I took a Stand!!!

**larabelle** · 09-22-2011, 05:03 PM

Dave frequently has callers who are in crazy family entanglements and I would listen and think to myself why did they agree to that well now I understand how/why...
My mother called me and said "Your brother's children want to take music lessons. Can you pay for the lessons for one child? Cause they can not afford it." I said "no".
Now this is the same brother :
1.) who thinks that the Dave Ramsey program is a farce
2.) who regularly makes fun of my frugal/thrifty lifestyle
2.) whose children each have new cell phones as well as every electronic gadget known to man
3.) who frequently takes these same children out to eat
4.) who pays retail for everything and thinks it is below him to even think about entering let alone buying anything from a thrift store
5.) who owns not one, not two but three vehicles of which one is brand spanking new
6.) who lives rent free, has free health insurance and gets a big discount on groceries
7.) who earns a decent salary
My mother was shocked at my refusal and immediately tried to lay the guilt trip on me stating that since I am single and have a decent salary I should help. I stuck by my guns and it felt good but scary to do so. I kept remembering how Dave says that you should not throw money at stupid situations and bad behavior.

**kcsmom76** · 09-22-2011, 05:11 PM

Wow, larabelle!! That takes alot of gall to ask something like that of someone.

Did you ask your mother why she didn't pay for it since she should be done paying her bills and they are HER grandchildren??

LOL!! My mouth is gaping open at this one.

**larabelle** · 09-22-2011, 05:15 PM

Oh and before you ask "Yes" I gave my mother some frugal alternatives to reaching this goal.
I told my mother that maybe my brother could
1.) contact the musicians at their church to see if one of them may be interested in giving economically priced lessons
2.) contact their local community college for a musically accomplished student ...as college students are always looking for ways to earn a little money
3.) stop eating out so much to pay for the lessons
4.) decrease their cell phone plan to pay for the lessons
My mother was not interested in any of these suggestions...oh well...I feel better that I at least offered some alternatives.
My mother was VERY angry as we ended the telephone conversation...but I felt so empowered.

**larabelle** · 09-22-2011, 05:19 PM

Originally Posted by kcsmom76

Wow, larabelle!! That takes alot of gall to ask something like that of someone.

Did you ask your mother why she didn't pay for it since she should be done paying her bills and they are HER grandchildren??

LOL!! My mouth is gaping open at this one.

Oh I forgot to add that mom said in a wistful tone "I need you to pay for the lessons cause I am paying, out of my meager retirement, for the instrument."
I just kept saying to myself as she said this "stupid, stupid, stupid". But I just remembered from the "Boundaries" book that she is responsible for her own financial decisions as she is in her right mind.

**Nishu** · 09-22-2011, 05:49 PM

The way I see it, if you paid for your brother, you'd basically be sacrificing your new car, cell phone and dinners out just so that he can have a new car, cell phone and dinners out. I have a hard time giving money to people who have more toys than I do.

**nuisance26** · 09-22-2011, 08:45 PM

Originally Posted by Nishu

I have a hard time giving money to people who have more toys than I do.

~I feel this way too. I try so hard not to be judgmental since very few people live as frugally/simply as I do but the entitlement that's out there is frustrating. Where's the pride in self-sufficiency and hard work?
OP, you were totally in the right and I'm happy you stood your ground!~

**sinopa27** · 09-22-2011, 09:39 PM

May I ask how does your brother get to do #6 of your list of your initial post??
I am glad you stood your ground!! Looks like your brother wouldn't do that for you if it was vice versa.

**nodmicks** · 09-22-2011, 09:52 PM

Good for you saying no!!! That was a lot of gall for her to even ask!

**Debbie-cat** · 09-22-2011, 10:31 PM

Way to go!!!! He can darn well pay for his own children's lessons! You are sooo right in saying no and as far as your mother is concerned, she (and your brother) should be taking financial lessons from you!

**Booklover** · 09-22-2011, 10:47 PM

Good for you! And so what if your mom is angry now-you have every right to be outraged at the suggestion. We have some relatives that sound very similar to your brother, and we stand our ground. Talk about bold. Good for you on the "Boundaries" book. It can really make one feel like they are not the bad guy, and enables oneself to put the blame and guilt feelings where they really belong. I'll bet a lot of toxic relatives have lost their power thanks to that book!

**TheRootedNomad** · 09-23-2011, 07:15 AM

First off let me just say WAY TO GO!!! I needed to read that post this morning. I have an incredibly hard time when it comes to saying no to my family. I do it, but I struggle internally with it.

Originally Posted by larabelle

Oh I forgot to add that mom said in a wistful tone "I need you to pay for the lessons cause I am paying, out of my meager retirement, for the instrument."
I just kept saying to myself as she said this "stupid, stupid, stupid". But I just remembered from the "Boundaries" book that she is responsible for her own financial decisions as she is in her right mind.

I think I may need to find a copy of that book. I can use the positive reinforcement as I struggle with not feeling like I can do anything for my parents right now (even things I would just want to because I can) because they, who are in a vvvvveeeerrrrryyyyy low income/budget place, are continueing to make bad choices for themselves because they are bailing my sister out of her disaster ..... AGAIN! Anything I do for them means more they can enable her. At this point I really feel like she needs to truely crash and burn. I feel like now, as she has no kids yet and plenty of years to recover, is better than later. ok stepping off the

**moasmom** · 09-23-2011, 12:06 PM

Breaking patterns in relationships is hard. You should be very proud of yourself. From here on out, each time will get a lot easier.

Kara

**larabelle** · 09-23-2011, 12:24 PM

Originally Posted by sinopa27

May I ask how does your brother get to do #6 of your list of your initial post??
I am glad you stood your ground!! Looks like your brother wouldn't do that for you if it was vice versa.

He is in the US military and gets free base housing, free health insurance and reduced groceries on the military bases. Instead of free I should have said that "you and I" and all other US tax payors pay for him and his family to recieve these benefits.

**larabelle** · 09-23-2011, 12:27 PM

Originally Posted by moasmom

Breaking patterns in relationships is hard. You should be very proud of yourself. From here on out, each time will get a lot easier.

Kara

Thanks it is good to know that it will get easier and hopefully she will not ask in the future...I know I know that is just wishful thinking......

**Nishu** · 09-23-2011, 12:29 PM

Military housing isn't free. His rent is deducted from his paycheck and you and I are paying for his benefits in order to maintain a standing military. These benefits are part of his compensation. They're not really 'free.'