A crossroads I could use some help deciding this one.

**Preston** · 02-15-2011, 03:11 PM

We're debt free.

We have a newborn.

that is the basis of where we are at.

We have approximately eight weeks left of maternity leave to work with before my wife goes back to work. We have been working together 3rd shift at a local casino. I really do it for the paycheck. I come from a family background where there are a lot of addictions and it gets to me sometimes because I know the effect addictions could have on a family. there is no flexibility regarding scheduling and finding a 3rd shift sitter has proven to be nearly impossible with the hours we work. More than likely I will be quitting. I work every holiday.

I just received a job offer that would pay slightly less but it would involve travelling almost nonstop from mid-august to early december. and mid january to the end of april. During December and the summer I would have no income but I would be at home with our son to take care of him. there would be days during the 'road months' i would be home as well and also we have some more flexibility regarding when i would be out on the road and can plan more in advance for childcare when my wife works overnight. I would be off ALL holidays. the biggest catch is that it IS basically my dream job and i used to do it years ago but had to give it up due to some bad decisions I made.

It would be nice to go back but then if something happens with my son I might not be there. I might miss first words, first steps, etc. Just wondering if I should pass up this offer and look for something else. More than likely I will be quitting my job when wife goes back to work.

Feedback appreciated.

**Greebo** · 02-15-2011, 04:22 PM

You can't be sure you'll be there for "firsts" regardless. The question is - is the road work the kind of work that you WANT to be doing?

**Telephus44** · 02-15-2011, 04:29 PM

Originally Posted by Preston

the biggest catch is that it IS basically my dream job and i used to do it years ago but had to give it up due to some bad decisions I made.

I'd want more clarification on this - if it's your dream job, then why is that a catch? Having to give it up due to bad decisions - is that "I got into tons of debt and needed to get something that pays better" or is there a deeper issue there, like I spent so much time on the road that my marraige was starting to disintegrate?

**Preston** · 02-15-2011, 04:41 PM

Originally Posted by Telephus44

I'd want more clarification on this - if it's your dream job, then why is that a catch? Having to give it up due to bad decisions - is that "I got into tons of debt and needed to get something that pays better" or is there a deeper issue there, like I spent so much time on the road that my marraige was starting to disintegrate?

the company started having financial difficulties paying me first off. i later found out that they had an accountant embezzling money out so this should not be a problem again.

i also developed a gambling issue. With the kid now I do not even think about taking the risk.

my wife got sick and was rush the the ER and when my contract came up for renewal I passed to make sure she would be okay. Took a local job.

I was also in way too much debt at the time and made it worse by getting married and paying for the wedding and buying a stupid timeshare. And doing it on credit.

this time i would cash flow things and not go into debt no matter what.

**Imarachne** · 02-15-2011, 06:54 PM

Go slow at first whatever decision you make and you can always speed up if necessary. Lose the bad stuff tho' !!

**Jamauk** · 02-15-2011, 07:46 PM

My husband is an airline pilot. He travels all the time. We have two boys ages 8 & 5.

Would you be gone nonstop for those months or would you be coming and going? How does your wife feel about being a "single" parent for so much of the time?

Yes, you will miss things ~ my husband does as well. BUT, when he's not on a trip, he is 100% ours. He's not answering emails, on conference calls, preparing for presentations, etc....When he's gone he belongs to the airlines, when he's home be belongs to us.

If he worked a 9-5 job, he'd still miss a lot of things. Would he be home in time to see the soccer game? Would he have to leave before the kids got up in the morning? It's a trade off. I don't get to sleep next to my husband every night, but I also don't have to kiss him goodbye every single morning.

I don't know the details of what your travel schedule would look like. I can only speak about my experience, but it sounds like I'm living a life very similiar to what you are thinking about (except I'm a SAHM) so I'd be happy to answer any questions you may have about our experiences.

Good Luck with your decision. It sounds like you've got a good head on your shoulders and I'm sure you'll do what's best for your family.

**a.nonymous** · 02-15-2011, 07:54 PM

Will your dream job lead you to always being on the road?

We don't want kids; we both helped raise plenty of younger siblings so we actually know (too) well how much work is involved in that procedure to make us yearn for kids.

But if it did happen and we had kids, I personally would not want to be on the road for extended periods of time.
having said that, even with a 9-5 you still will miss loads of "firsts" but be aware that there are hundreds of firsts.

It just depends on how important it is for you to catch as many as possible of them.

**Momto5RN** · 02-15-2011, 09:14 PM

i am of the belief that when you become a parent you sacrifice/ alter some of your own dreams for a few years .

you dont know for sure you will never have a chance at that type of job again in your future , you can be sure your child will never have those firsts again.

if it was because one had no other job choices available and it was that or eat - or if one had joined the arm forces- well in those circumstances it has to be done but ask those who have gone thru such things- its not as easy time for the children.

**Momto5RN** · 02-15-2011, 09:25 PM

wait - your doing this wont allow your wife to be a FT SAHM?

so what is in it for her ?? She is alone raising an infant- working 3rd shift too ??

If my husband came to me with such a suggestion i would think he had lost it.

Yes my husband has a dream of owning his own company for the type of work he does now and maybe one day he will, but that has to wait until all 5 kids are grown - they come first - no part of them gets put into the risky craziness that his dream would entail for a few years . The day he choose to start a family ( and we would have had more than 5 if i let him have his way - he is one of 8 ) he knew that they come first .

**madhen** · 02-15-2011, 09:27 PM

I guess I look at it more from a practical viewpoint than an emotional one. Yes, you will miss a lot of firsts, but honestly, your little boy isn't going to notice that you aren't there. He is all about getting fed and changed regularly right now, and if you pop in on occasion to say hey, he'll be just fine with that. Maybe when he's 18-24 months, you'll want to reassess, but a lot of people have jobs that require them to be away, and their kids still manage to grow up healthy and loved and well-adjusted. Just don't make the mistakes you made in the past (and since you are already married, no worries about paying for a wedding on credit, unless you REALLY screw up). And make sure your wife is okay with it. And that, when you ARE home, you make up for all the times SHE had to take care of everything.

Seldom do we get a chance to something we love and get paid for it; second chances are even more rare.

**jas** · 02-16-2011, 09:33 AM

How does your wife feel about her being a single mom during those times you are gone on the road? How is it going to be easier for her to find child care for 3rd shift alone?

Sounds like your wife is going to be on the way short end of the stick in this situation. Money is not everything. If she was a sahm it would be a bit different, but she will be dealing with everything on her own and working too. That is a lot to ask with a newborn and working 3rd shift too.

**McD** · 02-16-2011, 10:16 AM

What is your wife's thoughts on all of this? Does she have a strong support system to help her out when you are gone?

I'm coming from the perspective of the parent that has been there through it all while the husband was gone: IT SUCKS.

My husband deployed to Iraq when our son was very young and when he got home a year later, he was home for 3 months before going to the police academy. After the police academy, he did a brief stint on 3rd shift and has been on 2nds ever since. He is sleeping when we wake up and leave for the day. He's gone when we get home. He very rarely gets to come home for dinner and we are sleeping when he gets home.

I take care of everything around the house in addition to our children. He misses quite a bit with our children and it has impacted him, as well as the kids. It's a big decision and it's one that you and your wife should not enter into lightly.

Best of luck to you.

**Telephus44** · 02-16-2011, 01:29 PM

Originally Posted by Preston

i also developed a gambling issue. With the kid now I do not even think about taking the risk.

I actually half wondered if it was something like this because of your original post containing the paragraph about addictions.

Bearing in mind that I have no personal experience with this (so I may be totally off base) I wouldn't do it. Having a newborn around can be stressful, and I would be worried if the temptation to "escape" were there. My marriage went through a really rough adjustment period, although we made it through, and if I had know then what I know now - well, I'd make sure that temptation wasn't that accessible.

Again, I don't have personal experience with this so if I'm wrong, feel free to disregard.

**MomToTwoBoys** · 02-17-2011, 12:35 PM

No matter what job you work, you're going to miss out on firsts anyways.

If you go on the road, there's no way that your wife can work 3rd shift anyways unless you do find a sitter who will work those hours. She'll more than likely have to give up that shift job and find something that's more kid-friendly.

My DH works full time and he hated having to be gone for the whole week or sometimes two weeks at a time. We did it, though, and it's easier when the kids are grown up a bit more. I was a single parent pretty much for the first four years of DS12's life and it was a struggle, but I did it anyways because it was for the best for him.

Unless you two make more than enough money for the three of you (and that means not having to cut back extremely or give up the things you enjoy the most), it sounds to me like you both need a job with normal working hours.

**Preston** · 02-17-2011, 03:36 PM

Thank you to everyone for your honest feedback. I'm leaning one way over the other and the more I think about it I'd better just pass on this. I had a good run, loved it, and I will always remember it but I think I have to be a grown up now.

More than likely, I will be quitting my job in about six weeks. And for a time I will become a SAHD for a few months. I need to take a break from working and start taking care of myself.

I didn't mention the health issues before that also caused me to quit. I have high blood pressure and after waking up yesterday dizzy and confused my reading was 185/122 and I realized I'd better keep myself in a safe environment. So I'll stay at home with our son for a time, and take care of myself and get myself into shape. My health has to come priority in this and I know how hard it is to eat healthy while travelling.

And this way it takes the load off my wife, who is fine being our sole income for a while.