Need some help, major major life changing incident
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  1. #1
    Registered User Preston's Avatar
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    Default Need some help, major major life changing incident

    I don't know which forum to put this in, so I am putting it in the one I post most often at this board. I am throwing this on here because I like the anonymity and generally the people here are nice, even when we may disagree.

    Here is the situation I find myself in.

    About 3 years ago, I took my wife to the ER and it was found she had a pulmonary embolism, or blood clot on her long. This had been caused by a blood-clotting disorder in which her blood clots very easily. At this time, she tested positive for Factor V Leiden.

    She had been on coumadin which thins her blood. Her doctor said she could have issues taking coumadin should she become pregnant. Her doctor said pregnancy would not be a good thing with this condition.

    Yesterday, we took a home pregnancy test. Actually, we took a few. They all tested positive. This in addition to morning sickness symptoms. We're pretty sure this is it.

    Now, the doctor has had her stop the coumadin, but now I have to inject her twice daily with lovinox heparin, which helps the blood not clot. However, this puts her in extreme pain. And it really hurts me to see her in so much pain.

    We are going to a women's health clinic next week and getting more official tests done to see the condition, as she was on her meds for a month which could have already caused damage. This and we were on vacation and we were drinking more than usual. And although she was quitting smoking, she hasn't been able to give up completely.

    Research and talking to the doctor this is going to be a very high risk pregnancy. In fact, there is a high probability she won't be able to carry it to term. And if she does, she might not survive the pregnancy.

    My sister is the only family member who I have let this known to. We have not let our parents know of this situation yet, as we want to wait until we actually have the OBGYN visits. Both our parents are pro-life -- to the point of being psychotic.

    My wife and I are very scared about this. We are making this decision together.

    Financially this will be devistating, as the medication alone costs $300 a month, she will have to take a lot of time off work. And also not to mention she is scheduled to go back to school this fall.

    I am also teetering on losing my job. I have a second part-time job line up, that won't even come close to paying anything should my wife not work and I lose my job. In the meantime, the situation is sustainable.

    I am stockpiling cash for this, obviously.

    I need some advice on what to do with this. We are considering ALL options. And I do not want any religious quarrels and judgements on this, this is the reality of the situation.

    But in summary here is what I am looking at :

    1) My wife may not survive the pregnancy
    2) If she does, she might not carry it to term. Or could be still born.
    3) Damage may already have happened to the fetus.
    4) Financially the medical bills are going to be overwhelming.
    5) This is only day 2, but I have had to inject my wife with the medication for this, and she was in so much pain I can't even describe it.
    6) Once we let our family in on this, her parents are so pro-life that if we do terminate the pregnancy they probably won't talk to her anymore. (But I think that's their problem for not seeing the reality of the situation.)
    7) We do not have family that live near us, so we either will have to eat the daycare costs or do a big income drop.
    8) If there wasn't so much risk and so many variables, I would not hesitate to have the kid. It's not that we want to do this because it is 'convenient' it is just a hellhole of a situation.

    So, any feedback would be appreciated. as to whether or not we tell family or we keep it to ourselves. I'm really scared about this.

  2. #2
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    if you have to choose between your wife or the baby, i would choose your wife. and a vasectomy this week.
    baby step 2- see blog for actual amounts

    "stop being a victim, you are a perpetrator, taking things without paying for them is stealing, you are not a victim, you are a perpetrator. PAY THE PEOPLE YOU OWE, pray for the people you owe, and make it right. " hard nosed AA person, thumping his big book, addressed to me in AA meeting 7/30/2013

  3. #3
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    Wow- what a tough situation Preston.

    If it were me, I wouldn't say anything to anyone yet. At least until you get more information and have gotten through the shock you're both in right now. Then re-evaluate if you need to say anything to anybody or not.

    Hugs to you and your wife, and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. And I certainly wont' judge you if you end up having to make the decision to terminate.
    “When you get to the end of all the light you know
    and it's time to step into the darkness of the unknown,
    faith is knowing that one of two things will happen:
    you will be given something solid to stand on,
    or you will be taught how to fly.” - Edward Teller


    “Our Earth is degenerate in these later days;
    there are signs that the world is speedily
    coming to an end;
    bribery and corruption are common; children no
    longer obey their parents;
    every man wants to write a book and the
    end of the world is evidently approaching.”
    — From a translation of an inscription on
    an Assyrian clay tablet, circa 2800 B.C.E.


    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
    courage to change the things I can,
    and the wisdom to know the difference
    .



    aho mitakuye oyasin

  4. #4
    Registered User pollypurebred39's Avatar
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    Oh Preston, my heart goes out to you and your wife.

    Polly

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    Are you having to give her the shots in her belly? And they hurt? Is this daily? If so, perhaps she needs to learn how to give them to herself. I had to give those anti-clotting shots to SO and he freaked out about how shaky I was.

    There is no determination for when someone dies - we could all die tomorrow but I can tell you a really, really sad story of a woman that died during childbirth and left her husband w/ a newborn.

    You need more exact medical advice cuz' what I'm hearing from you is a whole lot of panic. You don't have to make a decision yet on anything however you are doing the right thing in getting outside information / opinions / input.

    If the in-laws chose to dis-bar / ignore / shame their daughter and you, you and her have no control over that. I personally would delay that until the bitter end and only if / when necessary.

    $$ and circumstances will work themselves out. There is some help out there.

    Keep the gut checked, Preston. You and your wife will know what to do when / if it's time to do it.

  6. #6
    Registered User Libby's Avatar
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    Preston - congrats!! (if you want them?)

    My thoughts on this - get all the dr visits in, do research on the internet yourself and make a list of questions so you are prepared when you go into the dr's office. Once you have all the answers you need & info - make your decision then. Until that time...keep doing what you need to, take care of your wife. Perhaps call a nurse hotline and ask them if there's any less painful way to give the injections?

    I agree with Jerry - circumstances do end up working themselves out. You may not be in your 'dream' positions (house, job etc) right now but there will be a way for things to work themselves out.

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    Preston...what does your wife want? Yikes...you are in a hard spot! Don't do anything rash until you've had the chance to have more tests and talk to some additional doctors. It came down to a decision between my mom living or I living (she was pregnant with me) ....she chose me....she lived...so did I...we were about as close as a mom and daughter could be....It's a risk no doubt...both ways....lose a child..lose a wife...but maybe..just maybe... you can have both....so hear what the docs say first.... i'll be thinking of you and saying a prayer....

  8. #8
    Moderator nuisance26's Avatar
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    ~I'm sorry to hear that your wife is in so much pain! It's so hard when someone you love is hurting.
    I'm staunchly pro-life so you see me giving you a thumbs up to ending the pregnancy based on any of your reasons. Even the healthiest expectant mothers can have anything go wrong at any time. Giving life is really risky but you will drive yourself insane constantly worrying about the risks.
    There are many pro-life support groups that may help you pay for part or all of your wife's medication. I won't link to any of them so as not to turn the thread into a debate but they're easy to find with a quick internet search.
    And I'll second the congratulations! I'll be praying for the best possible outcome for your family.~

  9. #9
    Registered User daughter of pearl's Avatar
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    My heart goes out to you and your wife!

    My best advice is to wait for more information before you sway your decision in one direction or another.

    And stay close by your wife's side (emotionally, I know you have to work!).

    It might be good to make two lists:

    things you can control
    things you can't control

    That way you don't waste energy on things that are beyond the scope of your control.

    Good vibes, Preston!

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    I have so much to say I don't know where to begin. First how wonderful of you to have the empathy that you have about giving your wife the shots. Love that In people. Second I do think you need to find out all you can before you tell anyone or make a decision. Is she seeing a specialist for this condition she has. If not I think that should be first on your list. I am pro-life; but if its your wife or the pregnancy I definately believe she comes first in this situation. And if her parents would do to you what you said; shame on them in this situation. To let you know if you qualify; you can get the drug she needs through the company that makes it. I qualified to get mine for free. Because of you saying about the medical; does that mean you don't have health ins? Just wondering. In the end; this decision is up to you and your wife. If you make a decision based on other peoples opinions and the outcome is not good; you'll be kicking yourself. So sorry you both have to make such a hard decision; make the one that is right for both of you.

  11. #11
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    Preston-

    My heart goes out to you. This is obviously a challenging situation with many moving parts and factors to consider.

    My only advise would be to consult your doctor, consult your finances, and come to a decision as a TEAM with your wife as to what you want to happen. There are so many variables and there is always a risk/benefit to the unknown. Make a decision in your considered judgment -- so that even if you wished circumstances (medically/financially/etc.) were otherwise, you can be at peace with knowing that you made the best decision possible for YOUR family (not for your wife's family, or anyone else).

    In my mind, this is a very personal decision, and one that you have no obligation to share with anyone outside of your marriage (and your doctors).

    You have listed a variety of "cons" as to why the pregnancy should not continue. If your wife agrees that these cons outweigh the potential benefit (best case scenario a healty baby that you can take care of and provide for; or even a child with challenges that you are willing to accept), then I believe you already have your answer.

    I wish you the best.

  12. #12
    Registered User Preston's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JerryG View Post
    Are you having to give her the shots in her belly? And they hurt? Is this daily? If so, perhaps she needs to learn how to give them to herself. I had to give those anti-clotting shots to SO and he freaked out about how shaky I was.
    Twice daily. Once when she gets up and once before she goes to bed. She can give them to herself, but she really hates needles and has a really hard time with it. So I do it. I am not shaky I'm of the school of thought of 'if it needs to get done, do it.' so I cut through the BS but be as gentle as I can with it.

    I think the pain itself is bad enough, but I also think the type of pain reminds her of when she first found out about her disorder and how emotionally draining that whole situation was -- it also bankrupted us, and it really put a strain on our young marriage.

    We are a lot closer now and we are a lot stronger and this is something we are doing together.

  13. #13
    Registered User Preston's Avatar
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    We have health insurance and the money situation is something I will deal with regardless of what happens. I have had enough things happen in my life I have learned to survive regardless of the circumstances, and this will be no different.

    My wife has never been very up to the idea of having kids, especially when she found out about her blood disorder. If this happened two years ago, we easily would have had to say we couldn't do it. But she also mentioned she would like some time to think about it before making a decision one way or the other. I am open either way. My role in this is to be supportive and get her what she needs. This has been a very intense past few days, and it has the possibility of getting worse.

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    Could your wife's blood disorder be passed on to a baby?- or do you have any significant/debilitating medical conditions that could be passed on? This would be a significant consideration for me.

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    Registered User kcsmom76's Avatar
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    I just want to give you and your wife some more (((hugs))) and say I will pray for your situation. You have been given some great advice.

    ETA: A baby is a blessing, but you have to make the decision based on YOUR and YOUR WIFE's circumstances. And if you decide not to do it, I would agree you need to get a vasectomy ASAP so as not to have to go through this stress again. (((hugs)))

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