We have a bit of a Christmas dilemma

**Dutchie** · 12-10-2011, 02:50 PM

I'll try and explain what is happening.

Our eldest son didn't want to have contact with us for a while during his marriage to his wife. They were married 2 years with MANY ups and downs but they have split up and our relationship with our eldest is finally becoming what it should be - after a LOT of hard work on our part.
The biggest problem that our son and his wife had was the fact that she is an alcoholic and he kept trying to work things out and help her. She didn't like the fact that he was trying to help her and ended the marriage.

Anyhow, as I said, our relationship with him is improving daily and we feel that things are finally getting back to normal.

Another family member is also splitting up, namely our only niece and her dh. Trouble is that the niece's hubby is very attached to our (extended) family and usually tags along to everything.
Our niece is leaving the country for Christmas and will be away for 4 weeks to literally get some space which leaves him here.

On Christmas morning all of our kids will be coming here for brunch (buffet style) during which we will open our gifts.

Later on in the day - around 5 pm some more of the family will be coming.

We have already asked dh's brother and his 3 kids and dh's sister will also be coming together with one of her sons (the brother of the niece who is fleeing the country for Christmas).

Dh's sister has already said that she thinks that niece's hubby should also come along since he will be lonely otherwise.

(We didn't really answer this but said that we would get back to her with all the details of who would be coming when etc. Christmas.)

We do not want the niece's hubby to come along because we have discovered that he is dating our son's (ex)wife and our son is having trouble with it. He refuses to be in the same house as him - which we do understand.

Trouble is that we still have to finalize details with dh's sister and she thinks that her daughter's ex will be welcome but he isn't and dh's sister was born without a backbone (KWIM) so will not want to/dare to tell the niece's dh.
This has the potential to turn nasty within the family but to be quite honest I will always choose - if necessary - for my son.

(Yeah I know - like a soap series.)

Any ideas anyone?

**oheoh's momma** · 12-10-2011, 02:59 PM

Your son always comes first of course. Hugs to you. I guess I am probably mean I would not invite him for that reason and explain it to him and others. hugs to u. God Bless Merry Christmas....

**monkeywrangler71** · 12-10-2011, 03:01 PM

Does your sister-in-law know that he is dating your son's ex-wife?

**madhen** · 12-10-2011, 03:38 PM

I would probably explain to her the situation, and say that it would just be too stressful to have the niece's ex-hubby there. Ultimately, it is your party and your choice who to invite.

If she feels it is unfair to leave him alone for the holidays (and if he as been a part of the family for a while, I can see that she might feel that way), she can opt to not come to your house, but to do something with her family and him for Christmas instead this year.

Personally, if I were him, I think I'd understand!

**Dutchie** · 12-10-2011, 03:44 PM

Originally Posted by monkeywrangler71

Does your sister-in-law know that he is dating your son's ex-wife?

To be quite honest I am not sure.
She is extremely gullible and doesn't see that her ex son in law flirts with anything in a skirt and will not hear anything bad about him.
(For example if we were to say this to her and he denied it saying it was just friendship - she would believe it even though we all know that it isn't.)

What we did do was talk with dh's brother about it and he says that we should just say it to her and let her deal with it.

However, the sister is the type who could say to her son in law that he should just turn up because we wouldn't turn him away - or she will possibly not say anything to him at all and just let him turn up and let us deal with it all - this is the type of person we are dealing with.

As I said - this has the potential to turn nasty within the family.

**madhen** · 12-10-2011, 03:57 PM

Dutchie, can you call the ex-hubby directly and just tell him he is not invited? It would resolve the question of whether he is just going to show up (which is stressful for everyone), and you could tell him nicely that his relationship with both your niece and your son's ex-wife makes his presence there awkward. You could make it sound like it is just for this year, since everything is still pretty fresh. He may get upset, but ultimately, I think he'd prefer hearing it from you in private rather than showing up and either being turned away or being allowed in but feeling that he isn't wanted.

**monkeywrangler71** · 12-10-2011, 04:55 PM

I think you need to do as Madhen says. Call him yourself and tell him he's not welcome (be as blunt or as polite as you wish). It doesn't sound like your SIL is cut out to be the middle man in these types of situations, so you risk major drama if you rely on her to relay the message.

Plus she's not ready to accept that this man is no longer her son, so it will probably cause some problems between you if you have to be the one to convince her that he's a cad.

**peppermint66** · 12-10-2011, 05:10 PM

I think you should tell the ex nephew to spend the holiday with Sons ex as their relationship is causing undue friction int he family, better all around for everyone.

**Ramona** · 12-10-2011, 05:22 PM

You are the host and, therefore, decide on the guest list.
Your house, your rules.

**jas** · 12-10-2011, 07:21 PM

Son comes first.

**Dutchie** · 12-11-2011, 03:12 AM

My dh has decided the following (his sister etc. and also I am not the most diplomatic person in the world so in order to try and maintain peace within the family he is going to call his sister).

His reasoning - we are calling personally the people who are invited - did this with his brother.

He will call her and say that she and her son are invited for Christmas dinner.
Knowing her she will say that she wants the ex son in law to come but my dh is just going to tell her the reason and let her deal with it. Dh will be firm about it so that there is no chance that the ex son in law will turn up.
The reason why the ex son in law is not being called is actually because we want - as far as possible - to stay out of the whole matter.

Keep your fingers crossed please.
I'll let you know what happens.

**frugalwarrior2** · 12-11-2011, 05:46 AM

ooh I wouldnt tell her anything. Not her party or house. Your house,your Ds.She could invite him over to her house too.
I would call Dbil and lay it out though. Tacky to date the ex anyway IMHO. All those people in the world and only she would do?

**steelergal** · 12-11-2011, 08:46 AM

Originally Posted by Dutchie

My dh has decided the following (his sister etc. and also I am not the most diplomatic person in the world so in order to try and maintain peace within the family he is going to call his sister).

His reasoning - we are calling personally the people who are invited - did this with his brother.

He will call her and say that she and her son are invited for Christmas dinner.
Knowing her she will say that she wants the ex son in law to come but my dh is just going to tell her the reason and let her deal with it. Dh will be firm about it so that there is no chance that the ex son in law will turn up.
The reason why the ex son in law is not being called is actually because we want - as far as possible - to stay out of the whole matter.

Keep your fingers crossed please.
I'll let you know what happens.

That sounds like a great idea! Your son and your "immediate" family comes first no matter what! I will say prayers that all should go well with your husband calling your SIL! I think ultimately if she does not understand it now- she will in the future!

I think you all will have a wonderful Christmas!!

**Dutchie** · 12-11-2011, 08:47 AM

Originally Posted by frugalwarrior2

Tacky to date the ex anyway IMHO.

You see, that's what I think too.

**Lady_V** · 12-11-2011, 10:18 AM

Now see... I'm a Grinch - I wouldn't let him in my house. If your neice, the reason he is "extended family" isn't even going to be there, AND, he is going after my sons ex (heart-strings are there even if the wedding ring isnt) I would make it known throughout the land, he is NOT to step foot in my home. -- Do they have billboards there?

My outlaws (ex's family) and I are close. I am the mother of their only grandchild, it wasn't easy and yes, I am invited to some family events, if THEY are holding it, but not if another family member is the sponsor. (Ex: ex's aunt held Thanksgiving, not invited --- ex's parents are doing a Christmas brunch, I am invited).

During the separation, I understood that wounds needed to be healed and I stayed away from events that I knew they would be at -- and they were the ONLY real family I had.

This guy sounds like Prince Charmless if you ask me...

Seriously... moat, alligators, billboards... DONT LET HIM IN!