I just need accountability...

[Luv2BeFrugal]

I need to somehow make myself accountable for spending and activities. Here goes...

Today was definitely not a no-spend or no-drive day. I needed to find some swimsuits and a pair of sandals for our trip to Hawaii (more on this shortly). I found four tankini tops (will return 2 - wanted Dh's opinion) and a pair of sandals...all on clearance. I did a return while I was out and also stopped at the thrift store and donated a couple bags of items (receiving a $3 off the next $10 I spent there, coupon). I spent $2.03 on magazines while there (a bit of frugal entertainment).

Dh had a friend over for gaming (tabletop strategy games). He went and picked him up and then took him home afterward. The friend brought the beer. I had potatoes, dried onion, and dried great northern beans on hand, so made a big pot of soup. Worked out great as we're having some nasty, wet, chilly weather here and that suited the bill. We each had a bowl for lunch and then again for dinner...and there's enough leftover for Dh and I to have it for another meal.

Anyway, back to the swimsuits and Hawaii. The tickets and lodging are already paid for (non-refundable)...still need to pay for the rental car, etc. This was all booked/planned/paid for in February.

Things have *not* been going well financially. Not horrid...just not how we were planning. My mom passed away unexpectedly month before last and we've had expenses from that (and still have some more coming up). I ended up withdrawing from the semester to help with settling my mom's estate and caring for my dad (he's 80)...we're trying to get tuition back from the college (filed for hardship) on that (fingers crossed). I partially withdrew from a couple semesters not terribly long ago (again, parent illness/care --- cancer; heart attack/major surgery), so this makes me no longer eligible for student aid (yes, I've checked it out thoroughly - they don't care about my reasons - I don't meet the 75% completion rate required for aid; tried petitioning and everything; would have gotten grants). So, we'll need $$$ for tuition and the rest of my books in mid January. Family comes first - I did what I felt was right...somehow we'll work things out.

Anyway, my mom was going to pay for the rest of my college - thus, my not worrying about the financial aid situation. My dad, yeah, not so generous. And she didn't line it out in the will, so I'm kinda screwed. I have 3 more years of school (undergrad) before I get my BBA.

So, no college help from mom (huge loss) and lost mom (horrid loss), plus expenses from that. Wow, how things can take a turn for the worse!

I've gotten a part-time (very part-time) job that will bring in about $250/month after taxes. This should cover a good chunk of my tuition needs.

At this point I feel bad spending any more money on a trip, but there's no backing out now (we're traveling with friends and nothing is refundable). So, I'm working on ways to still have loads of fun and not spend a small fortune...

[Luv2BeFrugal]

So far, I picked up (with a coupon) half size snack baggies, so I can carry small snacks with me wherever we go. I'm hypoglycemic and always have some sort of protien with me. This way I won't pay outrageous prices for a bag of nuts...or for more food than I actually need at that point in time. Will definitely be packing snacks for the plane, too!

The friends we're traveling with have agreed that we'll go to Costco (yes, there's a Costco in Hawaii!) and get food for most of our meals there to save $$ - we'll be in a condo with a kitchen for a full week. Simple, healthful, easy foods.

[jacqueline]

geesh sounds like your life has been a whirlwind here lately. seems to me you are doing what you can with what you have. kudos to you keeping your head together esp with the death of your mother (im so sorry).
i love that your friends are into going to costco and cooking at the condo. im sure those will be wonderful meals to remember instead of sitting in a restaurant waiting for food and possibly getting something you don't like and paying outrageous prices. you certainly deserve a vacation and some relaxation. i hope you have a wonderful time

[Spirit Deer]

Check and make sure what food items you're allowed to bring in to Hawaii. You should be able to find that info on their official tourism website. You may be better off to wait and buy things there if they're going to be confiscated at arrival.

I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your mom. That's a tough situation.

You're already committed to this vacation, so IMO don't skimp on it any more than you have to. I'm sure it's expensive and I'm sure it's not something you'll do often, if ever again. Get the most out of it you can. The way I see it, the two biggest expenses you can control while there are your costs for food and your cost for souvenirs. IMO, don't waste money bringing souvenirs back for other people, unless it's an item you know will be meaningful for someone else. Limit your own souvenir spending and think about the things that will have meaning for you later on. Everything you look at, think about whether or not you'll want to dust it, care for it, display it, if you have room for it, if you really want to spend that money, etc. We've reached the point where we usually buy a pin and/or a patch from the places we visit. Sometimes we buy a tee shirt or sweatshirt for each of us but that's less with each trip, and try to find a place that sells them at a discount. (Check online ahead of time if you can find a place.) That's usually about it, since we own enough geegaws already. If a thrift store is handy, we might stop there in search of souvenirs. Also, our pictures are souvenirs and with digital cameras now, thousands of them can be had for just a few bucks, and yet they're priceless. (Pack extra cards for your cameras. You don't want to have to buy them in a tourist trap. Don't ask how I know.) Don't forget postcards. They're inexpensive and can be sent easily to friends and relatives back home in lieu of more expensive items. If you plan to do that, buy the stamps before you leave home and bring along any addresses you may need, so it's convenient to mail them. Postcards can make a nice, inexpensive souvenir for yourself, too. Buy a selection of them and when you get home, put them in inexpensive picture frames to make a nice collage on a wall. They will bring back memories of your trip every time you look at them, and won't break the bank to make that happen.

Make a menu ahead of time and plan to buy groceries at Costco for your whole stay at one time. If your dietary requirements allow it, buy the fixings for sandwiches and buy things like yogurt cups, fruit cups, and other single-serve items, along with some plastic flatware and paper plates. Be sure you have some way to pack a lunch to take with you when you're not at the condo. Styro coolers are cheap and can keep a lunch cold. It might not be the healthiest meals and it might not be the cheapest way to buy groceries, but if you can make do, it should save you some big bucks on meals and limit the restaurant meals you have to pay for. Be sure to sample any interesting local cuisine though.

Research ahead of time and see if there are any free/cheap but interesting sights to see, such as parks or gardens or natural wonders.

When you're driving around, don't think about the cost of the gas or mileage on the rental car. We drove over a thousand miles within the park when we were in Yellowstone last year, just driving around to see the things we wanted to see. We don't regret one mile or one dime of it. After all, we did not go all that way just to sit around our camper. It would have been a waste not to spend the money after incurring the cost of the trip to get there.

Make a plan ahead of time. Look over your itinerary and do any online research you can so you know where you'll be and when. That will help with meal planning and other things. Then try to stick to your plan while you're there, while still remaining flexible. If you have a plan, it's easier to resist temptations once you're on vacation and your brain checks out. (I live in a tourist town and see it all the time!)

Good luck and don't forget to enjoy yourselves! The money will work out eventually.

[Luv2BeFrugal]

Thanks for the input!

I'll detail the trip a little more, too...

Fly into Honolulu...2 nights there (hotel already paid for). Still need taxi from airport to hotel and back (we found the best deal on a service that's *like* a taxi, in that you are taken straight to your hotel, but that's the price of a shuttle). We're going to take a trolley around Honolulu one of the days and will pre-pay for that online, too (cheaper). China town is one of the things I'm looking forward to the most there - free to walk around and see. We're planning a 1/2 day at the Pearl Harbor memorials...can't remember what that costs, but it wasn't outrageous. Most of what we'll do is just walk/trolley around sight-seeing.

Then, a week in Kauai. The condo even has free laundry, so we're planning to pack lightly. Although, we get 2 free checked bags each on Alaska Airlines (deal for Alaskans).

Souvenirs... I'm not much of a "stuff" collector. I probably fall very close to a 'minimalist' category, but not quite in it. I love postcards and will definitely send some while there! I make up a sheet of address labels with the names/addy's of people I want to send to...so I don't spend hours addressing things. Yeppers, will bring stamps, too! I like to get a t-shirt or two (I wear them out and smile each time I put 'em on). And a fridge magnet.

There's a Costco there on Kauai, so we'll buy things there for the most part. And there are farmer's markets daily, so we'd like to get some of the fresh fruit there. It should be delicious!! Good idea on the plastic silverware! We will want to do picnics on the beach! I have quite a bit here...I'll just bring it along.

We're planning quite a few free things...several "beach days", visiting in the farmer's market's is free, a night of star-gazing (a fav of Dh and me), free hula demonstrations, etc. We do want to go to a luau...found the best review/best price on one...still need to book it.

And then, the rental car while in Kauai - ouch. Still need to book that. We're splitting the cost with our friends, so that helps. Most of the parks and reserves there charge a lot to get in, so not sure how much of that we'll do. We'll be using our car insurance (and only Dh & I will drive), so won't take the added expense there.

Yeah, we definitely want to enjoy this trip! We've been talking with our friends...dreaming of a trip together for years now. And I could definitely use the de-stress time!!! Mom was soooooo excited we were finally getting to go. I just wish I was going to get to send her pictures and postcards.

[Spirit Deer]

She'll still be smiling about your trip and enjoying it with you.

It sounds to me like you have things pretty well under control.

[Luv2BeFrugal]

Oh, the other "erf" is that we may end up needing to move (in town) this summer. We have a really cheap rent deal (for here) right now, so that would be another big 'ouch' to our budget.

We've decided to go ahead and use up our stockpiles in case the move does happen...food stuffs, tp, toiletries. Quite a few things we have a pretty ample amount of and it'll take months...other things it'll be more like a month or two before needing more. So, I'll be incorporating that into here, too.

Aaaaannnnd... We've 'reunited' (for lack of a better term) with Dh's big family. Which means Christmas and birthday presents added to our shopping list from now on. It's a long story, but it's been a really positive thing... Only, more $$ right now kinda sucks. Most of them are very well off, so it's hard to even come up with a "make do" version of their level of "regular".

And, we haven't done Christmas presents with my parents for years...but, for some reason my dad is asking what we want for Christmas?? He's a very "keep it equal" person, so will definitely expect something in return. I don't have the heart to say no right now...he's hurting so bad...missing mom. Ideas for him? He has EVERYTHING and then some... Makes him very hard to shop for!!

[Spirit Deer]

Does he cook? If not, maybe some frozen OAMC meals. Those are a big hit with my mom and her bachelor friend that we share Christmas with. It also helps ensure he gets a good meal with little effort. If not meals, what about stuff like cookies and snacks that your mom used to make? He might appreciate getting something like that if he does not make things for himself. Did your mom make special treats for Christmas? Maybe you could make some of those things for him.

A gift certificate for housecleaning or laundry or mending or other chores might be helpful for him, especially if he's not used to doing those things for himself. That would only cost you time.

Does he have hobbies you could get him some supplies for?

Does he enjoy wildlife like feeding birds or other critters? If so, maybe Google some wildlife recipes and see if you could make some special suet mix or something for his feathered friends. Or if you're handy, maybe make a special feeder or birdhouse he can enjoy all year, or till the bears destroy it, whichever comes first.

Does he have a pet? If not, maybe see if he'd like a cat. Easy to care for and excellent company. Talk to him before doing anything, of course. A cat helps fill up a house that's suddenly too empty. If he's interested, check out your local shelters. Ours are full to bursting with the economy right now, and they're offering all kinds of deals. Some shelters also offer discounted fees to seniors. If your dad is a senior, that could be a real bargain. Shelter pets usually have most of their shots and are either already neutered or come with a discount certificate for the neutering, all included in the fee. It's usually an amazing deal vs. getting a 'free' kitten and starting from scratch.

Is there a low-cost outing he might enjoy, that you could give him a certificate for? My mom likes it when we take her for a drive to Lake Superior and go out for lunch. It's not so much the destination as just spending time with us and having our undivided attention. All it costs us is gas and a picnic lunch. She even enjoys just the picnic lunch at a local park. Again, it's just the idea of spending time with us.

Or you could just take the same approach he is and ask him outright what he'd like. My guess is he isn't as interested in presents as he is in not being alone on Christmas, whether he'll admit it or even realize it. Whatever you do, make sure he's not sitting by himself on Christmas or Christmas Eve. This is going to be a tough one for him, and he needs the distraction of having others around. Is it possible to include him with your IL's gatherings? I realize it might not work, but if it's possible, think about it. Of course if you have siblings, you can discuss with them how to make sure your dad isn't alone.

Be grateful your dad has everything he needs. My mom is the same way. I don't know what we'd do if we had to shoulder her bills on top of our own. It would get ugly fast. But it does make them hard to buy for. For us that's why it usually works out better not to buy more stuff, but to do things for her instead, particularly since she can't do a lot of things for herself anymore.

Good luck. My heart goes out to you and your family. Losses like this are tough any time, but it seems worse during the holidays.

[Libby]

I think you're on the right track by planning on eating healthily and where you're going to be buying food. Have you checked with your hotel/resort if there's a shuttle you can hop onto that they offer but don't advertise?

Life has dealt you an awful lot to deal with....by the time you go on your trips, things will have been settled and calmed down. Well deserved vacation

[my4littlebuffaloes]

Well it sounds like you certainly need a vacation, so sorry about your mom. Why don't you pack some food with you in your luggage? obviously not too much because of the checked baggage fees and stuff, but if you can fit some things in then do it. Good luck with everything! Is there anyway you can explain to dh's family what a hard spot you are in this year and ask for a reprieve on the gifts?

[Luv2BeFrugal]

Does he cook? If not, maybe some frozen OAMC meals. Those are a big hit with my mom and her bachelor friend that we share Christmas with. It also helps ensure he gets a good meal with little effort. If not meals, what about stuff like cookies and snacks that your mom used to make? He might appreciate getting something like that if he does not make things for himself. Did your mom make special treats for Christmas? Maybe you could make some of those things for him.

A gift certificate for housecleaning or laundry or mending or other chores might be helpful for him, especially if he's not used to doing those things for himself. That would only cost you time.

Does he have hobbies you could get him some supplies for?

Does he enjoy wildlife like feeding birds or other critters? If so, maybe Google some wildlife recipes and see if you could make some special suet mix or something for his feathered friends. Or if you're handy, maybe make a special feeder or birdhouse he can enjoy all year, or till the bears destroy it, whichever comes first.

Does he have a pet? If not, maybe see if he'd like a cat. Easy to care for and excellent company. Talk to him before doing anything, of course. A cat helps fill up a house that's suddenly too empty. If he's interested, check out your local shelters. Ours are full to bursting with the economy right now, and they're offering all kinds of deals. Some shelters also offer discounted fees to seniors. If your dad is a senior, that could be a real bargain. Shelter pets usually have most of their shots and are either already neutered or come with a discount certificate for the neutering, all included in the fee. It's usually an amazing deal vs. getting a 'free' kitten and starting from scratch.

Is there a low-cost outing he might enjoy, that you could give him a certificate for? My mom likes it when we take her for a drive to Lake Superior and go out for lunch. It's not so much the destination as just spending time with us and having our undivided attention. All it costs us is gas and a picnic lunch. She even enjoys just the picnic lunch at a local park. Again, it's just the idea of spending time with us.

Or you could just take the same approach he is and ask him outright what he'd like. My guess is he isn't as interested in presents as he is in not being alone on Christmas, whether he'll admit it or even realize it. Whatever you do, make sure he's not sitting by himself on Christmas or Christmas Eve. This is going to be a tough one for him, and he needs the distraction of having others around. Is it possible to include him with your IL's gatherings? I realize it might not work, but if it's possible, think about it. Of course if you have siblings, you can discuss with them how to make sure your dad isn't alone.

Be grateful your dad has everything he needs. My mom is the same way. I don't know what we'd do if we had to shoulder her bills on top of our own. It would get ugly fast. But it does make them hard to buy for. For us that's why it usually works out better not to buy more stuff, but to do things for her instead, particularly since she can't do a lot of things for herself anymore.

Good luck. My heart goes out to you and your family. Losses like this are tough any time, but it seems worse during the holidays.

Hey, SpiritDeer...thanks so much for all your wonderful input! He actually does like to cook, though he's struggling to cook for one person. I've taken food to him a few times to work the nutrition angle - he likes to cook things that aren't exactly low cal/low fat, etc. Think "spam".

I make him oatmeal raisin cookies that he loves. I thought about those for Christmas...?? I just gave him a batch for his birthday, though.

He already expects me to do much of his house cleaning, laundry, and mending...so, I don't think certificates would really work. I don't know how I'm going to keep up with it all after school starts again in January (yet another concern on my horizon).

I'm very allergic to cats and do much of his cleaning and laundry. So, that's out. I have a dear love of breathing. hehe He keeps wanting a dog. His dog died in May...then mom in October. Poor guy. We're just concerned he'll dump a lot of the care on us...we're not animal people at all. I hope that doesn't sound selfish - we just already have SO much on us and mom ended up with a lot of the pet care before.

He does enjoy bird watching...but, he just bought enough bird food for his feeders to last all winter and then some. He did get a great deal on it, though!

He has too many hobbies...to the extent that he can't really focus to do any of them. It's kinda sad. He's got all the supplies he could use in 10-20 years of hobby-ing and then some! It's ridiculous in quantity.

The in-law gatherings are VERY packed and hectic...he wouldn't like it at all (he's just complain and ruin it for Dh & me - and possibly others there). I've tried arranging other things for him...like Thanksgiving. He agreed to go to family-friends for the holiday and then backed out at the last minute. I have no clue how to handle any of this.

My half-brother lives in CA...calls dad regularly (dad will hopefully go down there for a few months come January). My half-sister lives in town and is so self-absorbed and self-centered she hasn't even COME TO THE HOUSE to see him since mom died (these are HIS biological kids, for goodness sakes!). And, I'm not being mean about her; I'm just calling it like it is. Everyone knows the situation. It's sad, but true. I'm really ticked with her right now for pulling this kind of crap. I thought she'd at least be there for him in a horrid time. I don't know why...she wasn't there when he had his heart attack, major surgery, or a VERY rough (many months long) recovery. Realize they were both young adults when I was BORN...yes, she's in her 50's and acting like a spoiled child. She has managed to call him to cry on HIS shoulder over all the stresses in HER life... But, I digress.

Dad doesn't like to get out a lot unless it's to go out to eat at a sit-down restaurant. I've tried to get him to go to a hockey game with us (I can get free tickets). I tried taking him on errands with me once (that was a BIG mistake). I told him I'd need to hurry...so he drug his feet and it took me 3 hours instead of 1. No, I'm not kidding...and he enjoyed tormenting me. He teases me, thinking he's funny, and all it does is hurt my feelings or piss me off (depending on the situation). My Dh has tried to get him to knock it off (Dh says he's not funny, either), but dad just won't. It's entertaining to him to "kick the cat" (aka: me). It always has been.

A couple weeks ago I was sorting through some of my mom's personal things...he started "teasing" me as I was struggling to hold myself together. I ended up in absolute tears. Usually I can manage, but all this is just so totally wearing on me.

Don't get me wrong...I love my dad. He's been emotionally and mentally abusive to me since I was about 11 (he had some bad life events then and was never the same). I was getting counseling for his cruelness before mom passed away, but there hasn't been time or money since. I'm hoping to get back to it in January... Seriously...mean, mean, mean...I thought I was stupid and had zero value until I was nearly 20 because of all the things he said to me.

And, yes, you're so right!! I AM most definitely grateful that he has all he needs financially! He's done well in handling his resources. I'm proud of him...I wish he knew the joy of sharing with others, though...it's a wonderful part of life he's missed out on. He "measures" everything...can't just openly share. It makes me sad.

[Luv2BeFrugal]

Well it sounds like you certainly need a vacation, so sorry about your mom. Why don't you pack some food with you in your luggage? obviously not too much because of the checked baggage fees and stuff, but if you can fit some things in then do it. Good luck with everything! Is there anyway you can explain to dh's family what a hard spot you are in this year and ask for a reprieve on the gifts?

Yes, will bring some food. No checked bag fees... Alaskans get 2 checked bags free on Alaska Airlines.

It's our first Christmas 'back' with Dh's family. So, it's important we participate. It'll be like $30...not the end of the world. Just kinda "one more thing". KWIM?

I think you're on the right track by planning on eating healthily and where you're going to be buying food. Have you checked with your hotel/resort if there's a shuttle you can hop onto that they offer but don't advertise?

Life has dealt you an awful lot to deal with....by the time you go on your trips, things will have been settled and calmed down. Well deserved vacation

Nope, no shuttle at all for the hotel...I checked.

My goal is to have things handled before Christmas. I'm gonna sure have to do a LOT to get there, though. Then Christmas day, I work the 26th & 27th, and then we leave on the 28th! I cannot wait to GO!! It'll be a little 'escape' that's so very needed!!

[my4littlebuffaloes]

Ok, have you read the book Boundaries? I think you have supported your dad enough in this terrible time since your mom died and now you need to start looking after you. Sooo, start showing your dad how to do things, all the while telling him that come January when you start school you will not be able to do everything for him. You can pop in on your own terms and help him if/when you have time, but that you will not be able to take care of all of his things on top of yours.

It will be hard, but for your own mental health you need to distance yourself and take care of yourself - especially during such an emotional time. Family dynamics are always hard, aren't they? Good luck and I hope you can get him to start taking care of himself.

[Spirit Deer]

Lots going on with your dad's situation, I see. I'm sorry your relationship with him is not better. That just adds another layer of stress to an already-bad situation.

I agree, there needs to be boundaries. If he's intentionally hurtful to you, you can't allow it and are under no obligation to tolerate it. Tell him he's hurting you, and if he thinks it's amusing and continues, get up and leave.

It sounds like he has the money to hire a housekeeper or have someone do his laundry or whatever he needs done. Try to gently but firmly steer him onto that idea. My mom keeps hinting we should be doing things like that for her, too. But she's got hoarding tendencies and I know it would be WWIII if I had to go over and try to clean her house, so I won't do it and tell her bluntly to find someone else. I know exactly what would happen if I tried and I'm not about to put myself through it.

You don't have to play the equality game either. Tell your dad you can't afford a lavish Christmas. Give what you can afford or are willing to give him, and no more. If he feels it's not equal, that's his problem. Don't allow him to make you feel guilty about it.

Take care of yourself and focus on your vacation. You certainly need and deserve it!

[Luv2BeFrugal]

I know I'm going to have to tell him he needs to do his own work...and yes, he could afford to have a housekeeper come once a week. I talked to him about it once, but he said he could do it himself. The problem is, he won't. And it gets gross.

Mom did absolutely everything for him...he knows it...he was spoiled. I guess I'm just trying to make the transition easier for him. It's so hard to know what to do.

Like, my mom willed me (amongst other things) all her books and all her Alaskan art. It's almost all in his living room. He doesn't want anything changed. I'd like to sell some of it to pay for some of the things we're having to cover in regards to handling stuff for her. Heck, I'd like to have a little of it in our teeny home. He's finding comfort in having his surrounding the same, though. I don't have the heart to pull it all apart. Yet, it's supposed to be mine... And, if he kicks the bucket before I can get it out of there, it'll be a battle over that stuff with my siblings. I just wanna scream.