Wit's end!

[Diane54]

Well my story is my husband was making 6 figures and lost his job.
He was out of work for two years, and did pick up a consulting job here and there but we did deplete all our savings. We did downsize our house, got rid of one car, and did away with all of the extras.
(When he made the money we helped out alot of family members, and gave to quite a few charities.)

Anyhow, thankfully he is working but at the tune of about $40,000 a year less! Even with the downsizing and cutbacks we are having a very rough time trying to adjust to the change of income. Right now I am presently looking for work. We are making our bills but there is little else left. The thing is, when he made the money we had no charge bills..............when he lost his job and depleted the savings we relied on credit to get us through some tough times. Then once we thought we were in control my one son lost his job so we were trying to help him out with his bills too and dug a deeper hole for us.

We went to CCCS last week to get help with one high interest credit card since the company would not work with us. The other cards are at a very low rate so we are trying to snowball them ourselves. We got ourselves into this so it is our responsiblity to dig out but it seems like we just can't make any headway.......something always comes up!

I have been honest with my family and told them that we can no longer help them yet, his family thinks we are an endless pit of money!

I am so tired of living under this financial cloud of gloom.

[Greebo]

Forget CCCS. All they will do for you is ruin your credit, and charge you for the privilege. Honestly, you can do that on your own, and right now, it sounds like you're going to need to.

So, what it sounds like happened is you had a loss of income, and tried to sustain lifestyle with debt, making the situation go from bad to worse. Ok - it happens - now its time to clean up.

#1) Stop using and cancel your credit cards. You don't need them and they are NOT helping you.

#2) Make a budget, and live with it. Your top items on the budget are, every month:
- Food (GROCERIES, not dining out)
- Roof (rent/mortgage/insurance/etc)
- Lights (water, electricity, heat)
- Car (maintenance, fuel, insurance)
- Clothing (essentials only!)

Each month figure out what you HAVE to pay out, then what you can pay to the rest - the debts. MINIMUM PAYMENTS only for now. If you can make the minimum payments, great! If NOT - don't. DO NOT cut into 1-5 to pay debt.

#3) Read Dave Ramsey's "The Total Money Makeover" and seriously consider applying his plan to your situation. The basics of the plan are:
- 1 - Baby Emergency Fund - Save $1000 cash in a safe place for EMERGENCY use only (not pizza, etc.)
- 2 - Debt Snowball - Pay off all debts, as fast as possible, smallest to largest - except the house
- 3 - Full emergency fund - save up 6 months worth of expenses in cash (ie: bank account)

There's more but those are the first 3.

#4) Find a job as you've been trying, and he might think about a 2nd job as well, while you're taking care of steps 1 and 2.

#5) KEEP posting here - the more we know, the more we can help, and the moral support and wisdom you can find here can be invaluable.

[Greebo]

Oh yes
#6: Forget what your family wants to believe. If they're grown up, then they need to fend for themselves. Tend to your own problems first. NO MORE GIFTS while you're in this mess. They'll get the idea sooner or later.

[frugalfranny]

Yep, I agree with greebo.......take care of you first. Anyone 18 and older can fend for themselves. No matter whose family it is.

If they think you are the endless money pit....well, the pit just ran dry.

Good luck and keep us posted. Things CAN work out if you make them work out.

[MomToTwoBoys]

I agree with Greebo about the family part. If they can't accept that you're not able to "help" them, then they really need to reevaluate their own family values. Your DH needs to let them know that they can't be helped and that they need to get out of their own messes.

It's fairly simple to come up with a plan to kill off your CC debt but always remember that you need to make it realistic. Don't squeeze yourself too hard when trying to snowball that first debt or there'll be a bigger feeling of resentment there. It's good that you've acknowledged the cause of your debt because that helps propel you in the direction of getting rid of it sooner.

Good luck though and keep at it!

[Diane54]

Thanks for the support and info I appreciate it.

[FrugalMomof3]

I totally agree with Greebo, he hit the bulls eye on this one. YOu have to make a plan and stick to it. SHRED those CC's and forget about CCCS.

You CAN do this on your own, we all have. You come first, helping others comes 2nd. IF your family can't understand that then seems to me you've lent a helping hand toooooo many times.

[bluedog]

Yeah, what he said!

[mauimagic]

By keeping close written track of everything that you are doing, you will be amazed at how the small steady steps will pay off big time!!

[rowdy35]

I would focus on increasing income. If you can't get full time work, get a few part time jobs or start babysitting, elder care, etc. anything to bring in more income. I too have faced a very similar situation and last year I actually worked 3 jobs.

[Contrary Housewife]

I know that from your point of view things look pretty bad, but they will get better if you work at it. I've been in your situation and have since become completely debt free. Greebo's advice is spot on. And I don't mean to be rude or anything, but a LOT of people manage very well on less income than you currently have. It will be rough for a while, doing without, but a time WILL come when your husband is earning what he is worth again, your debt load will be less, and you will be able to "have things". But you must make a plan and you must stick to it.

[Debbie-cat]

Take care of your own family first.... the relatives will just have to get a grip on reality..you aren't a bank. Sending best wishes your way.

[MaryCarney]

Regarding your family I would suggest writing a 'script' of your reasons why you are no longer able to help them, and why that part of your life is over - and PRACTICE THE SCRIPT - both of you.

The secret is to say the same thing to these people over and over and over again (until they either get it or get so tired of hearing the same thing they quit asking. The script aspect enables both of you to be on the same page and present a united front.


You do not 'help' adults by making them dependent on you, you help them by making them responsible for themselves. Charity should be reserved for those who need it, not those who want it!!

[a.nonymous]

I really like the script idea... Sounds like a foolproof way to 'train' relatives.

[ml2620]

Diane,

I feel for you. I'm in the middle of this myself.

I had a wonderful courtship with my husband, lots and lots of travel all over the world, eating at all the really great restaurants four nights a week, having so much fun sailing, riding horses, season's tickets to the best baseball team in the world. I knew we wouldn't always be like that, but I expected to be staying home with a baby by now, in a well decorated house, doing lots of entertaining, hosting, and yes, being generous with my family. At the time, we made about $200K between the two of us.

I'll spare you the details, but we aren't there anymore. The adjustment to a new lifestyle has really not been a big deal. The biggest source of stress and anger and loss is the loss of what we thought our life was going to be, and comments from people outside our marriage on what they think of our choices, decisions and limitations. Basically, our pride.

I say this from experience, but their is alot of ego involved with making six-figures. Lots of pride in you are (or, more accurately, who you think you are) and who you want to be to friends, family, business associates and the community at large. I was SO ANGRY at my husband for getting us into this situation, I was SO ASHAMED to have my family watch us struggle, to have to turn away charitable causes I couldn't afford to support any longer, when it was my intention and determined desire to help them. I was SO BITTER about the very significant lifestyle changes we had to make (this biggest one being postponing having a baby, something I am having trouble doing now at 36!)

If you have health insurance, or a home church, I strongly, strongly urge you to go to couples or individual counseling. It has made such a difference to me in every aspect of my life. Two years into the situation, I have far more love for my husband than I could ever have imagined, far more strength than I ever thought I could have, and far more vision for what our future will hold. And I say this with $450K of debt on my shoulders ($300K is mortgage). We will get there, and we will get there together.

Everyone else's advice is excellent, especially Greebo as usual. All I can say is don't think you can take this all on emotionally by yourself in some dark room so no one has to know about it. Counseling is best, we are second best. This crew here at FV has kept me sane, focused and excited about a frugal lifestyle, and the future of my marriage.