We have a bit of a Christmas dilemma

**Ponderer** · 12-11-2011, 10:48 AM

Originally Posted by Dutchie

My dh has decided the following (his sister etc. and also I am not the most diplomatic person in the world so in order to try and maintain peace within the family he is going to call his sister).

His reasoning - we are calling personally the people who are invited - did this with his brother.

He will call her and say that she and her son are invited for Christmas dinner.
Knowing her she will say that she wants the ex son in law to come but my dh is just going to tell her the reason and let her deal with it. Dh will be firm about it so that there is no chance that the ex son in law will turn up.
The reason why the ex son in law is not being called is actually because we want - as far as possible - to stay out of the whole matter.

Keep your fingers crossed please.
I'll let you know what happens.

What if she does not bring up the ex son in law but simply assumes? If she does not bring up that subject at all will your husband, just to make sure it is known and clear that he is not invited? I would absolutely positively have to have it addressed in the conversation either by answering her question or by bringing up the subject myself it if did not come up by her. Them showing up and him being along could be really really awkward and unnecessary. I would really encourage you to do this to avoid any question mark on the situation.

Good luck!!

**ladykemma2** · 12-11-2011, 10:52 AM

since when do guests invite guests?

**peanut** · 12-11-2011, 11:07 AM

Actually, I'd have DH phone the ex son-in-law direct. Man to man. They listen better to that. Let your SIL deal with whatever excuse the ex son-in-law wants to make. If she is likely to raise a stink in the family, which I assume is what you're trying to avoid, then have your DH phone both of them.

The thing is, I'm with ladykemma2 on this one, since when do guests invite guests? This just doesn't happen at our place for Christmas or any other holiday. It's my home and DH and I control the guest list.

**Libby** · 12-11-2011, 11:35 AM

I'd personally call and invite those you want at your home and explicitly emphasize that you're trying to keep a headcount so you'll know how much food to prep/serve and expect. If brazen enough, ask them to not invite others.

And expect unwanted guests and have a plan in place to escort them out or to turn them away at the door. Expect and plan for the worst and you won't be disappointed.

I hate family drama too. *hugs*

**Dutchie** · 12-11-2011, 12:14 PM

Originally Posted by ladykemma2

since when do guests invite guests?

All the time since I am known for always having my door open especially for the kids and their friends.

**Dutchie** · 12-11-2011, 12:22 PM

Originally Posted by Ponderer

What if she does not bring up the ex son in law but simply assumes? If she does not bring up that subject at all will your husband, just to make sure it is known and clear that he is not invited? I would absolutely positively have to have it addressed in the conversation either by answering her question or by bringing up the subject myself it if did not come up by her. Them showing up and him being along could be really really awkward and unnecessary. I would really encourage you to do this to avoid any question mark on the situation.

Good luck!!

Well we have had the call and this is exactly what happened. Both eldest son and I were in the room during the call and we were signing dh about this.
Dh thought he was clear when he said that sis and her son were invited.

Eldest son and I said afterwards that it wasn't clear enough since we know how she is.

However we do have another chance this Saturday since we will all be at dh's parents and eldest son has said that he will also be there since it has to be made clear and if necessary he will take it upon himself to MAKE sure that the situation is clear. The 'good' (ha ha) thing is that the ex son in law will possibly also be there.

Well - let the 'games' begin.
Nothing like a family argument to start the holidays with.

To be frank I don't care if it turns into an argument - as everyone says - a) he is not part of our family b) as tacky as it is - he is dating my ex daughter in law and she and my son have only been separated for 2 months and 3) we decide who comes into our house at all times.

Aw well - roll on next Sat!!
I'll let you know what happens.

**jas** · 12-11-2011, 12:32 PM

You would think the both of them would feel UNCOMFORTABLE showing up at your home together. If they don't there is something wrong with their sensitivity meter.

**Libby** · 12-11-2011, 01:14 PM

Your situation sounds similar to my family however with less people. We just expect the stupid Jerry Springer drama that comes with my oldest sister so when it does happen, we simply put our plan into action to squash it. Kind of like correcting an unruly child and reminding them of the acceptable boundaries.

Remember, you DO control who is welcome into your home and who is not. If they can't get the hint in advance, that's their issue. It IS still your home therefore, your rules. Do as you please

I am sending plenty of positive

that no more family drama happens for you over the holiday season.

**Syn D** · 12-12-2011, 01:22 AM

I'm coming across a lot of different odd situations this year (not mine, others.)

As I have told others ~ it is your home, and if you don't feel someone should be there, then their not! If she doesn't understand it, all you can say is sorry, but that's how it needs to be.

Not sure why so many people feel the need to explain themselves. You don't think it's a good idea, so simply the answer is no, he is not welcome.

Plus, can you be 100% certain he wont invite his girlfriend?

**bookwormpeg** · 12-12-2011, 12:56 PM

Let us know how it turns out....I hope they get the message without any drama.....holidays are stressful and you don't need more stress!!!

**Dutchie** · 12-12-2011, 02:19 PM

Originally Posted by bookwormpeg

Let us know how it turns out....I hope they get the message without any drama.....holidays are stressful and you don't need more stress!!!

I will and .........EXACTLY!!!!!

At this moment I am indeed very stressed.
I am trying to get everything sorted out for Christmas and frankly I don't give a s... any more what anyone outside the immediate family thinks as long as my house is peaceful haven at Christmas and my kids are all here having a great time.

I still have to teach till the 19th and then my 'vacation' will begin.
I do have the turkeys ordered (we can only buy very small turkeys at the store here and anything over 5 lbs has to be ordered) and regardless of who is coming or not I have my menu ready written down for Christmas Day and Christmas Eve.

Thanks for the input - I will definitely let you know what happens.

**Giro** · 12-12-2011, 02:47 PM

I wouldn't stress. I doubt that either of them were planning on coming to the party anyway. He doesn't sound lonely to me.

**Sibrie** · 12-13-2011, 10:58 AM

We have the opposite: sister's ex and his father always come to our family gatherings, because they are the father and grandfather of her eldest girl. (She re-married and had 2 more kids). This year, my parents are a bit late inviting them and my sister actively uninvited them to 'get back' at my parents. My parents will invite them, though, because they do not think my sister should decide who comes to their house. In general, we and the ex-laws get on fine, so I don't see why sis needs to create the commotion.

**Dutchie** · 12-13-2011, 11:10 AM

Originally Posted by Sibrie

We have the opposite: sister's ex and his father always come to our family gatherings, because they are the father and grandfather of her eldest girl. (She re-married and had 2 more kids). This year, my parents are a bit late inviting them and my sister actively uninvited them to 'get back' at my parents. My parents will invite them, though, because they do not think my sister should decide who comes to their house. In general, we and the ex-laws get on fine, so I don't see why sis needs to create the commotion.

(((HUGS))))

I think the problem here for now is the fact that it is all so fresh.
I think that in time things will straighten out but definitely not in time for Christmas this year.

My ex sister in law (dh's brother's ex wife) usually comes to birthday parties here and we go to their house too for the same parties however it did take some time for things to be like this.

**LuvMyHubby** · 12-14-2011, 08:22 AM

I would hope that the soon to be ex nephew and the ex wife would both have sense enough to realize that either of their smiling faces could cause a lot of hurt but if not then I'd have dh talk to him man to man and tell him that it is nothing personal but by dating your's sons ex, coming to your house would be not only awkward but hurtful and it might be better for him to stay away and relay this message to the sister too.

He may be a nice enough guy and there is usually two sides to the down fall of a marriage so I don't blame the sister for still having an affection for her ex son in law but she should know better than to lay any of it at your doorstep for your family to deal with.