DH just doesn't understand

[McD]

Okay, so here's what I have noticed. You have made a shift from seeing a possible solution and having a 'why bother it won't be good enough' type of mentality to taking that solution and finding a way to make it work as a starting point.

My husband is not a big helper either in terms of the finances and I know how frustrating that is. I have had days when all I wanted was for someone to take care of it all. I feel for you. I really truly do.

So right now, you have accepted your husband's limitation on being able to help you with the finances. That's a start. Now you've got to find ways to streamline your process and make it easier for you. Does your bank offer online banking or bill pay?

[ansley]

Ansley, You do deserve a break - unfortunately I don't think it's going to look like you described of DH taking over anything. What can you do for yourself everyday to give yourself some breathing room? Even 10 minutes a day of time just to sit and breathe will help.

Does your DD have a disability that is covered by IDEA? Does she have an IEP?

I have been taking to my bed this week. Last night DH got ticked about it. He never takes it out on me. He just fuses at every little thing the dc do.

She has not been tested and the school doesn't refuse to do it they just won't do it. The person I talked to at the disabilities rights place agrees that she thinks dd has ADD and is trying to help me find a good dr. The dr I used was more interested in her weight (she is stocky built and a little chubby too). I also feel that DD is a little developmentally delayed. One ex is that she would not draw, color or paint until she was 5. She is 9 and her 3yo brother can lace cards just as well as she can and beads better than she can.

I have been teary. I do need a good cry.

[mauimagic]

Not knowing how your state works - I think it's illegal to refuse to test a child if the parent requests it. Here we have 60 days after a parent files a form 101 to have a meeting and decide what should be done for the child - assessments or not, etc. If the parent does not agree there is a mediation process in place that the parent can request or the parent can take the school to court. Do you know what the process is at your school?

Have you had a physical checkup lately? Sounds as if you deserve one.

[pollypurebred39]

Is that enough? My X had to testify in a case where some kids broke onto a man's property to ride 4-wheelers. One of the kids tried to take a hill that was too steep and the 4-wheeler fell on him. There was chain link on the road side and part way down both sides and barbed wire the rest of the way around. The sheriff testified to having to break the lock off to get the ambulance in. The law suit was dropped but he had a fence around his hazard.

I don't know if it's enough. I was just thinking that something needed to be done and it just might prevent an accident.

[kita]

Ansley...
twice now I have seen you say that your husband would swear at you or be angry, but not actually tell you. Don't you think that if you spend some time mentally re-grouping in bed that he gets annoyed with the dc because he is annoyed at the dc not you? Maybe he isn't used to dealing with dc.
If he is mowing the lawn and not actually cursing, don't imagine that he is...maybe he is cussing you out in his mind, but if he is mature enough to realize that he is being childish and so is quiet? That is half the battle. Honestly, if his behavior is good, don't fault his feelings. (he really should be patient with dc, though)
Also, your suppositions on what your life would be like now if your husband had been on board all this time are just suppositions. It is a bad aguement called 'Hypothesis Contrary To Fact'. It didn't happen that way so you don't know. Maybe if your husband had been working two jobs he would be been so tired, he would have caused a multiple car pile-up on the freeway killing himself, and two of your children leaving you to raise the younger two by yourself. Or maybe even good things could have resulted but trying financially. Amy D had in her first (?) book a "chinese proverb" which said "It is not frugal to go to bed early to save electricity when the result is twins". With a set of twins would your life be better or worse?
Something you have to be aware of is negativity. I have to watch this in me CONSTANTLY. I can make anything bad. And then berate myself for it. When my father died, I did it very clearly. When I was sad about his death, I would then get into a mood and think"why are you so depressed about this, he was an a$$hole of a father and he had cancer. He isn't even in any pain, anymore" and then when I felt relieved that I no longer had to deal with a complicted relationship, I told myself "How DARE you feel relieved that your father is gone. Have you no respect? He was your father after all..." See how neatly I did that. I was miserable anyway I looked at it.
So, be happy. You don't think that your 3% a year debt payoff wasn't good enough. WTF? If you paid off 3% and your husband was totally not on baord, I don't think that was excellent or good. It was SPECTACTULAR. And this past year the two of you paid off 25%? Pat yourselves on the back. The economy sucks right now and most Americans net worth is lowering. Pissed that you can't stay home with your daughter? Be grateful that she sees a strong capable woman who is disciplined enough to work when it needs to be done. She may not be able to express it now but she knows.
If it has been a year with him on board, maybe it is time for a "budget fine-tuning" Compare your budget to some examples by Ramsey or crown financial. Then suggest that you need a some blow money as well. And then blow it and be grateful...

[khaski]

Ansley, have you 2 tried marriage counseling? It may be getting time to consider counseling or leaving if he refuses. You sound miserable, and you have EVERY right to be. While he obviously must have some great traits for you to be married, it sounds like his recent financial activities reek of secretiveness and disrespect for you. You are supposed to be partners! You will not always agree, but you must compromise- and it sounds like YOU are the one making all the compromises and he is doing whatever he pleases. See if you can get him in to marriage counseling to save your marriage...a fresh point of view from a 3rd party may help him to really see how he's hurting you. You cannot go on like this- the resentment and anger (which you are ENTITLED to feel over these things, I sure would too) is slowly poisoning your union- and that will affect your dcs down the line too, even worse than a divorce or rough patch. You cannot let it stay as is, and you cannot let yourself, and every dream of yours, be swallowed up by his selfishness.

I am so sorry you find yourself in this spot right now, I will keep your family in my prayers.

[ansley]

Not knowing how your state works - I think it's illegal to refuse to test a child if the parent requests it. Here we have 60 days after a parent files a form 101 to have a meeting and decide what should be done for the child - assessments or not, etc. If the parent does not agree there is a mediation process in place that the parent can request or the parent can take the school to court. Do you know what the process is at your school?

Have you had a physical checkup lately? Sounds as if you deserve one.

They have to test her if a parent asks. I didn't know to ask a certain way and just found out I was asking the wrong way. I have the form letter filled out and need to get it mailed with sig requested.

I contacted the school counselor, principal, superintendant, homeroom teachers and the school special education director. I asked what I needed to do. What could we (the school and parents) do? How did they know she needed to be in a developmental K class? Why, if she needed the developmental k class, they were just dropping her the next yr and etc. I didn't know what else to do or where to go.

My nephew is ADHD and my sister told me to do a search under something (I don't remember exactly what) and I found a place that can do part of the testing but they don't cover our area. The lady there did tell me how to get up with the disabilities rights for our state. I got up with them and here we are.

[ansley]

I plan to get the harmonica this afternoon. If the weather cooperates I will take the kids outside and let them make all the noise they want. I don't know if the archery stuff is out yet but it will need to wait a little anyway.

I looked on-line at small tables. I found one that would be perfect for the kitchen but it was $800. Surly they can be found for less. It is a small table and 2 stools for crying out loud. I wanted this so the kids and I could cook together but it needs to take up little space.

I didn't find the tomato stakes. I should have asked DH (he rearranged the shed when the tree branch broke the top plate on the left side.) over the weekend but I didn't. I'll ask him tonight if I don't forget. I also need to ask him where the sandpaper is. The bathroom door is catching at the top and I figure I can sand it down a little to fix it.

I have a beefed up EF and I guess I need to take some of the extra to get a small storage building. I really want the carport/shed torn off the house so that we have access to the backyard. We could avoid the dreaded tree and get equipment in to fix the issues with the natural spring. That is about 6mos of saving and hard to let go of.

[Cricketlegs]

What is it that you need to store? I had an entire filled attic for 10 years of stuff and when I got up there I ended up hauling it all to Goodwill or the curb.

If it is tools like hand tools then buy a few large buckets.

[miss_cas]

You are not the only one who probably regrets the man she married, at least sometimes.

I had a friend whose husband would run his mouth saying some really sexually explicit stuff at work, he got fired from fast food jobs repeatedly. He was unable to find anything else because he was a dishonorable discharge from the military. They filed bankruptcy, so he was unable to get a lot of other kinds of jobs. He drained the checking account frequently for pizza emergencies at his fast food job when my friend needed to get supplies for the baby or food.

When he watched the kids, he threw the dirty diapers on the living room floor. The dishes and uneaten food sat on the countertops piled high in the kitchen with flies swarming around it. They irreparably damaged the carpet in more than one home.

When one of their children, had a life threatening emergency and spent months in the hospital, the same clothes were in the washer ruined upon my friend's return home. The house had been partied in. My friend had the older child at the hospital with the sick one staying in the Ronald McDonald house. The new-born baby stayed with the grandparents.

The situation finally ended in divorce.

I kick myself for not asking what my friend saw in the man while they were still dating. When I finally got my friend a good job, she already had 6 month old and she could not handle the demands of the baby, bigger baby and working a second shift job. I don't give recommendations any more. She only lasted 2 weeks. I had worked there 4 years.

[ansley]

What is it that you need to store? I had an entire filled attic for 10 years of stuff and when I got up there I ended up hauling it all to Goodwill or the curb.

If it is tools like hand tools then buy a few large buckets.

Most of it I plan to put on the road and say free until trash pickup. It is things like DH's tools (saws, drills), yard and garden equipment, Christmas decorations, wood from previous projects (we could sell that) and etc that I need to store.

I also have some books and movies out there that I want in the house. I just need to find storage for them.

Are the large buckets water proof and where do you store them?

[Cricketlegs]

I put mine on the patio. They have lids. I also have a plastic small shed I got on deep discount from sears as they were getting rid of displays for new models. A little rough for wear but I don't care.