college

**happymommy** · 10-26-2010, 04:20 PM

Hi!
Our daughter is in her senior year and is looking at colleges. Unfortunately we don't have the money to pay for her wishes.
They are not extravagant, she is looking at state schools but wants to board.
Which will cost 9-$1200.00 a year plus tuition and fees, so we're talking about $18,000.++++ a year!

We can help pay a large % if she went to a local college. We actually have a state college in our back yard practically.

But she wants to board and meet lots new people.
I feel so bad. We just don't have that kind of money. She doesn't understand and just cries. Makes me feel like the biggest failure.

Dh was our of work for over a year.
We were lucky he finally found a job. Of course we used a lot of savings and are getting on our feet.
His new job is a blessing and we know how blessed we are that he has a job, we could be in a much sadder place.

We have to pay our own health insurance. It was $1352. now it went up to $1865.00 a MONTH. YIKES we are still in sticker shock.
Yes this is the lowest plan allowing us to still have our family doctors......... we have had for decades.

Who knows what next year will bring. Will dh still have a job?
What will we do next year for health insurance, as I'm sure it will go up again and this is not a Cadillac plan.

Were hoping his boss with give dh a small raise to help out a bit.
So were waiting on that news.

I am terrified of parent co-signed loans, so that is not an option.
I don't want her to have loans, but do I have a say when she is 18?

Thanks for any thoughts and experiences you could share. hm

**ladykemma2** · 10-26-2010, 04:34 PM

Originally Posted by happymommy

We can help pay a large % if she went to a local college. We actually have a state college in our back yard practically.

But she wants to board and meet lots new people.
I feel so bad. We just don't have that kind of money. She doesn't understand and just cries. Makes me feel like the biggest failure.

Dh was our of work for over a year.
We were lucky he finally found a job. Of course we used a lot of savings and are getting on our feet.
His new job is a blessing and we know how blessed we are that he has a job, we could be in a much sadder place.

We have to pay our own health insurance. It was $1352. now it went up to $1865.00 a MONTH. YIKES we are still in sticker shock.
Yes this is the lowest plan allowing us to still have our family doctors......... we have had for decades.

tell her exactly this, what you told us. so she cries. too bad. she can have a roof over her head and food. while she goes to local college. there is no money for college. she can go to a local school and transfer at the junior year.

**Momto5RN** · 10-26-2010, 04:42 PM

our kids are paying for their own college .
one took out loans and went away
he is now hating the fact of how long it will take him to pay back loans.

second is working living at home going to community college first two years and planning the second 2 years away if she has to or at least commuting .

you can meet plenty of new people at local college my dd has made many new friends at a school she calls her second HS because she already knew so many there when she started but met alot more too .

you are not a failure - there are people who were once considered the " rich" friends of my dd who ended up at the community college when their parents lost jobs - lost $$ in the market etc - if anything theer are more people going to and community / local / state colleges are more accepted now then ever because of the economy .

if she has friends that go to a live away college she can always go to visit them - thats when most of the social stuff goes on anywway the weekends not during the week

reality is we dont always get what we want in life or i would be living in a house with 8 bedrooms - 5 bathrooms and a built in pool . oh and a sound proof room for when the teen girls start their PMS-y arguments !!!

**nyguyli** · 10-26-2010, 04:43 PM

It is very hard for a teenage girl to understand, and possibly she does not understand the cost involved. Sounds cliché but they think 'money grows on trees'.

Coming from my situation, I went to community college and than commuted to a private university with the help of my parents on some of the tuition. I am very thankful and still graduated with $20k+ in student loans. The payment is manageable for me.

My girlfriend on the other hand went away to a private university, paid for herself and graduated with nearly $100,000 in student loans. She says she would've done things differently and didn't realize the amount of money she borrowed and how it would impact her life after school.

As a parent you want to make your children happy, and I'm sure her crying make you want to help but really evaluate if you can do it. She might not understand why you cant help her, but your the parent and not there to make your child 'happy' you're job is to make the right choices for them when they can't make them for themselves.

What does she want to major in? The cheaper school could give her the same advantages as a big private university. I know accountants who attended community college than a state school, who sit next to and make the same salary as an accountant who attended Norte Dame.

I commuted and found if it is a commuter school, it still offers clubs and activities were she will meet new people. Going away would be nice, but to go in to huge debt than it is not worth paying to meet new people out of state.

At $18,000/year you're looking at $72,000 and add in interest she could be stuck with a $700 monthly payment her entire life after graduation.

Seriously have a talk with her and explain these things, I would steer away from loans to fund education. It's no guarantee to a high paying job.

In the end you know your situation best, and I hope you make the right choice for her.

**sunshine** · 10-26-2010, 04:43 PM

I agree-- she wants to be an adult, she has to act like one, and realize that you can't always have what you "want". . . and that crying doesn't gain you anything.

My dd had a 100% tuition scholarship to an out of state private college. We could have eeked out the $5000/semester for room/board/books, but it would have been a struggle. She sat down and wrote out the pros and cons of going out of state vs staying at home and attending the local community college. Staying home meant she could keep her 2 jobs (a huge plus in this economy), save tons of money, etc. She talked long and hard to the out of state college , and they agreed to hold her scholarship for when she finishes here, and they'll accept her associate degree without making her add a bunch of classes, so she'll start in there as a full fledged junior.

**frugalwarrior2** · 10-26-2010, 04:56 PM

My DS wants to go to a university that is $15,000 per year and we don't have it anyway. So he will attend Comm Coll. for 1 year here and we will pay( $3000.ish w/ books-saving $12,000). He lives here rent free,uses our insured car. If he gets good grades at Comm Coll. we will help w/ what we can (no amt. Promised) as long as the grades remain high. If he goes to Comm Coll he may qualify for transfer loans too.

In my opinion,your DD needs to be part of the process. We haven't worked out everything but where's the motivation if you did hand it to her? We still have to figure out the 2nd year as he must live on campus and more than likely not qualify for personal loans his first year (I don't want to co-sign). He knows he will work part time for spending money. He can have a car there if we can co-ordinate one for him. We currently have 2 for 4 people.

**MaryCarney** · 10-26-2010, 05:34 PM

I'm going to take a different tack here - although I agree with what's been said so far.

As soon as you get your tax statements in January - go online and fill out the FAFSA (federal student aid application). You will find out exactly how much aid (and I mean grants and scholarships- NOT LOANS) she qualifies for.

The lower your income, the more you qualify for. The aid can cover tuition as well as room, board and books and other expenses.

You may find that she may, after all, be able to attend residential college.

At least you'll have REAL numbers and not just what you THINK will be the numbers.

**Contrary Housewife** · 10-26-2010, 06:22 PM

As you say, she doesn't understand.

She doesn't have to board to meet new people. They will be in her classes and all around her in between classes. She will have lots of chances to meet people and socialize. Dorms aren't all they're cracked up to be, it isn't all fun and parties like in the movies. Roomies steal from you, bring home boyfriends while you're trying to study, and leave vomit on the floor of the bathroom.

I agree with MaryCarney that you should look into financial aid ASAP.

**shoiji** · 10-26-2010, 06:39 PM

Definately start having a conversation with her about finances. Does she know what type of degree she will end up with once graduating from college? If so see if you can find the starting salary if she finds a job right away in her field. Then figure out a budget she could live off of while paying back student loans. Then figure out what her income might be once she graduates and has to pay back a really large student loan and has a minimum wage job because that is all she could find once graduating from college. Lets face it, many times this happens. Hopefully this will be an eye opener for her.

The more she is in the discussion and understands financial responsibility the better she will be able to make good decisions. Many people go to community college and then transfer. Have her talk with her guidance counselor to discuss what kind of scholarships there are out there and the types of financial aid available.

She will have more than enough opportunity to meet people when she goes to college. She will meet them on campus, in class, at different types of clubs at the college. Once she starts to understand the financial obligations involved in college the more she can make better decisions for herself.

I still think going to college is still a privilege. Not everyone is able to go to college or has the backing that you are giving your daughter. Hang in there. I am sure your daughter will come around and most likely be grateful that you are helping her see the light.

Graduating college with thousands of dollars in debt is a horrible life lesson to live with.

**Pianolady** · 10-26-2010, 08:21 PM

Fill out the FAFSA in February after you fill out your federal taxes (which you'll need to do right away in February to meet deadlines), and apply, apply, and apply some more for every possible scholarship you can find. The counselor at your high school should be able to help with this. January - March, applying for scholarships and grants should be a "job" for the college-bound student. If you are low on income, there's a lot of aid out there right now, but not if you don't apply for it.

We have two children in a state college right now. Their school too advertises $18k per year, but with all the grants and scholarships, they've turned down loans, opting only for the subsidized loans while in college. I think each kid paid around $100 total for tuition/room & board last semester. Don't give up until you've applied for aid, and find out how much it will really cost.

**happymommy** · 10-26-2010, 09:04 PM

Wow!
Thanks everyone for replying to my post. You have been very helpful.

Funny each child is so different. I already have one daughter in a University in our home town. We were very lucky she graduated valedictorian and received a full scholarship, right before dh lost his job. We lucked out!

Right now she wants to be a sociologist... Funny her best friend wants to be one too??? And they are looking at the same colleges.
So deep in my heart I know she is on the immature side in many areas of her thinking.
Even though I don't know how you would want to be a sociologist if you HATE to read.
Can't figure that one out. lol

Hopefully she will come around and see the light.

She would have the option of going to a state school that is local. We have several in our state. She is just choosing the ones on the other end of the state.

I really just want her to know I am supporting her, and only want the best for her during and after college.

Yes I know the fafsa will be the big tell all but I don't think we will qualify for much.
My daughter has been filling out scholarship applications. Fingers crossed.

Again a big thank you, to all of you for your help. I feel better.
hm

**kita** · 10-26-2010, 09:57 PM

Keep talking to her. I wouldn't make any hard choices until you HAVE to. But let her know the things she doesn't have a choice on:
You will not co-sign or "sponser" a loan. Loans for college are hers.
If she is attending school she will have free room and board at home.

Then when all the scholarship and financial aid and money from part-time jobs are in...then she can make a final choice.

I do think you need to stand firm on the "I won't take a loan out for your education" stance.

**Palooka** · 10-26-2010, 11:10 PM

I've been going through sorta this with my DD. I've already given her the lecture about loans, that I am not co-signing anything, I can't afford to pay, stay at home and go to the community college and work and pay as you go. She is going for nursing and is in an awesome program at school for it. She will come out as a CNA and will be working in the hospital next semester.

She will start at the CC and has already applied and then hopefully get accepted in nursing school to finish the rest.

I'm sure her dad will help her some and that is fine by me.

Mary, thanks for the info about FAFSA . That is something her teacher is talking about now, and I wasn't sure if I understood it.

**frugalfranny** · 10-27-2010, 02:28 AM

Originally Posted by happymommy

But she wants to board and meet lots new people.
I feel so bad. We just don't have that kind of money. She doesn't understand and just cries. Makes me feel like the biggest failure.

I don't have any more to add just wanted to say that you should NOT feel like a failure. Times have changed..........situations change. You have done a very good job getting her this far.........now it is up to her to get where she wants to be/do/go in the future.

Like another poster said......she will meet lots of new people even if she doesn't board.

Good luck...........hang in there.

**khaski** · 10-27-2010, 08:31 AM

If you can't afford it, you can't afford it, and it does NOT make you a 'failure'! You CAN afford to send her to school, it sounds like, just not the school -she- wants just to stay in a dorm. Pppphhhtttt to her with the crying....if she wants it so badly, maybe SHE can get a job and work to earn the $ to make up the difference if she MUST board. I know, I know, high school seniors don't get it, but she is LUCKY you can afford to send her anywhere! I'm sorry to sound so harsh, but in this economy, kids should be overjoyed their parents can send them -anywhere-!

Perhaps 2 years at community college, live at home, save to 'board' for her last 2 years of college, then she can transfer? Not what she'll want to hear, but a compromise. DO NOT cosign on anything...not worth debt just to 'board'.