MIL strikes again...

[JanieD]

Families can be quite different in how they discuss matters & accept choices. My relationship w/MIL has changed quite a bit recently (not related to our childfree choice). However, she'd be thrilled for us to "change our minds". Perhaps we'll slip up or something... "cause that other couple was childfree, but now love having one".

Maybe I take certain comments too seriously. It does bother me that she hasn't accepted our decision. DH feels we've been quite clear on the subject for years. We do not want kids & that's that. Most no longer ask since we've been married for 18 years.

[Samigirl]

It's good you decided against lying to her about it. That would open up a whole new can of worms. She'd probably start pressing you about getting infertility treatments or adopting a baby.

[heartofmine]

I think its best that your dh sit down with his parents and have a heartfelt talk with them explaining that the 2 of you have decided to remain child free. If she doesn't know and know one is saying anything she probably expects to have grandchildren. She may not intentionally mean to be pushy but just excited at the prospect of grandchildren. I know I long to someday have grandchildren and neither of my 2 are even dating. Both are finishing college. My daughter teases me when I see a baby and says "there she goes again getting that grandma look in her eyes." I hope your dh talks to them soon so you all can get passed this and go on with your lives. Good luck.

[mndtrp]

Either politely and tactfully telling her your feelings, or having your husband do it himself, should work out fine.

[greekislandgirl]

It may be a cultural issue as well- I assume you are an American living in Greece? Perhaps in Greece this is a natural role for the MIL to play, while in the states it's rude and pushy. My MIL was Hungarian and we ran into some cultural clashes here and there (and she was another one- 'oh, look how cute your 2 week old baby boy is...almost time to start on that girl we're hoping for!'). I always found a gentle yet firm honest statement would quiet her down- for a visit or two!

Khaski - yep, you got it - I'm 100% American, and she doesn't even speak a single word of English LOL!! The weird thing is that the birthrate in the US is far higher than it is in Greece. In the US it's more than 2 children per couple, whereas in Greece it's fewer than 2 children per couple - and people get married later too - but these are more recent demographic developments, like in the last 20 years, so she's not "used to" that I suppose. She does sometimes make the comments about how cute those baby shoes are or whatever... I do think a lot of it is just enthusiasm. She had two kids, both boys, and there's always that glimmer of hope that she could end up with a grandDAUGHTER.

.... I really want to have a great MIL / DIL relationship but how to do so when we have nothing in common?

I asked DH the other day something along the lines of "do you think your mom would be really disappointed if we told her we don't want to have kids?" He said "she probably wouldn't be YET, because she'd probably assume we would change our minds... but eventually yes." Meaning, she would just choose not to believe it hahaha.

[krbshappy71]

Hugs to you, how uncomfortable!

If it makes you feel any better, my own mother started "harrassing" my daughters about wanting GREAT-grandchildren when they were only just into high school. I could have killed her on the spot. Repeatedly. This happened repeatedly!!! In front of me, in front of everyone including my daughters, she would talk about MY children having babies!! NO! She would also say to me, in front of them, all sweetly sickening, "But don't you want to be a grandma??" I flat out said, "No. My kids will not have kids for me. If they choose to have kids some day that's their choice but I want them to live life as THEY want it, not for me." ooh she was so mad when I did that but I had to stop the insanity, my girls were so young at the time, it was just wrong in my opinion for her to do that.

My daughters now joke about it to me and they do still get annoyed with their grandma but I have put a stop to it on my own part. I had to get firm a few times to get her to knock it off around me and it made her uncomfortable when I kept standing up for what I believed in but she did finally stop it.

Can you try non-commital comments such as, "Let's not discuss that now, I want to hear all about...." um, all about a tv show she watches? A store she went to recently? I know its difficult when you don't know the other person well. All about another family member?

Sometimes I pretend I didn't hear a comment and launch into a topic, it works really well unless the person is super perisistant but if you do it a couple of times right in a row they usually get the picture. Hugs, ugh, uncomfortable.

[greekislandgirl]

Wow, pushing for great-grandchildren, that takes the cake! My DH has a grandmother who is 86, she's quite a handful herself. She sat me down and gave me a LONG and TEARFUL talk on how never to take my husband for granted (her husband, for whom mine is named, died in his 60s, most people in the family think it was because she nagged him to death!). It was a little awkward but since it's actually something I agree with, I could handle it. The thought of her going on about great-grandchildren makes my hair stand on end. (She actually said to me, "You've always been fat, haven't you?" I'm a size 8, and I'm tall, too. Not skinny, never claimed to be, but not really fat enough to comment on, I don't think. LOL.)

[Ramona]

I'm with the others who suggest that your DH talk to her. The DIL/MIL relationship is difficult enough without one of them forcing an issue.

You may never have an ideal relationship with her, particularly if it's centered on giving her a grandchild, so accepting that fact may be the thing to do.