A lot of changes for Christmas 2009 - a ramble.

[Dutchie]

Some (for us) major changes in our family for Christmas this year.
I won't say that I am having real trouble dealing with it, more like, we have to find new traditions. It almost seems like a couple of the kids are having more issues with this than I am but to find the new 'way' that is what is giving me the headache.
The story.
As long as we have been married (32 years) we have gone to church on Christmas eve and then to my parents in law (all nearby) for coffee, festive cake and then champagne (MMM!!!) with homemade things that it seems only my MIL can make really well.

Before we had kids we opened our pressies there and went home. (DH's brother and sister plus their families were also there.) After a whle this evolved and we still went to church and then to my parents in law and then home so that we could open pressies the next morning with our kids. (After a while this got even more complicated since we also a son who was born on Christmas day.)

For about 10 years we have had the same tradition (church/parents in law etc.) except that after coming home on Christmas eve we have a party just with our kids (and later with their so's), opening pressies and having LOADS of fun, with something nice to drink and eat. Most of our kids say that this is the highlight of their entire year. It is a time for everyone to get together and really enjoy themselves. Everybody buys a gift for each other with a maximum of $15. (We buy a larger gift for them all.)
Last year a nephew and niece plus her dh also joined us at the last moment. (Thank goodness I always have extra gifts in my gift cupboard.)
Fast forward to this year.
Our oldest son has just got married and they have decided that they will not be joining us for this event (OK I had to swallow a couple of times but I know that they have to make their own traditions for themselves - the rest of the kids consider them spoilsports and don't understand).
My parents in law (in particular my fil) have been living on borrowed time for years and have decided that they want to take a cruise for Christmas so there will be no going to their house after church.
Also the niece has said that she would like to join us again (she has split from her dh) plus our nephew and his so.
So we are hoping to have a family meeting sometime this week to decide what we are going to do.

I don't think that I handle change very well since I feel quite sad about the whole thing.
I am welcome to suggestions (please be kind) since we will be creating new family tradtions this year.
I just needed to ramble and get my thoughts down - so to speak.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.

[Debbie-cat]

It is difficult when your children grow up, marry and start their own traditions on holidays. I am glad to hear that you are taking it so well.

When I first married we sorted out where we were going and when at Christmas (my Mom and his parents did NOT get along) and that continued until we had our son. Then we wanted to start our own traditions with him. The guilt that both sides of the family made us feel was horrible! So with that said, I am glad to see that you are accepting your son's decision.

I would suggest dutchie that you continue with the tradition of having everyone over on Christmas Eve after church and who shows, shows. It is still early in the year and your son and new wife might change their minds and show up after all. I would make it clear that they are always welcome (I wouldn't be surprised if they show up later in the evening....knowing how much fun they are missing). It is going to be a big adjustment for them as well...and a little sad, I am sure.

As far as your in-laws go, I would set another date that you can still visit and share treats with them.....maybe the day before they go on their cruise. It won't be the same but at least you will all be together.

I am sure all will work out and you will have a fabulous Christmas with your family.

[craftypam]

I sooo understand. My ds just got married this year; but last Christmas he did not come to our house for Christmas Day and the other 2 sons also did not like it either. I also have a hard time dealing with change especially where getting together with family is concerned. I guess we just have to have our normal changed with the kids growing up. I am very glad that at least so far mine all still live close. I would have a harder time with that.

[abbeegiggles]

Hi, my name is Jeannie. I am new to this site. I just read your post. We are in the same boat. Though we only have two boys, our oldest got married in June.

Her parents live here in town. When the come to town for the weekend, we will see her for maybe 4 hours, my son will spend maybe 8 hrs. with us. Very interesting. I have a tough time with change.

While raising my boys, Dr. James Dobson's books were a lot of help. I knew I was raising them to let them go when they finally got their own lives. However, I did not take into account a dil who would not be as eager as I was to spend time with the family.

Her dad's b-day is 12/14 so I understand the big deal on that day/night.

I am praying that this year, things will go smoothly. Though, I will have some help with this as I have a relationship with her Grandma. I don't want to use that against her. Nana is a wise and wonderful woman.

Thanks for reading this long l post, and letting me share.

I am still learning how this site works. For now, it seems there is a lot to learn!

[mauimagic]

Hugs to you all. Change is difficult for most people - you are wise enough to know that it is a challenge.

I agree with Debbie to go along with your usual traditions and enjoy who comes!!

[perSue]

I'm sorry this is so hard for you.
However, I think it's a good thing.
Sure, the coffee/cake after church is sorta blown... but why can't you have it at YOUR house?
No one will expect you to make the same stuff... so have a few sweets, but make it a brunch type of thing. Again, your own tradition.

I hope your parents-in-law have a wonderful time on their cruise... they deserve it, I'm sure! Bring a picture or ask to borrow a serving tray so that they'll be there in a way. Heck, why not see if you can get a favorite recipe from them?? This is super beneficial for them... be happy that they can have happy christmas for themselves.

So a kid can't come because he wants his own traditions in the family. That's ok too. Give him a call the day of... have him talk to several people at the get-together. Again, he'll be there in a way.

Not everyone can be there every year. I know that's hard, but it's reality. Having gifts for everyone, even if they're not there, shows that you have them in mind. They'll be mailed off later on... it makes it special... and people notice that.

The only "change" I think that you could make, is your mindset. It's still a happy time of year. There will still be people to visit, foods to enjoy, presents to exchange and stories told.

Appreciate that people are capable of doing what they want... whether it's going on a cruise, staying home or stopping by, even for a short while.

It will be ok.

New traditions are usually just adaptations of old ones. So take some of the 'old' ones... and modify them.
Talk to family and see if they want to go out to a family restaurant after church... if someone else wants to "sponsor" the coffee/cake after church at their house, or rent a pavilion at a park. Have everyone bring something, cake, deli tray, coffee cups, napkins, etc. (this may want to be organized so you dont end up w/a lot of napkins and no plates!)

If having coffee/cake feels wrong... then have a brunch or a full lunch. Bring a hot casserole to so&so's house after church... say 1 hr after it's over (enough time to go home, change clothes & pick up the food).

Again, I'd definitely see about borrowing mother in law's serving tray or punch bowl or whatever she uses... and at least 1 recipe. It shows respect... (imitation is the best form of flattery!)

I don't think this is an occasion to be sad or stressed over.
I can appreciate your sentimentality.... but it's more a celebration.

I hope this helps.

Lotsa hugs!