please help- husband in DENIAL - controls finances

**whitetrashprincess** · 03-08-2009, 03:46 AM

This is kind of long - but things are SUCH a mess! Please give me any tips or advice on how to sway this man!

When I went back to school about 10 years ago I turned control of the finances over to my husband because he wanted to take some of the stress off of me since I was working and going to school. I agreed and finished my degree and he still has control. I don't know how to take things back over or where to begin.

The problem started while he was in charge he didn't pay our house taxes one year and we almost lost our house. I had NO CLUE! He hides bills, etc. Our house HAD cost us $40K -- To save our home he got an $100K mortgage from a shady company that charges us an arm and a leg interest, plus they have a penalty for early repayment. A few years ago he spent a night in jail for writing a hot check that he never told me about and kept putting off until they arrested him. He keeps telling me things are ok, and won't sit down with me to do a budget.

He was laid off from his job and then had to have neck surgery that kept him off work for about 6 weeks. During that time I discovered many bills and pawn loan tickets that he had hidden from me. It was a mess - I was devastated that he was so deceitful.

Then he went and spent $350 a few months ago on a motorcycle that just sits in our driveway and we are in the hole again. I never know how much money we have for groceries, he just keeps saying we'll be ok, but the end of the month comes around and he gets hateful and panicky because we are running out of money. What do I do? I mentioned a FPU course at a local church and the lady says she will let us pay out the costs a little at a time but he just gripes and says that all the people that are on the Dave Ramsey show all make way more money than we do (I am a teacher - he is a teacher's aide and he makes half my salary).

Any advice? Anyone had to deal with a stubborn or unwilling spouse who had control of the finances before? I want out of this mess. I don't know what to do!

**ladykemma2** · 03-08-2009, 06:12 AM

i am a teacher, and make less money than you guys because I'm single.

dave ramsey FPU would be a good choice, but actually as I read your posts, sounds like debtor's anonymous could be considered too.

**ladykemma2** · 03-08-2009, 06:34 AM

upon thinking about it i would call all the poeple you owe money to and have the bills sent to you. change over the income you make to a different checking account that you control.

put on the dave ramsey archives on the computer (free) and listen. he tells many people what to do everyday.

now, the pychological stuff is not dave ramsey. dave treats ADULTS. Debtors anonymous and professional counseling treats the acting out child in his soul who wants what he wants when he wants it.

either way you both are in dire need of marriage counseling.

**thefrug** · 03-08-2009, 07:22 AM

yep. sounds like you're going to have to make phone calls. Do you have an address where you can have the bills sent to so you can start taking over? another checking account is definitely the way to go. I know this may sound deceitful on your part, but someone has to start making the right decisions here. check with the bank to see how much is in the account and have it switched over to a new account.
I'm definitely not sticking up for the hubby, but do you think he got overwhelmed by having to be in control of the finances? And just gave up? I dunno. I'm just asking. He may be too "man" proud to admit it.
Good Luck hun!

**kita** · 03-08-2009, 07:55 AM

I'm not married nor have I ever been, but I think the night in jail puts this in a "I may have to be forceful and a bit deceitful to get things under control."
Forward the mail to a PO box to which you have the only key. If you have the account jointly, you may not be able to close the account, but you can have your paycheck direct deposited in the new account.
If it becomes bad, let him have his check for his spend money, and anything in his name ALONE. Car? Manly toys?
Also, keep very, very careful records so that if this becomes a divorce, you'll want to be able to prove that you did what you had to in order to save BOTH of you.
And yes, counselling, Dave Ramsey, Debtor's Anon. At this point, I think anything would be better than nothing.

Another thing that might help is telling him that if football games have multiple coaches, with contigency plans, your financial life can have that too. And then as you lay out budgets etc, make everything football themed as well. Offensive plans pay off the bills, defensive plans save for emergencies etc.

And tell him EVERYBODY is in financial boot-camp now....

**dogmatix** · 03-08-2009, 09:13 AM

A night in jail is extreme. You need to get a PO box and your own checking account. I'm not talking about deceit - tell him what you are doing, but be firm and persistent. He has a real problem and you're both suffering from it. God bless you and good luck.

**Spirit Deer** · 03-08-2009, 09:35 AM

I'm sorry to say this but IMO, the problems you're describing go much deeper than mere money.

I agree with the advice above. Get control of the money YOU earn as a minimum, and document absolutely everything, going back to when he first took over the money. If you file joint tax returns and have joint accounts and your name is on the mortgage and whatever other loans you have, he's wrecking your good name along with his own, too. People who work with kids have standards for behavior they have to meet and I'm surprised he wasn't fired for landing himself in jail. That kind of thing will get you both a reputation for bad judgment, at the least. He needs to clean up his act NOW.

Good luck. It sounds like you're in a mess.

**rainbowgc** · 03-08-2009, 02:03 PM

So sorry to hear this, how heart breaking to learn you can't trust your DH not to lie to you

**militlady** · 03-09-2009, 03:54 AM

I agree with everyone else. One other thing that you may want to consider. Is there any possibility that he is using drugs or gambling? I only ask because I finally had to leave my ex husband because of both of those things. I was extremely naive. He knew how opposed to drugs I was and hid it from me for 14 years until I just couldn't deny the truth anymore.

Even if you have to pay a prepayment penalty, it might be worth looking into a refi for your house. You may save money in the long run. I might be able to help with that if you want to email me for info.

**nadine64** · 03-09-2009, 04:24 AM

First of all, very sorry to hear of your problems. My ex was a control freak over money. I had to call him everyday to tell him how much I spent on lunch. Then it eventually comes out that he was losing thousands of dollars gambling on football, basketball, any kind of sport. There were more issues to our divorce, but I have to say that the gambling and lying to me about it was a major issue and it explained why he needed complete control over our finances.

I would say what the other women have posted, get your own postal box, make some phone calls and tell him what you're doing. It's going to be painful to go through because there's a trust issue that's been broken, but for your own sanity you need to take care of yourself. It's obvious that he's not looking out for you, only for himself.

**dmvezina** · 03-09-2009, 06:30 AM

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this.
I would sit down with him and tell him you are taking over control of the finances again and maybe let him "help" or watch so he can see how to really do it but don't give him the control. I would sell that bike too!!

Good luck!

**Lorelei** · 03-09-2009, 08:57 AM

I agree you should get a sole checking account and think you should also divide up the bills. No more joint accounts on anything. You shouldn't hide any of this, and getting a separate PO Box just adds another bill. If your income is supposed to pay for the water bill, and you don't see it, it's easy enough to call or go online to get the amount. I suggest you cover the important bills and have him cover the lesser ones (ex. electricity is a necessity, cable is not).

If you haven't already, start pulling your credit reports every few months. You can get one free report from each agency once a year, so every 4 months you can check your credit with a different one. www.annualcreditreport.com

Good luck with talking to your DH. This isn't likely to be a pleasant conversation, but for both your sakes you need to get the finances under control. By dividing up the bills, rather than trying to take over all the finances you may be more successful. At least you'll stop the damage to your credit, and with luck, may be on the way to finding a solution that works for both of you. Whatever you do, though, get away from joint accounts.

**Greebo** · 03-09-2009, 08:59 AM

Originally Posted by Spirit Deer

I'm sorry to say this but IMO, the problems you're describing go much deeper than mere money.

Money is not your biggest problem right now. The two of you need to be in marital counseling to learn how to work with each other like adults.

**Denvergirlie** · 03-09-2009, 09:00 AM

I am channeling the same thing others have already mentioned, but will chime in as well.

You have a marriage problem, not so much a money problem. Your DH is simply not trustworthy. He's lying to you on a daily basis.

I understand lying about finances, been there, done that, do not recommend it. Time to start hunthing thru the house for bills and statements. Call all your current creditors, from the mortage to the cable bill and everything in between.

Bank records should be able to accessed online as well as many of your reoccuring bills. Get everyone to fax you a current statement.

Set an appointment to talk with your DH. Do not access any blame, this is behavior in the past, it has zero place in your current conversation. You've been just as guilty as you've let him handle all this in the past, you two have not been working together as a team.

Lay it all out on the table per se and come up with a plan to address things moving forward. You both need to agree on what the next steps are. What can you together sell?

Also, you need to define your goals. Do you want to own your house someday free and clear? Do you want to retire in a certain timeframe? Do you want to travel and "see the world"? What are your DH's goals and dreams? If you too do not have shared goals and a plan of how to achive them, you are really not going to be in any better place 5 years from now.

Best of luck to you

**Cricketlegs** · 03-09-2009, 10:09 AM

I would put my foot down and DEMAND to see the bills and the balances--all of them.

If he hems and haws then you need to do what needs to be done and tell him that you no longer will allow him to ruin your future. And, it IS YOUR future.

I take care of the bills here and I do a great job at it but the books sit right here by the computer, the bills are in the folder right here, and my dh knows all the bank passwords. All he has to do is pick up the books or go online or ask ME and I will get him up to date. If he has a suggestion on making a change we discuss it, just as I ask him iof I think a change is due.

That is marriage. Partnership. Trust.