Advice: Am I wrong to think this way about presents?...

**FrugalMomof3** · 12-01-2006, 05:11 PM

Ok here's my question/thoughts...

I have 4 step-daughters, their ages are 22, 20 and twins at 17.

Each year none of them buy me anything or their sister who's my DD and their fathers together, MY DS's ages 17 and 15 and I am really upset about this, I dont know if my feelings should interfere with my shopping for them.

When they come here on Xmas or the day after its like they have their hands out wanting something but never like to give, I mean they aren't young kids like my DD 11 who doesn't have a job but they ALL have a job, I am angry and I really feel like handing them a box with a little note inside saying:

"How does it feel to not be included and receive nothing on Christmas" but I am not cold-hearted and I cant do it but I really want to, does anyone ever feel like this? I know I wont do the note thing but I want to hand them their gift and go upstairs, when they come here it's like my xmas spirit is ruined.

I must admit last xmas, the 2 older girls got me something (which was a first) and their sister and my DS's but it was a useless, non-meaningful gift but I was happy because it's the thought that counts. But the Twins for the past 15 years DH and I have been together never ever got us anything (except their dad) and never a "Merry Christmas" either just their hands out to receive a gift and once they open it they say thanks but to their dad only, like WTH!

Am I wrong for feeling this way? I mean their father and I have been together 15 years, married for almost 9 and this is crazy, again it ruins my Christmas spirit.

**McD** · 12-01-2006, 05:42 PM

I don't think your wrong for feeling this way.

Have you mentioned it your husband? When they say thank you to your husband, I would think he would say, "You need to tell your stepmom and your sisters thank you too." If they balk at the idea, he can take their presents back.

If you absolutely do not want to get them gifts, make a small contribution to a charity in their name and write them a letter explaining the reasoning. If you wanted to get your point across, you could even include something as in , "Instead of a gift this year, we donated to needy people as the warmth of their gratitude always warms my heart." Perhaps next year, they won't be so spoiled.

**pammy** · 12-01-2006, 05:58 PM

Feel for ya, girlie. Got about the same situation going here, and like you I just want to put a stop to it before it kills the holiday cheer. Sometimes I wonder if some people just don't know they are being rude until someone points it out to them. I'm sure there are plenty that do know they are being rude and just don't care. Ugh, frustrating. Hope everything goes better for you this holiday.

**Missy** · 12-01-2006, 06:10 PM

Make a donation to a charity in their names. Print out a nice little thing on your computer, print it. Put it in ont of those money cards...the kind that wrap around money...

have it say something to the effect that "Christmas is the time of giving and of goodwill towards our fellow man. So our gift to you this year is the gift of giving. In your name we have donated to ____charity name___ . Happy holidays."

**FrugalMomof3** · 12-01-2006, 06:24 PM

I like those ideas, thanks ladies, I already got them gifts and I have to admit I took some back because I was feeling a bit angry about all the money we spend each month (CS) and then now having to have these spoiled girls ask for more and totally expect it without thanks for the 1 person who goes out and buys it for them (ME!), while I may use their fathers money I am the one who gets the items and wastes my time doing so, I am sure their are many many many other needy people who would be thankful for the gifts I give to them.

As for DH he doesnt say ANYTHING, not one word just a hug for him and your welcome! He NEVER EVER stands up for me for fear of them getting mad at him but I guess he would rather have his wife mad at him and dispise(sp?) his daughters, oh well!

**JustJoy** · 12-01-2006, 07:03 PM

Call me a meany

but here's what I would do. I wouldn't buy them a thing! Hey...they are your DH's kids, if he wants to get them gifts...fine...but let him do it! Up until this year, I've been doing the shopping for my SD, but since she now "hates me" and "wants to kill me" I'll be damned if I'm doing any shopping for her. I told DH she's his daughter, it's his responsibility this year

**Mamaw** · 12-01-2006, 07:04 PM

My heart goes out to you. Would it be possible for you to maybe include those children in some pre-holiday festivities? Maybe going to see lights, making and decorating cookies or helping out in a soup kitchen or something. It might give you an opportunity to talk about being grateful for the things and the people they have in their lives. It might also teach them a bit better manners. You certainly deserve a thank you!

**FrugalMomof3** · 12-01-2006, 07:14 PM

Mamaw - Well we use to do that and it NEVER worked, and I mean never, Christmas lights, Christmas Dinner, prayer, making ornaments, etc... I was always told "Dont tell me how to do this or that, your not my mother" so that stuff stopped, no fun stuff for people who dont respect me. Sorry!

JustJoy - Here's the thing... if I let DH go shopping for them, we'd be in major CC debt this very minute, so that's a no-no for me, this year I spent my own hard-earned money to get their gifts, technically I did a logo for a member here on FV and she in turn sent me gift baskets in exchange, so his money wasn't spent, just my time and effort.

It's weird because I've talked to DH about it and he just shrugs his shoulders, he doesnt see or understand how I feel, fine dont buy for me but what about their SISTER who IS their sister, they have the same father!!! I am fustrated and if I dont get/give them something DH will be mad at me and Christmas will be shot to HECK and then I have to hear him being a pain about it, his daughters mean more to him than I do, I guess.

**dmvezina** · 12-01-2006, 07:54 PM

I like the donating to charity idea!!

Good luck!!

**yankeegal** · 12-01-2006, 07:59 PM

I also agree about the donation to charity...

**jinx** · 12-01-2006, 08:10 PM

I also like the donation suggestion.

**Buckeye5** · 12-01-2006, 10:04 PM

Wow, well, you are in a no win situation.Just a few things to think about: if you are not planning on staying with Dh, then my attitude would be screw you, buy the gifts yourself. I think, though, if I was planning on staying with Dh, I would continue to buy the gifts and your children will have more respect for you, knowing that you bought the gifts, even though his kids didn't reciprocate. Then, on the other hand, maybe no matter if I was planning on staying or not with Dh, I wouldn't buy them. Now that I think about it, knowing how I am, I probably wouldn't bother to buy it. If DH really cared about you, he would say something to his kids. I know I am babbling, it's just a touchy situation. Maybe there isn't any right answer, it is just what you feel in your heart.

**emily_hope** · 12-01-2006, 10:10 PM

I do remember you saying that you were planning a move. So maybe just do it this one more time and you won't have to put up with it anymore. If you really just can not stand to buy them a gift, do as the other ladies suggested and take the money and donate it to a charity. I think that is a marvelous idea.

**MarshHen** · 12-02-2006, 07:03 AM

I don't know how much you spend on each of them (personally, I wouldn't spend more than maybe $15 at the most) but, I would just get each one a gift card from a fast food restaurant. I would not go out of my way to please them at all, especially when they have jobs and won't even acknowledge you by saying "thanks!" If there is one thing I can't stand, it's disrespect, especially from a snot-nosed child, teen or young adult. I would put my foot down and stand firm on this. Hubby would just have to get over it, and he will. This is just me I guess, but it would make my Christmas just to see the look on each of their faces when they see their McDonalds gift cards. I would even suggest that they leave right away and try them out.

**Kelly0411** · 12-02-2006, 07:24 PM

I have been divorced from my ex for almost 16 years. He is remarried and they have one child together, she came into the marriage with one child and he came into the marriage with 2 children. I always PAID for christmas presents for my daughter to give to her father, stepmother, half brother, half sister and step brother. I did this for my daughter, period. I could give a crap if they ever got presents, but I knew she did and she would not have the money to give them presents. Now, having said that not once ever has her father ever gone with her to purchase a christmas present for me. My point is, yes, for the older kids they certainly can purchase presents for you now, but how could they have done so when they were younger? If your ex husband was not willing to take them shopping and teach them that this was the right thing to do, how were they to learn? I would imagine that the exwife wasnt about to buy gifts for you or your children. I only did it for my daughter, and let me tell you it burned my ass each year, but I did it.

I am sure I will aggravate you to no end, but this is a board for opinions...I would not do the charity thing, simply because it really seems petty. Christmas is a time for giving, they are your husbands children and you don't have to live with their mother and listen to whatever crap she has said all these years about you and their father. One day they will learn to respect you by the way you treat them, their father and yourself, and if they don't, so what, they don't live with you, they are maturing into adults and will live their own life. Perhaps they will find themselves in the same situation you are in now and Karma will just kick them in the butt for all those year of treating you they way they did.