Who Should you tell about your Debt??

[christina33]

Whenever I get discourage about my situations, I am always tempted to confide in a friend etc. but I never do. I often read about the ambivalence of many of the board members about doing the same thing. I came across this article in the Washignton Post a few weeks ago and decided to share it with the rest of this board .




This Advice Doesn't Gain Any Interest

By Michelle Singletary
Sunday, April 23, 2006; F01



Even after I became an adult with my own house and husband, my grandmother -- Big Mama -- made it her business to tell me what to do with my money.

I trusted my grandmother's judgment, so most of the time, I followed her advice. But there were times I dared to deviate from her recommendations. It wasn't a pleasant scene.

Big Mama once said to me, "Even when I'm wrong, I'm right."

Often when I do my biweekly online chat, I hear from people who, like my grandmother, mean well but just can't understand why grown folks won't listen to their common-sense financial advice.

Here's a typical question: "What is the best way to approach your family, particularly your mother, about developing short-term and long-term savings/spending goals/plans? Every time I bring it up, it turns into a confrontation because she goes on the defensive. I have been blessed with a great job. I save. I'm only trying to help, but unfortunately I feel like I'm getting the 'she thinks she is better than us' attitude, which at times comes from my mom. What am I to do, I'm only trying to help."

I'll confess. For years, I thought I had to school my family and friends on how to better handle their money. I frequently offered unsolicited financial advice.

And guess what? To my surprise, people resented my "I know I'm better at money matters than you are" attitude.

They were right to be offended.

Trust me, people who don't handle their money well are quite aware of this fact.

What has worked for me is to stop offering unsolicited advice. Wait to be asked. Then once you are, people can't (or shouldn't) complain that they don't like what they hear because they are the ones who invited you into their business.

Yet there are times when you should offer your opinions about someone's money habits, even if you haven't been asked. It's when the other person is your underage child or your spouse.

For instance, I received the following question from a man frustrated that his wife wouldn't listen to him. He wrote: "I just got married, drive a 1998 Honda on a Lexus salary and I'm trying to educate an otherwise difficult spouse. She doesn't think through all financial decisions. If my car has a noise, she is quick to say, 'We need a new car.' How do I go about getting her to look at the whole picture?"

Even if you are meeting resistance, continue trying to help your spouse manage his or her money the right way. Of course, your communication should always be respectful.

Then there are people who invite comments on their finances when they really shouldn't.

One chat participant wrote: "My husband and I are looking to buy a home. We are very nervous about making this financial commitment (we both made the mistake of racking up $100,000 in graduate school loans). He wants to share the nitty-gritty of our financial situation with his family and friends. I think such details are personal and I only feel comfortable discussing these things with a professional."

My husband and I have rules for how we handle many situations. We call them "house rules." We have a rule on who maintains control of the remote control. We have guidelines on how to argue. We also have a rule about who should be privy to our personal business.

Don't tell your mama, daddy, sister, cousin, girlfriends -- anybody -- the nitty-gritty details of your finances unless the person from whom you are seeking advice has specific knowledge or the expertise to aid you in a decision you may need to make.[/B]Of course, even when you get advice from a professional, you sometimes need a second opinion.

Check out this advice dilemma from one reader: "We have about $300,000 in equity in our home. Our financial adviser feels strongly that we should invest (as part of a diversified portfolio) $100,000 of the equity. While he is very upfront that he can't guarantee that we'll come out ahead in the end with this approach, he feels pretty confident that we will, given our time horizon (we are in our thirties). My feeling is that following our adviser's advice is probably pretty safe and would probably help us come out ahead in 20 to 30 years. But the advice still doesn't sit right with me. I would feel more comfortable keeping our small mortgage (relative to our income) and just making a concerted effort to save more."

They did ask my advice. So here it is. Follow your gut. Save to invest. Consider getting another financial adviser.

It shouldn't sit right with you to invest with borrowed funds. Don't want to take my advice? Then listen to an unbiased source, NASD, the private-sector regulator for the securities industry.

"Investing borrowed mortgage money amounts to a huge bet," the regulator cautions investors.

When taking advice, especially about your finances, always consider the source and the giver's motivation.

When my grandmother said, "Even when I'm wrong, I'm right," she meant that even if her advice turned out to be wrong, it came from the right place.

· On the air: Michelle Singletary discusses personal finance Tuesdays on NPR's "Day to Day" program and online athttp://www.npr.org.

· By mail: Readers can write to her at The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071.

· By e-mail:singletarym@washpost.com

[wendy]

Interesting. Thanks!

[dolphin]

Ugh, I once took well meaning advice about a large sum of money from someone and am still suffering the consequences of that decision. Dh had one idea and the other person had another. Both were good but I rationalized that dh must be wrong and I would do the smart thing as the other person suggested. I never expected the it to turn out the way it did and I'm still in hot water over it now years later. Lesson learned, seek advice from others who may have experience on this but in the end, you and your partner make the final decision, together, and go with your gut feelings.

[MirandaK]

This was a very interesting article! I have found that I am uncomfortable talking to most of my friends and family about dh and my situation.