How in the world

[sanderson76]

does everyone get their DH's on board to be frugal. Here I am crunching numbers like a mad woman, not buying anything unless it is needed and making home cooked meals all the time. Even when I am sick or not feeling well, I still cook but DH still goes out to eat at least 2-3 times a week

Sometimes I feel like it is a losing battle when I can't get him on board to help out.

[AmyBoz]

How is he paying for his meals out? Cash? Credit card? If it's cash, where is he getting it?

[sanderson76]

Debit Card or Cash.
We have seperate Checking accounts, upon his wishes and only a joint savings. So, he will either go by the ATM and withdraw the money or use the debit card. I might not know it at the time he does do it, but it will eventually pull into the money program as I have both of our accounts pulled in.

[Telephus44]

I think that spousal conversion is extremely difficult - and I know there was an article in the TWG about how hard it was.

When I first moved in with DH, we kept most things (moneywise) separate. He was a spendthrift - he had credit cards that were almost maxed out, ate out when he felt like it, and he's a computer geek so as soon as the new LCD moniter or router or whatever else came out, he owned it.

Slowly, while watching me manage my money (I have student loan debts I'm paying down, I have had my Roth set up since I was 22, paid my car off early) he finally realized that money was something he'd have to pay attention to. He always accuses me of setting a good example for him. I think it also helped that I talked to him (e.g. "Hi Honey, how was your day?" "Great! I just made an extra $50 payment on my student loans!" etc. ) about my finances without nagging or asking about his fianaces. I would constantly tell him what my plans were for paying ahead on my car, or budgeting for my Roth contribution, or something like that - without saying "Wow, I can't believe you have 15,000 in CC debt! You make way more than I do! Why don't you pay it all off!"

There were two final elements before he came around to where he is now:
1. We finally got sick of renting and want to buy a house. Again, DH being a computer geek, he wants to do crazy wiring and stuff, no apartment that we've had would let us do.
2. He spent 10 months being unemployed with no unemployement check, selling stuff on eBay to keep up with his bills

I do want to also point out that when DH was growing up, his parents were very frugal (although that changed when he was a teenager). So I don't know if this is a true "conversion" or just reminding him to go back to his roots.

Actually, we just embarked this month on a new joint financial plan - I'm getting ready to post it about it now because I'm so excited!

[pammy]

I was thinking about your question today, and asked dh what it was that got him on board. For him it was the figures. I like putting things to paper, seeing things, figuring things. I did the reading and figuring and planning, things he didn't have time to do. Poor fella, he didn't have a clue what I had in store for him! lol Anyways, I would kinda mention to him things that I would read. Not in a bad way, just information that I would think was interesting about saving money. But for him, he said it was when I had it down on paper how it worked out to pay the debts off. I had it worked out in sections, like when this car payment is gone this is how long it will take for this next debt to be gone, then I showed him how you use those amounts on this next debt, and so on until I had down how long it would take to pay off the house. That's what sold him. It was a 'if we do this, this is what we get out of it'. This is the plan, this is the prize, kinda thing.

Also it helped that I take care of all the money. That is his choice, he doesn't want to have anything to do with it. That helps a lot. But there is one thing that we do that makes all of this easier, I think, for him. We both get allowances. We each get $40 every two weeks to spend as we choose. I can eat out with it if I choose to. Or not. Whatever we wish. Would that be something that could help? Say giving him a set amount for him to spend on his eating out, if maybe he understood that when it was gone it was gone until the next payday? Then it was time for food from home?

What if you were able to show him on paper how much it is costing him to eat out. Then show him how much he could save by taking a lunch from home instead, or eat at home instead. Use that savings amount and show him something like how long it would take to pay off something if yall could add that savings amount to the payments. It would be showing him what his small sacrifice would gain.

Here's another thing that has got my dh convinced. I showed him how long it would take, saving like we are, before we would be able to semi-retire. Another goal. I showed him that if we kept going like we are, this is how long it would take to pay off debts and be living debt free. This to start. Then, if we incurred no more debt, then it would take x amount of years of saving like we are to be able to live off what we earn in interest, retiring early. Incentive for him because his job is physically demanding. By doing this he knows he can retire at 55 and have enough money to live on comfortably. This is stuff he never thought about, and didn't have any numbers to back it up. I just found an online calculator that showed how compound interest worked, I put in what we are saving now, what the rate is, plugged in a year that I was aiming for and it showed what the earning interest would be. Living frugally like we are with no debts the amount it showed was reasonable. That excited him.

Here is how I feel like I'm contributing, I read and research and I let him in on only the good stuff. Give him these highlights ever so often and hopefully he will start to come around. In the mean time I think you are doing good, doing your part. You are showing by example until he comes around. I sure wish you the best as I can't imagine how hard this would be without a spouse's support. Good luck!!

[frugalfarmwife]

I've always been the "financial grownup" in our marriage and it can be tough. I took over hubbies bills from day one. I was raised in a family where dad spent faster than it came in and mom scrambled to keep the lights on (while dad bought new suits/shoes/ties, even an airplane!!) I didn't realize until the last few years how much I really DID learn from mom!

Hubbies family always blamed someone else for the hard times "not my fault I got laid off, the creditors should leave me alone" The WORST was hubbies mom! Her "poor boys" shouldn't be bugged for money by those nasty bill collectors, it's not their fault ARGHHHHHHHHHHH was that ever hard to BITE MY TONGUE!

We were doing great, owned our farm outright, both worked, money in the bank, no kids, BUT, our problem was that neither of us could say no to the other, that was the beginning of our downfall.

Bigger trucks, more horses and tractors etc, bigger trailer, just had to have it. Then, had to have that bigger farm didn't we? That brought along a mortgage, ugh, but I still handled it fine, we'll make it, right?

Ahhh, the land behind us went up for sale, I said NO! WORTHLESS LAND and NO MONEY, hubby literally whined for weeks before the auction, it got nasty. THEN HE REALLY DID IT! His "MOMMY" told him to call the banker and see what kind of loan we could get, I almost SHOT THAT WOMAN! She had NO RIGHT TO MEDDLE! Luckily the land went WAY out of our range (auction) and it was impossible for us to buy, it was worth maybe 40,000 and someone paid 160,000 for it! I'm SO GLAD FOR THAT! But it REALLY caused for some hot language between my MIL and I, she still thinks her son deserves everything he wants!

A year later the land in front of us was going into bankruptcy (great, here we go again, ughhhh!) At this time my father passed away and I knew that there was a possibility that I could buy the land with the inheritance. I discussed this LONG AND HARD WITH HUBBY, if we bought it the budget was down to NIL on fun and pocket money, thats IT! I did work it out and purchase the land, but my brother is STILL piddling around with the paperwork on my fathers will a year later so I have a large personal loan from my mother that is due when the will is finalized. Not a fun situation but in general we're handling it like adults most of the time, lol.

So for now we're managing day by day, knowing we're blessed to have a stocked pantry and freezer and praying that nothing else breaks down.

Even when mom is paid off it'll still be day to day and tight for the next few years, but the front 36 acres will be owned free and clear and the mortgage is only 1/3rd of the rest of the farm, this farm is our retirement investment, they don't make more land

So each situation is different, my hubby KNEW that buying the front land meant bye-bye to any extras, it was a sacrifice that he chose to make, he does still need reminded from time to time but not to often.

He now packs lunch EVERY day, takes coffee from home, uses a CC for gas purchases ONLY (that is paid off monthly) combines his trips and only gets $5 a week for pocket money, at the end of the week he gives me the change left over and gets another $5. We don't go out to eat, raise our own veggies and meat, use the library a lot, do a monthly grocery shop, etc.

For my part I'm at home full time running the farm, only go to town maybe once a week (if that) do all the budgeting, hang my laundry, turn down the thermostat, etc, etc, etc.

It ain't easy but it's what works for us.

KJ

[Jerseygirl]

For us it was the after our first year together, realizing our high income and low savings. Then the decision I made of being unable to live in the apartment anymore, I gave us 18 months to save $18,000 dollars for a down payment, we exceded that. From there it has been a matter of numbers and freedom. Seven years ago we had nothing but debt between us. Today we have have our home, 1/2 way to paid off, all the extras we truly want and the freedom associated with our savings of either of us having the option of taking time off to change jobs, stay home with kids etc. We truly realized what this meant to us and our relationship when we were on vacation in September and we looked at a $28,000 time share that he really wanted and my answer, instead of my nagging, yelling have you lost your mind speech that he used to hear was more like "If you really want to do this, we will, but that new car you thought you needed is now another year off" Relatiohnship wise it has saved, sanity wise it has saved me. Stopping all the little leaks has afforded us all the freedoms we need. Show him the freedom that debt free, high savings living and he might see that a little less take out and nonsense spending can quickly add up to real freedom. Good luck!!

[sanderson76]

Wow, thanks everyone for the great advice..I am going to use that. I did pick out 3 of the lowest bills and put that i wanted to get them paid off by the end of Dec. and we needed to pay such and such amount, however, I didn't do that on all of them.

He did say one time that he would agree to an allowance and he does get paid bi-weekly..so I might do that $40 allowance per pay period. I never use allowance and won't eat out..but I think that I am more determined than he is at this point, but hopefully it will change.

[AmyBoz]

Samantha, Why don't you take a $40 allowance for yourself anyway, and if you aren't going to use it frivolously, like he is, put it toward your EF?

[pammy]

I agree I use my $40 allowance to buy chance sale stuff, or gifts for upcoming events that I might chance upon. Hey, I can do what I want with it, right? Yesterday I used my money to buy a much smaller address book that I will be using for my price book. The price book will save me money so I was happy to fork over my spending money. Or use it to start stockpiling more. LOL I get my next allowance money today, as it's dh's payday. What I'm excited about is that there is a brand spanking new Walgreens whose grand opening is today (yay!!) and can't wait to see if I can find a bargain on something on my list. Surely they'd have some great deals on opening day.

[PrairieRose]

My dh was much like your's. I started reading and talking about being debt free about 11 yrs. ago. Gripey would look at me and his eyes would gloss over. I would do all the things that I could to save money, make our money stretch, get creative in the really-really lean times, etc.... . But one day I just had this epiphany..... . "Keep doing what you're doing and you'll keep getting what you're getting". After that I started going nuts doing the numbers on our debts, calculating how long it would take to pay off at ___ extra each month. It just seemed that we never had any extra. The day Gripey came home and told me that the company he sells for offered to pay him $300/mo. rent on warehouse space I said "YES!". He was thinking that would be $300 extra to play with but little did he know..... That was our jumping off point. I started with his pickup payment of $144/mo. (it was an older p.u. when we bought it) and had it paid off in about 3 months. I casually mentioned it. He said I didn't think we'd pay that for about 9 or 10 more months. I said yeah well that $300 extra made the difference. Then, I snowballed that amount and the p.u. payment onto a car payment.....and when I paid that off about a year early I mentioned that. He said, I thought you said that wouldn't be paid off until such and such. I said yeah well that extra $300 a month made the difference. A couple more bills down the road he says to me, I don't see HOW that $300/month makes THIS much difference. So I showed him. His first reaction was you're gonna get us in over our heads. Uuummm, as far as I can tell, we're there. This is helping us. A little later he comes to me again and asks to see the figures on when and how long it will take to pay everything off. He takes that paper and reads and reads and figures himself. Before long he says, I'm for it, let's do this. I said "ok" like I wasn't going to anyway...... He started asking me every so often where we were on things. He loved the updates and every paid off debt after that was a celebration....we'd go out to eat or drink a wine cooler as a toast..... but somehow we made notice of each one. We have one more left....it's our bus. real estate. When we pay that puppy off we're going on a family cruise. I can hardly wait. Stick with it, he'll eventually jump on board and even if he doesn't there's still lots you can do.

[sanderson76]

Originally posted by AmyBoz
Samantha, Why don't you take a $40 allowance for yourself anyway, and if you aren't going to use it frivolously, like he is, put it toward your EF?

I just talked to DH and he seemed ok with the $40...not over excited but ok. I told him it is his to do with as he pleases. He can use it towards eating out or whatever or he can choose to save it.
I will save mine.

[sanderson76]

Thanks Lisa...I loved your story
I was getting a little frustrated and think I needed to hear all this. For awhile I was thinking that it is crazy to try to do his side of the debt..i would just pay mine off, but that isn't team thinking and I know that we can do much more if we do this together.

[Nada.Leona]

DH and I were frugal about different things, and spendthrifts about different things. I grew up in a household where it was perfectly okay to use a towel once and toss it back into the hamper. He would use his towel til I caught on and would get him a clean one. On the other hand, all of his clothes had to be brand spankin' new and mine were mostly thrift-store finds. He hates yard-sales and leftovers; I hate drinking water and not turning on the heat, lights or air-conditioner.

We kind of trained each other. I'm still working on teaching him to like the leftovers I feed him and he's still trying to get me used to wearing extra sweaters and socks. We kind of meet in the middle. Basically, as I do all the housework, cooking and am the main source of income while he's in university, he kind of has to do what I say.

Try this trick though, from TWG:

Every time he goes out for dinner, put into a change jar the amount of money he spent on dinner. Write down the date, time and how much it cost him. (You can tell him you're using it for taxes or something along those lines.) Next time he wants to buy a big purchase, take out the change jar or your written record and have him count it. Then tell him, "If you want to save up for this XXX purchase, you can start by stop going out for dinner." I am sure that'll sink in.