Credit Score & House vs. Family & Marriage

**KTDCPA** · 09-07-2010, 11:25 PM

My wife and I are raising a family and have three beautiful little girls ages 4, 3, and 8 months. However, we are doing so away from our families and currently have no support system in place. Since starting our family the whole process has been difficult and it's really taking a toll on our marriage. In addition, last year I was diagnosed with cancer and was successfully treated and my wife went through a high risk pregnancy that resulted in our newest baby to most likely need several surgeries starting this December. In most cases you hear people really coming together during crisis times, however my wife and I have drifted further apart due to all the stress and uncertainty.

We have come to the conclusion that we need to move back to our families. For one, we both really need the help and support as we are completely isolated from everyone, and two, life is short and we really want to share our children with our families. Our problem, like many other families right now, is that we are upside down in our house.

This past spring we listed our house for as low as we could afford but in over 60 days we didn't get a single offer. We pulled it off the market, however, our relationship has only gotten worse to the point that were not sure we can survive together.

Financially, speaking we are actually in fairly good shape. We have no consumer debt thanks to Dave, and our credit score is fairly high as it's over 760, which we have worked very hard at. We are now in a position that we are seriously considering a short sale which I know will thrash our credit and really set us back for 2-3 years. We've gone back and fourth on trying to stay, but we are both convinced that if we are going to get our relationship back we need to make some serious life changes and moving closer to family is number one.

As I'm typing this I know how stupid is sounds, obviously my wife and family are more important than a credit score and house but I am just to cought up in details I don't feel I have the ability to make a rational & objective decision right now. Also, we owe $225 on our house but realistically it would only sell for $190-200. Going through all the mess of a short sale for $20K just dosen't seem to make sense so I keep telling myself we can just stick this out...when I'm genuinly afraid that if we do I may come out in a few years with perfect credit but a divorce.

I'm just so confused. Would Dave recommend actively seeking a short sale, which could end up a foreclosure, or just stay the course and roll with the punches?

**Greebo** · 09-08-2010, 09:26 AM

Maybe - how long would it take you to save up enough to be able to cover the sale yourself?

**jas** · 09-08-2010, 11:18 AM

Marriage first. Without that what have you got? A great credit score. Which in most divorces goes in the crapper anyway. Keep the house on the market and go from there. Normally I would not say ditch the house, but if you are going to lose your wife and kids because you can't get closer to extended family and get some relief because of the health issues it seems a high price to pay.

Can you rent it out? Then in the future sell when the market gets better.

**mom2three** · 09-12-2010, 08:36 PM

First, you are in quite a stressful situation and support is nice. Do you have anything -friends, church, cancer survivor support group? Can you date again even if it's just after the kids are in bed or hire a sitter. Can you go to counseling? Family can be bad or good depending on the situation. One of the most stressful times in our marriage - I had a job, was finishing my thesis, had a horrible second pregnancy and very ill baby. We were 2000 km away from family,my hubby was stressed and ill and not very helpful and my boss kept suggesting I get a divorce. I had a job, school, family, and house to handle. we were upside down in house due to changes we had to make due to air quality.

What did I do? I prayed. I cried. I worked my touche off. I started to use advice from The Five Love Languages (Gary Chapman) and complimenting my husband on whatever I could or just hugging him more (his love languages are "words of affirmation" and physical touch). I started thinking about things I was grateful for and stopped the "poor me" attitude. I had one friend that actually helped out enough for me to finish my thesis, but it was an uphill battle. I pondered my marriage vows and decided divorce was not an option.

Forward six years -it took a while, but we are doing better than ever. We have managed to move closer to family (still 3 1/2 and 5 1/2 hours away). I am now a SAHM (I ended up losing my job due to funding cuts during this period) and very happy. We are expecting baby#5 in a month. We also had to go through diet changes (child #2 has celiac disease and many other food issues)and everyone is healthier. Family doesn't necessarily provide the needed support -my mom is negative and not capable of helping with the children (and she is only 55!). Hubby's mom helped when last kid born, but not able to now (hubby's parents are 75). however, my kids have better relationships with grandparents and extended family.

My advice - wait and see -investigate job market (it took us four years to find a job for hubby nearer to family), work on strenthening your marriage using tools that you have (try reading The Five Love Languages -it is written from a Christian viewpoint,but has lots in it for everyone). Make any necessary fixes to your house if you decide to put it on the market. Get sleep when you can (thiswas one of my most sleep-deprived times which didn't help the mental stress).

I'm rattling on -you can do this.

**3tomboys** · 09-12-2010, 11:22 PM

Is renting your home an option? This might allow you to move closer to family and work on your marriage without a short sale. In the early 90's DH was offered an opportunity that we felt could not be ignored, but the housing market in CA was not good. We went the short sale route, but it didn't work out for us. We let the bank have the house in the end. We both agree that it was one of the best decissions we ever made. 6 1/2 years after the bank took the house we were able to buy another home. During the 6 1/2 year period we were able to lease some beautiful homes.

**NikoSan999** · 09-14-2010, 09:44 PM

If OP is not in a non recourse state he will undoubtedly be responsible for the difference in what is owed and what it is sold for...plus all the garbage fees added in which are considerable.

Even if not he will be issued a 1099C and pay the difference, plus garbage fees, at the tax rate accordingly to the IRS.

Something to take in consideration.

**roxygirl** · 09-14-2010, 11:05 PM

Have you and your wife tried counseling? I think everyone here will agree that your marriage and family always come first. Always. But what if moving closer to family doesn't have the impact you are hoping for? My husband and I have gone through a lot of stressful events during our marriage and I know what you mean about the hard things in life making you grow farther apart rather than closer. I think, the difference with the couples who stick together and become stronger and those who drift farther apart, is not necessarily the situation they are in, or the amount of support they have from others, but how strong and effective their relationship is.

I would say do what you need to in order to make moving closer to family a reality (house on market, job opportunities, ect) but also lookk into counseling and finding ways to feel closer to one another. I think it's easier to believe that a change of scenary will save your marriage (and it may very well make a difference) than to discover what is not working right now and focusing on correcting that. Good luck and I hope that you will find a way to move closer to your family (because no matter what, it sounds like that is important to you and your wife) and that the two of you can grow closer again.

**Lorelei** · 09-23-2010, 11:05 PM

Is there anyone in your family that could come and help out occasionally? If you can afford to fly a relative to you on a regular basis might help reduce stress until you are able to move.

**Dancing Lotus** · 09-24-2010, 09:42 AM

In the nextfew weeks my husband and I will have to make the some decision. We are looking at all our options and when we decide what to do I will be glad to share our experience with you.

We too have to come to realize it's the house or the family. Family wins and now we just have to make a plan. Best wishes to you and your family.