Feeling Resentful Over Double Standard

**Natalia** · 08-21-2010, 12:51 AM

Help! I need advice!

My husband and I have recently decided to buckle down, stick to a budget, cut grocery expenses and frivolous expenses, and pay down some debt!

He seems totally on-board and even suggested a money budgeting platform he saw online (free) .. where in the past he has gladly been the "ostrich" and pretty defensive/uncomfortable when I broached the subject of money.

Now, let me explain where we are. I am on disability, and my income is $2200 a month. We get child tax of $310 monthly. He is on Employment Insurance (layoff) and makes $1060 a month.

so here it is. While I am fine with the fact that he makes less than me, and even while working he makes less than me being off, he says that he "needs" $100 monthly as blow money. Any conversation from his end makes it sound like he's already totally scaling back the spending and making a major sacrifice to only have $100 monthly. He is also aware that given the current income and expenses, that means I can only take $50 monthly for myself. I know I shouldn't compare, but the more I think about it the more it bugs me.. and he inputted all our numbers today into the software.. and I don;t understand how he can feel like he deserves more blow money?

I really don;t want this to come between us and it's hard becasue I fear if I bring it up we will go back to our old dysfunctional habits of him resenting me for talking about money and buying things/hiding things behind my back. It has taken me a long time to change things so he doesn't feel the need to hide things anymore.

I feel like I'm treading on thin ice. If you have any suggestions, I'd love to hear them..
thanks!

**frugalfranny** · 08-21-2010, 01:02 AM

Yeow.......just heard that more couples split up over money than anything else.........not sure I believe it, but it must be right up there.

How about each have $75?

Sure seems like a lot of blow money though...........what is done with this money? Blow for WHAT??? If you are trying to pay down bills shouldn't MOST of the money be going for that? guess it depends on what the blow money is used for..........

**Natalia** · 08-21-2010, 01:24 AM

well he doesn;t drink , smoke or play golf, so there's that- but hsi vice is almost worse.

it's one of those role playing games with action figures (I call them barbies, lol) he spends a fortune and then spends a fortune more by shipping them to the US and having them professionally painted!

I have thought about the $75 each and it seems fair to me but I am honestly scared to bring it up and normally I am the "boss" so it's kind of a weird feeling, I just don't want the dynamics to change.

edit: just want to add that I have a pretty good feeling that even if he consents to lower blow money or equal blow money, that he will end up spending the $100 anyway and fibbing about it. (or maybe even more bc of rebellion)
I dont; even need $100 but its more the issue of me not wanting to resent him ove rthis- so I find myself thinking of ridiculous solutions like trim spending elsewhere without mentioning it to get equal $$. If I mention this is bothering me there is no way he'll volunteer to take a cut. He'll probably suggest to take the rest of out of the savings which we have none at the moment and only $100 budgeted monthly so that is NOT going to happen.

**mauimagic** · 08-21-2010, 02:32 AM

Don't blame you for feeling this way and it seems that there is more underlying stress going on - you are certainly should be his equal in 'blow'money - interesting hobby he has - and one that he continues to support - is there ever an end to it - but I digress.....take a deep breath - fight one battle at a time - at least he's giving up his ostrich status!!

**mamamia** · 08-21-2010, 03:21 AM

I can see your point completely! What I would hate to see though, is that you guys ruin your marriage over it. I also know that everybody needs some breathing room from the stress of everyday life, and so comes the "blow money need". So if it's a matter of negotiation, and I mean FAIR negotiation, I would suggest that you each take $50 personally for yourselves. That would leave $50, and I would suggest that you make that your "US" money. IF, you don't use it for a date night, or something else for the two of you's, then you can work it out to where maybe that particular month, the $50 will go to him, OR for that matter, maybe to you. AND! OR... it could be split, and you'd both get the $75 you already think is fair. In my reasoning, that $50 that's put aside, is now "open, fair game". If you both play your cards right, it can work fair and square.

Just my own 2 cents

Theresa

**Syn D** · 08-21-2010, 03:57 AM

My husband and I don't get any blow money for ourselves.. If we did it would only be like $20 a month.. Who needs $100 if everything is paid, even $50..

I'd say to him, "before your $100 is decided on, lets see where else we can cut so it's set up that we both get the same amount of blow money".

Marriage is 50/50, not who makes more or wants more, but equal..

**sunshine** · 08-21-2010, 08:40 AM

I'll just input from our own situation. . . . I get more blow money than dh. I work, he's on disability.

I get more blow money due to office expectations for various gifts like baby showers, boss's Christmas, funerals, and so on. . . plus eating out occasionally with co-workers, and such.

He has none of those expectations, as he has no boss, no co-workers, etc.

I get$50/month, he gets $30/month.

**mek42** · 08-21-2010, 08:49 AM

This is from a gamer who has played a few miniatures wargames (Wahammer: Fantasy and 40K, as well as Flames of War). "Professionally painted?" That's kind of like cheating. One of the fundamental reasons to play miniatures wargames is to do the modeling and painting yourself so it looks the way you want them to.

Having said this, I think now is the time that maybe he should stop buying more and just play with what he has for awhile. This may not as easy as it sounds - there's a sort of addictive collector aspect for some people - think on the same continuum, but not quite as bad, as hoarders.

Does he regularly play with another group? If not, maybe you could learn to play with him in exchange to quitting the buying - maybe at least you could try to assemble and paint stuff yourselves as a together activity to stop the needless [disdain]"professional painting"[/disdain] expense.

Also, it might be helpful to have some reward goals - after we pay off this debt, we'll use half the blow money to save up for this really expensive thingee. While doing this, point out that saving up would be faster or not even needed if the debts were just gone. If you know what system and armies he plays, it might help us provide specific examples here.

If you do decide to learn to play, he might not think it is challenging; to make it challenging, you should build both armies - couch this in military terms of this is the troop you've been ordered to lead and the enemy has better intelligence. Maybe even make it be the case that if his commander piece dies, he loses, to simulate "him" no longer being able to issue orders to the army. Again, better examples could be given with knowing the game.

You might be thinking that learning the game is the last thing you want to do. Have you ever had him go with you to a girlie movie? More importantly, is this a sacrifice you are unwilling to make for your marriage and your household? Lastly, you might just like it - especially if you get to the point where you can kick his butt!

**NikoSan999** · 08-21-2010, 08:57 AM

Originally Posted by mek42

Lastly, you might just like it - especially if you get to the point where you can kick his butt!

Truly laughing here! Good one Mek..

**frugalfoster** · 08-21-2010, 09:12 AM

A woman's biggest delight..beating her man at his own game... talk about power!!! LOL

I'd go with the $75 each..if you make him stay with the $50 it could cost you way more in the end!! If you don't need that much money yourself...save what you don't use and spend it later on something you might need!!

**Judi Dial** · 08-21-2010, 10:02 AM

I think Mek has a point. The "saving money" thing isn't "after our toys" it's everything. The way to do this without building that resentment is to get him to see that if you have to give up x, y, z that you like, or scale it back, then his gaming is also up for being scaled back.

If you join him in the gaming, then it becomes an "us" thing and not you vs. me, so i think that's a good idea too!

But if all your income is on the table as part of the consideration, all of his income is on the table as part of this, then ALL of the expenses are too, including the "blow" budget.

Judi

**frugalwarrior2** · 08-21-2010, 10:11 AM

The best thing that ever happened to us as a couple regarding money was I signed ME up for Dave Ramseys financial course. I have taken care of the bills for years,I have showed him what we are spending money on, It meant NOTHING to him. He has ADD and is impulsive. He always thought I was hiding money or something.
Well,DH tagged along,now he is on the computer,making suggestions and we can talk about money. It's not just math it's an emotional subject. I have to say you are dealing w/ a bit of childishness w/ your DH. The rewards system may work.
The D.Ramsey course I took (am still taking) was at a church for 13 weeks,has group discussion and fun,humorous videos of him. You should go to every one of the sessions but there is a book,workbook and internet access while in the course. It's ever so much better at this house now.
And my question is do you need more or are you stuck in "fair" yourself. Ask deep.

And I wholeheartedly disagree on the gaming. I would feel intruded upon if you joined me. Ask if he would like to do it together. It may be his "get away" time. Too much togetherness is sometimes too much.kwim.

**Contrary Housewife** · 08-21-2010, 11:33 AM

Originally Posted by Natalia

it's one of those role playing games with action figures (I call them barbies, lol) he spends a fortune and then spends a fortune more by shipping them to the US and having them professionally painted!

First, if you are calling them "barbies" he is probably feeling insulted and alienated and that is not helping your position any. As long as you continue to resent and belittle his hobby he is going to resist any limits you put on it.

You married because you liked him, and you accepted him for who he is, flaws and quirks and hobbies all. If you can't respect his interests you're going to have a hard time talking with him about them and getting any cooperation.

And I agree with Mek42, part of the hobby he is in is the painting and modeling. He should learn to do it himself. IMO, money is too tight for either of you to have much blow money, he should be content to play with what he has already until things get significantly better for you guys. Until then, you need to get on his good side, and accepting his game is a good first step.

**mateosbaby** · 08-21-2010, 01:16 PM

Originally Posted by frugalwarrior2

And I wholeheartedly disagree on the gaming. I would feel intruded upon if you joined me. Ask if he would like to do it together. It may be his "get away" time. Too much togetherness is sometimes too much.kwim.

I agree with this. My dh (all men, really) need some down time away from the stresses of work (or in your case, looking for a job, as my dh was at the beginning of this year). My dh loves it when I take an interest in something he's doing, but it has to be a genuine interest, not with some other goal in mind. Otherwise he is selfish about it.

Now we don't have any blow money for ourselves whatsoever. We do have a bigger eating out budget, though, because we enjoy that as a family. Once in a great while hubby goes to a movie, or takes the older kids to a movie (entertainment fund). But mostly we enjoy free things to do because we are very ready to get out of debt.

My suggestion, get used to having a budget at all - even if it's not exactly how you would like it to be - and get him used to seeing (paper chain idea?) that debt owed going down. He will most likely get more gazelle intense on his own. My dh did, and he was pretty against giving up movies and other fun family things at first. Our budget is really a work in progress, as we figure out different ways we can cut back or are willing to cut back. It's not set in stone from month to month by any means.

**frugalwarrior2** · 08-21-2010, 01:26 PM

That is part of the point I wanted to make too. As mateoB said visualization is key w/ all people. When I did dog rescue people complained about the cost of $150. (2001) for a dog,the other staffers were so aggrevated from all the complaining. So I put it all on a chart. The normal cost of vaccines,fixing,food. It became "how can you sell the dogs so cheap." The chain idea sounds great for him. And yes he has to feel part of the "team" not like an admonished child. Someone has to start and it will unfortunately/fortunately have to be you. What if you even switched back and forth over who gets more??