I left with my daughter and 6 years later we're doing good, I do struggle at times but feeling good about myself and having my daughter away from what was going on is the greatest thing in the world.

I agree with what someone said already about finding womens resources. I did and they helped me.

I know this is hard for you but many women have been through this and you can make it to.

Oh Tracy, I am so sorry that you have to deal with this.

You deserve so much better than what this man has to offer you.

We love you.

As for that whole 'where to live thing'....you have a family of villagers here who would take you in in a heartbeat!

Tracy,
I am not going to tell you to stay or leave, only you can make that decision. A lot of people have already given you great advice. What you do with it is up to you.

I left the Ex when DD was just over 2 (we had only had her a little over a year). We do have some issues from time to time with her acting out, trying to play one parent against the other.

I have had moments where I questioned if I did the right thing... leaving the financial security, moving us out of the house, living in a friends basement, the divorce...

I finally decided that parents will always second guess themselves because they want to be the best parent they can be for their child. It wouldn't have mattered if I stayed or not, I would always wonder about something or other.

I don't regret leaving (he was my second husband, so I wasn't new to divorce court, but first time dealing with custody issues). I do wish I had lived my financial life differently and saved some money instead of buying DD everything under the sun... did she really need 27 pairs of shoes? The one thing didn't have a lot of was diapers... go figure.

Whatever you decide, I think you should try to save something, anything. I walked out with $20 and a tank of gas.

If you know you want to leave, think about the things you will want/have to take with you. Can you discretely sell off the other things? Are there things you know you will need in the near future?

I may be happy with the Old Man right now, but, I know nothing lasts forever. I am twice divorced, but things happen every day. Goddess forbid he gets in to an accident or anything like that... Life happens even when you aren't ready for it.

I have money socked away that I refuse to touch or even count. The only time I even look at it is when I am adding to it. I have no idea how much is there... not enough to buy me a new life, but enough to keep DD and I fed until I can figure something out.

This is a tough decision... it really is... don't listen to your heart, it hates to be broken.

Step back, look at it differently... your friend called you, your daughter called you, a complete stranger called you and told you their husband had a long-time affair but he promised it's over and then their child found porn on the computer...

What would you tell her to do? What if she told you she still loves him? What if she said she has no money saved and no where to go?

Maybe you'd tell her to look at her options, save money, make a plan. That the child and their emotional health and stability are important. Maybe you'd tell her that one shouldn't live a life full of doubt and mistrust. Maybe you will tell her to get counseling, look in to financial assistance. Maybe you will tell her that one person can not save a marriage. Maybe you will tell her to talk it out with her husband. You will tell her that she deserves to be happy.

YOU ARE JUST AS IMPORTANT!

t~

Sent you a PM.

*hugs*

No advice, just hugs. :hugz:

Tracy, my heart breaks for you. The others have given you some excellent advice. You're a strong person and you will survive!! My prayers and thoughts are with you.

Dixie Jean

:hugz::hugz:

I am so sorry to see you still going thru this.

The only thing I can tell you is go see a counsler, pastor, someone to help you.

It really helps clear your mind, helps you see what you should do. Maybe if you can talk to someone, then maybe he will go in later also. Try and get some help with this instead of doing it on your own.

I can't stress the counsler for you. I know it really helps, I wish I would have done it when I was going thru my divorce. I always thought he needed the help not me.. wrong.

I will keep you in my prayers.

I am so sorry for what you are going thru. You are getting lots of words of advice. My story is over 20 years ago while I was in college, I split up with a cheating, drug using husband. My DD was a baby. My heart was breaking, but looking back, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I was fortunate my parents had money to help us, and room for my DD to move in and I was able to thrive and move on.

You have put up with alot and it sounds like you have been doing your best these last months.

Maybe he will get help, maybe he won't but....life is too short for you to be unhappy or treated as 2nd best. You and your kids deserve more. Be strong, come up with a plan and look toward the future.

HUUGGGSSS and whatever you decide were all there for u.

I don't have much to add - as a lawyer, I can totally agree with the "call a lawyer" advice. I also like the idea of calling the local women's shelter for resources. Start saving money and maybe start looking for a job too, as that will make the transition easier if you do decide to go.

My prayers are with you.

I too am sorry to hear about this.

I can't offer much in terms of advise except if you ever need to know about housing programs out there, don't be afraid to ask.

I can offer a prayer and a hug.

:::: hugs :::::

Tracy, I know that you don't know me because I don't post all that often, but I really feel for you. You have come through obstacle after obstacle and tried to hold this marriage together. I am so sorry that it never seems to cease for you. The one thing I can say though, is that you have so much support on this forum. People really respect you and everyone wants whats best for you. You have to figure it out for yourself, what you can or cannot live with. These are hard decisions and they aren't being taken lightly by you. The truth is though, you will survive no matter what decision you make. You are a very strong woman and that will serve you well. So no matter what the outcome of this, remember that we all stand behind you and pray for you, hoping that things will get better soon.

K

You're a good woman Tracy and a font of knowledge which I've selfishly tapped into on this forum with never a thankyou.

THANKYOU TRACY

You are always stronger than you think you are......

Tracy I'm thinking about you and will keep you in my prayers! :hugz:

You just never know what life has in store for you...I truly feel for you!! Big hugs and support going your way!!Katy

Tracy,
I can't add any other advice other than what has already been given but I wanted to tell you that you have a wealth of support and encouragement from your fellow Villagers. Whatever you decide we will be here with a word of comfort or a shoulder to lean on whenever you need them. :hugz:

I know I don't converse with you very often, but please know I have read your blog and your story. Please don't take my following remarks to be rude. If you were one of my close girlfriends asking me for advise, i would be telling her the exact same thing!

First of all I just want to tell you I am happy that you have came to this decision. I hope you follow thru and leave his sorry behind!

Everyone has told you some great advise. I would follow them all. Please always remember that your daughter is very impressionable at this age and she is learning how she should be treated. Would you want her to be in this type of a relationship? Also, I wanted to say...you deserve sooooo much better than you are getting. Please leave him...get a job, see an attorney, and just leave that piece of crap that has cheated on you for YEARS!!!!! He is holding you back from being something MORE wonderful!

Good Luck to you and please know you will be in my thoughts and prayers!!!! We love you here at the village.

Vanessa

I agree with everyone - but mostly with Vanessa.
I've been in that situation too. All of them.
I have a boyfriend right now, but he knows he's out of there if any of the things you're going through happen. I have finally found out that I CAN survive on my own. I may not have all of the material things I used to, but now I have peace of mind.
Just remember we're all here for you.

Tracy so sorry to hear about this. We @ the village love ya like a sister.....tons of good advice for you. You & your family are all in my prayers :) Plz post message me if you need to talk to someone....I'm available whenever!!!

I'm sorry. My prayers are with you.

I am so sorry that you are going through all of this.

Tracy, if you plan on leaving, you'll of course have to get a job beforehand, and I'd suggest looking on Craigslist for a room or apartment for you and daughter.

You certainly have the support of all your friends on this forum :grouphug:

I don't know exactly what to say, but I'll always be here to listen. I'm praying that your transition to the life you deserve is an easy one.

I have no wonderful words of advice, just sympathy and best wishes. I hope you are able to see yourself and DD through this with minimal scars.

I forgot to mention that you can train to become a certified nurses aide in as little as two or three weeks and nurses aides are in high demand. Most community colleges offer the low cost course, and some hospitals and nursing hospitals even offer the course for free.

sex addicts anonymous for him
Co-SA for you
individual and joint counseling for all.
"the meadows" rehab center or sierra tucson
read anything you can by patrick carnes and doug weiss.

recently divorced from a sex addict who couldn't stop. thirteen years, two rehab centers, and three relapses i had enough. the last relapse involved cyber affairs and god knows what. while he was at the meadows i was the therpists made him disclose that he had had an affair. I hit that "moment of clarity" . While he was at the rehab and aftercare, I packed up his stuff and put it in a storage unit and threw him out.

good luck!

oh, i wanted to add that if your daughter is twelve, there is no reason why you shouldn't be re-entering the workforce. either job training or education, get going!

So sorry to hear what is going on. Hope you can truly feel the support on this website.

:hugz: Sorry to hear that you are going through this.

I am so sorry to read about your situation.

You have such a big heart, and so much compassion and empathy for others.

You are a strong woman and mother.

You will make the right decision for both you and your daughter. There will come a moment when you just KNOW what the right path is for you.

Whatever decision you make, please know that we are here for you even if we don't live in the same city you do.

You may want to look into the Certified Nursing Assistant training mentioned in an earlier post. Many hospitals/nursing homes offer the courses for free then you just pay for the state exam.

You may also get FREE training on Microsoft Word, Excel, and Access at your state's employment/job offices (to either learn or brush up - not sure what your career background is).

Whether you decide to stay in the marriage of leave it would be of great benefit to you to have marketable skills with which you can support yourself.

You and your family are in my prayers.

Tracy, My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. You and your daughter are so worth a wonderful life and not all this stress!

I've been through divorce though I have no kids and I was working,but here goes. First off you were married almost 10 yrs-here in Ohio I think you only have to be married 5 before alimony is involved and you have access to half his retirement when he retires. Also since he cheated on you and if you have proof I'd go to a lawyer. If you own house you may get it(or possibly have to pay so much to him,but since he cheated and your daughter had access to sexual content-you will possibly get the house). If you don't own house then some sort of settlement possibly to help w house. He will also have to pay child support(on the 12 yr old-the 17 yr old-and only the 18 yr old if they are in college-also if the 17 goes into college also). I don't know what kind of work he does,but dep on how well he gets paid will help you. You might also be able to contact the women's shelter or other organization about job training if you go into the work field....dep on if you have any school already and what you have interest in you can get help. I would talk to a lawyer first they can go over everything and give you a consultation of your options-and that part is free. You will want to sep(w legal paperwork-talk to that lawyer) if possible first while you are going through everything. Here in Ohio you have to be sep for a year-though since you have an affair(which here isn't grounds for divorce anymore-it is incompatable)but also the access to sexual content by a minor will not be handled to lightly be a judge.

If you are part of a church talk to the pastor(or his wife first) they can prob help you w minor things like food or tell you also where to go. You need to go through counseling,him def and possibly your kid(s).
I don't know what your debt is ,but it will usually be divided though if you've been the primary caregiver and he's the only one working then he may have to take all(though any good credit you have you can take w you-try to get some of your own now if you don't have any)-talk to a lawyer about this though. I know vehicles and cc and bank accts will be divided how the courts see fit(which means usually if he erred in a bad way -they will side w you).Unless you two sign some form of agreement. Which as we've all said. He is in trouble for the affair,any money spent for said affair and off course his 'problem' being readily accessible to your kids-esp a preteen.

Your husband is not going to be happy but he should have thought of this before....once trust is gone and for something like this it makes it doubly hard to come back.

I'm sorry this had to happen to you. Keep us updated.

I wanted to add to what amelia said. I came out smelling like a rose, in the separation. i not only got a "paid for" house and all its contents, and the judge awarded 800 bucks a month reparation for two years to get me back on my financial feet. judges don't look too kindly on this nonsense. you have more power than you think. hell, make HIM leave, that's what I did.

No more victim.

anyway, i don't counsel leaving right away. if you are not in immediate danger, i counsel staying in the house for one year, while you work intensively the CoSA program with a sponsor and a professional counselor. He must work the SAA program for him to stay. Notice i said for HIM to stay.

Use this year to get stronger for you and pray for a miracle for him. we did an "in-house" separation. I got psychologically well from all this work. I feel sad that hubby didn't.

My hubby got "sort of" well, from going to SAA, at least for a while, and that's why I stayed. there were some content, happy years.

my boundaries were: our marriage ends if you endanger my life, health, safety, or sanity. the two relapses I stayed because they were "just" pornography relapses. the third relapse was really bad, violated the bottom line, and that's when i ended the marriage.

i have seen many happy healthy marriages from joint SAA/CoSA work. both of you have to go.

Tracy, I sent you a PM.

Regardless of which option you decide, KNOW that you are strong enough and well determined to suceed in it. You WILL make it. *hugs*

I'm so sorry you are going through all this. As has been said here YOU are a Strong Woman!! You will get through this and on with YOUR life.

Had it have been me? He would have been out of the house for good the minute I found out about the affair. Notice I said HE would be out of the house.....no need for you to leave, you have the child to raise! There would be no ifs, ands or buts about it he would have been gone! I'll take some crap, but when it comes to cheating THAT is where I draw the line. I don't care how sorry they say they are. HE should know better and he obviously disregarded your and your daughters feelings, so why should you have any regard for how he feels? I certainly wouldn't.

Contact a lawyer and drag his sorry butt through the courts. (and I would make it that HE pays for your lawyer fees, yes you can do that) YOU and your daughter deserve much much better than him. I wish you nothing but the best and please let us know how you are doing and if you need anything.

Tracy I am so sorry you are going through this! I do agree that he should be the one to leave the house. Why should you and the children be cast adrift when he's the on who screwed up? Put him on foot patrol! My thoughts are with you sweety.

Frugalmamof3... anyone heard from her. I haven't seen her post in awhile. Getting worried

oops I must have missed her posts yesterday.

Hi Tracy, No advice, just sending you prayers in your time of need right now. You need to find ways to empower yourself and not continue to be a victim of this man.

Tracie----:hugz:

I'm so sorry you having to deal with this. I don't have any other advice that hasn't been mentioned already, but I do have ears, hugs and prayers for you and your daughter. :hugz:

I'm sorry it's come to this :(. You do what you gotta do. I think you should leave but that's just me. The good thing is your daughter is in school and you can try to find a job around those hours. I'm not saying it will be easy but it's bound to be better and lead you to something better. I also would recommend calling a women's shelter and they will give you resources and direction. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

I totally agree in that I would leave but to each his own!!! I am sending up a prayer for you and your daughter in the mean time start preparing your resume and looking for jobs ASAP.

I am still here ladies, just trying not to think about certain things... I have mixed feelings and while I know I could make it on my own, I dont know if leaving is the right things to do, atleast not right now. I have to save up money and have a plan and that takes time. I plan on attending church more often and taking the kids with me and also try to find a free counseling program for me to go to as well as the kids too. We ALL have a say in this.

I know DH will NEVER attend counseling sessions but I will put my foot down and tell him that if he doesnt even think about it, then it's over. BUT as for now, I am here, keeping my cool and stress level down.

Thank you ladies for all our support and kind words and please continue to keep me and my family in your prayers.

I'm so glad to hear from you! Sounds like you have a plan. Let me know if there's any way I can help.

BIG HUGS to you, Tracy! :hugz: We are here for you. I think going to church with the kids, and getting some counseling are great ideas. You are in my prayers. Continue to keep us posted on how you are doing.

BIG HUGS to you, Tracy! :hugz: We are here for you. I think going to church with the kids, and getting some counseling are great ideas. You are in my prayers. Continue to keep us posted on how you are doing.

:yeah: I agree. And thanks for the update, glad you have a plan and are going to be getting some support from church. (((Hugs)))

Sorry you're having to go through this....

Also would like to note that, even if you get a divorce, your husband will get visitation with your child - which means that you wouldn't be present at those times...

Just something to think about.

[[[hugs]]] :wave:

There is one more thing I want to add. This may sound harsh, and please know I don't mean it that way. This story is the reason I got the courage to leave my exhusband:

You are teaching your daughter that this is how men are supposed to treat women.

When you stay in a bad situation you are showing by example that the situation is acceptable. And if there are boys involved (I think you have stepsons) you are allowing them to think that their faher's behavior is acceptable.

The day I left my ex, he talked to me like I was dirt in front of my daughters. He said to me, "If I wanted any s**t from you I'd squeeze your head."

I looked him dead in the eye and said, "If some man spoke to our daughter like that you'd kill him. If I stay with you she will end up with a man just like you." It was this sudden moment of clarity. I packed my bags and left 15 minutes later with him laughing that I would come crawling back in a month. I NEVER returned and never will.

Please, Tracy, think of the lesson you are teaching. If it is a fixable situation, by all means, I understand the value of working out problems. Only you know what is going on behind closed doors and can decide if this is what you wish for your daughter.

We love you Tracy.

I completely agree. I worked as a registered nurse in a mental health hosptial on a floor which housed battered women (physical and emotional). You would be shocked to know the number of women who were patients who had a family history of their mother's being abused. They would say things to me like "Well, my mother stayed with my Dad even though he did ....(then they would mention some horrendous behavior which was very demeaning and done in front of the children). THINK OF YOUR CHILDREN do you want your chldren and grandchildren to endure this same behavior!!!!

I completely agree. I worked as a registered nurse in a mental health hosptial on a floor which housed battered women (physical and emotional). You would be shocked to know the number of women who were patients who had a family history of their mother's being abused. They would say things to me like "Well, my mother stayed with my Dad even though he did ....(then they would mention some horrendous behavior which was very demeaning and done in front of the children). THINK OF YOUR CHILDREN do you want your chldren and grandchildren to endure this same behavior!!!!

My fiance's biological father was abusive to his mom and to him and his siblings when he was young...as a toddler he was flung into a wall and knocked unconscious for responding to his dad cause he was confused by what was said. One of his sisters continues to live in a an abusive relationship. Even though his mother left their dad when he was 7 and she eventually remarried a great guy. My fiance was raised mostly by his mom and grandma and he actually won't touch a woman...it is ingrained. His ex wife actually tried to accuse him of it and called the cops...they came out found no marks on her(but the one that she had from hitting him w a ball bat while he was sleeping-he came home from the hospital broken ribs wrapped and was confronted by the cops-barely able to put his hands in the air)...one of the cops actually knew his boss(and at this time he worked security)...this guy rem that the cops were called one night to one of his places he was watching cause he wouldn't touch a group of women who were fighting. His brother just below him has shown signs of some of his dad's personality....he has caught him kicking their pets growing up and the pets he has now...he told him he ever caught him it would not be pretty. He was one of the few that actually went the other extreme ...which is possible but rare. They don't even appear to be aware of what they are doing...it's almost like it's a norm. His mother died years ago of cancer but his grandma already likes me better than any of his ex's cause I don't treat him like it has to be my way all the time and I believe in fairness...and def not abusive. I would honestly get out as soon as you can. Like you said he isn't gonna change...but he could get worse...what next is your daughter or other children gonna see. What happens if he starts going to underage sites(and alot of them are online now) how about chat rooms?? has he done that??there are so many what ifs....

tracy I am so sorry you`ve had to go thru this. Im sure this has been very hard on you. hug`s

Traci

A girlfriend of mine was married to a guy like this, he was also a minister. She ended up divorcing him after many attempts at counseling and therapy for addicts.
I don't know what to tell you to do because your husbands actions are not something you can control........

but you reaction to his actions and your feelings are something you can do something about.
Try to find a group in your area for counseling and also to meet other women who are going through what you are for emotional support and help in coping until you figure out what your going to do ( stay married or not stay married to him).

Best wishes.

ps, I was single 30 years and dated quite a bit. I met guys like that who had all kinds of addictions ( porn, drinking, gambling, sex, and everything you can think of)...
I managed to find a great guy and marry at age 47... so don't think life is over.