Anyone else feel like it's unfair....

**EarthGirl517** · 03-20-2008, 04:18 PM

to be a working woman sometimes? I have worked on and off ever since my husband and I got married 4 years ago. I would love to hold down a steady job, but he is always getting transferred around. I feel like because he makes more money, I am the one who has to make all of the sacrifices.

I am expected to work too, because we need the money. However, since he works retail (varied schedule), I am limited to a 9-5 or 3rd shift job. I am always the one having to arrange childcare, make sure it fits in with my schedule, and stay home with the kids when they are sick. He does try to help, but it's hard with his schedule and the expectations placed on him. The only reason I have to work is because we have not sold our house in the last town we lived in, so we have to pay mortgage and rent. We could make it otherwise.

Anyone else feel like it's harder for women out in the workforce than men? I know I'm complaining a lot, but I just get so ticked about it.

**latierra84** · 03-20-2008, 05:08 PM

im not in the exact same situation but its similar. dh and i are planning on moving out of state for his job, but we dont know when exactly. in the mean time i want to finish school and i want a job (which i already have) but i always feel like as soon as i start school, we'll move or as soon as i get settled into a routine, things will change for him and that means that they'll change for "us".

i sometimes feel like i cant move forward with my life until we have his figured out and in the mean time everything is great and on track for him while everything is at a completely stand still for me. when i stop and think about my "life plan" i just wonder how long itll take me to get there but then i start to feel selfish and ... blah.

**Dancing Lotus** · 03-20-2008, 05:45 PM

I don't work but I do understand what you are saying. I do think it can be unfair.
I don't work because I am the one who has to sacrifice and plan everything around him and his schedule is so packed and weird that it makes it impossible.
I can't work 9-5 because childcare would eat my entire pay. I can't work nights because I have no idea what time he will be home and I can't work weekends because he does.
I might be about to work 11pm to 5 am but I don't know when I would sleep and I don't know anyone other then gas stations who need someone to work those hours.

**Telephus44** · 03-20-2008, 07:47 PM

I also wanted to agree with you on feeling like you have to follow your husband's job. Four years ago DH was given the option of a layoff (with a $10,000 tuition fund for severance PLUS unemployment) or transferring to Colorado (we're in MA) - right at the same time I was offered a great job with a huge pay raise - we ended up going to CO and I am still bitter about having to give up that opportunity just because DH was scared of being unemployed (FWIW, he ended up hating the job he was transferred to, and flat out quit and we moved back with him having NO job).

And I think you're right about the juggling - we have an 18 month old son, and I always have to take time off for doctor's appts, stay home with him when he's sick - well, not all the time, but a lot of the time! And I have to co-ordinate everyone's schedule. Plus work 8-5 on top of it!

So you're not alone!!

**M55FF** · 03-20-2008, 07:52 PM

Harder for women? I don't know guess it depends on the man and woman involved as some people just cope and deal with life better... and some are weak and can't deal with anything... regardless of gender.

**Mom23boys** · 03-20-2008, 08:05 PM

I have to say I agree with you. In our household, I am the one responsible for arranging everyone's schedule which includes taking them to the dr, dentist, etc., running all the errands, doing all the household chores (except cooking cause DH does cook 2-3 nights a week), and taking care of ALL the finanaces. On top of all this, I work full time and attend college full time.

I am fortunate enough to have a DH, who has been offered several promotions, turn them down because we would have to move our family. He always involves me on the decision and we have decided to wait until the boys are all out of school. He also takes into consideration that I am trying to finish my bachelor degree.

**Marie78** · 03-20-2008, 08:10 PM

We don't have children yet, partly because I know that I could not work 40 hours a week outside the home and take care of everything I take care of now and raise a child.

I work 40 hours a week. I plan our menu and grocery shop accordingly with coupons, I get up early on Sunday to clip coupons, shop loss leaders and scratch bake and cook for the week to come. I make dinner almost every night. I wash laundry, clean, and balance my own finances (since we keep finances separate). Sometimes I get help with the clean up after dinner during the work week, sometimes I get help with the laundry (more now, since I have been basically demanding it). I coordinate when we need to purchase gifts and greeting cards so that I can get the best deals possible for our money and no one is forgotten.

I was thinking this over on my way to work this week: my fiance and I are very different. I would rather sacrafice a little time to save money in the long run. If I didn't do the things I do and my fiance was in charge: we would pay full price for items, no coupons would be clipped, no loss leaders shopped for, no cooking from scratch. There wouldn't be a weekly menu to shop for each week, so we would have to go back to the store for forgotten items. Our laundry would be dirty longer and our apartment would seldom be cleaned (including the bathroom).

**Edna_E** · 03-20-2008, 08:29 PM

I don't know. I think it is mor common that way, but in my marriage it was kind of reversed. I made a lot of money and could get a good job at a time that my dh's field was pretty much shut-down. We moved to where he wanted, I got a good job, and he went crazy becaue he felt guilty (NOT my doing!) and we ended up divorced. On the other hand, I have a dsis and dbil who are at similar ranks and incomes, and they carefully negotiate all moves so that they both have opportunities in the new locations. It can work differently.

**kellydoeshair** · 03-20-2008, 08:33 PM

it just depends on the situation
I've made many sacrifices for dh's career while I was in Cosmetology school *40 hours a week* I also worked full time *another 40* in a job that I HATED
now he makes enough money that I can only work one job and really concentrate on MY career

**ravenmaniac** · 03-20-2008, 08:54 PM

I understand what you mean. My husband makes more money than I do and has good health care benefits. I love my job but when I get home I'm exhausted. (I have hypothyroidism.) I am responsible for most of the cooking, cleaning, and laundry. When it comes to the kids we share responsibility equally. when they were younger it was more like 60/40 but overall he's helpfull. I enjoy caring for my family but it can be overwhelming when you work outside the home. Now I have my teenage kids and husband help with the general clean up of the house so I can cook and clean up faster. It leaves a little bit of time for me to do things I like.

**M55FF** · 03-20-2008, 09:36 PM

I feel its about the choices you make when entering into a relationship and who you choose to be your partner as well as what you bring to the table...
if things are going to be fair or not ( usually, not always).
Not saying things are always 50/50 but if you choose a partner based on their
partnership and values which are similair to yours, there should not be much conflict or resentment... the things that destroy relationships.
It is very unfortunate that we are usually very young when we marry and partner up, sometimes with maturity and time, life experiences we would not marry the same person over again.

I married young, divorced quickly and did not marry again for 30 years
( maybe some shell shock?.. lol) ...

but............this time........... I got it right !

**suki** · 03-21-2008, 01:49 AM

Aww, you're a newlywed! Congratulations!

I agree, it's all about being true partners in a relationship. It works well for hubby and me!

**Siebrie** · 03-21-2008, 05:18 AM

In a basically white Western Europe, I'll always be the one making the most money. I'm also the one to know best where to get the best pay for my skills (international secretary). The bonus is that with living in internationally oriented, multicultural cities, my dark African fiance has a better chance of better jobs too. So far, it has all worked out well.

We share the load of housework. He does most of the cooking and cleaning, I do the laundry and ironing. We shop together. We talk about basic household chores, money, savings, the coming baby, etc A LOT and that helps to keep us on the same track (which was pretty similar to start with anyway).

I can only wholeheartedly agree with the poster who said that agreement in moneymatters is one of the most important things to look for in a partner

**EarthGirl517** · 03-21-2008, 11:32 AM

Well I guess some people read more into my post than I intended. I am happily married and we do have the same views on money and most other things. When he is transferred, we always talk it over first and decide what is best. Once we sell our home, I am going to school to become an RN and he is totally supportive.

I only posted because I was frustrated, as I start a new job on Monday and am having trouble with the childcare. However, he was sweet enough to take next week off while the kids are on Spring Break. This is my second marriage and I definitely learned my lesson the first time (husband was 14 years older and we did not share the same ideals).

I was just venting for a moment is all.

**Athena31** · 03-23-2008, 09:59 PM

Yes and no yes it stinks to be mom while working and it stinks that we often get paid less as a female for the same job that a man does. But on the flip side I know I am valued at my job for the quaity of work I do sand I have never had issues if I have to leave for a sick kid or whatever. Myabe it depends more on the employer than the job per say, as far as how things go and how we feel as a female employee?