unusual, kid, christmas question please

toile · 09-06-2008, 09:53 AM

I have gotten myself into a parenting pickle in the "keeping my word" area...

My son is constantly bullied and no one will help us. It's a long multi year nightmare.
Some bullies are dealt with swiftly, especially if they are new to the area. But the other bullies are allowed to get away with murder year after year after year.

My son replies to the bullying by saying "shut up" or whatever.
When my son replies to the bully, the school then considres him an equal partner grrrrrrrrr.

Also, the staff chat with my son he tells them point blank that they "do not help him", "they wont do anything to so and so", and "so and so is allowded to get away with murder", or "teacher A does so and so all day long and doesnt notice the bullying or other chaos".
The staff is VERY offended with my sons honesty to them....

Heres my pickle...
We instructed our son to:
1. NEVER respond to the bullies and let their actions hang themselves.
2.To pretend the bullies are invisable and literally ignore anything and everything with what we call "poker face"
3.To report to staff when bullying happens (this is a MAJOR struggle for him, for a few reasons)
4. Not to be so honest with staff and his thoughts on how they are handling things. We tried to teach him that this small town is quite political and the "who is who" is so obvious its written about in the paper....We have explained he is to bite his tounge even when they ask him questions.
(I wish they would stop asking him questions like "what was teacher A doing while this happened, because he WILL answer them then they get offended????)

My delimma is his dream Christmas gift was based on these 4 guidelines.

He kept falling for the bullies trap by letting them engage him, and he was honest with 2 staff who he feels chronically have overlooked the same bully.....

Part of me feels rules are rules...
So no dream present that he so desires.
The part if me feels this matter is quite complicated and Im punishing him for having "feelings" over being bullied.

Again, just for the record, these rules were a desperate way for us to seek help from the school.....

help.....

**momof2joys** · 09-06-2008, 10:22 AM

Have you tried talking to the principal??? Or a school counsler???

If I were you, I would adjust the guidelines, but only between you and dh, that way your son still knows the original guidelines, but you and dh will be able to see if he is really trying or if he has done everything possible and it is now falling on the school!!!

We had a problem similiar to this last school year. My step daughter was getting picked on and made fun of last year, and every time she tried to tell her teacher her teacher out punish her. I also found out that the school had sent home letters to the "bullies" parents letting them know about what they were doing to my step daughter, but we never recieved anything about her being picked on!! GGGRRRRRRRR!!! We found out about it after school was out and I was talking with another parent!!

My question is this, how are kids suppose to get some where in life, when the people who are suppose to help them succed are the ones who are allowing others to bully?

I know my step daughter's self esteem was hurt and she never talk to us about it, I would guess that's because she always had gotten in trouble before!!

toile · 09-06-2008, 10:53 AM

Thanks Momof2,
Do you mean adjust as in maybe letting him get his gift still?

I didnt want to bore you all or report what we have been through.
I have dealt with:
an atty
an advocate that works for an atty
several professional doctors counselors
All admins/counselors/teachers from elementaty now middle
The school super
the director of the spec ed dept
the state
the local police -through a filed police report

The only reason we no longer have an atty is financial reasons.

After all this, our son is still bullied all day long.
So far, this year though, the number if bullies are reduced.
Some seemed to have moved away, some went to HS.
The students I asked my son to be separated from seek him out still. Usually the issues progresses as school goes on and mass bullying usually starts.

The school wants our son to do a contract with them on "reporting".
The thing is contracts wont work in this situation.
He is VERY confused on just what, when, and how much to report.
The chronic small stuff that builds, the harrassment, or just the bruises and assaults?
He also HATES missing class because it always effects his grades by missed notes.
It's not reasonable to miss that much school time?
I don't think the school gets that this goes on ALL DAY long grrrrrrr.
If he reported everything, they will simply ignore him as background noise?!

When he does report, the one kid that gets away with murder, amps up by stealing his things, destroying them, trashing them, and by writing sexual slurs on the bathroom walls.
The boy is on a current kick of saying my son is gay and gives wayyyyyy too many gross stories for someone his age?
He also tells everyone my son was in jail last year.
I posted here that we used a private school las year to AVOID this bully grrrrr.

Whats even sadder is this boy attends the only church that has a great youth group. He bullies my son there too so we cant attend.
His parents seem to busy to care about either of their combined step family kids....In fact the boy comes to school and tells the other kids that if my sons mom (me) "got a job" it would fix everything and he could get away with more. He constantly tells my son how his mother works and I dont? I dont think the kids gets the socio ecomics of our home, our salary, the fact I dont have to work versus his familys situation of having to or chosing to have a working mommy?

I actually have a little job now but that beside the point......

This kid also harrasses my other girls, even our baby.
He is obcessed thats shes adopted from Chi876Na and constantly makes rude comments.
My other daughter is forced to be around him for an activity and he pretends to have sex with every object in the room. It's SO GROSS.

We have 4 years of journals of what this kid has done to our son each and every day of school. The legal advice was to journal everything.

I just don't see why some kids are allowed to get away with murder.
I really don't.......

Another child would have received severe punishment back 4 years ago when this started??????

What's so frustrating is some of the teachers really care and want to help and I THOUGHT the counselor cared. I now see her actions are more for show and she's not really invested in helping..... She had me fooled and now we have all new teachers....

**frugalbabe** · 09-06-2008, 11:14 AM

Ummm respectfully I think your guidelines need to be changed. It sounds to me like you have an unusually bright, mature son and that is enough of a difference to make him a target. He SHOULD be able to be honest with teachers, he should be able to count on them to be proactive when they see abuse. Obviously he can't so maybe he needs to be taught how to defend himself. I would recommend enrolling him in something like karate great physically, and for a huge self-confidence boost. By just having him be quiet and hope that the teachers suddenly take action puts him in such a passive position. I would also have some tough talks with the teachers they need to be taking control of what their students are doing the safety and well being of the students IS their responsibility (they may need to be reminded of that). ahhhhh childhood we idealize it but there are some reasons (like this) that actually make me glad I am an adult now!
Huge hugs you are in such a hard spot right now and it is hearbreaking to see our kids go through such torment.

**Moor** · 09-06-2008, 11:16 AM

get in touch with a local tv station.
give them all the info that you have, if they won't do it, then go to a tv station in another close town.
not sure what state you live in, but i am sure, if the media got a hold of this, then something is going to be done about it.
also, make sure that you let the tv station know that you have tried going through the proper channels, but that hasn't worked.
make sure that you have the police report, all of your journal's, and all documentation when you contact them.

**lunarstar9** · 09-06-2008, 11:25 AM

Get him his dream gift! In a situation like that Im not sure I could behave "perfectly".

**ladykemma2** · 09-06-2008, 11:31 AM

get him self defense classes, and let your son beat the crap out of him, off school property.
my question is - why is he still in the same class?
i would sue the parents of the bully, the school really what can they do???

**forHISglory** · 09-06-2008, 11:39 AM

In reference to Moor, our local station recently ran a series of special reports on school bullies. It's certainly worth the try.

At the church you mentioned, have you talked with the pastor or youth pastor? If not, I would do so.

Have you considered homeschooling? Might not be an option for you, but if it is, it would buy some time to allow separation between the bully and your son.

As far as the gift, I would not put conditions on it. When there are conditions, then it is no longer a gift. You might want to give rewards for each of your conditions being met. If you do change your mind about the conditions being met, I suggest that you sit down and be honest with your son. You don't want him to think that you just arbitrarily change your mind. Let him know that you are trying to help, and that sometimes things don't work out the way you thought they would. Your son sounds like the type of kid who will understand.

**happimommi** · 09-06-2008, 11:45 AM

I think in a situation like that I would pull my kids out of school and homeschool. If the school can't protect your child, what can you do? We had a situation where a teacher was bullying our then 11yr old DD. The principal wouldn't do anything and convinced us to keep her in school. Biggest mistake I have ever made. Luckily we move out of state during the summer, but 5 years later this still affects her.
We also had some issues with a bully and our 13 DS last year. We were lucky to have the school on our side for the most part, but the problem didn't stop until my DS fought back.
Good luck, I hope things get better for you.

**Moor** · 09-06-2008, 11:53 AM

i have always told my kids, to walk away if you can, but if you can't, make sure the other person throws the first punch and then you can claim self defense.
i try my best to walk away, but there are times when you just really have to stand up for yourself. i am not advocating violence here, but sometimes enough is enough!

**shoiji** · 09-06-2008, 01:49 PM

I would enroll your child in a self-defense class. Not so he can beat people up but to help him with self-confidence and understanding when to walk away. Your son needs some type of constructive outlet for his emotions. Any chance of tape recording the insults and making a video of the bullies behavior. Seems it would be more proof of the instability of the bully. Plus the local station would have more to show the public.

I truly hope you get this situation taken care of soon. Sending you warm thoughts to you, your son and your family.

**Jskell911** · 09-06-2008, 02:13 PM

Toile, I am sure you have mentioned that your son is an Aspie just like mine is. That said, some of those guidelines are a little stringent for him. YES, you should have the guidelines, but keep in mind his lack of tact is a strong part of the Aspergers. It is something he should and must work on, but will never come easy to him.

As to the school, I would absolutely put my foot down! There is no way in H**L I would put up with their lackluster performance in this area. Your son needs their protection, not their censure. If they do not understand, then they must be educated. Get him on a 504 at the least, an IEP in a perfect world. His diagnosis guarantees him this and fight for it! They need to understand his special needs.

I understand many will tell you homeschooling is the answer, and it may be. I know in my instance it just isn't feasable and that may be your case as well. If they will not protect or understand him, then look up child advocates in your area and get one involved. They will make sure the school understands what to them looks like "just a hysterical mother" (which you are not!)

As to the gift, if he has honestly shown that he is trying to the best of his ability, then I would go ahead and get it. Also after he has received it, chat with him and let him know that you got it not because he succeeded, but because you were proud of his efforts.

**annertak** · 09-06-2008, 02:18 PM

Originally Posted by toile

Also, the staff chat with my son he tells them point blank that they "do not help him", "they wont do anything to so and so", and "so and so is allowded to get away with murder", or "teacher A does so and so all day long and doesnt notice the bullying or other chaos".
The staff is VERY offended with my sons honesty to them....

Sheesh, do you live in my town????? I am so sick of hearing adults at the schools whine because a child has 'offended' them! I, too, have an outspoken daughter who has told her teachers, many times and to their faces, when they are not teaching her, or when she is not learning from them. I have gotten several calls from teachers who were 'offended' by my daughter's rudeness. lol She was simply being honest! I have always told her that their jobs are to teach her, and her job is to learn. She takes her education very seriously! There was not one case where she yelled at them, or said anything rude, it was just her 'tone'. They need to grow up! If they were doing their jobs, they wouldn't feel the need to defend themselves to a child, or the child's parents! There was one case where the teacher would spend the whole class period talking about video games, and even brought in his X-Box & spent the whole class playing with the boys in the class. This was high school advanced algebra! My DD called him on it, he called me & told me she was rude, I asked if he really talked about (and played) video games during class, and he admitted that he did. He was the one teacher who actually listened & changed. My DD grew to respect him more. (FYI, my DD is 18 now, and going off to college in two weeks. She was also voted 'Miss Congeniality', as well as princess in our local pageant, so she can't be too rude! LOL!)

I say get him the Christmas present. If he's not getting the support at school, he needs you to back him up!

**LuvMyHubby** · 09-06-2008, 03:50 PM

Originally Posted by ladykemma2

get him self defense classes, and let your son beat the crap out of him, off school property.
my question is - why is he still in the same class?
i would sue the parents of the bully, the school really what can they do???

LOL, I wanted to echo this sentiment but thought I would be considered a bad mother.

My daughter also not bullied, did not put up with the bullying of others and in high school, did indeed beat the snot out of a girl who for months physically and emotionally tormented another much smaller girl. My daughter go suspended but I was proud that she stood up for someone who could not stand up for themselves.

I was bullied in school and wished that I had the presence of mind and ability to stand up for myself, but I didn't and have self esteem issues still.

I say get the kid his Christmas gift and self defense lessons.

**ladykemma2** · 09-06-2008, 04:05 PM

Originally Posted by LuvMyHubby

LOL, I wanted to echo this sentiment but thought I would be considered a bad mother.

My daughter also not bullied, did not put up with the bullying of others and in high school, did indeed beat the snot out of a girl who for months physically and emotionally tormented another much smaller girl. My daughter go suspended but I was proud that she stood up for someone who could not stand up for themselves.

I was bullied in school and wished that I had the presence of mind and ability to stand up for myself, but I didn't and have self esteem issues still.

I say get the kid his Christmas gift and self defense lessons.

i teach high school. honestly there is nothing the school can do. they don't see the bullying. unless he is special ed, i mean, really, are you going to escort the child to the bathroom? walk him to the bus? no.

this bully is too smart. i say -- go after the parents. one good lawsuit slapped on them and the bullying will stop.

anyway, last year a girl was getting bullied by a male student, relentless picking on, went on all year. in the spring, one of my male students "lost it" and attacked the bully in the cafeteria defending the lady. all involved were suspended.

when my student came back, the class stood in respect when he entered the room. including me.