Ugh what to do with debt?

[Libby]

Over the past year I have been working hard to save and pay off debt as best I can.... I knew my contract was ending and soon Id not have a steady income as well as not know how long Id be unemployed. I scrimped and saved and got rid of a lot of debt actually and had a 'cushion' saved up until I found my next job. Well thanks to my preparation I was able to survive comfortably. I have since then become employed again even though its a long term temporary contract. Money is coming in just not as much as Id like etc.

My problem, each month I get a statement from my credit card - the only real debt I have left to whiddle down and flush down the toilet for good. I share a house with my dear father and we even have the same credit card - just under our own seperate names and accounts. His statement came last week and mine arrived today.

While I was at work, he had opened my statement to learn the true amount outstanding and had the nerve to come chasing after me, actually yelling at me over the total balance. I hadnt even walked into the house yet either.

Hes never done this before so something tells me somethings not right with him - perhaps hes having financial problems himself? So once he stopped yelling at me I spoke calmly back at him and asked why he chose to open my statement and then have the gall to yell at me about it. Im a grown adult with bills and other financial obligations. And I also pointed out fact I dont go opening his bills to purposely wag my finger at him.

I was on the phone later this afternoon when he approached me not seeing me on the phone. He mumbled something about it and I flat out put my conversation on hold to ask him out loud and point blank "Do I have to pay out an extra $150 for the year to have a post office box JUST to receive my ONLY monthly statement so it cant be opened whenver you felt nosey?"

His only reply was that he thought it was his statement b/c it had our same last name on it. Meanwhile out in the open lay his bill on the table waiting to be paid. He's opened my other bills as well - even the companies where he doesnt have a card. This is not a one time accidental thing - this has been going on for the past few years however the yelling and chasing thing is new.

Its bad enough I realize Im in debt and now Im changing my ways. Im very proud of how far Ive gotten myself out of it in the past year and Im in the final home stretch. Now to have this man whom I love and adore to come and turn on me like this? What did I ever do to deserve this? Im at my wits end, I seriously do not know what to do anymore.

Should I get my own PO Box just to receive one monthly credit card statement? Hes home all day thus being able to grab the mail before I do. And it doesnt make sense to pay $12.50 per month to receive ONE statement if not two max.

Sorry I guess I just needed to vent. Anyone else have this 'snooping parent' problem?

[starsapphire]

Are you able to pay your credit card online and opt out of receiving paper statements from the CC company? That would be the way to go if you can.

[willow]

Sorry to hear about your situation. I think I would try to give your father the benefit of the doubt that he accidentally opened your statement. But I would also let him know that even though you are living in his home you still need some privacy. He is probably just concerned with the debt you owe and over reacted as parents sometimes do. (even with their adult children)

I would sit down and have a talk with him and explain just how far you've come with paying down your debt. Maybe then he will understand that you have things under control and that he doesn't need to worry so much.

Good luck, let us know how things work out.

[PrairieRose]

I probably wouldn't jump off and rent a p.o. box just yet. Talk it over with him and tell him that yes you know that you've run up some debt but you're working hard on paying it down. You are responsible for yourself and it will not take anything away from him, you're deteremined to take care of it yourself. (as long as you don't take away from him in that he pays for your living expenses, etc.) It sounds like you have an otherwise good relationship with him. He probably only wants what's best for you and for your life to be easier.

[babetteq]

When you say he "turned on you" I'm wondering if this is new behaviour? Has he always been this way? If not, then you might want to encourage him to see his doctor. Changes in behaviour in the elderly can be signs of a number of things.

However, if it's not..... whether he 'accidently' opened it or not is irrelevant. The point is, that he has no right to comment repeatedly on your bills or debt whether he is your father or not. I would tell him exactly that. "I don't want to hear it again. It was none of your business to read, it's none of your business to comment on...end of story". After that....let it go. If it happens again, get your bills online and tell him what you are doing and why.

babs

[christina33]

Sorry to hear what your DAD did, he was way out of line.
Having debt and who to tell about it is your decision. I keep my private with the exception of this board. It is my belief that people lie about sex and money. At the end of the day what does telling anyone help you in anyway.. they just judge you and keep doing it which just adds to your burden anyway.
You are dealing with your problem and your father had no right to invade your privacy. There is a reason envelope come with addresses. If your debt has resulted in higher interest rates for your father since it is the same account then he should know. because your debts are affecting him.
If it is just the fact that you use the same CC companies then he should not have opened your mail. It sounds like your father is intrusive in other aspects of your life.
So my advice..
1) Sign up for on line statement and eliminate the paper one.
2) Use a gmail account because it can handle a large volume of email and you can store statements over time.
3) Decide how to deal with your father.. It sounds like this relationships have other issues that you have decide how to handle.

[Libby]

Thank you for all your different views on this. I have spent the weekend going about as I normally would with this problem still nagging me in the back of my head.

I know that sudden behavioural changes in seniors could potentially signify that somethings going to happen re: mental health so I have taken that into consideration and discussed this with a few other siblings.

Him opening my bills being accidental? Its hard for me to believe that when he just opened his bill 3 days prior even though we have the same card and same last name. He had no problem leaving my bank statement alone just the credit card he opened. And this isnt the first time either, nor will it be the last.

I can understand why hes worried for me for having accumulated so much debt but he never saw the higher balance nor how much I've brought it down. I told him I was way higher then what he saw now and he was just in shock. I recapped my year from last summer to now with my career up's and down's and named each event and even broke it out to him. He just doesnt get it.

I dont pay rent or border however I do pay the house telephone bill, cable every other month and groceries - the main shopping. As well as gas up his vehicle on top of my own and now I pay for his cell phone too. Its all 'in lieu of' rent so to speak. I dont like going to Home Depot with him b/c it costs me! but I do it b/c I love him. He IS my father after all.

As for me necessitating getting my own postal box for my bills? Its a bit silly if you ask me - he knows he was wrong to open my mail, regardless of type and he wont be doing it anytime again soon b/c of our 'discussion' after this whole event. Afterall why should I have to spend that money on an unnecessary postal box when the very man who has taught me to be frugal is the cause of me thinking of getting it?

I guess since I cant change my situation - no matter if there is or isnt a paper trail, he will know how high my balance is and will only see that in his head. I could pay it all off tomorrow (hypothetically speaking) and he'd only see me having the high balance not my maturity/responsibility of having busted my rump to pay it off.