Family problems at Christmas Need advice!

**handmerounds** · 12-14-2004, 12:47 PM

Ok, I hate to be a downer right here at the holidays, but I need some advice.  My husband's family consists of 4 boys and 1 sister.  3 of the brothers including my husband live here in Missouri.  1 in Colorado, and the sister is in Arkansas.  His parents have already passed on.  We don't really have a close relationship with anyone except his sister.  We go visit her a couple times a year and vice versa, no one else visits or even calls.  The oldest brother and his wife WILL NOT come to visit or attend holidays at anyone else's house.  She wants everyone to come her house or she refuses to participate.   

Our hometown (about 2 hours from where we live now) is where we'll be going for Christmas, sister's family will be there, one brother lives on the old family place still in this hometown.  So we had been discussing where we could get together for Christmas while we were all going to be there and when would be a good time.  Well, sister calls brother that lives there and he informs her that the other brother has already invited him over for Christmas night.  They didn't even check with the rest of us to see if that would be a good time or anything.  Haven't even invited us either.  They get to him first cause they know he'll agree to anything. He lives in the house on their farm (rent free).

Last year, the same thing happened, we we're told to be their Christmas night.  We got there to find leftovers from the noon dinner they had and also to find that everyone else had already opened gifts.  We arrived when we were told, too!  It's about an hour and a half drive for us to go there to find that they had already had their dinner, etc.  Talk about feeling unimportant!  Well the same thing is happening again.  We had said before last Christmas that we would not go over there, but decided too for the kids sake. (3 and 17 mths)  So they could see their family.  If we don't go then it looks like we don't care.  Which is not true. 

So now I think the sister will probably just give in and go there.  So if we want to see anyone we'll have to go there too.  Now I believe family is very important, but I just have an uneasy feeling about the situation.  They have young children also and I would love to see them, and for our kids to know their cousins, but we honestly feel like they think they are royalty and the rest of us should bow down to them and not have a say about anything.  We had a family reunion here last summer and when my husband told them about it and invitied them they tried to get him to have it at their house.  More than once tried to get him to change it from our house to theirs after we had already made the plans.  Like our place wasn't good enough.     

I guess what I'm asking is what would you all do??  Ignore what your instincts tell you or just go to be with family, or confront them??  No one in my husbands family will say anything to each other directly, they just go along with what the oldest brother says.  Well, except my husband finally (he's the youngest).  That's probably why they haven't called us.  (he he)  I love Christmas time so much and love being with family, but when I heard about all of this it just instantly causes me so much stress.  I knew you all would have some good advice for me.  Please be honest.  Thanks in advance!!  I have learned so much from this site.

   

**guest2** · 12-14-2004, 12:55 PM

Gretchen,
First of all

sweetie. Next...what is it that you really want for Christmas this year? Is it to be traveling and deal with family stress or is it to be home with your family creating wonderful Christmas memories? Your kids are still very young and they are not going to really remember their cousins anyway. Why not stay home this year and avoid the stress? Or maybe go and spend Christmas eve with the extended family and then have Christmas at home. That is what we are doing this year so that we too can have a Merry Christmas without the petty jealousy, the rude comments, and the ever famous plate and food throwing across the table (hubby's sister and brother seem to think that is just the funniest thing

).

Go with your heart and count your blessings that your husband will stand up to his siblings. It sounds like he is the only mature one in the bunch (other than his sister maybe).

**matt&roxy** · 12-14-2004, 01:42 PM

Gretchen.....do what you feel comfortable doing. I agree with Debbie, the kids are still young and probably won't remember this Christmas......

I would of course discuss it with DH, he sounds like a very reasonable and intelligent man by the way, and see what the two of you can come up with! Some of my best Christmas memories since being married are the ones where Matthew and I have spent them "just the two of us"...........

I will keep you and yours in my thoughts and prayers.........

edited to add: Where in Missouri are you, Matthew and I are fixing to be moving there in Jan......

**pip** · 12-14-2004, 01:50 PM

I vote for staying home and avoiding all the pain and stress. Maybe you can plan a get together with your sister-in-law at a different time if her family ends up going with the group. It always seems like we NEED to have a big, happy family Christmas celebration (that's what our society tells us, anyway), but it sounds like your previous get togethers are painful and unhappy. Have a cozy little Christmas with your own little family! Good luck, though, on whatever you decide to do.

**Michele Annette** · 12-14-2004, 03:05 PM

I agree with all of these ladies. Do what your heart tells you. If it were me I would not want to visit any family that treated me in such a way, no matter if it were my brother, etc. I'm not saying that family isn't important. Family is important if this family is important to you and vice versa...if YOU are an important part of their family...and by reading what you say it is unfortunate that they don't think your family is as important as other family members. I would not let someone make me feel that way...no way!

**handmerounds** · 12-14-2004, 05:34 PM

Thanks everyone for the encouraging words.... It is just hard for us because my dad died when I was 11 and my dh's parents are gone, so it seems important to surround our kids with family. "I don't want them to miss something." But I think I will just let dh's sister know that our door will be open at a different time if they want to come for Christmas.

****matt&roxy
We live close to Farmington, MO....south of St. Louis about an hour. Where are you all moving too?