Starting a family

**Alice in Debtland** · 08-06-2010, 07:45 AM

I'm a few glasses of wine down so forgive my writing.
I'm at home alone thinking about life. Last year we had a scare that involved us being told that we may never have children. Luckily meds fixed the situation and my fertility is ok. We had at that point thought we wanted to start trying for a baby. After we were given the all clear we decided to back off for a bit and get our life in order first. we are newly married and have a house and some credit card debt. Our debt will be paid off at the end of next year and we are paying down our house.

Over the last few months I have been thrown from side to side from seeing talking to people and seeing thread s about how happy mothers are they had their children younger. And then talked to people and read threads about those even saying they regret having their children. I know we want children but I never want their timing to be a regret.

We had said, 'hey lets wait til I'm 30. Get really ahead financially and live life before children come a tie us down.' But at this moment I'm torn.

I want a baby. I don't think I want to wait 6 years until I'm 30. But I know I'd wait 1-2 years until we are debt free except for the house and have 6 months expenses in savings. My husband says he'd be happy if a surprise came long earlier than expected but definitely only once we were okay financially. But then he does say that he also worries that if we don't wait the 5-6 years we'll regret it....

Part of me wants to start planning for a baby in 2 years and part of my says - you don't want to regret losing your youth - play it safe and don't try until 29-30...

When would Dave say starting a family fits into the Total Money Makeover...

**Momto5RN** · 08-06-2010, 08:20 AM

the way i look at it a child isnt a car or a pet or a vacation or a home - its something your heart will tell you when its right to do .

if you want to be a sahm make sure you will have what you need to do so - other than that i dont think theres a right or wrong.

I unexpectedly was pregnant three months into our marraige ( interestingly enough birth control i was using dissappeared off shelves a few months later )

did it make it harder on us- yes we had a dream of a home etc before starting a family - being a sahm wasnt an option -but being a RN i could work opposite shifts of dh and avoid daycare i knew i wanted several- and didnt want them more then 3 years apart --so once i started i started for good.
we ended up buying a house when he was 18 months old anyway and i think i worked harder at saving for it because i wanted out of that 4th floor apt with a toddler.

That suprise is now a 22 yo college grad working a FT job who is kind and loving to his friends and family .

in my opinion kids arent as expensive as those statistics say - i mean thats an average and as we all well know frugal people can really knock down averages .

**TigerGirl1226** · 08-06-2010, 09:40 AM

Something I realized with when pregnant with DD is that there is never a "perfect" time to have children, there is always something that could be better...financials, age, time of year, etc. Technically, we couldn't afford to have a baby, but we did. She's healthy and happy and we don't regret her for a minute.

**ms.mel.who** · 08-06-2010, 10:05 AM

There never is a perfect time. My oldest came along when we were 21 and 22. We didn't have ANYTHING, we were still in college, totally broke. We had our third at 27-28. I have to say that I was/am a better mother to the youngest one, because I am more mature, mellow, and realistic. But I think your first is a test case no matter how old you are when you have them.

Also I LOVE that I will be 35 this year, and my kids are out of diapers and in school!!

**ansley** · 08-06-2010, 11:07 AM

I do not regret any of them. My age ranged from 20 with the first (and planning a divorce) to 33 with the last (not old but older than I wanted). My finances were not good with #1 and #3. I had no debt and owned my home with #2. It didn't matter. They were and are taken care of and loved.

I have my quiet thinker teen that likes for me to read to him and talk about things like why Hitler did what he did and little facts about different countries. I have my never meet a stranger, loving little girl that loves to hug and kiss on me. I have my hard headed, my way or the highway little boy that likes to bring me rollie pollies and snails.

There are only 2 things I wish were different. I wish I could be a SAHM and I wish they were close enough in age to have more to do with each other. But I wouldn't trade them for anything.

**mateosbaby** · 08-06-2010, 02:01 PM

As a SAHM of 4 beautiful children, there is never a "right" time. There will always be something you wished you'd done first, and there may even be times you wished you had had your children sooner. If you are a Christian, remember that it's always God's timing no matter what we try to do to prevent or cause pregnancy. I sometimes wish I had had our youngest closer to our 3rd, but I know God's timing was perfect, because I'm sure I'd be a much more frazzled mom without that extra time between. Interestingly enough, we are waiting on God's timing to start trying for #5, and we are about to buy a house, and still on Baby Step #2. Debt will never, ever stop us from trusting that God will see to it that we have all that we need (not all we want, but all we need). He's always seen us through before, and He will do so in the future, as well, no matter how many children we have.

**mek42** · 08-07-2010, 11:33 AM

Have you talked with your husband about why he wants to wait? Is having kids now worth possible marital stress?

Maybe he wasn't raised right and wants time to get his stuff more together re fatherhood.

**MomToTwoBoys** · 08-07-2010, 11:56 AM

I had babies at 20 and 25. I'll say that from the experience of both sides, I sort of wish I'd waited. I didn't have any debt when I had my first and still, having a baby that young is pretty hard. You end up missing out on a lot of things that most single people get to do, plus you're sort of restricted in what you can do afterwards.

It all depends on what you want to do later in life. If you want to get the most out of life, you can wait until you're at least 35 until you have a baby. My SIL had her first at 36 and she looooves being a mom now. She got a lot of things out of the way first (school, paying off debt, getting married, etc.) and now she has a balance between being a mom and doing things without the baby.

My sister had her first at 19 (and had two more later on, plus pregnant with a fourth at 31) and she hates being a mom. She really regrets being tied down.

I'm 32 and my oldest will be 12 next week. My youngest will be 7 next month. I think I had my babies at the right time. Even though I was a big party girl (and by big, I mean BIG), it also taught me how to be more responsible. It wasn't until I had my second child that I started accumulating debt and I've been economically stable through both pregnancies.

With the way the economy is nowadays, I'd honestly wait until you've paid off debt before having a child. Since you're 24, you have a LONG time to go before it becomes absolutely pertinent for you to have a child before your eggs start becoming tainted. I'd look at your social life and ask yourself if you can continue being the same way after you've had your first child.

A lot of people will say that it's never the perfect time, but there is a time when it's the wrong time.