What's the best way to teach a young adult (19y.o.)?

**Sumacaroni** · 10-11-2011, 09:27 AM

A little background: My son is 19, attending college, living at home, drives a paid-in-cash car, first job at 16, switched jobs last year (he was 18), got laid off this past July and has still not been called back to work. By about 6 weeks of layoff, I started getting nervous and encouraged him to start looking for a different job or, at the very least, go work for his grandfather who was offering to pay him in cash to help on his farm and with upkeep of his 20 rental units. After much nagging, he is finally now working for his grandfather and he loves it because it's fairly autonomous - gives him a list, calls him with any changes, and off he goes to do the chores that need doing. I still think he should look for another job or an internship to gain experience and references that he will need when completing his degree, but that's probably another subject..... At least for now he has cash to pay for his own car's gas.

Anyway, I am thinking I have failed miserably at teaching him the basics of budgeting. Probably because, up until the beginning of this year, I myself have not really been that great at it. But thanks to this forum, I am "getting" it and we're on the right track.

I think he operates on the "if it's in my pocket, I can spend it" method of budgeting

Problem with this methodology is he already racked up $5000 in student loans - some he has paid in cash (only because he had the money and failed to fill out his loan paperwork on time to avoid doing so). Thing is, he really didn't need to take loans (IMO) because he was making a good wage and could have afforded to just spend less and pay-as-he-goes. And he goes out to restaurants and mini-marts to grab something to eat FAAAARR too often and he's buying things he really doesn't need for his car (a souped up muffler, window tinting, etc.) so it seems to me that he definitely could have gone without taking a loan.

Anyone have any luck with the envelope method in teaching their kids or are there other ways someone has tried that works in the case of approaching this touchy subject - and I say it is touchy because it IS his money, he's an adult, so it's not like a 14 year old where I can say, hey! put 1/2 in the bank and they have to have me there to withdraw.

And, for the record, my husband is TERRIBLE at budgeting and really doesn't feel the need for this young man to get any other job than working for his grandfather (hubby's dad). My mister has no grasp on the fact that our son WILL NEED to have some experience in his field (internships, customer service, something, anything) that will relate to jobs he will apply for when he graduates. The mister is stuck on the idea that once you have a degree, it should be easy to get a job EEEK! Talk about living in the past with no grasp on reality of this crappy job market for new graduates. I mean, he actually thinks "I don't have a degree, I am doing just fine." That may have been okay 25 years ago but

that is just not the case for young adults these days.

What's the best way to approach this subject? What are some methods that may work to teach him budgeting? How will I get the best buy-in for helping him?

**nodmicks** · 10-11-2011, 09:45 AM

I have 0 advice for you as we struggle with our 18 year old. Ever since his first job $ has burned a hole in his pocket. He has went through two stretches of not caring if he works or not. He just started a FT job this week about 5 weeks after his summer job fizzled out. If I had not nagged him to death and said get in the car to fill out apps or move out I dont think he would have to be honest.

When his fuel efficient car croaked we let him borrow one for work while he saved ( yes we forced this). Instead of using common sense he bought a 20 year old suv that gets 10mpg. Anywhere to work is 17-30 miles! He is thrilled he can ride share with his parents all but 1 day a week because of course he is now discovering that cool truck is a gas hog.
Our DS also ate out constantly when he has $. His GF doesnt work (student) and he ends up paying fir everything like 2 meals out a day).

He needs new tires desperately before the snow. He gets his first check the end of this month to put tires on. He gets paid every 2 weeks. We have told him he will give us $105 twice a month (210 month) from there on out with no excuses or he will move out!

The break down is $100 rent (which we will save for him when he moves out or goes to school), $50 for truck repair fund. and $60 for his insurance monthly ). We also said from here on out if he isn't in school he will be working 30 + hours a week or move out unless it is through no fault of his own (layoff not goof off!)

Sadly we can not make them do it. However as parents we can refuse to support bad decisions and bail them out. Does your ds live at home? If so he should be paying some rent. I dont want to keep a dime of my sons rent but someone much wiser than me told me I just best get him used to paying bills! You could save it for him.

I dont think your budgeting style has much to do with it honestly. our son has watched us get out of debt and budget budget budget since he was little. So dont beat yourself up for what you did or didnt do. You in no way failed. However, I know just how you feel with that statement as dh and I have repeatedly asked where we went wrong.

**Sumacaroni** · 10-11-2011, 10:09 AM

Yes, he is *supposed* to be paying us $20/week for his car insurance. He does do his own maintenance (tires, oil, etc.) for his car. Since he was not working since July, he house-sat the animals while we went on vacation without him then he helped roof our house and got to skip both August and September's $80 payments to us. But now..... he DOES owe us $80 for October and it's almost half over.

**nodmicks** · 10-11-2011, 10:16 AM

Originally Posted by Sumacaroni

Yes, he is *supposed* to be paying us $20/week for his car insurance. He does do his own maintenance (tires, oil, etc.) for his car. Since he was not working since July, he house-sat the animals while we went on vacation without him then he helped roof our house and got to skip both August and September's $80 payments to us. But now..... he DOES owe us $80 for October and it's almost half over.

Does he get paid weekly or by the job? I think I would be standing with my hand out. To be honest I feel like a big jerk but if we dont teach them I figure it will be my fault if I end up with a 40 year old living in my basement.

In Sept when our 6 month car ins bill was due ds hadn't paid up. I told him I was taking him off. It was $150 cheaper to stay on ours than have his own so he better decide. It wiped out his whole 2 week paycheck. I decided after that he needed to pay monthly so I can save it for the 6 month premium. . He is behind the $60 for Oct since he wasn't working and just got a job. He gets paid on Halloween and it best be in my hand. I would have been far more lenient with a kid who didnt spend every dime foolishly. It seems to me my son wants all the privilege of being adult with none of the responsibility. That just can't fly.

Being a parent I find is no less worrying once they are adults. Hang in there. What is your ds in school for if it isn't too nosy? I was disappointed my son decided not to go right before it started in Aug.

**Sumacaroni** · 10-11-2011, 10:40 AM

I am not 100% positive, but I think he gets paid weekly from his grandfather now. And I do not know what day he's paid but I am telling him Fridays are MY payday and $20 is not too much to ask! The amount is going to go up in January when he will have to start paying for his cell phone that's on our plan, too. That's another $20/month so he'll have to figure $25 per week. He looked into getting his own cell phone plan - that was a joke! he quickly found out it's so much less expensive to just stay on ours and it's just TOO BAD that we do not have a data plan, suck-it-up-buttercup

I already pay $56/month for the internet he uses to get online at home every day, I'm not getting a phone data plan for another $50/month, it's completely unnecessary.

I hear ya, nodmicks! I am sick of watching him blow all his money and I've talked with him about making sure he has enough in the bank to pay all the loans when he's finished with his Marketing associate's degree next December 2012. It's only a 2-year degree but it will take him 2-1/2 years to complete at the pace he's going. But I am absolutely certain he has not been saving for when that loan comes due six months after graduation.

And, yes, it is frustrating watching him become an adult but shirking the responsibility - I know it's Mom he's paying but that is because it's cheaper for HIM. Heck, if I cut him loose for insurance, cell phone, and block him off my internet..... I bet he'd start looking for a second job fairly quickly!! Geez, if he was frugal - he'd start eating off my grocery bill, too, but clearly he has enough $$ to go out to eat whenever he wants. It's just disappointing to see him operating this way.

**Greebo** · 10-11-2011, 10:46 AM

Originally Posted by Sumacaroni

Yes, he is *supposed* to be paying us $20/week for his car insurance. He does do his own maintenance (tires, oil, etc.) for his car. Since he was not working since July, he house-sat the animals while we went on vacation without him then he helped roof our house and got to skip both August and September's $80 payments to us. But now..... he DOES owe us $80 for October and it's almost half over.

Supposed to - but not - and you're paying his insurance for him?

So basically HE has no problem because you've taken it from him and made it your own.

Stop paying for stuff he's supposed to - let him experience some consequences.

Don't let him grow up to be a Greebo

**nodmicks** · 10-11-2011, 10:55 AM

Oh boy do I understand! Both my boys wanted internet with data. They both buy the $45 unlimited straight talk monthly. Not that you want him to spend $20 more but it is an option if he isnt under contract on your plan.

I hope he is saving for paying those loans. However if he isn't he will sure learn fast how to make payments I guess.

Oh do I understand about eating at home! We just had a conversation with ds yesterday about bringing lunch to his new job. He is flat broke besides about $10 in change ( that I gave him ) until he gets paid. Of course he didnt pack a lunch but used the vending machines yesterday. I asked him if his remaining $6 was going to last him until Halloween. He seriously would be up a creek if he couldnt get a ride with his dad the 30 miles to work. The gas in his truck has to get him there 2 Sundays until he gets paid. If he goes running and burns it up we are standing by our guns of giving him no $ and he can figure it out. It might kill us to watch though.

Good for you sticking to your guns!!! Give me a baby or toddler any day. Teens are tough!

**Sumacaroni** · 10-11-2011, 11:09 AM

Originally Posted by Greebo

Supposed to - but not - and you're paying his insurance for him?

So basically HE has no problem because you've taken it from him and made it your own.

Stop paying for stuff he's supposed to - let him experience some consequences.

Don't let him grow up to be a Greebo

Yeah without him working, we made him do a week of house-sitting for free and he had to skip our vacation (so we didn't have to pay for kenneling the animals or pay the neighbor kid to let dog out and feed all of them). Then he was also required to be around to help with roofing for three weekends and he really did bust his butt for 9 long and hot days. So that got him out of August and September's payments to us, we called it even.

But for October, he needs to pay up since he's now been paid by his grandfather. If I figure it right, he's working 3 days, 8 hours each so I think he's made $200-250 each week.

**dancemommy** · 10-11-2011, 12:28 PM

I would charge him rent (room and board) and put it into a savings account. It does not have to be a huge amount, but enough that it hurts a little bit. I would also make sure he is paying all of his expenses - car insurance, cell phone bill, etc. I wouldn't let him know you are saving the money he is paying you toward rent. Just stockpile it for now- there may be a time, such as after graduation, when he is desperate for money and you can give him his own money back or he could use to pay down those loans. It might make him manage his money better when he has more set expenses. As for getting a job with experience- I swear connections are what help you get jobs in this world the bulk of the time. I think it is great to work for grandpa and doing something he likes, but if he chooses that route rather than working for someone else I would maybe encourage him to get involved in some other activities besides just work that are inside his major area- volunteer work, clubs, etc. Good luck. Our oldest is a junior in high school so I'm not too far behind you and cannot believe how fast it is all going by!!

**Momto5RN** · 10-13-2011, 08:36 PM

my 20 yo moved out
my problem solved lol

she works PT goes to college PT we do pay for car insurance because to put the car in her name and have her pay NJ car insurance its so high she would have to move back ( noooo) and as long as she is in school we will pay it . thats how we did it with her older brother too

she was in that phase of her live where everyone was my fault everyone was in her way - and we were just holding her back -

my water bill went down at least 25 a month- cant wait for my next heat and electric budget payment to be figured out .
my house is cleaner and i can use my bathroom just about whenever i want lol

hard part though is that as a waitress she can grab an extra weekend night shift and get a good amt of money quickly before she needs it if she didnt budget well - while most people need to wait until next pay day even if they work extra .... so its not 100% reality for her but its a start .

**Trishagirl** · 10-13-2011, 09:32 PM

We charge my 22 yr old son room & board mthly so he learns to be responsible adult. He has a job & his car he bought & pd cash for and pays his own gas & insurance. He pays us $200 monthly rm & board I feed him and wash his clothes, so he's getting a great deal the way I see it. Plus he has dishnetwork in his room so he should pay us something!!!!

**Momto5RN** · 10-14-2011, 11:34 PM

my 23 yo still is at home even though the 20 yo moved out .
he is paying back student loans- is rather frugal with his money while still being able to socialize with friends - pays his own cell - pays his own insurance ( although both are in our name as its cheaper - he pays us monthly for them )

he does his own laundry - cooks for himself if i didnt cook that night - he basically comes and goes as he pleases but in a respectful way ( ie he tells us where he is going and if he is sleeping out etc - which 20 yo would get mad if we even asked )

we dont charge him rent because i feel bad we couldnt help more with college but i was too sick with my fibro when he started college to even work . He is paying off his loans faster then asked . ( he has a FT job in the field he has his degree in ) now if he started taking trips every other month and blowing money eating out alot buying electronic " toys " etc rather than focusing on his loans i would probably start asking rent