DH just doesn't understand

**ansley** · 07-13-2010, 01:16 PM

Warning: Whine ahead

I just feel so down about our finances. DH keeps saying, "But we are doing so good". Not compared to the fact that we should have been debt free, including the house, 3yrs ago. Not compared to the fact that I have done without and worked hard at the DR plan for 9yrs while he has only been working at this for 1yr. Not compared to the fact that I gave up almost all my dreams because he couldn't control his spending. These are dreams that I can't do later. I have come to the realization that I have to give them up or drive myself crazy. I just can't find anything to replace them to make all the sacrifice worth it.

All I want to do right now is go home and sleep for a week.

Dreams

Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.
Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow.

Langston Hughes

**Dancing Lotus** · 07-13-2010, 01:28 PM

Sometimes we spend so much time dreaming that we forget how to live.

I too gave up my dreams because of money in order to help my husband achieve his dreams. At one point about a year ago I really began to resent him. The thing I had forgotten was that it was my choice to do so. It may not appear as if you had a choice but there is always a choice.
Once I accepted that I was able to let go of those feelings and start living more of my life for me. I may not be able to get back missing opportunities but more will come along. It does no good to cry over the split milk, the best thing to do get another glass.

What is it that you think you can't do later? I want to study psychology and have been waiting 9 yrs to do so. I thought now would be the time but as it turns it's not. That's ok, I'll just have to find something else to keep me busy while I wait for the right time. I might be 90 before that comes but I'm not going to waist the next 60 just waiting. Just my experience

**ansley** · 07-13-2010, 02:18 PM

As to choices he bought the trucks without my knowledge (trading in a truck with my name and no "OR" that was less than 1 payment from being paid off), he took a min wage job because he liked it better without my knowledge, he got himself fired and almost arrested because he didn't want to work a 2nd job without my knowledge. None of that was my choice, I didn't even get a say as I was told after the fact. The only choice I have is to divorce him, file bankruptcy and go on welfare. To be honest I am to the point of saying to h*ll with it and doing it.

I will never have another chance to be a stay at home mom to my children period.

**mauimagic** · 07-13-2010, 02:50 PM

Rough times to wade through right now. Only you can decide what is right for you. It's hard to let go of the nightmares of the past - is it really in anyone's best interest to keep hold of the negative energy?

I know that it sounds simple minded, but if we learn to live and love what we have and build from there our lives would be much better. Hard to do; we all run up to demons from the past and yet our lives keep going strong regardless of our choices. No one can change the past, we can only learn and grow.

Please take care of yourself. Let us know how things are going. Sounds as if there have been a lot of disappointments in the past, and also positive developments within the past year or so.

You are obviously a very strong, intelligent and caring woman. Use your strengths to guide your way.

**Greebo** · 07-13-2010, 03:01 PM

Originally Posted by ansley

I just feel so down about our finances. DH keeps saying, "But we are doing so good". Not compared to the fact that we should have been debt free, including the house, 3yrs ago.

Where would you be if...

Not compared to the fact that I have done without and worked hard at the DR plan for 9yrs while he has only been working at this for 1yr.

DH had not started working this a year ago?

Not compared to the fact that I gave up almost all my dreams because he couldn't control his spending. These are dreams that I can't do later.

What can't you do later?

**ansley** · 07-13-2010, 03:44 PM

What bothers me the most is that he thinks that now that he is helping everything is okay. I'm tired of being the head of the household, I'm tired of trying to pull his a$$ out of debt, I'm tired of missing my dc's milestones, I'm tired of my dc missing out on the library activities (the only free thing in our town, the only thing period in our town except sports which is so competitive that the parents and coaches rant and rave at the dc). I'm tired of having to let MIL mistreat the dc because I need a babysitter when the dc are sick.

All I ever wanted was to be a SAHM. What dream can you substitute for that? I wanted to learn to play the piano and that can wait 40yrs but that can wait forever because it isn't that big a deal.

**ansley** · 07-13-2010, 03:51 PM

Originally Posted by Greebo

Where would you be if...

DH had not started working this a year ago?

What can't you do later?

If I understand the 1st part correctly I would be debt free and not have to worry about household or auto repairs. Our neighbor’s tree has once again dropped a branch on our roof. It broke the gutter and top seal plate and is leaking. Holes are appearing all over the yard and under the foundation of the house but no money to see how bad much less fix or take care of a lawsuit.

DH started with the Aug 09 budget. So, we are officially on our 12th budget. I started in Aug of 01. I want to note that he always had input on the budget and helped with it. He just chose to spend what he wanted anyway.

I cannot be a stay at home mom to my children later. The children are only small for limited time.

**mek42** · 07-13-2010, 04:52 PM

Call your homeowners insurance about the neighbors tree. It should be their job to take care of things.

I know there's probably neither time nor money, but maybe you should think about couples counseling regarding your husband's financial infidelities and the impact on the relationship.

**NewLeaf** · 07-13-2010, 04:55 PM

How old are your kids? I have stayed at home with mine since they were born and that has been wonderful, but - I am finding that I needed to be home with them when they were younger. Now that they are older they need me more. I have a 7 yr old and a 14 yr old. It's true, they need me home more now.

No matter if you are working or staying at home, you are still their mother and the most important figure in their lives.

I've been where you are, I gave up dreams and later resented it. I have been trying to find new dreams that are doable now. I hope you can get some peace.

**Dancing Lotus** · 07-13-2010, 05:04 PM

Well I certainly did not realize what you meant by dreams. No you can't get a do over when it comes to staying home with your kids but what really matters is what you do with the time you do have to spend with them. I hope you understood what I was trying to say to you and it didn't offend you in anyway.

**ml2620** · 07-13-2010, 05:07 PM

Ansley, I understand your frustrations completely. I discovered 3 months after getting married my husband owed over $150K in taxes and never told me. It was a very, very bad time in our marriage and the resentment definitely grew. It still comes out at times, in arguments - I still play the debt card.

But the others are right, at this point it is what it is and you wake up and make that choice every day to stay with him, to resent him and to stick with the Dave Ramsey plan.

The alternative is you could take the kids and leave, but that really eliminates every chance you may have of staying home with the kids and I'm guessing some of the debt would still be yours.

I also wanted to be a SAHM and am expecting my first child next month. My only child because of course....this debt. I will not be a stay at home mom because I make more money, and more dependable money than my husband.

But once the switch hit and I could see that I chose this, I accept this as how my life is and I embrace this, it made it alot easier.

I know you are having a moment, I have plenty of my own. But at the end of the day you know you want to eliminate debt and keep your family whole and have any small chance of being a SAHM at some point, you have to work inside your current framework.

**Greebo** · 07-13-2010, 06:18 PM

Originally Posted by ansley

If I understand the 1st part correctly I would be debt free and not have to worry about household or auto repairs. Our neighbor’s tree has once again dropped a branch on our roof. It broke the gutter and top seal plate and is leaking. Holes are appearing all over the yard and under the foundation of the house but no money to see how bad much less fix or take care of a lawsuit.

DH started with the Aug 09 budget. So, we are officially on our 12th budget. I started in Aug of 01. I want to note that he always had input on the budget and helped with it. He just chose to spend what he wanted anyway.

So in other words, he's paying lip-service to the budget, not being a man of his word?

And you're letting him get away with LYING TO HIS WIFE?

**ladykemma2** · 07-13-2010, 07:27 PM

you would never have been a stay at home wife/mom with this man. your posts complaining about him date back earlier than 2008 and very little has changed.

you chose to marry him. you chose to stay married to him. you chose to breed with him. no victim - this is all your fault.

what are you going to do to improve your life today?

**my4littlebuffaloes** · 07-13-2010, 09:40 PM

You are in a really hard spot, but try to think of a way right now, that you can be with your kids more. Can you get a different job with different hours? Can you cut one day out a week from your schedule? Can you visit them on your lunch hour? Try to figure something out that you can spend more time with them right now.

That being said, I have been watching over the years other moms and analyzing the different times people choose to be stay at home parents. Just last year a woman I know decided to cut her hours in half so she could be home to get her oldest kid off the bus each day. She didn't feel the need to stay home with the kids when they were little and would never remember it. she choose to make sure she was there for them when they were in school. Many people feel that their kids need them more when they are in school.

It isn't the end of the world that your children are in daycare. Stop beating yourself up over it. You are still the main person in their life and they love you best. As for the MIL, try to find a different back up daycare provider. Would a friend of yours do it for you instead?

I'm sorry you are feeling so down, try to find something positive to think about and focus on. There are positives in your life, but you might have to look hard to find them.

**starsapphire** · 07-13-2010, 11:17 PM

You have two choices. You can choose to stay and make the best of it. That is what you are currently choosing and you sound unhappy.

You can choose to leave. This will be the harder choice because it involves Significant change. If you are truly miserable this will be the direction you take. It will be very hard but doable and it will involve you giving up your dream of being a SAHM. Guess what, you can make new dreams for yourself and make them happen. And the best part, you will find out that you are made of Much Tougher Stuff than you ever thought possible. You will have learned so much and grown and changed so much, be So Much Happier and be a much better person for it that you will wonder why you didn't do this years ago. Your kids will be much happier not having to live with tension and sadness anymore.

Signed,
A woman who chose to stay for way too long, then chose to leave and now in a happy marriage - because I chose to change.