What should we do?

[Daydream Believer]

Two years ago we put up a brand new home on land that we had owned. The whole project ended up costing WAY more than we ever expected and we have a huge mortgage payment.

Within this time, dh retired - much sooner than we expected, but something that had to be. He had over 30 yrs. of service and gets a decent pension. Also during this time, we adopted and have a 2 1/2 year old daughter.

We have a large house (6 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, 2 laundry rooms, etc. etc.) because we have done foster care for many, many children over the years and it was our intent to continue fostering children. (Something that I had wanted to do since childhood) We have never fostered children "for the money" and have actually been known to spoil them because most have not had much for material things in the past. With the monthly check from the county, it is broken down percentage-wise, and there is an allowance for the housing part for these children. Right now, this is the only way that we have been able to financially make it. I never thought I would feel this way, but I am getting tired of fostering children. I never have "a life" for myself anymore and our daughter (we have had her since 4 months old) is starting to get confused with all of the coming and going of children. I am tired of appointments (most have issues) and I am tired of social workers, etc. etc. I am totally stressed out.

Given our ages and the size of our mortgage, dh and I will never even come close to ever seeing this house paid off.

I need some advice.......

I hate what this house has done to us! I wish we would have never done this - but we did. I do not like the person that I have become because I am so stressed out.

I am thinking that I would just like to walk away from it. With this economy, we could never sell this house for what money we have into it. I know that our credit would be totally shot. It's not that great anymore anyway.

I have suggested to dh that we look for an old "fixer upper" that we can get for cheap and then just walk away from this to raise our daughter.

Any suggestions.........

[Patty A]

As a former foster mother I so understand what you mean. We always fostered children for the love of doing it, not for the money at all. But I also understand how you have become tired of it, its damn hard work to devote you life to helping out children that become helpless victims because of problems they have no control over. The appointments seem never ending, you have people coming in and out of your life almost daily. Visits, appointments, doctors, just seem never ending. And I also see how this could cause problems with your daughter. I so understand why you feel you have no life, foster care is hard work when you are trying to do the best for children that more often than not come with a huge set of problems!
I wish I knew what to tell you about your house, but I just don't. I don't think walking away is the answer, but then again I have no idea what you are dealing with and manybe that is the only way you see a way out from all the stress. I sure wish I knew what to tell you, but I just don't. Hang in there, I am sure someone here will have some great ideas on how to help out.
((((HUGS)))) Your in my thoughts and prayers for finding some answers to all this. I hope your stress level soon goes down so you feel like you have your life back.

[amanjud]

Wow! First of all I commend you for doing what you have done. It takes a very strong couple to be good foster parents and it sounds like you have done a wonderful job.

Money wise I really don't have any advice for you. Do what you feel is right in your heart. Maybe it is time to stop and take time for your own family, especially if you're feeling the way you do. You have given so much to others, it might just be time to give to yourselves now. Good luck to you!

[FrugalMomof3]

I have to commend you for taking in foster children, you are a blessings BUT I also understand where your coming from about not having time for yourself, etc.

I say if you really want out "try" and sell your current home even if it's for less than you put into it, sometimes we all make sacrifices and this would be the time.

Look for that fixer upper in the meantime and for now just do what has to be done to make sure the bills are paid and food is on the table.

Best of luck and hugs to you!

[PrairieRose]

Well first off, thanks for time and energy and heart aches that you've put yourself through in fostering and then adopting.

I would suggest dh getting a temporary job,talking to the mortgage company about your situation and see if there are any finance options available to you. I have a friend who is just now refinancing her house again and gonna save $250/mo. on the payments. I'd also be putting the house up for sale, take a hickey on it if you can't get what you owe. At least mostly paying off the mortgage is much better than not paying it off at all. If you could get out owing very little then you could refinance that, live in a small, fixer upper and go from there until your debt is paid. You know you owe this amount of money.....you can figure a way out of this...may not be easy but it can be done with some patience and ingenuity. Hang in there......

[Grayce]

Is the house on an acreage? Maybe you could sever some lots off. Another idea is to rent out the extra rooms.

[mombottoo]

Fostering is tough work and it sounds like you are ready for something different. I'd try selling the house if you can, you worked hard for what you have and there is no sense in just letting it go back. Then get the fixer upper, raise your dd and enjoy the rest of your life.

[rainbowgc]

I agree it would be better to rent out a couple of rooms to people on a fixed income. That brings stability to the house, more money and less stress.

[rainbowgc]

I agree it would be better to rent out a couple of rooms to people on a fixed income. That brings stability to the house, more money and less stress.

[rainbowgc]

I agree it would be better to rent out a couple of rooms to people on a fixed income. That brings stability to the house, more money and less stress.

[itlw8]

I would not walk away from it

Can your dh work at all ? If so a part time job could bring in enough extra income.

Would you be better off not fostering and getting a job? Could dh then care for your dd while you work

sounds like you are great with children. How about doing licensed family childcare you could specialize in chuildren with special needs.

With your background you could easily get approved for respite care for other foster families

make a list what you like about foster care and one what is stressing you then see if you can get a job using the things that you like.