i need help

[halloweenfreak]

as some of you may have read in my previous posts, my husband loves to fish tournaments. he has a tournament nearly everyweek, some he has to spend the night for. the day long ones cost anywhere from just 20 all the way up to 60 dollars. the big ones that require him to stay the night cost around 150 dollars. this is not including gas to get there, eating money and hotel costs. bad thing is, he hasn't won a single tournament this year. i'm guessing he's fished about 8 so far, so we're talking anywhere from 160-480 dollars spent on fishing alone, and nothing to show for it! i know he works hard and puts in long hours, am i just being selfish and should look at it like he's spending money on doing something he likes? i cant help but think about all the gas money, eating money, hotel costs, entry fees (and now a new phone fee since he dropped his to the bottom of the lake) that we could have put towards something else. please, give me some advice, as he just called me and told me they lost yet another one. i dont know what to do.

[my4littlebuffaloes]

That has to be really hard. I guess you could try to talk to dh and set a limit on the # of tournaments he does every year. Or a limit on the $ amount he spends. Then if he wants to do all day long ones he could do more. You and dh need to agree on a $ amount and then budget for it. I can see how it will be never ending, especially if he keeps losing, so tries more tournaments to win. The key is for dh to agree to the $ amount and stick with it. Then you can plan and hopefully it wouldn't bother you so much. To me that would get old real quick.

jennifer

[AmyBoz]

expensive hobby.

if money is tight, he needs to limit the amount he participates in. show him (on paper) where that money could have gone and been more useful!

[Mom23boys]

I have a close friend whose DH does the same thing. She is always wondering how to pay her bills while he is paying for the tournaments. The problem is, she has never told him how much any of the bills are, what they are, etc. She has never confronted him and said this is how much we need to make our bills and this is how much is coming in to our home. Maybe if he knew, he would cut back and do maybe 1-2 a month instead of one every weekend.

[halloweenfreak]

youre prob. right, he doesn't know how much i spend in bills. at least once every month when the middle of the week rolls around i can almost bet i'll get asked, "where did it all go? i thought we'd have more then that" where did it all go?? argh! ive even threatened him that hes paying the bills from now on, but he wont do it. so i guess i'll leave a list of bills and their amounts and "accidentally" leave it laying around, just so he can see where it all goes.

[sunnysideup]

I had a similar issue with DH a few years ago. He likes to buy computer parts and when he found something he liked or thought he might use, he would buy it. He wouldn't tell me, so I didn't subtract that out. We had a hard time with personal spending and bill paying. My solution was seperate accounts. We have 4 accounts, a joint that money gets deposited into and bills get paid from, we each have a seperate account that we deposit our weekly allowance into for our personal expenses and a savings account. This way, DH keeps track of his own money for his own personal use. He never wants to help with the bills and would always ask where the money went and why we never had any. My solution has worked out well. Maybe something like that would work for you. You could give your husband his own account and a certain amount of money that he can spend. That way he knows what he has, and you don't have to stress about bills.

[madhen]

I guess, in reading these posts, I am wondering why you would have to "accidentally" leave a list of bills out and why your husband should be excused from being stressed out about bills at your expense. I agree that he should made aware of just how much is being spent on bills. I would probably notify him each time a bill came in, letting him know how much it is and when it is due (and what the balance is, if it has a balance). Something like, "Oh, btw, we just got our credit card bill, so I'll have to send them $200 by the end of the week. Then we'll only have $400 left to pay off!" That is the only way I can think of to keep him thinking (on a regular basis) about necessary expenses vs. luxuries. Hopefully, that will factor into his decisions about how often he can afford to go to tournaments.

I'll keep my fingers crossed for him that he wins the next one!

[Buckeye5]

I agree with the above posts about limiting the number of tournaments DH enters. As Dave Ramsey says everyone needs a little blow money. Life is way too short, as I found it out this past Christmas when my 47 year old brother died of melanoma. Everyone needs a little selfish happiness every now and then, including you. Just talk to DH over your concerns and come up with an agreement to the number tourneys, Good Luck.

[Missy]

I resented it when dh simply cut my spending money. made me feel very much like a child. But later, he came out with the bills and showed me on paper what was going on and it was a better, clearer eyeopener...i still resented it, but i understood it.

[Minner77]

youre prob. right, he doesn't know how much i spend in bills. at least once every month when the middle of the week rolls around i can almost bet i'll get asked, "where did it all go? i thought we'd have more then that" where did it all go?? argh! ive even threatened him that hes paying the bills from now on, but he wont do it. so i guess i'll leave a list of bills and their amounts and "accidentally" leave it laying around, just so he can see where it all goes.

Why accidentally? He's a grown man, yes? Maybe he won't sit down and write the bills out, but he most definitely should know what they are -- especially if they are causing you and the whole family emotional and financial stress. It's also possible that he'll be appalled to realize that the money he works so hard for (as you just said) is literally being tossed to the bottom of the lake (as in the case of the cell phone).

He doesn't seem to know, so tell him! If nothing else, it could spare your building up resentment without letting him know how you feel.

I'd avoid using the word "confront" -- you don't want it to be a confrontation, but a laying out of the facts. If he disagrees, well then, darlin', you've got another discussion on your hands, but the facts are on the table.


Good luck!
Mary

[halloweenfreak]

thank you guys for all your input and suggestions. but your right, ive been the only one stressing about the bills while hes oblivious to it all. its about time he learns whats going on around here.

[miss_thrifty]

I've told my husband when its time for me to go back to work, that if I have to pay the babysitting, he's helping out. He got afree babysitter(me) whenevr he wanted to help out anybody out including his family who are nevr ther for us when we need them. My hubby likes his CC too much, i tried years ago for him to give me his check and i would resonable fto pay bills and to leave him a certain amount. But the fragile male ego, thinks that he's the boss and he can do it himself. hahahahah
In afew years from now, he'll have to put up or shut up. I'm getting at my ends meet. meaning I had enough of being there for everyone else and lacking. I'm sstarting to resent more, sooooooo I'm thinking of working out pretty soon . And things will change around here, I told him for years. It's not going to be about him or them when the kids are almost grown up.
Most men love the control part of the realtionship orfeeling like the man of the house. Beacuse their the main provider. U have to tell him Halloween freak, and hes is mature enough to handle it. I tell mine when I think he's out of line when comes to money. Sometimes he listens, sometimes he don't. Were never on the same wave lenght.
sorry it so long lol