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02-18-2010, 08:47 AM #1
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She (or you, or your child, or your child's intended) SAID YES!!! Now what????
TALK. ABOUT. MONEY!!!
Questions to ask after "Yes, I will" but before "Yes, I do!"
Over half the divorces in this country cite money fights and money matters as a leading factor in why the marriage is ending. If you want a better than 50% chance of your marriage or the marriage of your child to succeed, then getting on the same page BEFORE tying the not is highly recommended.
Money matters. Don't think you can plan a life together with someone else without ever talking about it.If you could kick in the pants the person responsible for your problems, you wouldn't be able to sit for a month.
Did you know that a 4 year student paying $20,000/year who finances their education graduates with over $103,000 in debt to start? But a student who works and pays cash and takes 6 years to graduate ends with $6,300 in their pocket! So much for "getting a head start by financing!"
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- 02-18-2010, 09:30 AM #2
Knowing about how one handles money etc is important.
Hubby and I are on the same page. I'm not sure we ever had formal discussions on it though. Just dated for 5 years and knew how the other handled money. After married when we become one household took over bill paying and the like since he had the accounting degree. We merged all accounts and all money became our money. But I don't remember formal discussions on that either. Maybe money talks were just normal conversation for us?
02-18-2010, 09:37 AM #3
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This is true about all important life decisions and money should be at the top of the list. Too many people get all hyped up about the wedding and not the life after the wedding.
02-18-2010, 11:31 PM #4
It's weird because my first marriage we stayed out of debt and had nice things. Money was never an issue but we divorced over other things.
When I first started dating my now husband I remember sitting at the bar part in a restaurant with a beer and I said, "Hey, so how much debt do you have? " I was like ugh, but love can be blind sometimes, but a lot was because of his divorce and other stupid stuff.
We've been through a lot with money issues and things are looking up now. Sometimes the communication leads to fights and sometimes not. But it's our 6 year anniversary this weekend. heh
If I ever get divorced again and money is the main cause, I would never get married again and maybe later in life shack up with someone.
02-19-2010, 01:14 AM #5
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I don't think there's any amount of discussion with the young ones that's going to keep them from making bad financial decisions before and after they get married. My first marriage, we both had jobs. We were both military. Our largest problem was that he wanted to spend all of his check and I was fixated on taking care of the townhouse. We -always- fought about money but we did marry young (20 and 21). I think that age has more to do with it than financial experience (or the lack thereof).
Fast forward to this marriage and it's different. We have way more mature priorities and that's really attributed to being older. He came from a family where if you need it, they'll give it to you. I come from a family where if you need it, you need to find a way to get it yourself. I think that both upbringings and both family backgrounds really do help to mold a solid financial foundation for our marriage to succeed.
People have to also learn to talk about their financial matters. Hiding them or fighting about them is not making any positive leeway to fixing what's broken. Couples need to constantly work at making sure they're not drowning in debt or making horrible financial situations that do have negative reprocussions in the end. I know a lot of couples who will spend money like it's going to burn in their hands if they don't let go of it, and all the time I hear that it's one person making money and they're both really young. We've been teaching our youngest that before he becomes a parent, he has to do good in school, go to college/university, get a good job, then meet someone who doesn't spend money like a tap flowing with water. He's a smart kid and I know that if I keep reinforcing those ideals with him, he'll learn that it's a good way to be when he gets older.
I think a lot of it also is that parents really don't teach their kids a whole lot about what can happen when they're irresponsible with their money. They think that they'll just magically become responsible and put money into savings, keep from blowing paychecks on things that won't last them, or even use coupons when they purchase groceries.
I also think big, fancy weddings are a waste of money... but that's me. You can have a big wedding if you want to, but if you're spending more money on that dress than you're going to spend on a vehicle, your priorities are a lot more askewed than you thought they were.
02-19-2010, 03:11 PM #6
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My first marriage broke up because he cheated.....but he was immature w/money as well. I took care of all the bills and gave him an allowance!!!
My forever marriage - dh and I discussed bills and how to handle finances before we said "I do". We still took on too much credit card debt but we have never ever argued about money. We are on the same page too about digging ourselves out of debt. 2 more credit cards to go.....
In the meantime I am teaching my sons to manage money and have a healthy attitude about it. My sons know that I have a strict household budget and even though the 14 yr old teases me about couponing, he will find coupons for items he wants now too!! Maybe I am starting to get through.
02-22-2010, 07:11 PM #7
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We got married at 21 & 22 and both were from homes you earned what you got; nothing was handed to us. We have always been frugal. I've raised 3 sons and the youngest is very responsible with money, the second one is getting there and the oldest who makes the most money is so irresponsible. Sooooo you can teach them all you want, but when they grow up its then their decision.
Being on the same page about money BEFORE marriage is always a good idea.
02-22-2010, 09:29 PM #8
I agree money should be discussed before marriage or living together and definitely more then once and on many levels. You need to see if you're compatible re: thought process and ideologies as well as the end product or goal.
IE: Bills & spending, how to reduce, how to pay, who pays, how much to budget for certain items/projects and savings etc etc.
Having said this - bf and I are still working on this. He impulse buys but not really. Its always something he/we need and its well thought out & researched....so is that really an impulse purchase after all that? I guess I should say he just comes home with planned purchases that never had a 'purchase by' date lol. He also claims to be a 'guy' so his shopping method is 'in & out' whereas I'll comparison shop and shop where the sales are & try to stockpile. All in due time right?
And yes we discuss finances and spending habits and often. Yes, we're not afraid to go there.
03-01-2010, 03:33 AM #9
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Also the clothing stuff. If I need something new, I'll hop in and walk out with it within 15 minutes max.
Forcing me to do comparison shopping is a surefire way to keep me from spending.
It's gotten to the point where my wife has been poking me to buy a new pair of jeans for months. I guess it's a blessing in disguise that I don't like shopping for clothes.Start date: May 20th, 2009
Babystep 1: Emergency fund - done; 1000 EUR
Babystep 2: Debt snowball - done; 23300 EUR (Paid off, Apr 2011).
Babystep 3: Fully funded emergency fund - done; 18000/18000
Disclaimer: Male hormones are at work in close proximity to this key board. Therefore, please bear with me and if push comes to shove, please do blame anything stupid said on male 'logic'.
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