I prob sound selfish, but it's stressing me out $$ wise

**Wendy99** · 07-22-2008, 09:46 PM

My husband and I are in a wedding the end of next month. I have to pay for my dress, alterations, undergarments (it's a strapless dress - so you ladies know what i mean), shoes, hair (and think I have a friend to do my make up), my husband has to pay for renting a tux and we need to host a bridal shower (invitations/long distance telephone calls, food, gifts, etc) & pay for both a bridal shower gift & wedding gift. We are very excited for my friend, but unfortunately we don't have a lot of money (I'm not naive in thinking that because we have our roof & patio door saved up for & our baby EF that we are out of the woods - things happen & we need a bigger EF, but that's not happening probably until September when we can save full force for that again).

So anyways long story short the wedding has been called on and off several times & I'm stressing for the sake of my friend (this not going would break her heart of course), but also stressing about the money on our end. I know that sounds selfish, but I'm scared of losing money that we don't have for something that may not happen. I haven't looked for anything to wear under the dress, accessories, shoes etc yet and I'm scared that when it comes time to pick up the dress that I may lose that money for a dress I may never wear if they decide again to call it off. The wedding is in 4 weeks, but I'm only home for 2 of the 4 weekends left and this weekend I have plans (its my children's birthday), next weekend is a long weekend here .. and the date that if this wedding goes on that is suppose to be the day I throw the bridal shower (but again I have not been given the go ahead for that by the bride, so i haven't done anything yet)...

So anyways not really sure what I'm asking .. maybe I'm just venting and again I know I'm being selfish thinking about the money part, when this wedding possibly not happening would affect so much more for my friend (the bride), but I can't help but think that money is so needed for us & if the wedding goes on I have no problem saving it up and paying for it (although I dont think I can save much more in the couple weeks we have left as our vacation falls right inbetween now and the wedding )(will be saving either way till we know), but if it doesnt happen I can't help but think we will be hundreds of dollars out (and to us that is a big amount!!)

**pecunierrant** · 07-22-2008, 09:55 PM

You're not being selfish worrying for your family's finances over this. As a matter of fact, I think your friend is expecting a little too much out of you with the new clothes bridal shower and gifts. If it were possible, I'd suggest the shower and your being there be the gift to the couple.

As for the new clothes, did the bride to be pick the dress or can you buy or rent something in her color scheme?

If she is in on how you're trying to save and are pinched maybe you could discuss these things in a quiet moment when you're alone?

If anything a little venting here can do wonders. Hope it all goes well.

**Wendy99** · 07-22-2008, 10:15 PM

She picked the brides maid dresses & was nice enough to cover the deposit on all the girls dresses (about $100 she put towards mine). I prob owe another $200 by the time I pay the rest get the dress altered to fit me. Undergarments prob about $30 and shoes if I'm lucky $20, but I have larger feet so prob around $40 - $50. Hair is about $25 I'd guess (but I would need it done, being the maid of honor and being in pictures etc), the bride said she would do my make up (I usually don't wear much if any so I'm not comfortable doing my own). I have talked to her several times about the money, but I guess things are tight for them too. I accepted being the maid of honor because it is an honor & I would love be!! The financial part wouldn't stress me out if I knew the marriage was 100% going to happen (but everytime I talk they have issues & have called off the wedding, then the next day its back on - happens prob once a week in the last few weeks). So if I knew it was happening for sure I'd suck it up and deal with the financial aspect any which way I could (although either way it's hard, but then at least it would be for a reason). I just wish they would say yes its going on .. or no its not going on .. you know what I mean? My husband hasn't even been called about which tux he is to rent or anything so we have a guess that his would be about $100 (plus the gas to go out of town to get it etc). The wedding is 2 paychecks away and I have my vacation (which the camping part is paid for, but we need to pay for the gas, ice firewood etc etc). AHHHHHH. So all the dress fittings, tux rental stuff, shower would have to happen the first weekend in August, but like I said I have no idea if it's going on to begin with so I have no idea if that stuff will be happening or not.

**FrugalMomof3** · 07-22-2008, 10:48 PM

I dont know if maybe you should have a talk with her, as a friend, I am sure she would understand, I know I would... you can also explain to her with this on and off stuff it's very nerve racking.

2ndly, that's why I never agree to be IN a wedding, I just couldnt afford it, dont forget on top of everything that you have to WEAR to a wedding, there is the gift as well.

**Greebo** · 07-23-2008, 05:55 AM

Question:

Would you be stressed out about the money if the wedding happened without a hitch?

If you don't mind spending the money if the wedding does happen, then it would have been money lost anyway.

If you mind spending it, even if it happens, then you need to talk to your friend and tell her that you're having trouble meeting the cost of all this "one time" clothing on your budget.

**Sonnenwende** · 07-23-2008, 06:40 AM

Originally Posted by FrugalMomof3

I dont know if maybe you should have a talk with her, as a friend, I am sure she would understand, I know I would... you can also explain to her with this on and off stuff it's very nerve racking.

2ndly, that's why I never agree to be IN a wedding, I just couldnt afford it, dont forget on top of everything that you have to WEAR to a wedding, there is the gift as well.

Basically. If a bride has a dream, she can pay for it. I think it is almost tacky that a bride insists that pay stupid amounts of money buying things you wouldn't normally need or use just for the honour of being in her party.

My wedding cost me very little and nearly 4 years later, it didn't make any difference in how married we are. It was one of the best several days of my life.

Good luck. I would just tell her no, but obviously, I am not you, and I know it can be difficult to say that.

**savvymom** · 07-23-2008, 09:22 AM

It's possible the calling the wedding off every other day is just cold feet. Planning a wedding is a stressful event. I also understand your frustration, but more than the money, it might be a good idea to really sit down and talk to your friend and make sure this is THE ONE!

If everyone is just assuming cold feet maybe no one has taken the time to hear what she has to say about everything. If one or both of them want to call it off it can be embarrassing and scary, and sometimes people just think it's easier to just do it and deal with the unhappiness later.

I would talk with her about the relationship before the money, once you get to the bottom of is it cold feet or plain don't wanna get married. THEN discuss your concerns financially. If she doesn't want to get married then the financial discussion won't need to be brought up.

I'm sure this sounds cold, that is not my intention. Sounds like a good talk as friends is in order here, good luck to you and your friend!

**frugalandsimple** · 07-23-2008, 09:29 AM

Originally Posted by pecunierrant

You're not being selfish worrying for your family's finances over this. As a matter of fact, I think your friend is expecting a little too much out of you with the new clothes bridal shower and gifts.

If she is in on how you're trying to save and are pinched maybe you could discuss these things in a quiet moment when you're alone?

If anything a little venting here can do wonders. Hope it all goes well.

I agree. Talk about it to your friend and see what she says.

Originally Posted by FrugalMomof3

2ndly, that's why I never agree to be IN a wedding, I just couldnt afford it, dont forget on top of everything that you have to WEAR to a wedding, there is the gift as well.

Main reason why I wouldn't want to be in a wedding is beacause I don't like wearing dresses.

Originally Posted by Greebo

Question:

Would you be stressed out about the money if the wedding happened without a hitch?

If you don't mind spending the money if the wedding does happen, then it would have been money lost anyway.

If you mind spending it, even if it happens, then you need to talk to your friend and tell her that you're having trouble meeting the cost of all this "one time" clothing on your budget.

Well said. Is there a way you can talk yourself out of being in the wedding because of financial reasons?

**Momof3girls** · 07-23-2008, 10:54 AM

A pet peeve of mine, is how expensive it can be to be in some weddings. A lot of wasted money IMHO
A lot of money spent for one day.
I wish people would spend $100 or less on bridesmaid dresses.
I have several of those suckers in my own closet, worn once of course!

**Sonnenwende** · 07-23-2008, 11:28 AM

Originally Posted by Momof3girls

A pet peeve of mine, is how expensive it can be to be in some weddings. A lot of wasted money IMHO
A lot of money spent for one day.

I know. I was watching a show about wedding planning and some people might as well have been taking out mortgages to finance a single day. One couple was on the verge of divorce before the wedding even was held because of the out of control wedding costs.

**PuddingPop** · 07-23-2008, 12:31 PM

If you are hosting the Bridal shower, providing all the food , drinks, male dancers (LOL), etc., then why do you feel the need to still give her a shower gift as well as a wedding gift.

Call me crazy but if I was hosting a bridal shower for someone at my expense, they better not expect a shower gift from me . They would be highly disappointed if they did. The Bridal shower is the gift IMHO.

As far as the wedding being called off every Other week, just speak to your friend openly and let her know flat out thatyou dont have any money to waste and she needs to assure you that the wedding indeed will take place.

**Toonces2** · 07-23-2008, 01:56 PM

I agree with the others to talk to her about the relationship and then go from there about the money.

As far as the shower, you don't need to buy her a gift in addition to throwing the shower, the shower is the gift. I threw one as a maid of honor and my gift to the bride was the centerpiece I used on the cake table. It was already part of my decorating budget and she loved it.

I know this must be stressing you out, the uncertainty of it all would upset me too! Good luck!

**Wendy99** · 07-23-2008, 10:26 PM

Thanks for all the advice!! It's such a hard situation and coming up on 4 weeks now and still not knowing if it's going through. This is the first time I've ever been in a wedding party (aside from being the bride in my own wedding) and I appreciate the advise that if I'm hosting the wedding shower that I need not buy a gift. So that's one less expense there. It's the groom that's getting cold feet, not the bride & she wants it to continue no matter what - it's very frustrating for her and hard for anyone to understand why he would do this after the invitations have went out. I guess if it's meant to be, it will be. I try not to stress too much, but i'm human and it happens

. I am delaying my purchases of stuff just incase it gets cancelled (I can't help it). To me it's not totally wasted money if the wedding does happen (would I prefer to spend the money in other needed areas, of course, but if it happens I wouldn't feel as badly), if the wedding doesn't happen than I find it a total waste of money. I'll talk to her again about the actual event, but it appears to me she has left the decision up to him as to whether he wants to or not .. she still does. I can't imagine the stress she is under planning all this for an uncertain outcome

.