Dh talks and talks but no action

**Palooka** · 09-21-2009, 03:27 PM

I don't even know where to begin. Long story short. I married him and he had a lot of debt. (yeah yeah) He made a lot more and all is in his name. All this time I have tried my best to get us on board together. I am the one that pays the bills and tries to keep up with it all and that's fine with me. What is not fine by me is when he won't even get involved or even bother to see when his loans are due or credit cards or how much we have in the checking account. He puts it all on my shoulders.

Since then I have had to use my credit cards for some things because his debt is so large that it takes most of the pay.

I have talked to him until I am blue in the face over and over and over again for us to work together on this. Just simple stuff like take your lunch instead of spending 10 bucks at Mr.Goodcents. Yes this has been building.

We have no joint debt together at all. (thank god) So in this state I am only responsible for my debt and they can't come after me for his. Vice versa.

Well, fast forward. He might be facing something that can affect us and turn this whole family up side down. Something I have no control over. Now since he might be hitting rock bottom, he starts saying stuff like, (after years of me trying to express this to him) "I should really start taking my lunch because it cost us this much a week! Duh! I have showed him the math over and over. Or...maybe I should do this or that now. If I say anything, he thinks I am saying...I told you so! No, I am not saying that(well ya sorta ) but that if you would have listened to me and been more of a team, than it may have not gotten this far. He gets really defensive and tries to find something I did wrong to turn the tables on me.

But the problem is he is a great talker and has all the right words but zero action behind them. I am just sick of him talking and I have no idea what to do. If I even try he blows a fuse and wants to change the subject or I am like a dripping faucet.

I hope I don't regret posting this.

Don't mean to dish on the dh but I have no clue what to do next so I am just throwing my hands up.

**Greebo** · 09-21-2009, 03:32 PM

I'm so sorry, Palooka. It sucks when your man acts like a little boy and you have to take on the role of Mom instead of Wife.

**Jamauk** · 09-21-2009, 03:38 PM

that's a hard one. and as much as you'd like to say "I've been telling you that for years!!!" it won't help the situation now.

I don't know what he's facing, but it sounds like it can't be good. If I were you, and since you seem to have your own seperate finances, I'd hand everything back to him and say "look, I've tried. but if you aren't willing to do this as a team, you need to take the finances back over. I can't do it anymore, its stressing me out and you are putting me in an unfair position. I love you and I want do this together, but until you are ready, I have to walk away from it."

Hopefully that will wake him up enough. If not, paying his own bills for a few months should!!

**nodmicks** · 09-21-2009, 03:42 PM

The best thing that ever happened with my dh was watching the Dave Ramsey videos years back. He was pretty much "yeah, yeah ,yeah" but not doing it until he saw those.

I hope he does come around and everything works out.

**Palooka** · 09-21-2009, 03:53 PM

Originally Posted by Jamauk

I don't know what he's facing, but it sounds like it can't be good. If I were you, and since you seem to have your own seperate finances, I'd hand everything back to him and say "look, I've tried. but if you aren't willing to do this as a team, you need to take the finances back over. I can't do it anymore, its stressing me out and you are putting me in an unfair position. I love you and I want do this together, but until you are ready, I have to walk away from it."

I did this once because I was so frustrated and every bill was late and it cost us more in late fee's for his crap that he didn't attend to. I'm better off keeping up with it, but it causes me huge stress. I can only stretch a dollar so much. Even though some bills are not on my name, it still affects us as a family. I still will pay them.

I did something really stupid. There was several over draft fee's because he doesn't bother checking until he has to.(over a time period) You know that is like a 35 dollar cost for each item overdrawn.

I thought I would be smart and get the bank Visa for only emergencies that would only be a 7 dollar fee and that transfers on the credit card instead of wiping us out.

What a mistake. Now I have a credit card debt there trying to do the right thing. I really need to cancel it because I don't want to go into more debt, but if our checking account gets overdrawn, that can cost us even more!

**Palooka** · 09-21-2009, 03:57 PM

Originally Posted by Greebo

I'm so sorry, Palooka. It sucks when your man acts like a little boy and you have to take on the role of Mom instead of Wife.

And they wonder why they get no nooky.

**Greebo** · 09-21-2009, 03:57 PM

Palooka, the two of you need to be in couples counseling. If he won't go, you need to be. The money is only one issue - the deeper one - the communication issue - must be addressed or your marriage has no chance of improving.

**Greebo** · 09-21-2009, 03:58 PM

Originally Posted by Palooka

And they wonder why they get no nooky.

Bwahahahahahah!

**Palooka** · 09-21-2009, 04:06 PM

Originally Posted by Greebo

Palooka, the two of you need to be in couples counseling. If he won't go, you need to be. The money is only one issue - the deeper one - the communication issue - must be addressed or your marriage has no chance of improving.

Believe it or not, we communicate and talk all the time. He is used to his mom and dad bailing him out in the past, I'm sure.(they enabled him) I also don't put much hope in counseling.

He had money issues when I married him.

**Jamauk** · 09-21-2009, 04:07 PM

I agree with Greebo. This issue is bigger than just finances. He's expecting you to be his mother. He's expecting to get what he wants, when he wants it. He's being selfish because his spending habits are taking essential items away from the rest of his family.

Its going to turn into a trust issue (already, you can't trust him to man up and pay his own bills) and you just don't want to go there!

**Jamauk** · 09-21-2009, 04:10 PM

Originally Posted by Palooka

Believe it or not, we communicate and talk all the time. He is used to his mom and dad bailing him out in the past, I'm sure.(they enabled him) I also don't put much hope in counseling.

He had money issues when I married him.

Talking is different than communicating. Is he hearing you? Is he understanding the strain this is putting on you? If he is a good husband and truly loves you as much as he should, it would make him sick to know what he's doing to you mentally.

It doesn't matter how much is parents enabled him. He doesn't live with them anymore. He IS the parent now and its time he grew up and took some responsibility for his actions ~ and dealt with the consequences.

**Greebo** · 09-21-2009, 04:12 PM

Originally Posted by Palooka

Believe it or not, we communicate and talk all the time. He is used to his mom and dad bailing him out in the past, I'm sure.(they enabled him) I also don't put much hope in counseling.

He had money issues when I married him.

Your honor, I present Exhibit A

Originally Posted by Palooka

What is not fine by me is when he won't even get involved or even bother to see when his loans are due or credit cards or how much we have in the checking account. He puts it all on my shoulders.
...
I have talked to him until I am blue in the face over and over and over again for us to work together on this. Just simple stuff like take your lunch instead of spending 10 bucks at Mr.Goodcents. Yes this has been building.
...
If I say anything, he thinks I am saying...I told you so! No, I am not saying that(well ya sorta ) but that if you would have listened to me and been more of a team, than it may have not gotten this far. He gets really defensive and tries to find something I did wrong to turn the tables on me.

He may be a good talker, but he's not a good LISTENER, clearly. And him trying to blame his failures on you is NOT a sign of clear, honest, open communication.

He has a lot of growing up to do - counseling may help and it has the potential to help in ways you absolutely CAN NOT.

**Palooka** · 09-21-2009, 04:21 PM

Originally Posted by Jamauk

I agree with Greebo. This issue is bigger than just finances. He's expecting you to be his mother. He's expecting to get what he wants, when he wants it. He's being selfish because his spending habits are taking essential items away from the rest of his family.

Its going to turn into a trust issue (already, you can't trust him to man up and pay his own bills) and you just don't want to go there!

But then I also feel guilty for not working. Really, he doesn't go out and spend a lot, it's the past mistakes he has made that is catching up. Like borrow money and use it to fix the house up and spend it on something else or robs Peter to pay paul. Escrow not in the house and the refinancing made us really upside down. (like 30 k) Borrowing money to pay for the house taxes, etc. My house is not on the name. Also he is still paying debt from when his ex-wife screwed him over big time! (she was a golddigger and he fell for it)

Originally Posted by Jamauk

Talking is different than communicating. Is he hearing you? Is he understanding the strain this is putting on you? If he is a good husband and truly loves you as much as he should, it would make him sick to know what he's doing to you mentally.

It doesn't matter how much is parents enabled him. He doesn't live with them anymore. He IS the parent now and its time he grew up and took some responsibility for his actions ~ and dealt with the consequences.

The problem is... if he deals with the consequences...where does that leave me? With nothing.

**Palooka** · 09-21-2009, 04:24 PM

Originally Posted by Greebo

Your honor, I present Exhibit A

I don't get what this means? lol Explain.

**piney** · 09-21-2009, 04:38 PM

I fell for you i had similar problems with my first husband. Even though he was in his 30 when we married he was still a spoilt child and he never grew up so i finnaly divorced him(not that i am encourgency you todivorce) ihope you all can work things out.