friends drifting away - cheap me?

**ladykemma2** · 06-30-2009, 06:15 PM

i feel victimy/ whiny and this fit will pass. adult person will return, i'm sure.

whine ahead:

I already have had two friends drift away because i don't want to "go out". i tried having them for dinner. i tried inexpensive ways to get together, maintain friendships, and have fun. no go. they paid for our last outing. i got real clear with them that i was not on food stamps or anything but was trying a new way to handle money, not broke, but having limited pocket money, saving like crazy, and a pretty strict budget. i also told them i had 10,000 in the savings so they really, really did not have to pay for me. I haven't seen them since. oh, well.

i am on mary hunt/dave ramsey step: saving for a car replacement. i talk to my "deeply in debt" best friend about what i am doing, not details, but (doing dave ramsey, etc...) eyes roll back in the head when i go into detail. she isn't interested.

there was talk about spending a day in galveston and having dinner at favorite place. after i did this month's budget i concluded that i shouldn't go. so i called her right away and said i can't go, i am paying big vet bills this month and there is no money for the galveston trip. can we go next month?

she responded with "i'll treat". yikes, she can afford it less than i can. i don't feel comfortable with this.

i feel nervous. she won't drop me as a friend, but things are getting weird. if i tell her there is 11,500 in the savings, i fear the repercussions. i've told her before but i don't think she heard me.

is there anyone out there that understands that i am prepaying for a new car? acting my wage? having an emergency fund.

i feel like an alien from outer space. i feel like i am perceived as "cheap".

again.

thoughts?

**frugalfranny** · 06-30-2009, 06:27 PM

First I wouldn't mention about the savings.....unimportant to them and none of their business. Makes them even less likely, if they don't live like you do with money, to understand why you won't go.

Can you think of things to do 'outside'....picnic in the park, walk, photo shoot, etc. that would include some of them and invite them to go?

I admire you for not allowing them to pay.....many people would allow it. But explain...in more detail or 'firmer' that you just aren't comfy with that approach.....without mentioning what you have in savings. I think mentioning the savings can make it sound even more to someone that you just don't want to be with them.........if they are not doing the budget thing that you are. That is what I have run up against anyway.

Lastly....and the hardest to face.....if they can't understand and they are only going to be your friend if you can go and spend money with no exceptions.......even when you don't have it......maybe you should re-evaluate the friendships.

**ladykemma2** · 06-30-2009, 06:33 PM

Originally Posted by frugalfranny

First I wouldn't mention about the savings.....unimportant to them and none of their business. Makes them even less likely, if they don't live like you do with money, to understand why you won't go. yeah, if i act like a broke schoolteacher it seems to go better. i guess i would like to have someone to rejoice that i am on baby step three instead of hiding it. i don't want to feel like a closet miser

Can you think of things to do 'outside'....picnic in the park, walk, photo shoot, etc. that would include some of them and invite them to go? with the others i tried that it didn't fly. this friend is more likely to do things at home.

I admire you for not allowing them to pay.....many people would allow it. But explain...in more detail or 'firmer' that you just aren't comfy with that approach.....without mentioning what you have in savings. sounds goodI think mentioning the savings can make it sound even more to someone that you just don't want to be with them.........if they are not doing the budget thing that you are. That is what I have run up against anyway. really/ tell me!

Lastly....and the hardest to face.....if they can't understand and they are only going to be your friend if you can go and spend money with no exceptions.......even when you don't have it......maybe you should re-evaluate the friendships.

_________________________________

**ladykemma2** · 06-30-2009, 06:50 PM

baby step 3 is a very LONG and "becoming lonely" step.

i will not let my best friend drift away.

**frugalfriend** · 06-30-2009, 07:03 PM

I have this kind of problem all the time with my sister and sister-in-law on eating out. They spend every dime of every paycheck and eat out constantly, and don't save anything. Then when they NEED something they end up having to charge it. Drives me crazy! I sometimes go, sometimes say no, and they probably think I am cheap when I don't since we are debt free, but at least they are family and they still have to like me!

LOL

But, with a friend it becomes a little harder. I totally admire what you are doing. It will feel so good when you buy that car in CASH! Don't lose sight of your goals. Explain to her that you are saving to replace your car if you haven't already, and that everything adds up. I like the idea of having her over for dinner, or doing inexpensive or free things for entertainment. If she doesn't go along with this, then maybe you do have to question her friendship (like a previous poster said).

**frugalfriend** · 06-30-2009, 07:07 PM

Ladykemma ~ and don't forget! If you will live like no one else, then later you can LIVE LIKE NO ONE ELSE!

**frugalfranny** · 06-30-2009, 07:18 PM

Originally Posted by ladykemma2

she responded with "i'll treat". yikes, she can afford it less than i can. i don't feel comfortable with this.

You are making a 'judgment call' for her that she can afford it even less than you can.........maybe she has 50,000 is savings. But the key issue is the last line.........TELL HER......not only that you don't feel comfortable but why??? Are you afraid there will be strings attached? (don't tell her this....I am asking) Does she even KNOW what you are saving for?.......sometimes the other details explains more than telling everyone how much $ you have in savings.

I couldn't give a care, as a friend, how much you have in savings, but if you don't want to go out places with me I will want to know why. Especially if you have had a different pattern in the past.

I hate it when people try to decide 'FOR ME' what I can and can't afford. And have even had the comment made....."well, you can afford it!" OR better yet...."how can you do that"? But by the same token if I offer to pay for something I do it 'with my heart' and no strings attached.

IE: I have some friends that wanted to meet once a week for lunch. I was the first to speak up and say "no".....would go for twice a month or once but didn't want to "spend the money" to go out to eat that often. As soon a I said that another gal spoke up and agreed......and up until I said something it was all but on the calendar. (so things can change) I wasn't saying I didn't want to be with them. I was saying that I didn't want to spend the money eating out. So now we are eating out once a month......and having potlucks the other times. It is great.

**Thevail** · 06-30-2009, 07:27 PM

Most people have barely a few hundred dollars in savings, if anything at all. To them $10,000 isn't an amount of savings.. it's what they'd like to "win" in a sweepstakes.

To most people they honestly think that with $10,000 they could solve every problem they have financially.

Because of this, it's awfully hard for them to imagine someone being "careful" or "frugal" when they have that kind of money in the bank. They can only see it in the light of being "cheap".

To be fair to your friends, I'm sure that if they had that kinda $$$ they'd be going out and catching the check for everyone...

And, as you know, but they don't... very, very soon, they wouldn't have that kind of money if they were spending it like that.

It's a perspective thing. Don't take it too personally.. they'd probably think of themselves as "cheap" or "wierd" if they suddenly found themselves behaving frugally with that kind of resources. The difference is you didn't "land" there. You worked to get there, and so you are more careful.

But I'm wondering about your age as well.. I know, how "way too personal"...

But this also sounds like the pretty standard "parting of the ways" that happens to a lot of people between 25 and 35 with their friends.

There often just comes a point where you don't want to "go out" all the time, but your friends still do. To the ones who are still "going out" all the time, you're the one who has changed, not them.

Sometimes we part ways with old friends when our thinking and lifestyles diverge from theirs. It's sad, but we need to open up space in our lives for new friends who more closely share the interests and values that are important to us now.

**mauimagic** · 06-30-2009, 07:48 PM

There are some very wise people expressing their opinions on this thread - I hear all of them saying in one way or another - be true to yourself.

Now I want to search out Mary Hunt - have never heard of her?

**Contrary Housewife** · 06-30-2009, 07:55 PM

IIRC you also recently divorced. You are changing as a person. I don't think it's really about the money, it's your actions, being responsible. Your old friends probably don't think you are 'fun' any more since you don't spend without thinking about it.

It's frustrating to see friends leave, but sometimes it's for the better.

**ladykemma2** · 06-30-2009, 07:56 PM

Originally Posted by frugalfranny

You are making a 'judgment call' for her that she can afford it even less than you can.........maybe she has 50,000 is savings. she tells me that she is deeply in debt in credit cards and now is purchasing a pool on creditBut the key issue is the last line.........TELL HER......not only that you don't feel comfortable but why??? Are you afraid there will be strings attached? (don't tell her this....I am asking)um, the last time i explained what i was doing, and i showed the other friends what i was saving for, the other friends have dropped me. Does she even KNOW what you are saving for?.......sometimes the other details explains more than telling everyone how much $ you have in savings. i have told her i am saving for a car

I couldn't give a care, as a friend, how much you have in savings, but if you don't want to go out places with me I will want to know why. Especially if you have had a different pattern in the past.

I hate it when people try to decide 'FOR ME' what I can and can't afford. And have even had the comment made....."well, you can afford it!" OR better yet...."how can you do that"? But by the same token if I offer to pay for something I do it 'with my heart' and no strings attached.

IE: I have some friends that wanted to meet once a week for lunch. I was the first to speak up and say "no".....would go for twice a month or once but didn't want to "spend the money" to go out to eat that often. As soon a I said that another gal spoke up and agreed......and up until I said something it was all but on the calendar. (so things can change) I wasn't saying I didn't want to be with them. I was saying that I didn't want to spend the money eating out. So now we are eating out once a month......and having potlucks the other times. It is great.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

**ladykemma2** · 06-30-2009, 08:10 PM

Originally Posted by Thevail

Most people have barely a few hundred dollars in savings, if anything at all. To them $10,000 isn't an amount of savings.. it's what they'd like to "win" in a sweepstakes.

To most people they honestly think that with $10,000 they could solve every problem they have financially.

Because of this, it's awfully hard for them to imagine someone being "careful" or "frugal" when they have that kind of money in the bank. They can only see it in the light of being "cheap".

To be fair to your friends, I'm sure that if they had that kinda $$$ they'd be going out and catching the check for everyone...i don't advertise it. the only reason i told the other friends was that they started picking up the bill for me and it felt wrong and icky. i explained what i was doing financially, and that turned out to be a mistake.

And, as you know, but they don't... very, very soon, they wouldn't have that kind of money if they were spending it like that.

It's a perspective thing. Don't take it too personally.. they'd probably think of themselves as "cheap" or "wierd" if they suddenly found themselves behaving frugally with that kind of resources. The difference is you didn't "land" there. You worked to get there, and so you are more careful.

But I'm wondering about your age as well.. I know, how "way too personal"...I'm 46. they are in their 50s. I don't understand what you mean way too personal, please explain.

But this also sounds like the pretty standard "parting of the ways" that happens to a lot of people between 25 and 35 with their friends. yes my values have changed. no doubt about it. becoming thorugh divorce the sole owner of a house has really made me super responsible too.
There often just comes a point where you don't want to "go out" all the time, but your friends still do. To the ones who are still "going out" all the time, you're the one who has changed, not them.

Sometimes we part ways with old friends when our thinking and lifestyles diverge from theirs. It's sad, but we need to open up space in our lives for new friends who more closely share the interests and values that are important to us now.

anyone in houston want to hang out? ha ha

**ladykemma2** · 06-30-2009, 08:24 PM

Originally Posted by Contrary Housewife

IIRC you also recently divorced. You are changing as a person. I don't think it's really about the money, it's your actions, being responsible. Your old friends probably don't think you are 'fun' any more since you don't spend without thinking about it.

It's frustrating to see friends leave, but sometimes it's for the better.

wow this is deep. (taking it in...)

**craftypam** · 06-30-2009, 08:33 PM

Originally Posted by frugalfranny

First I wouldn't mention about the savings.....unimportant to them and none of their business. Makes them even less likely, if they don't live like you do with money, to understand why you won't go.

Can you think of things to do 'outside'....picnic in the park, walk, photo shoot, etc. that would include some of them and invite them to go?

I admire you for not allowing them to pay.....many people would allow it. But explain...in more detail or 'firmer' that you just aren't comfy with that approach.....without mentioning what you have in savings. I think mentioning the savings can make it sound even more to someone that you just don't want to be with them.........if they are not doing the budget thing that you are. That is what I have run up against anyway.

Lastly....and the hardest to face.....if they can't understand and they are only going to be your friend if you can go and spend money with no exceptions.......even when you don't have it......maybe you should re-evaluate the friendships.

Totally agree

**SixxOfDiamonds** · 06-30-2009, 08:36 PM

Honestly, I would live and let live. You will make new friends, ones who understand.

I, too, had to go through these types of problems. I am only 22. Many of our married friends were VERY in debt. To the point of I purchased maternity pants for a friend because she literally had no clothing to wear and every card was denied and they had NO savings.

This was far before I started to read Dave Ramsey, but I feel I was a bit more on top of the game and at the time 100% debt-free (although we weren't saving as we should have been.)

I do not miss those friends. I don't miss spending $80 on a bar tab, the clothes to go out, gas to get there or a taxi.

I've also made friends who know IN DETAIL about my budget, savings, checking, etc. And they're in it with me. They think not having cable is normal and that we splurge by having it. We talk on the phone during free nights and weekends (or via Skype!) We're also rooting each other on to pay down our car loans. Sadly, the only debt we all seem to have, because it was 'normal' for so long. ETA: and a good Friday night for us is watching a Gilmore Girls marathon while the boys change brakes on the cars! LMAO!

They're out there, they are! It sometimes just takes hanging out with a different crowd.

Good luck with it all, it's not always an easy road.