new to the site, and question regarding gifts

**gmarie** · 08-06-2010, 12:52 PM

First, let me say that I am SO excited to have found this site and other DR fans! I have felt rather alone and could use some advice!

One question that keeps coming is how DR feels about cash gifts - should they be used for our Debt Snowball or spent as we choose?

If it is a gift to me - there is absolutely no question that I would pay down debt. Our debt reduction (and we have a lot of it!) is my #1 priority and I care about little else these days!

My problem is that I feel like i am "cheating" my husband out of his gifts by asking him to put his gifts towards our debt. I give him the option, and let him know what I would do, and so far he has chosen to spend his gifts; mostly on work related expenses for his career as a chef -new knife or shoes. (side note: I do realize that work shoes should be in our regular budget!)

Our birthday's and two year anniversary are coming up, so gifts will be an issue. Being a chef, he LOVES to go out to nice dinners. High-end restaurants are NOT in our budget, but is it okay for him to choose to spend his gift money on a lunch in NYC?

I'm not sure that the problem is really that he is demanding to go out spend $$, but that I feel guilty, and end up encouraging what he "wants" to do with his gifts.

Also, is it insulting to the gift giver if you don't spend the money on something "fun". Should we just ask our family to stop giving us cash gifts?

What would Dave say?
Thanks!!

**Russ** · 08-06-2010, 01:07 PM

First - WELCOME to Frugal Village. Glad you joined us.

In my opinion, a gift is his to do with as he wishes. It is not part of the budget and therefore should not be counted.

Now, that said, you both need to be on the same page so these "gifts" or celebrations should BE part of the budget.I mean the one given to one another. If you know that on every anniversary you are going to spend $X.00 on dinner, start budgeting for that.

**Greebo** · 08-06-2010, 01:21 PM

I don't have any clear recollection regarding what Dave says on this topic, but I would say that if you are struggling to make ends meet, then money is money. Use it wisely.

However, if you're making pretty good progress on your debt anyway, and get some unexpected income as a gift, then it's gonna be ok to let your hair down a bit with the special occasion.

**ansley** · 08-06-2010, 02:18 PM

MPO; if you are able to work the steps without the gift money you should both spend it on what you want. You could half yours to blow money and half to snowball.

I am not saying it will but if you put all your gift money on debt and he doesn't after a while you may start feeling some resentment but that is JMHO.

**MaryCarney** · 08-06-2010, 02:32 PM

I would look at it this way - if someone gave him a gift of an actual object, would you expect him to return it and put the $$ toward debt? Would you do this if someone gave you a gift?

**gmarie** · 08-06-2010, 02:34 PM

Originally Posted by Russ

First - WELCOME to Frugal Village. Glad you joined us.

In my opinion, a gift is his to do with as he wishes. It is not part of the budget and therefore should not be counted.

Now, that said, you both need to be on the same page so these "gifts" or celebrations should BE part of the budget.I mean the one given to one another. If you know that on every anniversary you are going to spend $X.00 on dinner, start budgeting for that.

Thank you! I agree with you that he should do as he wishes, but doesn't that say something that he is not 100% on board with our plan to get out of debt?

We did set a limit last Christmas ($100 each) which worked out
very nicely! I've told him I don't want anything for my birthday this year (really I don't) but I think the limit should be $25 or $50. It's so much easier to have a set limit and then get creative with that amount.

**Greebo** · 08-06-2010, 02:40 PM

Originally Posted by gmarie

Thank you! I agree with you that he should do as he wishes, but doesn't that say something that he is not 100% on board with our plan to get out of debt?

You mean *your* (singular) plan to get out of debt. What *YOU* want to do is YOUR plan. What HE wants to do is HIS plan.

What you AGREE to do *together* is YOUR (plural) plan.

Originally Posted by gmarie

My problem is that I feel like i am "cheating" my husband out of his gifts by asking him to put his gifts towards our debt. I give him the option, and let him know what I would do, and so far he has chosen to spend his gifts

If you give him the option, and he *does* get a vote, and he votes to spend it, and you are still making progress on your plan anyway, here's my advice.

Shut up. Sit back. Lose the battle. Win the war.

You're making progress - you're WINNING. Relax a bit.

Now - like I said - if you're NOT winning, but falling behind each month, then you need to tell him in no uncertain terms, "We can't afford to BLOW this money bub. I know it's gift money but we're losing ground, so man up and suck it up - no frivolity!"

**2ndGenGranola** · 08-06-2010, 02:49 PM

Every plan I've seen has some allowances for a little "fun money" to kill the spend urges. I say to let him spend as he wishes so he will feel OK with the rest of the budget. All work and no play is pretty boring.

**gmarie** · 08-06-2010, 03:33 PM

Originally Posted by Greebo

You mean *your* (singular) plan to get out of debt. What *YOU* want to do is YOUR plan. What HE wants to do is HIS plan.

What you AGREE to do *together* is YOUR (plural) plan.

If you give him the option, and he *does* get a vote, and he votes to spend it, and you are still making progress on your plan anyway, here's my advice.

Shut up. Sit back. Lose the battle. Win the war.

You're making progress - you're WINNING. Relax a bit.

Now - like I said - if you're NOT winning, but falling behind each month, then you need to tell him in no uncertain terms, "We can't afford to BLOW this money bub. I know it's gift money but we're losing ground, so man up and suck it up - no frivolity!"

Thanks, we are starting to making some progress, but we have substantial consumer debt (79k to be exact).

We have 10k in cc debt (down from 18k), 11k car loan and the rest mostly in student loans.

We have a long way to go!

**greekislandgirl** · 08-06-2010, 03:40 PM

We actually don't have any "fun money" or "blow money" in our budget right now although a lot of our savings is going TOWARDS fun stuff (like our wedding) so I feel like that kind of counts.

But in our case, we did recently receive a $1000 gift (wow!) from my dad. We don't have debt but we put $700 towards our emergency fund, $200 towards our wedding fund, and $100 towards our travel fund (if I recall correctly). My dad was thrilled that that's what we chose to do with it. I think that gifts are GIFTS: they're YOURS, so do what YOU want with them. If you want to put them toward debt (or savings), do it! If you want to put them towards something fun, do it! As long as you are doing what you WANT, you're respecting the spirit of the gift.

**gmarie** · 08-06-2010, 03:49 PM

Originally Posted by MaryCarney

I would look at it this way - if someone gave him a gift of an actual object, would you expect him to return it and put the $$ toward debt? Would you do this if someone gave you a gift?

That is a very good way to look at it! Thank you.

Before reading DR's book, I would have no problem spending gift money on something nice for myself- but my perspective on spending has changed and I just can't stand the idea of spending money on frivolous things when I could be paying off a credit card.

We do budget fun money - it's just not a lot.

**satarac7** · 08-08-2010, 11:27 AM

GMarie,

You have been getting some solid information from other people on the site. I have my own opinion on the matter and I think if you are carrying 79k in debt, every penny you can spare should be going to paying off debt. This is a site dedicated to paying off debt and getting financially secure. Gift or not, any money coming into a household should be factored into you getting out of debt. Gazelle intense!!!!

I can say this because my wife and I have been throwing as much as we can at our debt for the last 20 months. Any bonus from work, shift differential, gift, or found money has been put toward getting us out of debt. By being gazelle intense and a little hard work we have paid off:

$16,000 in CC debt
$3,000 in various store cards
$24,000 truck

In addition, we have saved $15,000 for our fully funded emergency fund. We also moved into our new house Apr '09 and the furniture we have bought has been paid for in full with cash.

I am trying to get you to see that this is possible if you and your spouse get gazelle intense. You have to be on the same sheet of music. Budget to go out to the have the nice dinners but you need to keep your goals in mind. Later you can live like no one else!!!

I hope I did not come off too harsh. True commitment to getting out of debt takes a true change in lifestyle.

**dcompton** · 08-08-2010, 03:04 PM

The thing that struck me is that your husband did not spend the gift money frivolously. He bought work shoes, which presumably he needed or would need anyway, and a knife, an important tool for his work, again, something he would need.

I agree that a reasonable amount spent on special occasions like an anniversary does not seem to be out of line.

Perhaps with gifts you could agree that it can be spent if it is all for real need, or if it's play, perhaps split it 50/50 or some other percentage. But most of all, I agree with Greebo - you need to be together on what the goals are the best way to acheive them.

Edited to add: If your budget is so tight there is no breathing room at all for a little enjoyment burn out will come sooner or later and it will become much harder to stay on track.

**angelbumpkin** · 08-08-2010, 04:39 PM

gmarie.... you said your DH demands to go spend $$. My kids demand a lot things but that doesn't mean I will give into their demands. I love them but if the funds are not available or if I another goal that is little more important then I must say with firm love no.

Keep in mind you will feel so much better when you are financially free.

**khaski** · 08-08-2010, 04:41 PM

Welcome! A LOT of good ideas on here you've heard from others. If it were ME getting the $ I would snowball it, BUT I think your husband should do as he wishes, be it 'blow it' or snowall it. It's all 'your' (joint) $ as a married couple generally but not in this case as it's HIS gift- so let him choose whatever makes him happy.

As for verifying with the giver if the gift of $ must be used for something 'fun'- don't. I think it might make the giver feel strange, like they must ALWAYS give cash gifts, or make them feel alot of pressure to give more $ next time....not eeryone 'gets' living cheaply or having a driving desire to live debt free. To me it's be a little like someone giving you a summer bathrobe, and you looking at them and asking 'Can I ONLY wear this in the summer, or can I wear it in the winter too if the woodstove's running?'. You would never ask such a silly ? about a physical item you were given, looking for permision regarding it's use, don't do it with cash gifts, either. Just my opinion on it....