Returning X-mas gifts for others am I bad?

**Sheila Q** · 12-01-2006, 01:46 AM

Hi there,

Hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving. I don't know if I am right or wrong but I have decided to return x-mas gifts. The situation is I have a cousin my age who has 3 kids. Over the summer I had her daughter Ari here for 2 weeks near the end of summer. Well lets just say this girl wanted this and that yes she asked and of course I couldn't say no so quite a bit of money spent later I decided to put my foot down and told her no well I got from her mouth"Well you and uncle Joe(my cousin has them call us aunty and uncle)have tons of money. Uncle works all the time and you have no kids. Your just lying to me". Now she is only 8 I don't think she got that from nowhere I think my cousin told her this. So my mom ended up blowing her stack bc we have the adoption coming up etc and she wasn't my child and my responsibility. She finally went home and I was told my cousin and her hubby would be sending out this nice thank you yadda yadda yadda and we got nothing which ok. Then on top of it this same 8 yr old makes a remark that she is so glad bc her family all looks alike and my dh and I and our daughter won't look like family however though Ari realizes her skin is brown she isn't quite sure why. Well that is bc my cousin's dh now is the father of her two boys but there is a question on that also and Ari is from a one night stand my cousin had in Florida and her bio dad is African American but my cousin lets Ari think her dh now is her birth dad. So being only 8 she don't know what her remark really means and she don't know really she is a biracial child. We planned to have our family with one bio and one adopted child however I believe both our children will come into our family by adoption

So here is my dilema my cousin who is the sister of this cousin with the 3 kids decided to have a party for her daughter(who is adopted also)and my cousin with the 3 kids decided to have a b-day party on her twin boys at the same time. We buy all this stuff no thank you no nothing from the one with the 3 kids.

Now I was feeling bad bc cousin with the 3 kids whenever you see her boys bc my other cousin her sister babysits them they have ratty clothes on they look like they need to be bathed they were 21 months and my cousin had them in 12 month clothes etc etc.

So cousin with the 3 kids and her hubby try to say there working all these hours find out they go home and sleep alot and tell people they are working. Their caravan was repossessed and just alot of bs well the day of the party we go there and the twins looked like hobos the daughter was all unkempt the hubby is always in same outfit but here comes cousin hair all done she went and had false nails done she has been buying slimfast and trimspa everyweek bc she is desperate to lose weight. I couldn't believe she was decked out and her kids look like s*%!. We bought x-mas presents for her kids but we have decided to return them especially after seeing that. And my cousin I think expects people to feel bad and they will buy.

My nephew has a little girl who will be 1 and him and his gf have nothing however their baby is dressed nice well taken care of and they are very young parents they are only 21. So even though dh and I went crazy on my nephews baby we will return the stuff for my cousins kids and use that money to buy more for our great niece.

I am so tired of people thinking we are loaded. Sure we don't have any children but that wasn't my choice to lose my first baby you know? Everyone thinks we have money. I don't know how people think this. Alot of people buy a starter home and upgrade as did we and alot of people get payments on vehicles as did we but only after we got house #2. Geesh I am sick of this I really am...........................

I feel bad for what I am about to do but I know my nephew can use it more and I know my cousin chooses NOT to put her kids first.

**movaly1** · 12-01-2006, 07:42 AM

(((hugs))) No advice, just (((hugs)))

**FrugalMomof3** · 12-01-2006, 07:59 AM

All I can say is you do what you feel is right, first off this 8 yr old who said those things had to have heard it from someone and you did them a favor by keeping her for 2 weeks, maybe get her something small like a few things from the dollar store (remember it's the thought that counts).

Again it's your money and you do what you want with it, but it's the cousin who should actually be to blame, I would talk to her about it but that's JMO.

Best of luck!

**nuisance26** · 12-01-2006, 08:12 AM

~Well, a gift is something you give because you want to, not because you feel guilty or obligated. And gifts will never make up for the lack of attention and affection from parents. I'd be careful about gifting some relatives and not others. If those who don't receive find out about those that do, a big, ugly fight could ensue. It might be better to downgrade their gifts from toys to something practical, like a homemade tote bag or embellished t-shirt with a cool design. At least they'd feel like you remembered and they'd have something nice to wear. Hope everything works out!~

**kabin63** · 12-01-2006, 08:16 AM

Wow! What a game they are playing! I am not so sure I would feel all that guilty about returning the gifts. Sometimes people think they are entitled to act bad and that the world owes them something.
This tends to be a very sore spot with me, for reasons I won't go into right now, but let me tell you, if the mother can get her nails done and buy slim fast, etc... She can darn well take care of those kids.
You can tell whose priorities are in line and whose aren't. I think, as Tracy said, that a couple of small gifts from the dollar store are sufficient. At some point, your cousin really has to realize that her kids should be top priority, in more ways than just appearance. She is neglecting her DD in teaching her that it's ok to go to others and guilt them into gifts and money, or that demand means entitlement. KWIM?
Anyway, jmho.

**mnmarty03** · 12-01-2006, 09:00 AM

In my opinion I would do what someone else said - I would still get the kids some small gifts. It is the parents who are making the bad decisions, not the children who have no control. I would definitely get them useful things though. A nice outfit for example, or you could give baby products for the babies - maybe the parents would use it then. And their daughter is just repeating what she has heard, unfortunately. Sometimes there are things in life that people think or say when they think they know a situation, when they shouldnt.

Its not the same situation at all, but I have gone through similar things. I am naturally thin and very blessed by that, however I am in bad shape. When I tell people that I want to start working out, most of them look at me as if I just said something horrible and then tell me "but you dont have an ounce of fat on your body!" I tell them that it doesnt mean I shouldnt be in good shape. That usually shuts them up --- but its a complete lie that I dont have any fat at all. We all do, unless your really bullemic. I am not complaining about mine at all, but i think it makes me feel the same way that it makes you feel with money. Just because it looks like things are one way and youve made good decisions, it doesnt mean that things are really that way or that your not trying to save or pay off debts or whatever. Your cousin is probably upset and says these things because she is jealous of the good decisions youve made in your life.

Unfortunately making good decisions can sometimes hurt other people, when we dont want them too. I have had that happen to me too, and it sucks. Keep going and living your life in the best way you know how!

**kaykwilts** · 12-01-2006, 09:12 AM

I don't blame you for wanting to spend money on those who are grateful.
These people seem to think you are loaded but do they realize how expensive adoption can be?

**emily_hope** · 12-01-2006, 10:09 AM

This is just my opinion, but I would still get gifts for the kids. The kids can not help how their parents are. I can understand that you are upset with the parents, but it sounds to me like the kids need someone like you. They obviously could use some new clothes (if I am reading this correctly). Sounds like the children don't have much, because what money the Mother has she is spending on useless things for herself. Maybe just a small toy and some new clothes. Just remember that the little girl is repeating what she has heard the grown ups say. Don't take it out on the children. JMHO.

**Amanda W** · 12-01-2006, 01:18 PM

My advice is to do whatever your heart tells you and not feel bad about it.

**pecunierrant** · 12-01-2006, 01:21 PM

Unless you're cutting off ties with this cousin & her family I might just get the child one small useful item, nothing expensive. You certainly can justify returning the gifts you already bought and going simpler or giving nothing at all. Id just hate to not give anything out of annoyance and regret it later.

Good luck.