Why have you chosen to be childfree?

[mercurialmaven]

Why did you choose not to have children and how have people reacted?

DH and I have always known that we didn't want children, so we were very happy to find each other. We still get a lot of well meaning comments about how we "have time" or will change our minds, etc., but we just smile politely and know that we won't.

Luckily my inlaws think we're "smart" so we don't have to contend with the guilt of not giving them grandchildren.

My fiancee and I both want to dedicate our lives to just being with each other and enjoying our years in peace. A lot of people see children as these joyful bundles; but we both see them as sacrifices, lost income, depreciating assets. It's not that we don't like children, we can observe them and feel that wonder of childhood, but we have no desire to have devote our lives to something that will be dependent on us for 18+ years.

Sure our cats could live that long, but cats are something entirely different all together.

Yes I know what you mean about people assuming you're going to "change your mind." It's infuriating. I've been called "selfish" and "odd" for being a woman with no maternal instinct. *shrug* I know I've definitely lost relationships when I had to tell guys that I had no interest in having children and no, I don't want to adopt either.

Like you, I was really happy to find my fiancee as it's so difficult to find men that GENUINELY don't want kids. Sure a lot of them act all commitment-phobic and like having kids is the scariest thing ever- but the reaction when you say "That's great! I never want any!" is often priceless. LMAO!

[acox68]

My reasons for being childless are 1) I lived with a father that had addictions and was mean/controlling, 2) my mother would have rather been out with her friends when I was growing up than me, and 3) I have bipolar disorder and didn't want to possibly pass it down to my kids.

The first 2 reasons I have dealt with in therapy for 20 years, but the last one is very physical. Besides that, I wouldn't have been able to take my medications during pregnancy, and I really don't know how I or the potential baby would have fared. Luckily, DH has never wanted children either.

As some other posters have said, I never felt comfortable playing with baby dolls as a kid. I didn't know what to do with them, and nurturing doesn't come naturally to me. Whenever I hold a baby in my arms, I'm a nervous wreck which usually leads to them crying. LOL

Every time I go to an event where I see people I used to go to church with, the first question they always ask is "how many children do you have?" When I say none, I get the oddest reactions. I don't even bother to expain because I fear they wouldn't understand anyway.

[shamrock_moon]

I have never been comfortable around kids. I think they are cute & can be funny at times but its just not a cup of tea. I have a neice that I spoil rotten & pseudo neices & nephews (kids of my friends) that I also spoil rotten but that is all. I am the cool "aunt"...LOL.
I could never imagine bringing a child in this world. I haven't really learned to take care of myself really...why would I want to drag a kid thru that?
As for my family...my mom & dad are fine with it. My extented family think there is something wrong with me not to want to procreate. They talk about me behind my back. My friends support my decision...but think I will change my mind. Its not going to happen.

[handerson2005]

Right now, we're CFBC and plan to be for about 4 more years. We were 25 & 26 when we got married 5 yrs ago and the timing just didn't feel right. It still doesn't feel right and we're now 30 & 31.

We just knew that we weren't ready. We love to travel, both have jobs that keep kind of crazy hours that would require a kid to be in daycare for 12+ hours (which isn't ideal to us), and just don't want the responsibility of a kid right now. We know full well that our lives will change completely when we have a kid and we want to be sure that that's OK with us before just jumping in. As hard as I worked to get where I am today in my career, I want to stay at home. Knowing that, we need to get our finances in order. There's no reason we can't live off of my husband's salary, we just need to get there.

All of this being said, I LOVE my nephews and niece. As their auntie, I can do things their parents can't... like spoil the crap out of them and then hand them back. At the end of the day, I'm not responsible for changing the diapers, getting them to sleep, feeding them, or worrying about college funds. I'm just responsible for loving them and providing a good role model. Plus, they go home with their parents.

So, I guess the answer is, we're CFBC for now because we want to be and we're not in any hurry to not be. When the time comes, we'll figure it out, but until then, we're enjoying the ride!

[madhen]

My sister brought her son over for Christmas Eve last night, and I just have to wonder about him. He is in his early twenties now, overweight, because all he does is play video games ALL day and night (no job, never had one, doesn't want one), and he shows up with two toy cars and a Gameboy. Wears his stupid bluetooth earpiece at the table. The only time he joins in the conversation is to talk about gaming, then he makes a couple of negative comments about the food, and moves into the livingroom to play on his Gameboy while the rest of us continue to sit at the table. We open presents, and he never says thank you, although it is obvious that he enjoys at least one of his presents quite a lot, and when the family leaves, he doesn't say goodbye or thank you, but just mentions that he'll take a root beer for the road. I'm starting to wonder if he a little "off", and while I hope I would do much better, had I decided to be a parent, I can't help but be glad that I don't have something like THAT living in MY house!

[chickadee-7815]

Sounds like this guy needs to learn some social skills. Although, I know a couple teenage boys that behave much the same way.

[LuLuBleen]

Sounds like this guy needs to learn some social skills.

Probably too late now. He should have been properly socialized at a much younger age than his 20's. I'd be extremely surprised if he ever gets his act together. Really, why should he when what he's currently doing works so well for him .

Sorry for your sister, Mad Hen. But, yay for you!

[greekislandgirl]

My reasons for being childfree:

- I am a pretty phobic person, and some of my phobias include pregnancy and anything having to do with vomit (whether it's me or someone else). Both things that tend to go along with babies. (If anyone else has an actual phobia you'll know how hard it is to overcome that.)

- I don't like babies or small children. I really enjoy the company of kids age 6 and up, but the younger a child is, the more distant I feel from it. I can't feel interested in a person who seems (to me anyway) so boring and devoid of personality.

- I teach (not young children though) so I am in contact with kids all the time, and I feel like I "give back" in that way.

- My husband has always said since we first met that he has no preference whatsoever and believes that it is 100% a woman's decision if and when to have a child, and he is completely fine with having none, one, or more, but he's leaving it up to me.

- My parents don't want grandchildren particularly. They wouldn't mind, but they would NEVER pressure us. My in laws want to, but they don't dare say anything because that's not the kind of relationship they have with my husband (or me).

- After teaching special education (autism, tourette's, OCD, ADHD, etc) I am not willing to parent a special needs child. Maybe that sounds awful but I remember how exhausting it was and how hard it was to deal with them, and after dealing with their parents, many of whom were totally overwhelmed and unhappy. I have two very close friends, both of whom have autistic children, and while one of them is fantastic about it, the other has allowed it to eat her whole and she is miserable and depressed. Recognizing how widespread autism is, I have this nagging fear that if I had a child, it would have autism, and I just can't deal with it.

But the most important reason of all is just that I LOVE the dynamic between my husband and me - I LOVE how our family of two works, and I don't want to change it. My husband and I are desperately in love and spend hours every day just being really really close and there's no room for anyone else in that. There's no way I'd ever be as happy as I am now, if we lost that.

[JessieJames]

I never considered NOT having kids until I met my husband. I always figured it would just happen eventually. I was 20 and he was 32 when we met (big age gap but my parents loved him and it turned out he's my soulmate, which is a word I don't use lightly, so, yeah.) I asked if he had any kids and he said he didn't have any and didn't want any, and my knee-jerk reaction was, "OMG, you can DO that?" I has never entertained the idea because the thought had never occurred to me.

Fast forward 4 1/2 years: we're now married and I spent about three years since we met debating with myself whether I wanted them, TRULY wanted them or not. It turned out I didn't. When I made my decision, it was like this terrible weight was lifted off of my shoulders.

The deciding factor was a few things: money was a big one. Nothing stresses me out like money, and we're at a point in our life where we're comfortable and have a nicely padded account. Having kids is like voluntarily creating a money pit that you love to pieces and would never consider scrimping on (which is how it should be, to a point). The second big one was that I just didn't feel the need to have them. The only real reason you should have kids is if you want them, and I simply don't.

I love kids to death. I love love love my nephew and my little niece who is still on the way. I am the first in line to volunteer to babysit. But here's the thing: I can give them back. It's nice. My home is quiet and welcoming. Our vacations are centered around warm beaches and relaxation rather than cartoon-ish theme parks. My cost of living is low.

I'm interested to know how other people came to their decision

[FridayAngel]

I just say it was god's decision not ours..I really wanted a child for years and years
I tried several years just never happened

and i cant see adopting a child and the child stuck in daycare..
in a new city/ new family.. all day.. because we both need towork..

If its ment to be it would..

[jacqueline]

It kinda chose me and I went along with it.
My ex husband had already had kids and didn't want any more and after we divorced I didn't trust anyone to stay with me to raise kids. I saw too many of my friends doing it alone and decided I would never do that.
I have my cat babies and I love them!

[MTS04]

I've never had that "mommy" instinct. I would probably be the bad parent that lets a child run with scissors and thinks that it's safe, etc... Then as "luck" would have it, I had a hysterectomy at an early age, so even if I wanted to try, it's impossible.

DH said, as we discussed kids, "I don't want an anchor with a diaper on it". Understood. He doesn't want to be tethered by a child's needs.

So, we get to do things any time of year, during the school season or out of it. We can pack up and leave on a whim and come and go as we please. It works for us.

[cadamsgis]

I got my tubes tied when I was 34. I was glad to find a doctor who would do it. When I used to ask about it when I was younger I kept getting the you'll change your mind speech from doctors. I had actively used birth control since I was 16.

I've never been very maternal.

Both my sisters had their kids way early. one at 16 the other at 18. We are only two years apart so I was very young when I became an aunt. Being an aunt works well for me - help out and be involved when you want and give them back when you’re done.

I don't dislike kids just never wanted any.

It's kind of weird I knew I never wanted kids with my first husband and he agreed. My second husband we talked about it for a short time but one day coming home to our sick dog who had vomited all over himself and his house - we realized that we didn't want that kind of forever responsibility that comes with kids.

I found a doctor who agreed to tie my tubes even with no children. When I went in for the procedure they kept asking me if I was sure are you sure... well little did I know that marriage would fall apart.

When I first meet my current husband (it's starting to sound like I have a problem with keeping husbands doesn't it). I told him within our second date that I was fixed just like my dog and I wasn't ever going to have children. He knew and wanted to continue the relationship. Well turns out we are fabulous together. He has a son back in Mexico and would absolutely love to have several more children with me. But every time he brings it up - I tell him he knows that I can't and he has known that from the start.

His family has mentioned kids to us and he just tells them I can't have them. He is one of 9 kids. they think it's a bit wierd to not have kids.

My mom used to tell me that not all women are meant to have kids and that was fine. My family all know that it was seriously unlikely that I would ever have kids

About 3 months ago his brother, wife and 2 kids needed a place to live so we rent them our basement - so know I have a 2 year old and a 4 year old living with me. I love it - the fun parts and all the work parts I leave to their mom. My sister told me that she was impressed I'd let little kids live with me. The way she said it was like I'm some sort of monster or something - I don't dislike kids just never wanted my own

And I was never one to go with you'll feel different after you have your own business - what if I didn't feel different....

I am happy with my decision. I just turned 40.

there have been about 4 people who have had kids at work in the last 3 years - whenever they start in on me as to having kids I just reply - not me I got fixed just like my dog...

[dancemommy]

My sister brought her son over for Christmas Eve last night, and I just have to wonder about him. He is in his early twenties now, overweight, because all he does is play video games ALL day and night (no job, never had one, doesn't want one), and he shows up with two toy cars and a Gameboy. Wears his stupid bluetooth earpiece at the table. The only time he joins in the conversation is to talk about gaming, then he makes a couple of negative comments about the food, and moves into the livingroom to play on his Gameboy while the rest of us continue to sit at the table. We open presents, and he never says thank you, although it is obvious that he enjoys at least one of his presents quite a lot, and when the family leaves, he doesn't say goodbye or thank you, but just mentions that he'll take a root beer for the road. I'm starting to wonder if he a little "off", and while I hope I would do much better, had I decided to be a parent, I can't help but be glad that I don't have something like THAT living in MY house!

That sounds to me like there is something more going on then the boy just being rude. I think it sounds like Aspergers. It may not be entirely his fault...yes, being socially polite is very important, but this sounds off to me. He might not be capable of it.

[alternativelyfrugal]

I don't get asked a lot why we never had kids. It's all sort of implicit in the fact we say we didn't want them.

Childfree is an expression I hadn't heard before. I can see the point its trying to make. I think if you're surrounded on all sides by families with children, it may drive you to think of yourself in those terms, but we never had that kind of life.

I think thirty years ago people had to spend a lot more time justifying their choices - not today though.