Shame of & emotional distress over financial woes

[nadine64]

Linus, I think what you and your g/f are doing -- the beginning discussions regarding money goals and dreams -- is fantastic. You probably will become more and more comfortable speaking to her about this as you both realize you are on the same team as you develop a well thought out financial game plan in preparation for starting a family.

So many people get into money problems because they ignore reality -- the reality that as you spend and spend, eventually the bills will come due. The fact that you and your g/f are living in reality right now and moving forward with your eyes open is a testament to the strength of your relationship.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

Linus, you're doing a great and strong thing by opening up the door of communications with your g/f and talking about finances. I've been married 20 yrs and it's still, after all this time, a very touchy, icky subject to discuss with my husband. Good for you for being concerned, wanted to give your family the right values and surroundings to be raised in. You inspire me to be more open in my relationship.

[Denvergirlie]

I was taught that debt was "bad" but it was never really explained why it was bad. I wasn't taught that it could rob you of future choices, steal your freedom.

In my 20's I so wanted to go and volunteer for the summer at a camp that gave a weekly stipend of $20 a week in spending cash. But I couldn't because of the debt I already had. I had to give up on that dream.
I didn't really learn that lesson very well then so repeated my mistakes again in my late 20's and took me another 6 years to correct those mistakes too.

When I think back at all the dumb choices I made, I shudder at it. I still feel stupid, I feel behind the 8-ball in the grand scale of things.

Here I am now closer to being 40 than 30 and basically have a net worth of $25K. I think of all the things I still want to do with my life and get depressed that even now debt free that I won't be able acomplish all of these things because I was foolish in the past with my money.

Then I try to remember, that at least I've made those changes now and all I can control is my future actions. I can not change my past, but I can change my behavior and make sure that I am in "control" of my future actions.

Try not to let the past continue to control your future. Only you can change your actions, so make a choice to do so.

I could beat myself up all day everyday over past choices and it's not going to change anything. I try, it's still a daily struggle, but I do try to let that go, it doesn't do me any good to focus on the past anymore. I've learned those lessons now, I focus on the past only long enough to keep me on the straight and narrow now, but I don't let it consume me anymore.

Changing habits is hard, very hard... I'm still fat , and so I still do have lessons to learn about changing habits, but I focus more on my success in changing my money habits.

Best of luck to you, chin up!

[Linus]

Again thanks everyone. And yea. I know from the years I've done attempts (some successful, some not so much) to lose weight. The principle of turning a bad habit into a good habit and sticking to that good habit takes time. Being open and discussing it with the one that has the greatest impact helps lot. Additionally, I don't want me kids to go through this. I don't want them to avoid life but rather enjoy it smarter than I did.

[Thevail]

I think most people in most societies don't tend to talk openly about both money and sex.

It's a fairly decent rule when it comes to dealing with the outside world, it really isn't any of the neighbor's business how much you owe, or make, or spend.

Or, for that matter, what your kinks are.

The problem comes in when the rule about money gets generalized to include everyone, even children, spouses, parents, and family members.

My parent's really never talked about money to us kids. It wasn't because they were keeping up a facade or anything nefarious either. They just knew that we were too young to do anything about it, and figured that the family's financial issues were not our "burden" to bear.

Sound's really sweet, protecting the kids and all, doesn't it.

But they couldn't protect us from the palpable aura of stress in the house. Or from all the lessons about prioritizing we weren't learning. Or from feeling like mommy and daddy were always grouchy about something. (Being kids, we assumed it was something we'd done.)

And the biggest thing they couldn't protect us from with their financial silence, was feeling stupid as young adults. We knew literally next to nothing about money, or budgeting, or paying bills on time, balancing a checkbook, etc. etc. etc.

(The sex thing is a whole 'nother story...my sister had her first at 15)

And when a person is raised with the idea that the "noble" thing or the "right" thing to do about finances is keep your trap shut, and your head down and just soldier on...it's as if you got a bad diagnosis at the doctor's office, and couldn't tell anyone, not even the pharmacist what's wrong. Usually nearly fatal.