Upset with irresponsible stepsons... (money rant)

**txsun** · 08-25-2008, 09:45 PM

I'm so upset right now at the irresponsibility of two of my stepsons...

My husband's 19 year old quit his part time job to start a new, better paying full time one. He spend his last $40 on shoes, needed but could have waited until next paycheck, knowing it was going to be two weeks before he got paid again. On top of this he spent the entire week trolling around town instead of saving his gas to get back and forth from work. We gave him some money for gas earlier in the week and he just informed me that he's out of gas again. I'm so frustrated because we constantly seem to be bailing him out on stuff like this. I know the solution is to stop bailing him out, but he says he just needs 2 more paydays before he can move out and once he's gone he only gets one budgetary bailout from us before he is on his own.

And on top of this, the 14 year old says he lost the horn and various additional parts we just bought for him less than 2 weeks ago. That was $400 down the drain if he can't find it. We really had to sacrifice on that purchase too because we didn't budget it in before hand. My husband put him on notice that we ARE sending the rental horn back and that will be the end of our instrument obligations as we will not be buying another one. I don't like to think this kind of thing but he kept up with the rental horn with no problems for 3 years and all of a sudden loses a horn that he tried to talk us out of in favor of us buying the shiny new one.....

ARRRRRRRRRRR, I'm more frustrated about the horn than the gas.

Stefanie

**leezza** · 08-25-2008, 11:37 PM

sounds like DH needs to kick some butt to me!

JMHO,
leezza

**FrugalWitch** · 08-26-2008, 12:09 AM

Well I think the 14 year old owes you $400. He can get some grass cutting in before the autumn ends the grass season. Other neighborhood odd-jobs can be picked up. Once he has paid you back I bet he'll have learned something.

Set up a repayment plan for the older one while you're at it. Good luck to you and sorry you're going through this.

**Cricketlegs** · 08-26-2008, 12:42 AM

step dds insurance--$170
dds cell phone--$20
step dds net and home phone--$45
step dds tuition $100
step dds car payment $150
step dds gas misc-$75
dds college allowance $100
dds meds and therapy--$50
dds tuition $172

----------------------------

$882 a MONTH we pay for our college dds--I hope this number makes you feel a little better because I feel a little sick!

**txsun** · 08-26-2008, 01:34 AM

Originally Posted by FrugalWitch

Well I think the 14 year old owes you $400. He can get some grass cutting in before the autumn ends the grass season. Other neighborhood odd-jobs can be picked up. Once he has paid you back I bet he'll have learned something.

We truly believe he's just stashed it somewhere (for his sake this had better be the case) and is hoping that we are stupid or something and will buy him the new expensive one to replace it. If not, well, its his mother's turn or no more band. We are making a personal appearance in the band hall today and having a chat with the band director and will be confiscating the rental instrument that has to be returned when we pick him up on our next custody day. If its truly lost, well, I hope his mother will fork over the cash to replace it but there IS a reason WE were paying for it in the first place. Besides, if he has to drop out of band because he doesn't have an instrument, maybe he'll have learned something.

Stefanie

**txsun** · 08-26-2008, 01:58 AM

Originally Posted by Cricketlegs

$882 a MONTH we pay for our college dds--I hope this number makes you feel a little better because I feel a little sick!

That is really not bad actually, its cheaper than you could do it where I live. He should be able to make it well enough with a room mate. I'm just hoping that by moving out and us refusing to replace things he will learn to pay more attention to his stuff. He recently destroyed two cell phones in two weeks, fortunately the only cost to us was $20, but he was dishonest in getting the 2nd replacement.

He's enrolled in college, but I only give it a 50% chance he'll actually finish the semester but I do hope that he does.

Stefanie

**Squirt** · 08-26-2008, 07:10 AM

Why should his mother replace the horn? There's one way to teach him responsibility in this area, and that is to have him pay for it. I know MY parents would have made him pay for it whether it showed up again or not!

I recall a horn story of my own... When we were young, my brother played the trumpet and he HATED it. His was borrowed from our good friends/neighbors. One day, my otherwise mild-mannered brother decimated the thing with a sledge hammer. When asked why he banged it up so much, he said it was because he was afraid they would have it fixed and make him play it again (lol!) Anyways, my brother ended up using his artistic skills making paintings on slate and rock for anyone who would buy them until the horn was paid for. I think everyone I knew had a rock or two in their house

When it came to be my turn and my parents bought me a piece of junk flute to replace my rental, I cried a little in private but the thing was still in one piece- right up until I sold it at a garage sale last year!

Teaching responsibility is worth while.

**blitzen** · 08-26-2008, 07:27 AM

Originally Posted by FrugalWitch

Well I think the 14 year old owes you $400. He can get some grass cutting in before the autumn ends the grass season. Other neighborhood odd-jobs can be picked up. Once he has paid you back I bet he'll have learned something.

Set up a repayment plan for the older one while you're at it. Good luck to you and sorry you're going through this.

Sounds like a great idea to me!

**txsun** · 08-26-2008, 08:13 AM

Originally Posted by Squirt

Why should his mother replace the horn?

So he can participate in band. We'll see how it plays out. I don't mind making him work to pay us off, however, if it is truly gone his mother will have to replace it if he wishes to continue in band because we won't.

Stefanie

**McD** · 08-26-2008, 08:49 AM

I'd make him pay for the horn or make arrangements to rent one from his band instructors with his money.

His mom shouldn't have to pay for his irresponsibility either.

**Greebo** · 08-26-2008, 09:00 AM

Originally Posted by txsun

I'm so upset right now at the irresponsibility of two of my stepsons...

My husband's 19 year old quit his part time job to start a new, better paying full time one. He spend his last $40 on shoes, needed but could have waited until next paycheck, knowing it was going to be two weeks before he got paid again. On top of this he spent the entire week trolling around town instead of saving his gas to get back and forth from work. We gave him some money for gas earlier in the week and he just informed me that he's out of gas again. I'm so frustrated because we constantly seem to be bailing him out on stuff like this. I know the solution is to stop bailing him out, but he says he just needs 2 more paydays before he can move out and once he's gone he only gets one budgetary bailout from us before he is on his own.

Oh just another one. Oh just a little more. I smell a pattern here, and the more you bail him out, the more you're encouraging him not to take responsibility for himself.

Helping him avoid the consequences of his failure to plan is NOT helping him. Draw a line in stone, not sand, let him know where is, and when he crosses it, DO NOT back down.

Strongly, STRONGLY recommend you read "Boundaries", because right now, your DSS does not have a problem, YOU do - you've taken his problem away from him and made it yours. You need to let him own his own problems, sooner rather than later..

And on top of this, the 14 year old says he lost the horn and various additional parts we just bought for him less than 2 weeks ago.

What a shame he wont' be able to play in band this year unless he gets the money himself by mowing lawns and running errands for others in the neighborhood.

**Cricketlegs** · 08-26-2008, 09:16 AM

I don't think the Op EXPECTS the boys Mom to replace the horn, she is just saying that she and her dh are NOT.

If his Mom doesn't, his doesn't magicly reappear or he doesn't get a job then he is on his own.

She is fed up.

Reminds me of when Mary Ingalls hid her glasses in the log because Nellie and Willie called her names. That horn just may turn up if he really likes band.

**McD** · 08-26-2008, 09:26 AM

Originally Posted by Cricketlegs

I don't think the Op EXPECTS the boys Mom to replace the horn, she is just saying that she and her dh are NOT.

If his Mom doesn't, his doesn't magicly reappear or he doesn't get a job then he is on his own.

She is fed up.

Reminds me of when Mary Ingalls hid her glasses in the log because Nellie and Willie called her names. That horn just may turn up if he really likes band.

ahh...that makes sense.

Love the LHOP mention!

**Cricketlegs** · 08-26-2008, 09:55 AM

Originally Posted by MrsMcDowell

ahh...that makes sense.

Love the LHOP mention!

It is fun but at the end of the day when all the dust has settled everything can come down to a lesson from Little house in the prarie!

**txsun** · 08-26-2008, 09:57 AM

Originally Posted by Cricketlegs

I don't think the Op EXPECTS the boys Mom to replace the horn, she is just saying that she and her dh are NOT.

If his Mom doesn't, his doesn't magicly reappear or he doesn't get a job then he is on his own.

She is fed up.

Reminds me of when Mary Ingalls hid her glasses in the log because Nellie and Willie called her names. That horn just may turn up if he really likes band.

Exactly! He claims he gave it to his brother to take to our house, however, we were present at the time he says he gave it to him and he didn't. And we've searched our house and every vehicle we own. So, he's either lying and trying to shift the blame to his brother or because he truly believes he did this he hasn't bothered to actually look for it and its really at his mom's.

However, this is the boy's mom's favorite kid. Who knows what she'll do to appease him, especially if he convinces her its his brother's fault its missing.

Stefanie