New to DR, husband, and questions (LONG)

[Gardengal18]

With all the debt and big ticket items that he added without your consent...

... who is paying the bills?

Is your name on the debt? Did you put it there, or did he (illegally)?

If the debt is entirely in his name, I'm thinking its time to set up your own bank account, put your income into it, and provide for your children from that. If you're paying for his toys, stop.

I agree! Your making 90K and he's making 45K? Hummmm.........easy to buy toys if your using someone else's money. If it were me he'd be signing all by himself for his toys that he bought without my consent and nothing that would be held jointly in my name would be allowed to be used as collateral! I would definetly look into getting my own bank accounts and keep him as far away from them as possible. You need to protect you and your children first and formost. FPU is not really going to help unless BOTH of you are on board and that definetly does not seem to be the case here.

I do think Marriage Counseling would be a wiser choice right now. A HUGE % of Divorces are due to Financial inequality/fighting about money.

Best of luck to you, and let us know how you get on.

[Clarebel]

Thanks again for the input. . .I agree we should probably go to counseling.

Update: I did not start FPU. I personally don't think I need FPU because of my cheapness, so it was more for him. I am not giving up on the idea, but I figured I could wait for another session and have more time to work with him first.

For those of you wondering how he finances all his stuff. . .I pay all the household bills. He has to pay his operating expenses, his gas/meals, cell phones (mine too), and that's it. It was not supposed to be that way, but he didn't hold up his end of the deal.

This response is to Misscas, because I know I may look like an idiot for being with this guy. . .

Actually NO, I did not have an idea that he was a big spender when dating. In fact, he was very frugal then because he was broke. We started dating when I was 18 & he was 20. He supported himself working 2 jobs (7 am-9pm 5days/week). He then supported me and our son while I went to school. Before I graduated, he got laid off from his second job & we cut our cash, which was gas/eating away from home/spending money from $50/week to $10/week. (He had a Honda & it was 1999 when gas was < $1.00, if you're wondering about that budget). The only "splurge" he made while dating was a $60 pair of swim trunks to impress me on our first date.

His purchase of the unapproved big-ticket item while I was in school was 3 years into our relationship - one year into our marriage, so, no I didn't have an idea what he would become. Also, he didn't even have a credit card before we married. And, despite him buying the two big-ticket items before I graduated, he did not finance those and we still had $6,000 in savings when I graduated. We added to that the next year & bought a house when I was 22. We were not in debt until he stopped working a regular job & I started making enough money for the bills. Counterintuitive, I know.

I would say for most people who may start dating their future spouse in their mid-to-late 20's, yeah, you should have a pretty good idea what that person's spending habits are, but I certainly didn't marry some guy who bought everything he saw & then expected him to change. And for any follow up comment that I didn't have to get married when I was 19, well, stuff happens in real life. Get over it.

[Lorelei]

Clarebel,

I'd caught on that you were pretty young when you married so thought you'd probably not have known what the future would bring. Glad you cleared it up for those who may not have realized how much people can change over time. My husband and I married rather young, and we're hardly the same people now.

Having said that, try to hold onto the fact that people do change. I have always been the more frugal one, but my spouse has become more financially aware over time. What has worked for us is that we each have a sole savings account that we can spend anyway we want. Family expenses are just that - for the family. I'm hoping that the RV and business debt is in his name only. If that is the case, I would suggest letting him deal with those payments, and concentrating on the family debt and building savings. Eventually he may come around and will want to pay off his own debt. If not, well, at least your credit rating will improve. Also, focusing on the family bills & debt (and getting him to pay a fair share towards those) may be less volatile than attacking his toys.

Although some have suggested hiding money, I would urge you NOT to go that route. Marriage is built on trust and hiding money betrays that trust. You have a good salary and if the worst occurs can support your children. If necessary, go to all sole accounts so he can't increase your joint debt, but be upfront about the need to do it.

Good luck with everything. It is very hard when spouses don't agree on priorities, but you can probably find a compromise that will work for you.

[ladykemma2]

marriage counseling. let the counselor be the bad guy.

extremes in anything are bad. you may be too extreme in your self called "cheapness". he may be retaliating because couples seek a balance. that is why you BOTH need to go to counseling.

i can address the childlike behavior. what i do is when i hit a significant financial milestone (i just made 10,000 in the emergency fund) i get a reward, I went to helzberg diamonds and bought myself something nice.

if i don't get a reward now and then my inner kid goes rebellious and causes a lot of very expensive trouble. deprivation causes trouble, if it is long term. I can deal with anything for three months, but three years - no.

so allow both of you some spending money and the three wheeler at a siginificant milestone in your debt repayment.

[SheKat]

I married young too, stared dating him at 16 married him at 21 and 1 week and we have been married now for 11.5 years. They definetly do change over the time. When I read about how your DH was then and is now i see it as him rewarding himself maybe because for a long time you struggled ($50 / month to $10/month) and made it through that he felt he deserved to be rewarded and then he got used to getting the rewards that it has become second nature to purchase these things feeling entitled that he truly does not see the big picture.

Your debt v income is no where as huge as I have seen mentioend here in FV and maybe he does not understand the 'big picture'. My hubby and I have just been through a large patch of this - both of us with the problem but lots of small tickets items that have been placed on the CC. We are getting through it together having schedule meetings without ours kids nearby, doing the whole you talk I listen adn vice versa thing without letting go of emotions. We have all of our financial stuff at the ready, a budget, and now a plan.

Maybe counselling is the way, but I thinks it might be important to rememebr too maybe he doesn't really understand why he is doing what he is doing to. As the previous poster mentioned I also dont think hiding money is the way forward that adding deceit on your part to the mix.

Good luck with it.

[got2run3]

i can address the childlike behavior. what i do is when i hit a significant financial milestone (i just made 10,000 in the emergency fund) i get a reward, I went to helzberg diamonds and bought myself something nice.

if i don't get a reward now and then my inner kid goes rebellious and causes a lot of very expensive trouble. deprivation causes trouble, if it is long term. I can deal with anything for three months, but three years - no.

I know all about the inner child, that is how I ended up with the horse in my avatar, had just sold one. Told Hubby I was going to the sale ( auction) just to look so see what horses were bringing will she brought 3K. LOL. luckily the one I sold the week before brought 7500.00 so I was still in the black I figured I had just made a pretty get bit on a horse I just sold so what was one more. Hubby about fell out when I had to call him to bring the horse trailer I remember his exact words " I thought you were just going to Look" I still have that horse 14 yrs later

[peanut]

You know, there are several ways to look at this, considering how young you were married...

One thing people tend to overlook is whether or not their spouse might be suffering from a form of mental illness... don't jump on me folks. I know whereof I speak. One of the hallmarks of bipolar individuals is they have difficulty managing money...either they hoard things or spend like crazy...without reason... They simply can't get a balanced grip on it. My mother was like that, as am I. I, thankfully, married a more balanced guy who keeps me on track. And when he makes me too frugal, I have this daughter who reminds me I'm getting too caught up in saving money. These illnesses develop over time...often starting in the teens/20s.

What helps me is to have a list of priorities in front of me for what I'll spend money on. And a list of questions to ask myself before spending any money. I also allow myself some blow money that I can spend spontaneously, as is my wont.

The other thing to consider is that people do change. My SIL loves to spend spontaneously. His response to debt is to try and earn more money. The thought of cutting back doesn't enter his vocabulary. His sister lives this high life, and he should be able to too. His sister is a very talented young lady with a very rich boyfriend.

In order for DD#1 to get SIL on-line with DR, she borrowed our FPU CDs and popped them in the computer one night to listen to. He was right there and got intrigued with DR's approach. He finds that kind of in-your-face approach attractive. DD#1 claims he sat down and drew up a budget that night. That's saying something.

So maybe you don't need to go to a class. Maybe bring DR home for DH to just 'happen' over. I call it "discovery learning". LOL I found used copies of the CDs on Amazon. I bet you'll learn a thing or two from them too. It's not just about being frugal!

Jean

[missmanny]

Clarabel,

take heart, it sounds as though you are committed to your husband and he to you. I think what most people are trying to illustrate here is that many marriages fail due to finances and money and so getting out of this mess would be the best thing for your marriage.

Being the major bread winner you are in a position here to force him to make some changes. Contrary to what other people are saying I believe that you can start to work on this by yourself and maybe shock him into getting on board by withdrawing your financial support but also by setting a good example..

I am also a firm believer that sometimes it just takes a visionary to get things started. there are many posters on this site who have started little by little to make changes and once their spouse saw them mkaing progress they got excited and jumped on board. trust me - there is nothing more motivating then seeing balances go down on credit cards and seeing the savings rise.


Sounds like your hubby is not a bad guy - he upported you through college and also doesn't seem as if he is afraid of hard work either. My bet is that if you were firm but kind with him and took matters into your own hands to start to get out of this mess he may get on board.

Good luck with every thing, drop by to let us know how you are going.