Wow- my co-worker just quit and I am almost solely to blame.

**Kimberlina** · 09-16-2005, 08:52 PM

Well, not solely, but if I hadn't asked a question, it never would have happened.

She and I are firends, and she had only worked at the hospital a short time when I recommended her to take over my team leader position (I gave it up completely of my own volition simply because I didn't want to change my schedule.) She has been in that position for three years. (Wow- she must be stiff. LOL Okay, very bad joke, but I need a little levity right now because I am feeling guilty.)

She missed about 6 weeks of work recently and just came back less than two weeks ago. (She suffers from mental illness so her psychiatrist kept her out while meds were adjusted, etc.) Work has been REALLY busy since she has been back, and when our supervisor came into the room the other day, I asked him if he knew if the courier routes had been changed or anyone was out, because that is usually the cause of our problems. (I am still "in the loop" and a trusted employee who fills in as team leader from time to time, so it isn't weird for me to ask.) Well, I don't know what set him off, but the supervisor got all defensive and it ended up with him raising his voice to her and her going into another room and kicking and denting a filing cabinet.

She went to HR yesterday, then when she was done the two supervisors talked to her. They were going to give her two days diciplinary leave, and she quit.

I feel so bad. She has been a bit volatile since she returned, and it has been a bit uncomfotable, but this stinks. I know we will work a little more comfortable, but I will miss her. I sure hope this leads to a better work fit for her. She really wants to work w/in her degree (computers.)

;(

**Missy** · 09-16-2005, 10:00 PM

Their reactions to a simple question is on them, not you. How can you predict how someone will react to that? Hopefully it will be for the better. Please don't feel guilty, a question is how we learn things, and if other people blow it up into a huge fit, that's not your fault i wouldn't think.

Did I make one ounce of sense??

**Kimberlina** · 09-16-2005, 10:43 PM

Yes, and I know you are right, but I still feel guilty. I feel even worse because I sorta' wanted her to quit- I certainly don't want my job back or anything (and, for that matter, won't TAKE it back, though I am sure they will ask me to,) it is just that she has made things extremely uncomfortable since she has been back. (And before she left- she was asking people out who either aren't lesbian or ar married, and that isn't lik her.) And she has been very unhappy, too. I worry about her, though. She has been suicidal in the past, and her girlfriend broke up with her recently. She doesn't have one really good relationship with anyone, and I am just really worried about her mental state right now. She e-mailed me about what happened, and I responded, bu I haven't heard from her yet. I just hope she will be okay....

**babetteq** · 09-17-2005, 06:42 AM

Can you tell her that? That you are worried about her because of those things? Sometimes the best thing that you can do is express concern and outline why. That gives someone the opportunity for a reality check and the permission to say "no everything is whacked for me". Then she can talk to her psychiatrist about it.

Don't feel guilty. You didn't do anything wrong. You are not to blame for her mental state, or the supervisors reaction to a question. The only thing you are guilty about is being relieved at the end of a not-so-good situation. you're human. Welcome.

babs

**YankeeMom** · 09-17-2005, 09:07 AM

I'm sorry for your friend. But you are not to blame. It is not rational for an adult to kick things, especially when confronted by their boss. It is not rational to have to watch the words you use or questions you ask because they might set her off.

I hope she gets the help she needs and finds a job that allows her to use her degree.

(((HUGS))) Kimberly

**AmyMCGS** · 09-17-2005, 09:43 AM

It's not your fault-- you happened to be the catalyst for this particular blow-up, but, it sounds like she would have blown up very soon anyways. I'm sure you know that in your head, but your heart is taking over right now.

I can SO relate. I work with someone who is very mentally unstable, and also a dear friend of mine. Her attitude and work are terrible some days, and everyone from the residents to staff to visitors talks about her and her wild behavior and mood swings. While part of me worries about my friend, part of me really wishes she'd quit and take care of herself-- she's not doing anyone any good by continuing on the way she is now.

**Telephus44** · 09-28-2005, 09:04 PM

I've worked with a co-worker that I was good friends with but was also a bit mentally unstable. As fun as she was to work with, she did very little work (not that she was incapable or lazy, she just had a lack of focus and concentration) and could be extremely distracting. I have always had a hard time since we're still in the same industry so she has worked at several companies I've done business with, and it's always awkward when people ask me how I found working with her - I want to be honest, but I don't want to hurt her (have her lose a promotion or job). So I can kind of relate. Just keep thinking that its not your fault - maybe this was just the final stop before she gets her dream job in her field - who knows?

**Kimberlina** · 09-29-2005, 10:12 AM

Well, Sara, that is what I am hoping. Who knows?

I can tell you all that work has been a lot more peaceful since she has been gone. As I mentioned, she replaced me as the charge person on second shift when I elected not to do that job any more, and now the person who replaced her is someone I trained to take over tha same position from me when I left first shift (to go on maternity leave.) Since this person is still pretty maleable to me, I can make things work the way they should- Karen was very stubborn and was letting he personal grudges get in the way of the work and the patients. The work has been moving along much more smoothly the last couple weeks.

I've learned since my last post that Karen is trying to sue the hospital because she feels they wronged her in some way, which I find interesting, because SHE is the one who quit simply because she was told she was going to have two days off for destroying hospital property in her fit of anger. I told her I'm not getting involved and that she was wrong to do what she did.

**canadian gardener** · 09-30-2005, 12:39 PM

This is SO NOT NOT NOT your fault!!!!!!!

Her reactions are her problem. Till she sees what her choices to react are costing her she won't change.

Your question was reasonable and normal.

You can't tiptoe around at work, getting stressed trying to keep a lid on her. (nor can co workers/supervisors, who aren't friends with her, but still have to cope with her attitude!)

If she can't cope at work, she can't cope at work. That means she can't work. She can't do the work without flipping out. That is not works fault for not accomodating her, that is not your fault for not seeing into the future, that is not anyone else's fault.

Normal people even normal nice people with some mental health issues can handle that kind of stress and strain without blowing up.

Yes she has pschiatric difficulties, but so do a lot of other people who take their meds, act responsibly about their condition and don't blame others.

People get hired to do a job. If they work as expected, they keep the job. Some flexibility is a good thing, we all have unexpected difficulties.

the difference is how long the difficulty goes on for, and whether the person involved is honest about it and able to make the changes in time before wearing out the other staff.

Kicking filing cabinets, having tantrums, and suing the hospital for not providing special working conditions is NOT REASONABLE.

For you to blame yourself is allowing her to shift the responsibilty once more, to someone else.

She can relax thinking it's your fault for asking a normal work related question. (you didn't know ahead of time how the supervisor would behave, nor do you know WHY the supervisor got weird about it although I'm sure we can give a good guess)

She can relax blaming the hospital for not accomodating her specialness.

And most of all she doesn't have to make changes when it's all someone else's fault.

Don't buy into it, you aren't helping her. She needs a wake up call and this may save her life or her career or both.

**Kimberlina** · 09-30-2005, 09:12 PM

Thanks, everyone. I'm so done with feeling bad about it.

She created her own poblems. Her psychiatric problems are a huge part of it, but if she would actually TALK to her therapist, it might help. She has talked to me in the past about her depression and anxiety, but before she was out for 6 weeks, I also noticed signs of bipolar disorder (had a dear friend who was bipolar, so I am familiar with some of the sympotoms) and sure enough, she told me she was recently diagnosed. When she came back to work, I noticed signs of paranoid schizophrenia, which I know sounds like an awful lot of stuff for one person to hav, but she was convinced everyone was out to get her, take her job away, etc, and I just found out she is sending a co-worker e-mails over and over telling her she has been seeing Elvis around, as well as sending "scary" notes to other co-workers. She needs to be hospitalized and helped in a big way, and I'm not getting involved. She has an ex living with her still and between the two of them, one of them should be able to figure out she still needs help.

Work has been pretty nice without her. Seriously, a raging middle-aged woman isn't the best co-worker With kids, they can learn, but she should know better.

**canadian gardener** · 09-30-2005, 10:20 PM

Wowzers I wouldn't want someone like her near patients or their families! Dangerous. The hospital and staff have a responsibility to keep someone like her away from the patients.

They would be too vulnerable. Patients in my recollection sometimes behaved in a trying fashion under the strain of their own sickness or surgery.

Take a few crabby patients, and a wing nut nurse and you have a recipe for disaster.