accepting a gift

**gmarie** · 03-10-2011, 11:04 AM

Can someone please refresh my memory on the "rules" of accepting a gift? I know that you are never supposed to give or accept a loan. And I know that you are supposed to freely give to others in need if you can afford it.

So what are the rules on accepting a large monetary gift from a family member?

Does it still change relationships? Does it matter if you believe the giver can't afford it, even if they think they can?

Thanks!

**nuisance26** · 03-10-2011, 12:26 PM

~I'm not aware of DR's opinion on gifts but my personal opinion is to take it with thanks.
Judging a person's ability to "afford" the gift they offer is insulting to the giver. They may in truth be sacrificing something to give you the gift but that just makes it more special. The world would be a nicer place if more people gave like that.
The only person I would never take money from is a person who likes to call in "favors" in return for the gift.~

**gmarie** · 03-10-2011, 12:39 PM

Thank you.

Also, I should note that this a gift to pay for education, not a gift to do as we wish.

**Ceashels** · 03-10-2011, 12:46 PM

As long as the gift is used as it was intended, in this case, education, then I don't think it would change the relationship at all.

I've seen people receive gifts and use it for things other than intended and that is what causes hard feelings and resentment.

You are very lucky to get such gift. Enjoy it graciously and give to others as you are able.

**HoustonDave** · 03-10-2011, 12:48 PM

Originally Posted by gmarie

Thank you.

Also, I should note that this a gift to pay for education, not a gift to do as we wish.

I would suggest that it depends on whether the gift was hinted/solicited or not. If not, then it is pretty obvious you should take the gift, though you might want to ask them to send it directly to the school so they feel good that it went where they expected.

I had a relative who was in a bind, behind on utility payments and going to lose furniture and have utilities turned off. They asked for a loan. We believed that a loan would just hurt them, put them further behind and now indebted to US. So we told them we would not loan them the money but would pay the two bills directly and told them that because we were helping them we expected them to be more responsible with their finances.

Ok good so far.

So the next week (expletive) gets his paycheck and buys a used motorcycle in a deal that was "too good to pass up". You can imagine our reaction.

Note that I am not comparing you to them in any way!

What I am saying is that if people do give you a gift of money to help you in some way, think about how you spend your own "freed up" money that you will have as a result. If you go out and do something irresponsible or extravagant with your OWN money afterward, they may feel like their gift was in vain.

My mama always said, when you let someone help you financially, you give them a limited license to meddle in your finances. That's just the way it works. Even with a gift. I try to always keep that in mind.

**gmarie** · 03-10-2011, 01:07 PM

The gift was not hinted/solicited, actually it is quite the opposite. This person has offered us money (smaller amounts for living expenses) quite a few times and we have declined.

I am very independent, and it would be emotionally difficult for me to accept a gift, although this gift would enable us to finish his degree without taking on any more debt. (it would be being for half, and other half we could pay in cash)

My DH has put a lot of thought into it and has decided that he absolutely wants his degree (whether or not we take the money), and I feel that as his wife, I need to be supportive. Our original intention was the degree, but after completing the first half of his school, he was offered a promotion that included great pay and benefits, so we decided to put it off.

At this point, our answer to her is No, thank you. But, I posted here in hopes of getting an unbiased opinion on accepting a gift. Because, maybe I am being stubborn. My biggest fear is that I'm giving up control of our lives and would give this person, as you say, the "license to meddle."

Thanks!

**frugalfranny** · 03-10-2011, 02:10 PM

Originally Posted by Ceashels

I've seen people receive gifts and use it for things other than intended and that is what causes hard feelings and resentment.
)

OH YEAH! You said it there!! BTDT

Originally Posted by gmarie

Does it matter if you believe the giver can't afford it, even if they think they can?

I think it should matter........if you are SURE that you know their finances. Maybe they CAN afford it. For others, it could be just a case of having a bigger heart than they do bank account.

I would worry --if they were elderly---that they might be put in a position later and need the money, that they gave me, and I wouldn't be able to help them!!

So, having said that.........guess it DOES change relationships. It would for me
anyway.

**HoustonDave** · 03-10-2011, 03:14 PM

Originally Posted by gmarie

The gift was not hinted/solicited, actually it is quite the opposite. This person has offered us money (smaller amounts for living expenses) quite a few times and we have declined.

That puts the tone in the right place. Great!

Originally Posted by gmarie

At this point, our answer to her is No, thank you. But, I posted here in hopes of getting an unbiased opinion on accepting a gift. Because, maybe I am being stubborn. My biggest fear is that I'm giving up control of our lives and would give this person, as you say, the "license to meddle."

Really it all comes down to emotion on this one. It's not WRONG to accept the gift by any stretch. But is she the type to meddle? Are you guys the type to take it personally? Will you feel guilty, as if it was an obligation you had to pay back in the future through a gift in return?

IF you feel she can afford it, IF she does not have a strong meddling instinct, and IF you guys are being generally responsible with your finances, (that's 3 big IFs) I would probably:

Accept the offer graciously.
Ask her to pay it directly to the school.
Refrain from any fancy purchases or expensive trips for the next 12 months to show that I respected the opportunity she had given me.

That last item is important IMO. A gift such as that, should you accept it, does come with an obligation to use the opportunity wisely, and to show that you are doing so.

That's if it were me tho

**gmarie** · 03-10-2011, 04:33 PM

Thank you for your input. I really appreciate it.

It's funny, but it's the opposite. We are in the middle of our debt snowball, and have become very frugal over the past year. We have no extravagant purchases planned by any means. We changed our mind against school b/c we couldn't pay cash for it.
It is this particular giver who doesn't understand frugality, seems to spend every penny she has, and is even expecting us to go on a family vacation next year as well. Those issues are a big reason that DH and are hesitant to take the gift. While, none of our business, the money is probably coming out of her retirement, and I do fear she will show up broke on our doorstep one day.

**mndtrp** · 03-10-2011, 07:09 PM

I've only accepted one cash gift from a member of my family, my father. He was of the mind that it makes more sense to help out his children earlier in life, instead of leaving an inheritance when he dies. He's not the type to hold anything over my head for accepting the gift, and he's not the type to get involved in my finances without my asking. I told him what I was using the gift for, and I made sure it was something that he would approve of. The gift was never brought up again.

If you have any hangups about receiving the gift, then I wouldn't. I'm not sure the best way to decline the offer, while not hurting any feelings.