1st DH on board budget results

**jas** · 09-02-2009, 09:59 AM

Originally Posted by forHISglory

And about the tithe: I've never made it a secret that I am a born again believer and that I believe in tithing. However, I have to use some common sense here. I can't tithe and keep blowing/wasting money at the same time. One plays against the other, and the spirit of free will offering becomes legalistic offering. Here's what a friend did who was in the same position: She was unable to convince her husband to stop his wasteful ways. So she simply tithed on her income only, not on his. She left his tithing up to him and concentrated on her own spiritual status. She didn't make very much, only worked part time. But she was faithful on her own income, and also dropped in an extra dollar from time to time. She found peace in doing this.

I too am a born again believer, my dh is not. I am a sahm, the part of the budget that I am in charge of I tithe from and any side jobs that dh gets. (he has agreed to this) I think along the same lines as forHisGlory tithe on your income let him come to terms about his own.

I understand your strong conviction on what is the right thing to do. God can do more with your 10% given with a joyful heart, than you could do with 100%. We all know God does not need your money or anyone elses for that matter. It is an act of obedience to the one who has given us so much.

1 Cor 2:5 Your faith should not be in the wisdom of men but in the power of God.

Your decision is between you and God how you handle your finances. Of course you are well aware that if you owe anyone anything you are obligated to pay it in full. I am not saying in one lump sum, only that the debt must be made good.

If you are faithful on your part, you never know how God may work out the other parts.

**ansley** · 09-02-2009, 01:16 PM

Originally Posted by dschipman

I find it amazing how people come on this board to ask for help and them ridicule "suggestions" that are given to them. You have ways to work your budget and get out of debt, but you don't want to. If you truly want to do this, you will find a way. Please listen to the suggestions given to you here in this message and what else you can find on this board. You know what the right thing to do it. But are you strong enough to do it? Everyone has to make sacrifices all the time.

good luck with whatever you choose to do.

Dawn

Originally Posted by phoeny_moonstar

I totally agree with Dawn here.

I don't remember asking for help on this one. In the past I have talked a lot about working to get DH on board. It has been 8 yrs. I was excited and wanted to celebrate.

I have taken advice in the past. Putting stuff on power strips, going to energy saving light bulbs, making sure stuff is turned off in empty rooms, altering temp settings. I make dd's summer clothes out of remnants and remake old clothes. I have had 1 new dress in 8yrs that I made. I take my lunch or don't eat.

Originally Posted by ml2620

You justify not paying your medical bills by referring to the poor and destitute as deadbeats and then call yourself a christian by tithing a church that probably is already well funded?

So called Christian logic astounds me.

I have never not paid my medical bills or any other bill except tithe. The bills were not always paid on time but they were paid.

I was speaking of those that refuse to work and insist on living off the gov or walk away by filing bankruptcy. I understand there are those that need it but I personally know way more that are truly lazy.

My mom wants us to file bankruptcy "after all your sister is". Mom said she would help us find another place; help with babysitting and etc if we would go that route. I told her we owed it and we should pay it.

Per the post here I might as well file for bankruptcy, quit my job and let Uncle Sam pay for it all. Then I will be the poor and destitute that lives better than working couples.

**my4littlebuffaloes** · 09-02-2009, 01:42 PM

I am not debating religion or anything here. But your tithe seems off. I have your total budget (what you estimated spending, not what you spent) as $3435.92, but yet you are tithing $526. That is more than 10%.

The other thing, is your toiletries and food. Do you use the cash envelope system? Once the cash is gone, no more purchasing for these categories. Have you looked into getting the deals at CVS or Walgreens? I used to spend $100 or more on toiletries (especially during allergy season), but now that I do the deals at CVS I spend around $30 - most of that on things I can't get at CVS. Whatever you decide, I think your food and toiletries are too high for a family of 5.

I understand going over in the school supply area, sheesh that killed us this year. Good luck!

**ansley** · 09-02-2009, 01:44 PM

Originally Posted by jas

I too am a born again believer, my dh is not. I am a sahm, the part of the budget that I am in charge of I tithe from and any side jobs that dh gets. (he has agreed to this) I think along the same lines as forHisGlory tithe on your income let him come to terms about his own.

I understand your strong conviction on what is the right thing to do. God can do more with your 10% given with a joyful heart, than you could do with 100%. We all know God does not need your money or anyone elses for that matter. It is an act of obedience to the one who has given us so much.

1 Cor 2:5 Your faith should not be in the wisdom of men but in the power of God.

Your decision is between you and God how you handle your finances. Of course you are well aware that if you owe anyone anything you are obligated to pay it in full. I am not saying in one lump sum, only that the debt must be made good.

If you are faithful on your part, you never know how God may work out the other parts.

Tithing is an act of obedience that allows the churches to pay their bills and stay open. We have not tithed in a long time using bills as an excuse. When does it stop. No ? for a reason. We owe almost as much to the church as we do on our house.

On average this yr we have been a -500 each month with out tithing. We did so much better this month (Aug) even with tithing.

Sept may be different. The med bills will probably come due, the stupid tax on the phone, the house repairs (DH's sept 1 check was bigger than planned but not quite enough to fix the BR) and etc.

DH is the free spirit. He sees it, he wants it, he gets it. He is extremely tempted by those "shiny things" at car dealers. I have complained about it more than I care to admit. I am tempted by boiled peanuts and stuff for the dc. But for the first time he is working on it. I can't let the people here get me down because DH is finally helping and if I get down he'll stop. Then I will be the deadbeat I complain about.

**ansley** · 09-02-2009, 02:12 PM

Originally Posted by my4littlebuffaloes

I am not debating religion or anything here. But your tithe seems off. I have your total budget (what you estimated spending, not what you spent) as $3435.92, but yet you are tithing $526. That is more than 10%.

The other thing, is your toiletries and food. Do you use the cash envelope system? Once the cash is gone, no more purchasing for these categories. Have you looked into getting the deals at CVS or Walgreens? I used to spend $100 or more on toiletries (especially during allergy season), but now that I do the deals at CVS I spend around $30 - most of that on things I can't get at CVS. Whatever you decide, I think your food and toiletries are too high for a family of 5.

I understand going over in the school supply area, sheesh that killed us this year. Good luck!

We tithed on all not just bring home and rounded up to the next dollar.

DH will not do envelopes.

I was so excited when the next town over got a CVS. I started checking the deals and had their sale paper e-mailed to me. They cost more than the local store. I could get a single subject note book on sale at my normal store for .25 and at CVS on sale it was $1 with a $1 on your card. In the end I was losing because even with the "free" 25 cents the other stuff I would buy was more expensive.

Food was only over recommended by 54.30 and that was with DH still buying a lot of junk food.

Toiletries is 5 bags of pull ups, 4 bags of cat food, 2 bags of dog food, TP, cleaning stuff (we were out and I haven't started making my own yet) and etc. No paper towels and I plan to try making some homemade cleaners when DH slows down and can help with the DC.

**Greebo** · 09-02-2009, 02:25 PM

Would it be pointless to reiterate that you and DH need to get into marital counseling? Fixing the finances is great, but they are not your biggest problem.

Right now you've got a DH who is acting like a little boy, not a husband, forcing you to be his mommy, not his wife.

**jas** · 09-02-2009, 02:34 PM

Originally Posted by ansley

Tithing is an act of obedience that allows the churches to pay their bills and stay open. We have not tithed in a long time using bills as an excuse. When does it stop. No ? for a reason. We owe almost as much to the church as we do on our house.

On average this yr we have been a -500 each month with out tithing. We did so much better this month (Aug) even with tithing.

Sept may be different. The med bills will probably come due, the stupid tax on the phone, the house repairs (DH's sept 1 check was bigger than planned but not quite enough to fix the BR) and etc.

DH is the free spirit. He sees it, he wants it, he gets it. He is extremely tempted by those "shiny things" at car dealers. I have complained about it more than I care to admit. I am tempted by boiled peanuts and stuff for the dc. But for the first time he is working on it. I can't let the people here get me down because DH is finally helping and if I get down he'll stop. Then I will be the deadbeat I complain about.

I sure didn't want you to take my post the wrong way. I am on your side! I know what a tithe is. Not all of what a tithe is is for keeping church doors open and the lights on. I am sure you know that though.

I don't want you to get down on yourself when only you and dh know where you have been and where you are now.

**Nishu** · 09-02-2009, 03:44 PM

Originally Posted by ansley

Tithing is an act of obedience that allows the churches to pay their bills and stay open. We have not tithed in a long time using bills as an excuse. When does it stop. No ? for a reason. We owe almost as much to the church as we do on our house.

On average this yr we have been a -500 each month with out tithing. We did so much better this month (Aug) even with tithing.

Sept may be different. The med bills will probably come due, the stupid tax on the phone, the house repairs (DH's sept 1 check was bigger than planned but not quite enough to fix the BR) and etc.

DH is the free spirit. He sees it, he wants it, he gets it. He is extremely tempted by those "shiny things" at car dealers. I have complained about it more than I care to admit. I am tempted by boiled peanuts and stuff for the dc. But for the first time he is working on it. I can't let the people here get me down because DH is finally helping and if I get down he'll stop. Then I will be the deadbeat I complain about.

Ansley, I don't think you're getting proper credit in this thread. You deserve definite kudos for your patience, sacrifice and dedication. It amazes me that anyone can stay hopeful and determined in the face of what you're up against. You are amazing.

It is wonderful that your husband is making an attempt. It's not enough, but whatever, we'll work with it. Keep doing what you're doing and maybe he'll come around. I would love to see you both go to counseling, but if the money isn't there, what can you do. And dragging your husband to counseling if he doesn't want to go isn't going to do your marriage any good, anyway.

But, I do still think that your marriage has got to be fixed, otherwise all the budgeting in the world isn't going to help you. Besides, what good is it going to do you to be debt free if you're not happy?

My husband was not always into this simplified lifestyle that we've adopted, but he did come around. My husband was never really against frugal living, he was just really passive about it ("Sure honey, sounds good) and even that was frustrated to me. We needed to be a team, so I developed a sneaky, passive aggressive strategy to bring him around. I'll sum it up for you, I hope you can find something useful in it.

- I speak positively about our finances whenever possible.

Instead of "This XXXX debt is costing us so much per month, we have to get rid of it," I'd say "If we really set our minds to it, we can be rid of this debt in less than X months... Won't that be awesome? That will free up so much money every month."

When the kids or the husband would talk about doing something or buying something that was a bit pricey, I'd lay out the choices. "How about instead of going to the zoo on Saturday, we just go to the park and save that money for ...." ( I'd also strategically plan our leisure activities in order to avoid situations like this. I'd find free events activities a week or two ahead of time and then announce the plans in order to build up the anticipation.) I don't ever tell them we don't have the money, (which would be a lie anyway) but I will say that it wasn't budgeted for or that we should spend the money on something really awesome instead.

Some people just don't like to feel 'poor' and respond better to frugality when it's framed as a choice rather than a necessity. Your husband might be one of those people.

- I don't fight with my husband over money. In the few times that I've felt he's overspent, I express disappointment and then drop it. Resentment works against the peace.

- Catch him being good. Express sincere gratitude with every effort me makes, even piddly ones.

I've got a couple more that I'll toss in here after I make lunch.

**Julzyann7** · 09-02-2009, 03:47 PM

I think it's great that DH is finally getting in the mindset that this is not his/her finances/budget but a joint effort. Like any strong-willed person changing your DH way of thinking is HARD work on your part!
If you’re discouraged, don’t give up without a fight. Nothing worthwhile ever happens without endurance and energy.
When an artist starts to create a sculpture, he has to keep chipping away. He doesn’t hit the chisel with the hammer once, and suddenly all the excess stone falls away revealing a beautiful masterpiece. He keeps hitting it and hitting it, chipping away at the stone.
And that’s true of life, too. Nothing really worthwhile ever comes easy in life. You keep hitting it and going after it, and little-by-little your life becomes a masterpiece of God’s grace.
“So don’t get tired of doing what is good. Don’t get discouraged and give up” (Galatians 6:9 NLT).

My DH is also a tobacco lover, and he is a self-employed contractor who is constantly stopping at a gas station to get a drink or snack, no matter how much I pack for him- I got through to him some by doing two things:
1) Putting it in perspective. I added up how much he was spending in a month and showed him what it COULD be buying (ex. paying the water and cable bill, or better yet for US, what it could buy for our DH -diapers, snacks, clothes, etc.)
2) Giving him updates on how much he has spent. I do online banking, so I see his debits as soon as he swipes the card. I add up how much he spends on fast food and gas stations and send him updates - You have spent X amount of $ in X amount of days on X. Then he goes holy cow (he doesn't realize how much $2 here and there adds up!)

If your husband knows and doesn't care, I am very sorry, because it sounds like you are sacrificing, and it would be a shame if he wasn't willing to sacrifice just as much as you have/are.

Only you know your need spiritually to tithe, and only you know your marital needs - I only comment on the budget - which is what you were posting about.

Again, don't get discouraged. And don't pay any heed to those being hateful towards you on here, FV as a whole is a very encouraging place, and I know that most say what they say out of the heart.

**ansley** · 09-03-2009, 04:51 PM

This morning I found out that a friend's 2yo was in an accident yesterday. She has been asked to agree to take him off life support. She hasn't agreed. Nothing else matters right now.