husbands slipping off track-yikes!

[khaski]

So I am the ultra nerd, I need my budget notebooks, my charts, my beloved calculator. Hubby is the free spirit, if left solely to him bills remain unpaid not due to lack of funds but due to lack of attention to due dates. Been seriously following a slightly modified tmmo plan since 7/10 (modified in that we continue to slowly build our ef and add to retirement here and there). We went from $28k+ debt outside of mortgage to now under $13k. I am home with 2 small kids, dabbled in eBay sales, breed dogs, sell 2-4 liters a year. Hubbys works 55-75 hours a week between job and own business, hours vary. I feel like 'yay, end of debt in site, push on through, done before 2012 rolls around' whereas hubbys feels more like ' we've reduced it so much, I am working like a madman with no toys to show for it'. I am getting very irritated having to keep re-visiting our budget to show him our agreed upon #s for the month that leave no room for $200+ unneeded purchases, he feels like he works so hard all the time he should be able to. I am doubly resentful about the request for bigger ticket fun stuff because in the last 4 months we have agreed on purchases for him like an Android phone (bumps up our cell bill $40 a month) and $100+in 'to make it run better' chainsaw parts ( in lieu of the new $600 one he really wants, when our old one is fine). I concede to some things as I have an easier time cutting back than he, buy lately it feels like he's wanting more and more and we have almost $13k consumer debt left. I literally will not spend $2 on a drive through coffee! We do eat or go out for fun that costs a bit of $ ($40-60) every other month or so. Anyone else hit this wall as you got closer to the finish line? Suggestions?

[Ceashels]

Have you told him that you are becoming resentful? That's a big communication hurdle for you two.

I would point out to him that he has new toys... the Android and the increased in monthly costs is a big one. That is $480 extra a year for him to play with.

He might need to see it in black and white again. Have you two been to FPU? Sometimes a revisit to some of the lessons can get someone refocused.

[Shelli_wnj]

What helps for us is when I break it down for my husband 2 ways. The first is how much per hour things are costing. So that droid phone is costing X hours worth of work a month. The other way is to show him (on a grocery reciept) how much (or in this case how little) we are spending on food because of how hard I work to go to sales with coupons and stock up on sales, etc. Or whatever else you do to save money. We have everything on strip plugs because we are trying to lower the electric bill. SO I would say that coffee is like leaving the computer on all day for 2 days, or we line dry laundry, so that's like 2 loads of laundry that I could have put in the dryer. Comparisons work for him. Not everyone is the same, and I agree with ceashells, that communication is first and formost.

[McD]

Do you guys have weekly fun money in the budget?

It's possible to get burnt out on following the budget and sometimes being able to buy that $2 coffee makes it much easier to stay on track.

[Ramona]

I understand your discipline, I admire it very much and also his feeling that working so many hours may "entitle" him to a little fun each month.

Can money be set aside for him to spend? Can it be the "eating out" money?

[cottageliving]

perhaps you can set up a reward system that will keep him motivated. You have paid down a great deal so far thanks to your hard work and his -- maybe let him have $200 to spend as he wishes when you get to $10,000 and another $200 when you get the balances down to $5000. I don't think he will be able to stay on track as strongly as you are able, but this may abe a way to keep him on task with you. All the best.

[bubbas.daddy]

Hang in there!!!!!!
We allow ourselves a coffee treat once every two months.....
Lol today it was hot chocolate....it was very yummmy
we got done and said it was good and felt a lil guilty.....

[MrMom]

Wife and I are both somewhat nerdy but also have a free spirit side as well, we do have our funmoney ($30 a month) but if our budget allowed we would certainly put more into funmoney.

I like that suggestion of small amounts at certain milestones, that might even spark him to achieve say the 10K mark sooner!

Or suggest maybe if he wants this new toy to consider what he isn't using and maybe make a craigslist barter post (his no longer being used generator for their whatever or cash sale price)... Then maybe he could find something he needs and trade for it or sell something to raise the $ to get that other thing.

Heck I am so new to the DR way of life only in week 3 and don't even have the full course (just stuff from the library) but maybe something there idea wise would help spark something?

Bill

[khaski]

I did write out our remain in debt and how long it would take to pay them off if we go back to min. payments...even he agrees 20+ yrs to pay off a $3k cc balance isn't attractive! I just feel like he's already got a lot of 'fun' $ for now, considering what we're working on (I forgot to mention he takes $20-30 once a month to go see his friend about 1 hour away, they always order out and rent movies, whatnot). I like the 'rewards' suggestion some of you have made, maybe we'll try that.

[krbshappy71]

The going-out-to-eat or bit-of-fun money may be what he needs to himself. Is it possible to give him that money for his own choice (or any small amount) so when he feels the need to treat himself he can? I understand you've given allowances for items requested, but sometimes its really nice just to have a small wad of cash in the wallet that is used freely, without having to ask for it. His fun sounds structured and wanting a coffee here and there is "unstructured" spending, maybe that's what he is craving?

I wouldn't say he's getting off track, off track would be spending it and asking for forgiveness afterwards.

Hang in there!

[MrMom]

Finding a common ground between the nerd and free spirit is something many no doubt go thru, the triggers that make you both tick are different.

You probably sleep better when you know you tweeked the numbers and paid an extra 4% towards debt that month where he may sleep better knowing he has worked hard enough to afford a new item without guilt.

I think having those heart to hearts about what you and he both want/need might help, even if you had one 2 months ago sometimes wants/needs/feelings change and having those talks can help bring you both back into focus yet also offering the opportunity to discuss solutions to any areas you feel are needing attention.

I will admit I/we are SO new to all of this, but I have found SO much peace with my wife talking about these things in the last month I am for once sleeping more than 5 hrs a night now and for once my blood pressure and anxiety is MUCH lower than it was before.

What you guys have accomplished so far is inspiring and I can't wait to hang out here more learn adjust and eventually get to a point where I can take part in others and eventually have a debt free party of our own!!!

Wishing you the best on whichever path you two take on this, and hopefully finding that common ground for both of you is where you'll end up meeting in the end to continue your history of success!

Bill

[Nishu]

Without knowing the specifics of your situation, I'd say that you should consider loosening up a bit and get him to agree to a little more fun money on the condition that he stays within that fun money budget. It may take you a little longer to pay off your bills, but it's better than stressing to the point that it causes an outright budget rebellion.

You guys need to agree on the budget, and if you don't agree then it's really not much of a budget. It also sounds like you guys are on track still, so it doesn't really sound like something worth nagging over.

Good luck, I hope you guys get it straightened out.

[mndtrp]

I can see where he is coming from, and I'm more the nerd in our relationship. The budget needs to be a compromise, and something that should be revised occasionally. If he has these feelings, they are just as legitimate as your feelings, and all need to be addressed.

It seems it would be easiest to have an "allowance" for each of you every month. If his personal wants are more than the allowance, he would have to save for a few months to get whatever he wants. If you want your allowance to go to the debt, that's certainly fine, too. Discerning what the amount of the allowance is going to be is the difficult part.

I don't think that the higher cost cell phone plan should come out of the spending money, but it's certainly something that would have to be discussed, while showing what will happen in the areas that will now be shortchanged a bit.

[mom2three]

I agree that your husband needs a little extra in the budget. Hubby is more on board than before (but still needs a change in attitude about want/needs). We had to budget $60/pay for him (every two weeks). This is basically 2 lunches plus a few coffee or a beer at weekly curling. Without this limit, he spends much more. If I ask him not to spend, he gets resentful. We need to get him tracking it better though. He also took a sessional teaching position to bring in extra money. We agreed that he would buy one thing (a type of golf pass for `$400 or about one of the eight pays) from it, and we would use the rest for basic household needs and debt repayment (turns out our groceriy bill is much higher than the budgeted amount so I'm working on getting it down while he has the extra job).

[mndtrp]

Give you husband his spending money in cash. It's simple to keep track of that way.