Getting DH onboard
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 15 of 20
  1. #1
    Registered User Brookity's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    DeKalb, IL
    Posts
    12
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Rep Power
    0

    Default Getting DH onboard

    DH and I had a rather disturbing discussion last night and I need to get some feedback. This might get long, so sorry in advance.
    Background:
    I am a SAHM to my 2.5 year old DD. I had already been off work for a couple of years before she was born so that I could get my degree. She was a “surprise” and I had her in the summer between my Junior and Senior years. We decided that I would continue staying at home so that I could be with her instead of sending her to daycare. We also have a ton of debt including a car payment, too many credit card, school loans, etc.
    Back in October, after paying all of our bills, we had about $18 in the checking account to pay for groceries for the next two weeks. I told DH and he went through the roof. He couldn’t understand how he could make so much money but not have any left over after paying the bills. I sat him down with a breakdown and explained how are bills are almost exactly the same as what his take home pay is. We decided that I needed to get a part time job and only work the days that he was off so that we still wouldn’t need to do daycare. This has helped tremendously, as we are able to purchase groceries and start paying off a little more debt with my paycheck. I have also started using coupons more and have seriously limited the amount of money that I am spending and have trimmed as many of the expenses as I could.
    Problem:
    Up until last night, I thought I had DH convinced that we could become debt free if we just set our minds to it. Come to find out, he is just not on board with the frugal thing. He has no desire to pay off our credit cards and has determined that the only way to get out of debt is to make more money. He will not compromise on the brands that he uses and refuses to give up his credit cards. He feels that since he makes the most money, he shouldn’t be the one to give up things. He thinks that once DD goes to school and I get a full-time job, that we should use my salary to pay things off. I KNOW this won’t happen and he will just have more ways to spend the money. He has no desire to look at the budget and is adamant that it is my problem because he has no problem with being in debt. He thinks that because we can pay our bills on time, and buy the food that we need, that we are okay.
    I’m sure I’m not the only one who has had to go through this with the SO. I really need some advice here. How can I get him on board? He is not interested in Dave Ramsey, so asking him to read a book or attend a class would be futile. I am trying the “lead by example” but he just doesn’t get it.
    Any thoughts?
    TIA

  2. #2
    Registered User rowdy35's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    Sacramento
    Posts
    414
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Rep Power
    8

    Default

    Yikes, this is going to be difficult. I do understand as my husband is quite the spender. It's been 3 years together and he is getting better about things. The thing to remember is that you have to be careful about getting too zealous and you both need to compromise. You may need to nicely ask him to please just think about this, don't make any decision right now, but think it over and we can discuss this later. Sometimes you have to walk away because you don't want to fight. you may need to just take the bull by the horns and get a full time job and put the child in day care if that is the solution. I would just start writing out the debt and the possible solutions and start evaluating the options and see what might be your best option. you will both need to discuss the options and agree on things.

  3. #3
    Registered User rainbowgc's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2002
    Location
    Tampabay FL area
    Age
    56
    Posts
    1,401
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Rep Power
    19

    Default

    Do a spreadsheet and hand it to him. Also do one where cutting back shows increased savings and a comfortable retirement.

  4. #4
    Registered User fixer's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Location
    central Kentucky
    Age
    50
    Posts
    980
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Blog Entries
    113
    Rep Power
    13

    Default

    It would help if he could see what the fruits of your frugal lifestyle will be. Does he have an older relative or friend who has successfully gone down this path? He has to decide on his own that "your" idea a good one. Perhaps he is afraid of having to give up things such as a hobby or the ability to buy toys. Some people believe since they work hard and earn a good salary that they deserve certain things. I have personally witnessed this with other men. Also, never discount peer pressure as a reason for his reaction. I worked for quite sometime with a group of men who thought that doing anything their wife said was a sign of weakness. Some men really never grow up and are held hostage by seeking acceptance by their peer group. Don't get me wrong, this is not an excuse for him. As a fellow man, I am trying to point out the reasons for his reaction. It should be as simple as saying " you must do what is right for your family. If that means sacrificing some material things, so be it." Unfortunately, it is for from being that easy. You have to start off this journey with faith that by following your plan you will succeed. It is easy for me to say since we have been doing this for twenty years and we are seeing the benefits. He needs to see how much money he is making other people by choosing a life of debt. I wish you the best. Don't give up on him. There is hope for us all.

  5. #5
    Registered User Brookity's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    DeKalb, IL
    Posts
    12
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Rep Power
    0

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by fixer View Post
    It would help if he could see what the fruits of your frugal lifestyle will be. Does he have an older relative or friend who has successfully gone down this path? He has to decide on his own that "your" idea a good one. Perhaps he is afraid of having to give up things such as a hobby or the ability to buy toys. Some people believe since they work hard and earn a good salary that they deserve certain things. I have personally witnessed this with other men. Also, never discount peer pressure as a reason for his reaction. I worked for quite sometime with a group of men who thought that doing anything their wife said was a sign of weakness. Some men really never grow up and are held hostage by seeking acceptance by their peer group. Don't get me wrong, this is not an excuse for him. As a fellow man, I am trying to point out the reasons for his reaction. It should be as simple as saying " you must do what is right for your family. If that means sacrificing some material things, so be it." Unfortunately, it is for from being that easy. You have to start off this journey with faith that by following your plan you will succeed. It is easy for me to say since we have been doing this for twenty years and we are seeing the benefits. He needs to see how much money he is making other people by choosing a life of debt. I wish you the best. Don't give up on him. There is hope for us all.
    Unfortunately, having a frugal "mentor" won't work. His parents were very frugal, saving every penny for retirement, and he had to go without a lot when he was a kid. But, instead of teaching him to be frugal also, it just made him want the things that he couldn't have even more. He does have a very "macho" job (He's a cop) and is very suseptible to peer pressure. I totally understand where he is coming from though. Sometimes I wish he would just take over the bills so that I could be as carefree about it as he is but that won't happen.

  6. #6
    Registered User idodna's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Location
    Columbus, Ohio
    Posts
    22
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Rep Power
    0

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by rainbowgc View Post
    Do a spreadsheet and hand it to him. Also do one where cutting back shows increased savings and a comfortable retirement.
    This is a great idea - specifically you need to show him the dollars and "sense" of not throwing money down the drain on interest by taking extra pains to hit the principal where ever you can.

    Years ago I found this handy website -( they won't let me paste the URL - annnnoyyying- but google "amortization" and pick the one that has bretwhissel in the address - ) annnnoyyying

    You can use is to look at any type of loan that you have. Credit cards, car loans, mortgage, equity lines - and compare - How do I reduce the amount of time and the amount of interest that I will pay on any one loan - and a comparison of which loan should I be concentrating on first (factor of interest rate and amount owed).
    All the fields are adjustable - try paying extra on principle and note the difference in interest (as cash - and a percent) See how trying an extra payment a year will affect the bottom line. Play it like a video game!

    Try to get him to see that you are not trying to get him to live live a monk - just wanting him to take the time to get ahead NOW - so that - in the shortest amount of time possible - all his hard earned cash can be going to his family and not banks and credit card companies.

    The fact that he sees a difference between HIS and YOUR money is a whole 'nother issue - and another spreadsheet - showing all the expenses you don't have because you have taken on full burden of child care and house upkeep but not the question you asked - one task at a time - yes?

    Good Luck

  7. #7
    Registered User zakity's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    near Portland, Oregon
    Age
    43
    Posts
    2,922
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Rep Power
    26

    Default

    One thing to point out is "his" money is half yours. You are married. And, half of your money is "his".

    What about making a list or a spreadsheet with your bills and when you think you are paying it off and posting it on the fridge (for your convenience, of course **wink wink**)? As you pay something off, mark it off the list with a bright colored highlighter. Try not to use pink because pink is a girly color. Use yellow or green or blue.

    Get a canning jar or old mayo jar or something and put bits of change in it. You want it to be clear. Label it something like "zoo" or "day at spa" or "amusement park". When you save money with coupons or cash in cans or use less toothpaste (or whatever) and not have to buy it as often, put the change in the jar. When your jar is a quarter full, point it out as a "look at this, I am so excited" type of thing. "Look, my X jar is full. I can't wait for it to be full so I can go do X. It will be so much fun." If he asks where the money is coming from, tell him that you are using small things to save money, like coupons or whatever, but only if he asks. As you get progessively more frugal, then your jar will get fuller faster. Point it out gently, like you want him to be happy for you/you are excited for yourself type of gently. "Look, I got my jar half full already. I didn't think I would fill it up this quickly." Make sure it is all about "you". When your jar is full, do not spend it on him. Take you and your child (or just you) on whatever activity that you are planning that money for. When he asks why he doesn't get to go, make sure to point out that you saved that money and you are spending it how you would like. You put your effort into it, he didn't, but put it gently. Ask him if he wants to join you for the next round. If he does want to join you, then when he wants to buy a toy, then ask if he really needs the toy and then ask if he would like to put half of the dollar amount of that toy into the "fun activity" jar instead.

    And, you know, it takes lots of time to bring them around. It has taken me like a decade to get DH on board. He has learned over time that he has more toys this way. And, I am less stressed and easier to live with. We have no debt except for the house. And, we are a little more than half way through a 15 year loan on the house.
    Beak-1996, Toad-1998, and Q-1998
    House payments left: 1 2

  8. #8
    Registered User Brookity's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    DeKalb, IL
    Posts
    12
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Rep Power
    0

    Smile

    Quote Originally Posted by idodna View Post
    one task at a time - yes?
    LOL, Yes! I'll have to try that website. Thanks!

  9. #9
    Registered User NewLeaf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Location
    Virginia
    Age
    48
    Posts
    1,156
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Rep Power
    12

    Default

    While my dh is on board with wanting to pay off credit cards he thinks I am going wayyyy overboard trying to cut the household /grocery budget. I am also trying stockpiling and he thinks I am preparing for the end of the world as we know it. (I'm not, stockpiling saves money). The problem is I have been over zealous in talking about my ideas (he needs to be broken in slowly and easily). But he is beginning to see how nice it is to have homemade meals and snacks - so he sees a personal benefit.

    So, I would say, do what you can without talking about it too much and then at the end of the month show him the savings.

  10. #10
    Registered User NewLeaf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Location
    Virginia
    Age
    48
    Posts
    1,156
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Rep Power
    12

    Default

    I love the change jar idea zakity. I am going to try it. Usually I give my change to my kids or my dh for buying stamps.

  11. #11
    Registered User Cricketlegs's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    Texas
    Posts
    3,995
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Rep Power
    27

    Default

    I can hear your frustration even in typed words.

    I am thinking about you.

    Do you guys have retirement??If not then it is going to be bad later on if he doesn't wise up and do what needs doing now.

  12. #12
    Registered User sabrelvssammy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Posts
    4,682
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Blog Entries
    12
    Rep Power
    40

    Default

    newleaf-i am having the same issues with my dh... he thought my 'cash only' system for everything and giving up the credit card thing was 'crazy'... he doesn't see anything wrong with the money spent at the grocery..just figues its the cost of doing business...

    he too doesn't want the CC debt and is all on-board with the snowball idea....but when i try to read him tips and blogs about people stock-piling and preparing for the worst 'just in case' he gets all bent out of shape and says stop letting those people try to 'scare' you...

    he thinks my obsession with the 'energy reduction' around here is a little off the wall...and i can't WAIT for the utility bill to come in so i can PROVE a few things to him (unfortunately the way the billing cycle is i will only have about 2.5 weeks of improvements...feb bill will be the real sign)...so he 'makes fun of me' every day asking if we got the utility bill yet....just you wait !!!!

    i agree that its best to wean these guys in slowly...i have pretty much stopped 'sharing' my daily tips...i just quietly go about the day doing what i can and i know time will tell and dh being the smart man that he is will see the light...but he is one of those guys that has to 'see' it first before he believes its true.... that's okay...we've got the time....

  13. #13
    Registered User Brookity's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    DeKalb, IL
    Posts
    12
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Rep Power
    0

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Cricketlegs View Post
    I can hear your frustration even in typed words.

    I am thinking about you.

    Do you guys have retirement??If not then it is going to be bad later on if he doesn't wise up and do what needs doing now.
    We are lucky that he will get an 85% pension when he retires and we do have some very small investments. I have a 401k from a previous job and I also have an IRA.

  14. #14
    Registered User Cricketlegs's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    Texas
    Posts
    3,995
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Rep Power
    27

    Default

    Sabre--your post brings this to mind...

    Just you wait, 'enry 'iggins, just you wait!
    You'll be sorry, but your tears'll be to late!
    You'll be broke, and I'll have money;
    Will I help you? Don't be funny!
    Just you wait, 'enry 'iggins, just you wait!
    Just you wait, 'enry 'iggins, till you're sick,
    And you scream to fetch a doctor double-quick.
    I'll be off a second later And go straight to the the-ater!
    Oh ho ho, 'enry 'iggins, just you wait!
    Ooooooh 'enry 'iggins!
    Just you wait until we're swimmin' in the sea!
    Ooooooh 'enry 'iggins!
    And you get a cramp a little ways from me!
    When you yell you're going to drown I'll get dressed
    and go to town! Oh ho ho, 'enry 'iggins!
    Oh ho ho, 'enry 'iggins! Just you wait!
    One day I'll be famous! I'll be proper and prim;
    Go to St. James so often I will call it St. Jim!
    One evening the king will say:
    "Oh, Liza, old thing,
    I want all of England your praises to sing.
    Next week on the twentieth of May
    I proclaim Liza Doolittle Day!
    All the people will celebrate the glory of you
    And whatever you wish and want I gladly will do."
    "Thanks a lot, King" says I, in a manner well-bred;
    But all I want is 'enry 'iggins 'ead!"
    "Done," says the King with a stroke.
    "Guard, run and bring in the bloke!"
    Then they'll march you, 'enry 'iggins to the wall;
    And the King will tell me: "Liza, sound the call."
    As they lift their rifles higher, I'll shout:
    "Ready! Aim! Fire!"
    Oh ho ho, 'enry 'iggins,
    Down you'll go, 'enry 'iggins!
    Just you wait!

  15. #15
    Registered User
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    Groningen, The Netherlands
    Posts
    719
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Rep Power
    10

    Default

    Maybe it helps if you calculate that he could have bought X (his utmost desire) last year, if only he did not have to pay the interest on the loans/ccs?

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Similar Threads

  1. Are your kids onboard with frugalness?
    By heartofmine in forum Question and Answer
    Replies: 21
    Last Post: 07-19-2008, 11:21 PM

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •